He grins a sleepy, lazy grin. “I’ve been waiting on you.” He rolls on top of me, spreading my legs with his knee. He bends down and almost kisses me, but doesn’t quite. His lips hover over mine, his eyes boring into mine.
“I love you,” I whisper, my heart as full as it’s ever been. I love this man so much, differently than I’ve ever loved anyone else. Crew has always been the ying to my yang, the black to my white. His weaknesses are my strengths and he’s strong where I’m not.
We complete each other.
He moves and I see his skin on his left forearm is red and angry. I turn it over to see a dream catcher inked between his elbow and wrist. In the center is a “J” and sitting above it are the words “FOR EVER.”
“Crew . . .”
He doesn’t say anything, just gives me a shy smile that melts me.
“Make love to me, Crew,” I whisper.
He pulls my shirt up, leaving it bunch under my chin. His face is full of tenderness, reverence. He kisses me gently, his full lips pressing softly against mine.
With one hand, he pushes my panties off and then his own boxers. He settles in between my legs again and I feel his hardness resting at my opening.
“I love you,” I say, watching a wave of emotions rip through his eyes as the words pour over him. “I mean it, Crew. I love you. Every single piece of you.”
His grin is lopsided as he blushes with the compliment. I raise and kiss him, taking the pressure off of him to respond.
“I love you,” he whispers after I pull back. He brushes a strand of hair out of my face. “I always have.”
“I have a confession to make,” I whisper.
“Confessions make me nervous.”
I laugh and touch his cheek. “Remember when you asked what you were to me?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re my everything,” I say breathlessly.
A feeling of being wrapped up in a fleece blanket winds itself around my heart. In his eyes, I see his acceptance of my words. I see the forgiveness for how I’ve treated him in the past and the promise of a future. Most importantly, I see my love reflected back.
He pushes inside me, stretching me with his size. I’m wet for him, ready to give myself to him. I know this quiets him, centers him. It always has. I know he needs this from me and I’m more than willing to give it to him.
I need it, too.
“I’ve waited for this all day,” he says, rocking in and out of me. I wrap my legs around him, aching for all the connection I can get. “I’ve waited for this for years.”
I smile at the look on his face, one that I’m sure I’m the only one that’s ever seen. I’m not a fool to think I’m the only one Crew’s been with. But I do believe I’m the only one that he’s ever loved.
He kisses me again, the sensuousness erasing all thoughts but his lips and body from my mind. My thoughts go blank, absorbed in the sensations given to me by the man I love. His tongue works against mine, his length stroking me, lighting me up from the inside out. His hands are all over me, carefully, slowly, worshipping me in his way.
I tighten myself around him, squeezing his cock. He groans against my mouth, the rawness of it quickening my orgasm threefold. He increases his tempo, drawing himself out just enough to touch my clit at the top. It’s the most overwhelming, blissful feeling, and I close my eyes and just enjoy the moment of being in his arms and away from the world.
He builds me higher and higher, repeating beautiful things in my ear. His words melt over me and I try to concentrate, words like ‘beautiful,’ ‘love,’ and ‘mine’ are mixing together, swirling in the back of my brain. I feel so loved, so treasured, that I never want it to end.
I know it won’t. Not with Crew. Not this time.
My legs begin to shake as my orgasm hits. They drop to the side and he increases his pace. The thrusts become deeper, quicker, and I tilt my hips and meet him movement for movement.
“Crew . . .” I try to warn, but he stops me with kisses. I grit my teeth and feel a smile against my mouth as I fall apart under him.
He pumps into me a few more times before pressing himself all the way inside and empties himself into me.
He rolls off to the side and pulls me into his chest. I try to stay awake, try to think about telling him we’re having a baby, but the sweet words he’s whispering in my ear, the warmth of his body, the cocooning effect of his arms is too much.
I drift into a peaceful slumber for the first time in forever.
CREW
I haven’t been here in years.
The water rolls in lazily. Seagulls squawk overhead. The sun is going down in the west.
I feel her here.
I sit on the grass at the edge of the sand, letting the final few rays of sun hit my face. It’s been a peaceful day, starting with pancakes for breakfast and a run through with Sal. Will met me for lunch and then it was cartoons all afternoon.
Crazy that NickJr. is my idea of a perfect day.
I watch the birds circle over the water, flying around gracefully. Ma would’ve loved it. She loved simple things: a sunset, a good Red Sox game, a good pancake.
I smile. The beach is empty. It’s just us.
“Hey, Ma,” I say softly. “Long time no see, right?”
I scoop up a handful of sand from the beach at my feet and let it run through my fingers. “Well, I don’t know if I’m fucking up again or if I’m finally doing the right thing.”
The birds squawk again and I laugh.
“I feel like an idiot talking out loud right now. You better be listening because I can’t promise it’ll happen again.” Another handful of sand flows through my fingers. “It took me a while to get what you meant when we talked last. I don’t know if I just didn’t get it or if I didn’t want to get it. But now, I think I do.”
I brush my hands off and lean back on my elbows.
“I’m sorry I caused you so much grief. Fuck, looking back, I don’t know why you didn’t just write me off. But you didn’t.” I think for a second. “No, that’s not true. I know why you didn’t because I wouldn’t do that to Everleigh, either.”
I smile. “You’d love her. She’s so pretty and so smart. She’s a lot like Gage and Jules, but I’d like to think some of me has rubbed off on her, too.”
“I’m doing the best I can down here since you and my fucking brother decided to leave me alone. Funny that you two turned everything over to me . . . the one with no idea how to take care of myself, let alone other people. But I’m trying.”
I blow out a breath, my chest feeling lighter. “You know, though, I get it now. I get what you were saying. I was pushing and sacrificing everything then for all the wrong reasons. I lost track of everything that mattered.”
“What you said was right. Life is about the simple things. Fuck if I don’t know that now more than anyone. It’s about a good woman, that feeling you get when you walk in the door and you feel that happiness you can’t explain. It’s about health and pancakes and doing what you have to do to take care of those you love.”
“I fight tomorrow. I act like I got this shit in the bag, but between you and me and the beach here, I don’t know. My neck and back are hurting every day. Davidson has a vendetta against me that’s fueling him. I have a huge mountain to climb and one leg to stand on. I hope to God this was the right answer, but I don’t know that there was another one.”
“When the opportunity came to do this, I didn’t think twice. I’ve put some stuff together that I hope works out. Even if I don’t come off that mat in one piece, it’s worth it all as long as Ever has the chance at getting well. Because that is the real kicker . . . she doesn’t even have a fucking chance without this therapy. I called the doctor’s without Jules knowing and we had a frank conversation. She has to have this to even have a shot. I won’t go through my life knowing there was something I could’ve done to give her that chance. She deserves a chance and I’m the only one that can give her that. If something bad is
gonna come to one of us, it’ll be me. I’ve fucked up so many times in my life that if anything should come of this fight, I probably deserve it. But Ever, she’s innocent. She’s perfect. And I’ll be damned if I don’t give her a fighting chance.”
I dust off the back of my pants. “Thank you for sacrificing your life for Gage and I. You killed yourself every day to make sure we had food. I may not have realized it then, but I get it now.
“Tell that brother of mine that I have his back. And as much as I love him, I hope to see him later than sooner.”
With a final glance at the sun dipping behind the horizon, I turn and head to my truck.
JULIA
I’ve been lying in his bed for an hour. Ever is resting. The new meds they sent us home with make her sleep a lot. I need sleeping meds of my own, but then who will take care of everything?
I’m lying on his side, his scent surrounding me. I breathe it in and hold it in my lungs, letting it comfort me. My nerves are shot. Gone.
Tomorrow is the day of reckoning, the day the rest of my life either goes or stops. I feel so much apprehension, so much fear, that I haven’t eaten in three days. If I let myself think about it too much, I dry heave. I also haven’t decided whether to tell him about the baby before the fight. I’m so torn about it.
My body begins to relax and I nuzzle into his pillow, letting my mind go black.
I must’ve fallen asleep because when I open my eyes, Crew is sitting beside me. He’s watching me sleep. The light from the street is coming through the open blinds, casting a glow over his handsome features.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hi.” I smile and he returns it. “How long have you been here?”
“Long enough.”
“Where did you go?”
“I just had a few things to wrap up.” He climbs over me and lies beside me. He pulls my back into his front.
His skin is still damp and he smells musky like his body wash. I rest my head on his bicep.
“Tomorrow’s the day,” he says quietly like I don’t know, like it hasn’t been consuming me. “I’ll be gone when you get up.”
“I won’t see you before you leave?”
He shakes his head. “I gotta be out of here early. I need to have my head straight. And I know it sucks, but please don’t call me tomorrow, okay? It’ll make me lose focus because I’ll be wondering what you and Everleigh are doing.”
I still, knowing now that I can’t tell him about the baby. I know he’ll be happy, ecstatic even, but I also know it won’t change his decision to fight. It’ll only add to his worries . . . and distract him.
Can I let him go without knowing? What if . . .
I can’t think that way. I have to be strong for him.
“I understand. I don’t like the idea of not seeing or talking to you, but I get it.”
“Good girl.”
We lay quietly. I get the feeling he’s got something on his mind and I give him space to work it out. He’s told me before I’m his safe place and I want him to feel safe here, just like he makes Ever and I feel.
“Whatever happens tomorrow, I want you to know a few things.”
I turn in his arms and face him. His features are creased, his eyes full of sincerity. It takes my breath away.
“There’s never been a time in my life that I didn’t love you. From the first time I saw you, you were the only girl for me.”
“Crew . . .”
“No, let me finish. I need to say this.” He brushes his thumb against my cheek thoughtfully. “I found the letter Gage wrote you the other day. I was looking for some papers and I ran across it. I probably shouldn’t have read it but I did. And Gage was right, you know. On so many things.”
I smile. “Gage was right all of the time.”
“True. But he was right in what he said to you. First, about me never turning my back on you. Until I take my last breath on this earth, I will fight for you and Everleigh. Not just because of Gage, but because of you. You know that, right?”
I do, tears pricking my eyes.
“I’d give anything to make you two okay. And whatever happens tomorrow, I want you to know I went into it knowing the possible outcomes.”
“Don’t talk like this!” A sob works its way up my throat.
“Shh,” he whispers, his eyes shining with tears, too. “Also, if something does happen in that cage—”
“Don’t,” I cry, burying my head in his chest. I can’t listen to this.
“Jules, please,” he pleads, tilting my chin so I’m facing him. Tears are rolling down my checks, soaking my shirt. “I need you to listen to me. I need to leave here tomorrow knowing you heard me.”
I nod. As much as I don’t want to listen, I will if it will help him in some way.
“If tomorrow doesn’t end okay, I want you to keep Gage’s letter. Read it. Because I agree with it all. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a good life. Take care of Ever and take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to survive.”
“I can’t live without you,” I whisper. “I can’t lose you, Crew. I can’t even entertain the idea.”
He pulls me in close and I breathe him in. His heart is pounding. Mine is breaking.
“I love you, Julia.”
I pull back and look him in the eye. “I love you. With everything I am. When you get out of the cage tomorrow and Ever is better,” I smile, watching him grin, “we are going to get married on the beach. Ever is going to be our flower girl and we will start our own family.”
“I’d love that. I want that more than anything I’ve ever wanted.”
“I love you,” I whisper. I lean in and kiss him on the lips. “I love you so much. You were my first and last love. No one came before you and no one will come after you.”
His eyes light up. “You are my only love. I’ve never loved anyone but you.”
“Mommy?” I roll over to see Ever standing in the doorway with her monkey. I push away from Crew, not wanting her to see me in here like this. “Can I sleep with you and Daddy?”
“Oh, Ever! I’m not sleeping in here, baby girl. I’m just talking.”
She walks across the room and climbs up in bed. Crew scoots over and she lies in between us, snuggling down in the blankets.
“You should sleep in here,” she says, yawning. “Mommies and daddies are supposed to sleep together.”
I look over her at Crew. He whispers, “Told you.” I can’t help but smile.
Everleigh cuddles up to Crew, her monkey pulled in tight. She reaches out and lays one hand on my cheek. “I love you both.”
“Not as much as we love you,” Crew tells her. “Now let’s get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow.”
“Will you tell me a story, Daddy?”
Crew beams at the title, just like he does every time she says it. “Stories aren’t really my thing, you know.”
She yawns again. “Tell me the one about the two princes.”
I give him a puzzled look and he returns it with a sheepish smile.
“Let’s save that one for later. How about Mommy tells us one tonight?”
“I think I want to hear this story,” I say, smirking. I’m not sure what it is, but I get the feeling I would be entertained by it.
“It’s a good one,” Ever says, her voice heavy with sleep, “about two princes that both love a beautiful princess. They love her the same but different . . .”
She keeps talking but I don’t hear her. All I can do is look into the eyes of the man across from me.
CREW
I stand in the living room and take a look around. I don’t want to leave because I know once I do, nothing will ever be the same one way or the other.
I grab my bag off the floor and take one final glance at the place I’ve finally felt like was home. I turn to go to the door when I hear something behind me.
“Daddy?”
I turn around. Ever’s standing in the doorway in her Tinkerbell nightgown, watching
me.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
This is what I wanted to avoid this morning. I drop to one knee and motion for her to come to me. She pads across the room and hugs me.
“I have to go to work today.”
“Will you be home for dinner?”
“No, monkey, I won’t. Not tonight.”
“If I feel better tomorrow, can we go to the park? Mommy said on Monday I have to go back to the hospital.” She frowns. “I miss going to the park with you.”
I choke back tears. There’s so much I want to say to her, so much I want her to know. I know she’s too little and too fragile for me to say the things I want to. “Yeah, if you feel better tomorrow, we can go to the park.”
She kisses my cheek and stands up.
“Monkey, I want you to promise me something, okay?”
She nods.
“Never forget that I love you.”
“I know that,” she says sassily.
“I’m glad you do. But sometimes things happen and as you get older, you forget that. You forget that what people did for you when you were little is because they loved you so much. And they knew what was best for you when you didn’t.”
“Okay,” she smiles. “I’ll remember.”
I know she won’t. She’s too little.
“But you might have to remind me because that was a lot of words and my brain hurts from the medicine.”
I kiss her bald little head. “You’re my little fighter, Miss Everleigh.”
“You’re my big fighter, Mr. Daddy,” she giggles.
Let’s hope, Ever. Let’s fucking hope.
JULIA
I wake up to the sound of a dog barking outside. I reach my hand across the bed and pat around. Emptiness.
I sit up quickly and look around. There’s light pouring in the window and my heart leaps in my chest. Panic begins to set in.
Where are they?
I grab my robe and race out the door. Down the hall I go, rounding the corner to the living room. Ever is curled up on the couch, her cartoons playing softly on the television.
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