“Hey, baby girl. Where’s Crew?” I ask, tying my robe snugly around my waist.
“Daddy left.”
One hand goes to my throat and I choke back the tears.
He’s gone. Oh my God. What if . . .
“How long?” I ask. “Before your show started or after?” I glance at the clock.
“I watched part of one and then all of this one.”
A good forty-five minutes.
I smile as warmly as I can. “Okay. How are you feeling today?”
“Good. Daddy told me some secrets before he left. I can tell you one of them,” she grins mischievously. “There is an envelope for you on the counter. Daddy said to make sure you see it and you don’t spill your coffee on it.”
My heart races, thumping against all the walls in my chest. I barrel into the kitchen and spot the manila envelope propped up against the toaster.
Jules is scribbled on the front in Crew’s messy handwriting. I stare at it, almost afraid to touch it. But in the end, my curiosity wins out.
I pick it up and it’s heavier than I expect. I pop open the metal tabs in the back and pull out a stack of papers. I set them on the counter and go to toss away the envelope when I feel something in the bottom. I turn it upside down and something falls to the counter, rolling across the surface until it comes to a stop beside the coffee maker.
I start to pick it up and freeze. My knees go weak, a sob escaping from my throat. With a trembling hand, I reach out and pick up my wedding ring from Gage. I hold it up and look at it, no worse for the wear. I clutch it in my palm and squeeze my eyes shut.I can’t even process this right now.
Slipping it onto my right hand so I don’t lose it, I relish the feeling of it back in my possession. I can’t believe it’s here, that I have it back.
I pick up the stack of papers. The top one is a note from Crew. I shuffle through the rest and drop them on the floor.
My God.
Dropping to my knees, I scoop them up and try to keep my tears from dotting them. They’re the most beautiful, yet horrific, pages I’ve ever seen.
Life Insurance Policy No. 110302070202, Mr. Crew Michael Gentry. Pay On Death, Ms. Julia Nicole Gentry.
I’m afraid to touch them. I shove them back in the envelope like they’re burning me. I never want to see them again.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, a heart beating so hard I think it might shatter, I pick up the note.
Jules,
First of all, yeah, I’m totally stealing this idea from Gage.
Whatever happens tonight, remember it was my decision and mine alone.
I intend on walking in the front door in the middle of the night. You should be in our bed waiting on me. There’ll be no more of you sleeping elsewhere. After this is off my back, things will change a little bit. I’ll be around more. I’ll be able to help you with Ever. I’ll try to be everything you ever need.
If things don’t go as planned, there are papers in here. There’s a business card in there somewhere. Call the guy listed and he’ll take care of you. I knew him in college and he’s a decent guy. If I don’t make it home tonight, he’ll make sure things are taken care of. He knows to pay for the therapy and then cut you a check for the rest. Everything else, call Will.
I know you’re crying and you should stop. I know you’re scared and you shouldn’t be. By the end of the night tonight, you’ll have the money we need one way or the other. Because if I don’t walk off that mat a winner, you can cash those life insurance papers in. That’s the thing . . . we win either way. I promised you the money and you’ll have it.
I love you. I‘ll love you until my last breath.
Crew
PS—Your ring is in here, too. Keep it. It’s yours.
I crumble onto the floor, unable to control the sobs escaping my throat.
I cry for Crew, for Ever, for me, for Gage.
I cry for the baby I’m carrying that I didn’t get the chance to tell him about.
I cry for everything that’s ever happened between us and everything that’s going to.
It’s going to be the longest day of my life.
CREW
The mats are cold against my skin as I go through my routine. I sit and stretch my legs, my back, my arms. I’m calm, focused on the task at hand, yet unfocused as well. I can’t get too keyed up this early. I still have a few hours before anything really happens.
I watch Will and Victor carry shit out to the car. Victor was here when I arrived this morning and asked if there was anything he could do. Sal kind of left it up to me because each fighter has different preferences as to who he wants around when he’s getting ready to brawl.
I like Victor. Our personalities mesh well. He knows his place and does his job. He defers to me, keeps his mouth shut, and works his fucking ass off. He’s helping get things loaded now and he’ll help me stay loose before the fight. I’m also having him run tickets over to Adam and Dane. I had Will give them a call a couple of days ago. This fight is happening because of their recording, after all.
My headphones are blasting Eminem. “Not Afraid” seems to be my anthem at the moment, although I’ll have “Lose Yourself” going through my ears as I walk to the cage.
Sal walks across the mat, his gray track pants and “Believe” t-shirt on. I take my headphones off my head.
“You about ready?” he asks, standing in front of me.
“Sal? Have I ever not been ready for a fight?”
“This is your last chance to back out,” he says with a smile.
I don’t react.
“Okay. You weigh-in in three hours, so let’s head on over to the green room and get situated. Things will start to go really fast when we get there. I hate this new same day weigh-in bullshit.”
“Yeah, but it makes sense,” I say. “Keeps guys from cutting weight crazy and then bulking up the day of.”
“It just rushes everything,” he says in disgust. “Anyway, that’s for me to worry about. Let’s get over there, get you weighed in, and do all the rule meetings and shit.”
He starts to walk away but turns abruptly. “I just wanted to say . . .” His voice trails off with a crackle. He looks away and a quick brush of nervousness passes across his face.
It causes a lump to form in my throat. In all the years I’ve known Sal D’Amato, I’ve never seen him nervous.
“We’ll chat later. Let’s go.”
JULIA
My voice is shaky. “It starts at ten,” I tell Olivia.
“Do you want me to come stay with you? Or I could bring Everleigh here?”
I sigh, my head a mess, my heart even worse.
“Does she know what’s happening?” Olivia asks.
“No, she has no idea. She thinks he’s at work today and won’t be home until late. I don’t want her knowing.”
“I’ll just come pick her up if that’s easier, Julia.”
“I don’t know what’s easier. I don’t want her to see the fight. I don’t want her to see me a wreck, either, and I’m a train wreck already. But thinking I’m going to sit here by myself and watch this go down . . .” My stomach rolls. “What if this doesn’t go the way he planned?”
“Stop thinking like that. Let him do his job. He knows what he’s doing, sweetheart. I’ll be over shortly for Everleigh. I’ll have Rory come over and it’ll be fun for them and give you some space to work this out.”
“What would I do without you?”
“I’ll be by soon.”
CREW
The focus mitts pop as I pepper them with punches. Victor moves and I hit them again.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel quick.
Pop! Pop! Pop!
I tap the mitts lightly, getting my body ready to go.
“That’s enough,” Sal says, coming into the room. “I want you to rest for a little bit before we stretch you out. We have,” he glances at his watch, “about two hours before we go.”
Victor takes off the mitt
s and tosses them into a chair. He looks at Sal, waiting for instruction.
“You need some water?” Will asks from the corner. He’s sitting in a chair, fielding calls and texts that are pouring in. He passes along a few well wishes every now and then. It makes me feel good that guys from the dock, from Shenanigan’s, guys I haven’t seen in years are pulling for me tonight.
“Yeah,” I reply. I’m not really thirsty, but I know I need to be hydrated. I made weight easy this morning—185 pounds even, but I didn’t drink a lot earlier just in case.
The room is warm from too many bodies in one small space. I feel edgy, unable to calm with all the people and chaos going on. I need a few minutes to myself, a few minutes away from everyone watching me like a gladiator going into the Coliseum.
I’m grateful for these guys. They’ve given me their dedication and support and loyalty. Without them, I never could’ve gotten ready. I never would’ve made it to this point. They’ve helped me get ready for the biggest fight of my life, but their attention is a little too much right now. I need to get my head together. Focus. Remember what’s going, what I’m doing.
What I have to do.
“Can you guys do me a favor and get the fuck out of here for a while? I need to breathe,” I say.
They exchange a glance and Will stands. “Sure.”
Sal pops open the door and they all walk out. The door closes behind them. I watch it long after it shuts, waiting for someone to walk back in. Once I’m sure they won’t, I lay down on the floor.
The tile is cold and hard. It cools my body and my mind. The ground is where I’m most comfortable, where I work. I extend my arms to the side and close my eyes.
I’ve pushed my brain to stop thinking all day . . . for days, actually. I’ve tried to stay focused, keep my thoughts uncomplicated. But I know I can’t go out there without making peace with them.
I stand and walk to my gym bag tossed carelessly in the corner. I open the front pocket and pull out a picture I tucked in there last night. It’s of me, Julia, and Ever taken by Olivia a couple of weeks ago. Ever and I, with our freshly shaven heads, are sticking our tongues out at the camera. Jules hated that I prompted her to do that; it wasn’t lady-like. I laugh as I remember her gorgeous face looking all sternly at me.
I run my thumb across the photo, wishing it was Jules’ skin I was touching. She’s what grounds me, focuses me, makes me feel like everything is okay as long as I have her.
But that’s not true.
Everything will be okay as long as tonight plays out all right.
I sit again and look at my daughter.
My daughter.
The thought makes me smile, brings tears to my eyes. She may not be mine biologically, but she sure as hell couldn’t be anymore mine. I’ve loved this little girl since the first time I saw her. I walked into Julia’s room at the hospital and Gage placed her in my arms. I remember the look on his face, beaming, as he touched her cheek. She opened her eyes and looked at me, wrapping her tiny fingers around my thumb.
“You realize how fucked we are?” I asked him, watching this perfect little thing look back at me.
“Don’t cuss around her,” he said, making me laugh. “But, yes, I realize how much trouble this is going to be.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “You gotta help me keep her safe, Crew. It’s gonna take the both of us.”
“I’ve got your back, brother. Don’t worry about it.”
I hang my head, my hand holding the picture dropping to my side.
“Look,” I say out loud, “I don’t know if you hear me or if there is some kind of routine I have to go through to talk to you. I’m not even sure I really believe in you. If you’re this kind, loving God, then why in the world have you let so many shitty things happen? Why did you take my brother away from Julia and Ever? Why did you let a baby girl get sick like this? That’s all kinds of fucked up and, if you are listening, I’d really like to say fuck you right now. Because I don’t understand this and I’m positive there is no way you’d be able to explain this to me.”
“But let’s say you are there and let’s say you give a shit. I want to make a deal with you. I know my bargaining position isn’t good because I’ve been to church only a handful of times in my life and I think I’ve tried to talk to you less than that. But I’d appreciate you hearing me out right now.”
“There’s nothing you can gain by taking Everleigh. You’d crush Julia, who is barely hanging on as we speak. You’ve already taken so much from her. So take me instead. Take whatever punishment or wrath you’re throwing their way . . . take that out on me. Take my health. Take my life, damn it. I don’t give a shit. Whatever the cost is, I’ll pay it. Just let my girls be okay.”
I stand and pace the room. “I hope you’re listening to me right now. I’m about to walk into the room and face another one of your creations, Hunter Davidson. I’m not praying for a victory, I’m not asking for him to lose. All I ask of you is that you do with me whatever you need to in order to clear my girls of any more harm.”
I slam my fist into the bag hanging in the corner.
“Did you hear me!? Do you? Take me! I’ll be your sacrifice!”
I hold my arms out to the sides, my muscles twitching as the emotions become almost too much. I tilt my head to the ceiling and close my eyes.
“I’m right here. I give myself to you. Just let them be okay.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out, a feeling of warmth settling over my soul.
“Please, God, please, let them be okay.”
JULIA
“Please, God, please, let him be okay.”
I kneel in front of our bed, folding my hands in front of me. It reminds me of when I was a very little girl and my grandmother teaching me how to pray. It’s not something I’ve done a whole lot of in my life, but something that has always made me feel comforted.
“I’ve been asking a whole lot of you lately,” I say out loud, my voice echoing around the room. “It seems you think I’m a whole lot stronger than I am. Well, I’m not!”
I dip my head, resting it on my forearms. “I’m not strong, not strong enough to deal with this!”
My words are choked by my sobs. Tears drip steadily off my chin and onto the University of Minnesota Wrestling t-shirt I found and slipped on.
“Please don’t abandon us tonight. Please keep your hand on him, God, and keep him safe. I need you to keep him safe. I’ve already given you Gage and am fighting to keep Everleigh. Why do you want to take everyone that I love?”
My entire body shakes, tears coming so powerfully, my sobs nearly ripping me in pieces.
“You can’t have him! I won’t give him up. I won’t!” I wail. “If you’re trying to punish me for something I’ve done, punish me! Give me cancer! Let me be in an accident! Take my legs and arms if you have to! But stop taking my heart and soul piece by piece! Please!”
I fall back onto the floor and lay flat, my hands on my heart. My chest shakes with the force of the sobs. I’m alone, terrified, and I know the worst is yet to come.
CREW
When the door swings open again, I can hear the roar of the crowd. Sal and Will come in and shut the door solidly behind them.
“You ready?” Sal asks, his voice stern.
I roll my neck and stretch my arms overhead. “Yeah.”
Will nods, not really needing to say anything else. The look on his face explains it all. I nod back and the start of a grin begins on his face.
“Let’s get to it,” Sal says, opening the door again. The roar of the crowd pours into the room, music pumping through the stadium. The electricity is palpable, even from back here. It’s obvious that this isn’t just another fight for Hunter Davidson; this fight is a big deal . . . to all of us.
I take a step forward but Sal stops abruptly. He closes the door once again and turns to me.
“I just want to say something before we walk down that aisle.” He watches me carefully, like he’s searching for t
he words he wants to say.
“A number of years ago, I was driving passed Shaw’s and saw a bunch of kids fighting. Out of all of them, there was one guy that caught my eye. I stopped and got out and approached him. He was cocky and tough-as-nails. I’m looking at that same guy right now. He’s the toughest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever met.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “Whatever happens after we open this door and walk down the aisle, don’t forget who you are.”
“When I open this door, you are gonna see things like you’ve never seen before. There’s gonna be more people out there than at all of your NCAA wrestling meets combined. There’s movie stars, politicians, models, CEO’s and all of them will have something to say. But you worry about who Crew Gentry is. You remember what you’re fighting for.”
“You’ve gone from that unpolished kid with no direction into the man you are right now. A man that has more heart, sense, and loyalty in his little finger than most men have in their soul. It’s easy to be a man when you are the man, when life is easy and you’re shitting roses. But the true test of a man is how he handles things when life gets tough. When life throws you so many combinations that you can’t slip them fast enough. Let me tell ya, kid, you already passed that test. Now let’s go out there and finish this.”
We’re standing toe-to-toe. I can feel his energy, feel his support roll off of him. I absorb every bit of it I can and let it hit home, let his words marinate in my skull.
“You’re the most natural kid I’ve ever trained. I want to see you go out there tonight and leave it all on the mat. Remember what I used to tell you: you only get one shot. Do not let your chance go by. If you don’t leave it all out there,” he pauses and I know exactly what he means, “you’ll never forgive yourself.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out. Will lays my headphones around my neck and grabs a white towel off of the bench behind me.
“Will . . .” I say, turning around.
“Ah, Crew. I know you love me. Do you want to have a group hug?”
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