Love and Relativity

by Rachael Wade

  “Natasha, I said get—”

  “Hi,” she cut him off sharply, dodging around him to step in front of me, “you must be Jackson’s latest toy.”

  I choked on my words. “Excuse me?”

  “You haven’t been to the club yet, have you?”

  “The club, I don’t know what—”

  “Oh,” she laughed, “you have no idea?” She leaned in closer, speaking to me like one would confide in a female friend. “I totally get why you stay blind to it, honey. Really. What girl would want to see her man hanging around naked women every day? Especially Jack!” She laughed again, louder and more biting this time. “His appetite is—”

  “I think I’ve heard enough,” I said, veering around her to grab my purse and head for the door. “I’ll let you two wrap this up.”

  “Emma, wait! Wait!” Jackson jogged after me, out the door and up the cabin stairwell, into the open air. The sea breeze hit me and I inhaled deeply, eyes finding the setting sun amidst the backdrop of the marina. Natasha’s heels clacked from behind us as she made her way down the dock toward the parking lot, her snickering echoing in my ears.

  “Jackson, I’d like to go home right now. Whatever this is, I don’t want to know, I just need a few minutes to breathe—”

  “It’s not what you think, Em, I swear...I swear on my mom’s grave it’s not.”

  I stopped.

  Slowly pivoting around to face him, I raised my gaze to his. “Is she...a hooker? You owe her money for...” The question sounded absurd, but I didn’t know what other conclusion to draw. If it was anything the entire island knew, it was that Jackson didn’t have to to pay for women to sleep with him.

  “No. God, no, I swear. She’s a stripper.”

  “And you slept with her.”

  “No! I mean, yes..but no.”

  “Is it yes or no, Jackson? It’s not a hard question!”

  “I did. Before you, Em. All this shit...it was before you, okay?”

  I spat his and Natasha’s words back at him. “Two weeks ago? This weekend? Whatever just went down, it wasn’t before me, Jack.”

  “You’re right, it wasn’t. Not the money stuff. But I haven’t touched her—or anyone—since you, Emma. I would never, never, never...” He latched onto my arms, his grip so tight I could feel his fingernails digging into my flesh. “You have to believe me, please. I’m sorry you had to see that, but I swear on everything—”

  “Then what the hell is going on?”

  Sighing heavily, his eyes darted left, then right, fingers still pinching my arms. “I work at her club...just three nights a week, for some extra cash.”

  “You work at a strip club? Since when?” I choked on my words again, pulling my arms from his grasp. “Doing what?”

  “I’m a bouncer. I had...connections. Because of my dad. He took some of the girls he worked with off the streets and into the club. His attempt at making safer money.”

  “But this was years ago, I don’t understand.”

  “I stayed in touch with a lot of these people, Em. It was all I knew, for a long time. And whenever I needed good, quick money, I knew where to turn. I had some business to take care of last week and came up short with some of my bills, so I asked Natasha to help me out. Ruben and Jeff couldn’t help me, and I didn’t know who else to ask. Carter doesn’t have it, and I’d feel like a douche asking him. Natasha and I go way back. But she’s vindictive and she’s just sticking it to me now, holding my job over my head.”

  “Okay...but what made you turn there now? I thought you’ve been saving money, I thought you were doing better now—”

  “I am doing better now. Because of this job. Work’s been slow around the marina. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, but what the hell was I supposed to say?”

  “How about the truth? Is that so much to ask?”

  “Please,” he reached for me again, “put yourself in my shoes for two seconds, okay? Things have been so good with us. I finally have the girl of my dreams. I’m on cloud fucking nine with you, Emma. I know you know about my past. The very last thing I wanted to do was give you reason to distrust me.”

  “Lying to me gives me damn good reason to distrust you!”

  “I get that, I get that, I do. But I knew how this would look if everyone started talking...not just to you, but to Whitney, all your friends and family. The club is out in Cape Coral. I’ve been trying like hell to keep the news off the island because I don’t want to make you—or us—a laughing stock, okay? If everyone and their mother knew about this, it’d kill me. I didn’t want to put us through that. No one would ever believe I was being faithful to you.”

  “Who cares what other people think? And what about Ruben and his birthday party? He knows, Jeff knows...apparently a lot of people know, Jackson. Did you honestly expect to keep it a secret forever?”

  “No, because this wasn’t supposed to be forever. Just a temporary gig for some good money.”

  I dropped my arms to my sides and looked around, eyeing the dock—thankfully empty—as the darkness sank around us. “Why have you been so tight on cash? What are you saving money for, anyway? You haven’t told me anything. You’ve been tight-lipped about it for weeks, and I didn’t push the issue. But now I need to know, Jack. Especially after this,” I waved to the space around us, feeling my exasperation peak and burn. “If this is really a money issue, I deserve to know what’s going on. Because right now, it just looks like...”

  “I know.”

  I didn’t want to say what it looked like, didn’t want to voice what he clearly already guessed—that I thought he was cheating on me. Even after hearing his explanation, after seeing the sincerity pour from his expression, I couldn’t deny that my mind immediately went to that conclusion. How could it not? He was right. That would be the very first thing I—and the rest of the island, for that matter—would assume. The sad reality was Jackson was not just any hot-blooded male, working in a strip club. He was Jackson Taylor, self-admitted, notorious womanizer, with a boatload of charm, working in a strip club. As much as I wanted my love for him to overpower my concern for all that, I knew it couldn’t. I was human, and the reality stung.

  “So tell me,” I said, shutting my eyes.

  “I can’t. I wish I could, but I can’t.” He reached out to clutch my elbow again.

  “Can’t? Or won’t?”

  “Both.”

  “If you’re embarrassed about being short on cash, don’t be, okay? Just don’t. I’m not with you for money.”

  “Obviously,” he murmured, turning to peer back at his boat. “Look, I don’t deserve it, but I’m begging you to trust me. I just can’t explain why I’ve needed the money. Not yet. Monday. Monday I can tell you, you have my word. So can you do that? Trust me until then?”

  I looked away, the doubt weighing my shoulders down. He swore on his mother’s grave, I reminded myself. He would never say that unless he meant it. This was about so much more than my uneasiness over the possibility he’d been unfaithful to me, though. “You’re keeping too much from me.” I raised my chin and let resolve wash my face. “I’ll trust you when you start trusting me with...whatever it is you feel the need to keep from me. I’m going home, Jack. Let me go, please.”

  His body still and jaw stern, he let my elbow go and watched me turn and walk in the other direction, away from him, his boat, the darkness, and all the promises it had held.

  Chapter 10

  No matter how hard I tried to sleep, it just wasn’t working. I rolled over on my side and hugged the comforter close to my chest, exhaling loudly in my dark, quiet room. I glanced up toward the bedroom window, eyeing the dim moonlight as it filtered through the blinds, drinking in its soothing beauty for once, instead of cursing it.

  I’d returned home from Jackson’s a few hours ago, and was tempted to call Whitney and vent to her about everything that had happened before I turned in for the night, but decided against it. I was cried out, confused, and the sol
itude was strangely comforting. I could hear myself think, which was nice, even if the thoughts weren’t pleasant.

  Jackson had been working in a strip club. This fact was far from ideal. Even more unsettling was his sexual history with Natasha...and God knows how many other girls at the club. Had he really been faithful? My heart pounded in my chest, chanting, Yes, of course he has, once again reminding me of his comment about his mother, but my head sent waves of dread straight to the pit of my stomach. If Chris, who I was so sure was loyal, could suddenly burn me the way he did in a moment of weakness, how could I possibly think Jackson Taylor couldn’t do the same, surrounded by so much temptation?

  It wasn’t fair to doubt him so quickly, I knew this. In many ways, I knew I might’ve been the only one in Jackson’s life who really believed in him, or took him seriously, at least. At times, I wasn’t even sure Ruben believed in him or saw his potential, and they’d been best friends for years. And yet here I was, ready to discard that belief. I couldn’t teeter on the fence. I either trusted in him and his feelings for me, or I didn’t.

  But he kept secrets.

  I wrestled my feet tighter into the sheets, my stomach turning sour. There was also the fact that not only had he been lying about where he was working, his money troubles were continuing to mount and he wouldn’t tell me why or where all the money was going in the first place. He said he’d been saving. Then why was he so broke?

  I flipped the sheets over and stood to my feet. There was no way in hell I was sleeping any time soon.

  Shuffling out of my bedroom and into the hall, I flipped on the hall light and wandered toward the living room, stopping at the corridor table to grab the pile of mail I hadn’t opened earlier. Pulling it from the mail tray, I made a stop at the refrigerator for a glass of water and then snuggled into the couch, tearing envelope after envelope open, liking the ripping sound of the paper as I tore each piece with the letter opener. It felt good to cut into something.

  My fingers stilled when they landed on a crisp, white envelope from Pike Pacific University, the rest of the stack falling to my lap and scattering. I held the pretty white envelope for a moment, my fingertips pinched tight around its edges.

  This was it. The one I’d been waiting for. The Marine Biology program I’d wanted to get into since the day I’d discovered it with Chris. He’d been helping me search for a smaller, private university that offered the specialization I’d been looking for, and this one had sealed the deal when we’d found out it offered an exclusive intern program with the Seattle Aquarium. The tuition was sky-high, but my mom offered to help pick up the slack if I got in, and I’d already spoken to their Admissions department to confirm that they’d accept my state college general education classes for transfer, which was almost too good to be true. Many of the other private colleges I looked into wouldn’t accept them. Even better, their tiny campus was right in the Pike Place district, so I could go to school, work, live—and if all went perfectly—intern in the same area, right in the heart of the city.

  The equivalent of my academic heaven.

  I blinked and ripped open the letter, eyes crazily scanning the text. All I had to see was, “We’re pleased to offer you admission...” and I squealed like a 13-year-old and flew off the couch. I made it. I actually made it.

  “I’m in, Jen!” I shouted toward the ceiling, waving the letter. “This is it, this is it, this is it!”

  Bouncing up and down, I let my excited energy explode from my lungs before I darted back to my bedroom to grab my cell phone.

  Guess who’s moving to Seattle!!! I texted Whitney, not bothering to look at the time.

  I didn’t wait for her to respond.

  I g8t in girl I897nxk yeah!!!

  It only took a few seconds for my ringtone to chime. I picked up and we launched into celebration, the news pouring from my lips so fast I grew dizzy, and for a moment—a short, bittersweet one—I forgot about how hurt I was that Jackson had lied to me, and how the worry was slowly eating away at my insides.

  I forgot about Jackson entirely.

  ***

  Showing up at Jackson’s boat Monday morning, I couldn’t help but glance obsessively at my watch. I only had an hour to talk to him and get to work, and I’d doubted an hour would be enough to discuss where we both stood since our run-in with Natasha, my school news, whatever else, and be able to say goodbye on a peaceful note before I headed to work. No, it wouldn’t be enough time. But I couldn’t go one more day without confronting him and giving him the news.

  The acceptance letter excitement hijacked and delayed my emotions about our argument all weekend, and he’d been good enough to give me some space to process it all. I didn’t get one call from him since I left him on the dock, and I was actually okay with that, considering I’d been barraged by family and friends the moment my Seattle move news broke. I didn’t even bother mentioning a word about his place of employment to Whitney, knowing she’d find out soon enough. My head was still spinning from it all.

  On top of everything, my mission to get my hands on another copy of Jen’s obituary was drowned out in all the commotion. I still didn’t want to read it on-line. It felt impersonal. I needed it tangible, in my hands, so I could grip, feel, and taste the words as they sank into me from the page. Every cell in me told me I’d earn the final pieces of closure I needed once I read it for myself. I’d already known what I’d done—or hadn’t done—but I needed to physically see it, word for word, away from a computer screen. I just needed to print out a new copy and make the time to face it once and for all. No more excuses.

  “Hey.” Jackson’s tone was glum as he led me into the cabin. Bags were dark under his eyes, and his cheeks looked paler than usual.

  “Hey. Sorry I called so early, but I had to talk to you in person before work. I’m just so excited...this can’t wait.”

  “Excited...to break up with me?”

  “What? No—I mean, I don’t think we’re breaking up...are we?”

  “Well the way you left the other day, I assumed—”

  “I just needed space, Jack. I was angry, confused, and overwhelmed. It was too much. And more than a little awkward.”

  “You’re still angry.”

  “Yeah, I still am. But what you said about your mom...I know you meant it. What hurt the most is that you felt the need to keep all of this from me. I understand your motive for lying, even though it was wrong. It’s so not okay for you to be around these girls you have history with, to work with them every week while they’re hanging around you naked and—”

  I flinched, this thing called jealousy lodging tight in my throat. It formed into a hard lump, mixed with disgust. I couldn’t stomach the images that popped into my head any longer.

  “Here, sit,” he said, gesturing to the sofa. He sat down next to me, our knees touching. His arms remained stiff at his sides. I wanted to lean over and crush my lips to his because I missed him and he looked so goddamned beautiful, cozy in his worn jeans, paint-splattered t-shirt, and bedhead hair, but I couldn’t. The images were still lingering. “I’ll never step foot into the club again. You have my word. I’ll do anything, Emma. Anything to prove to you there’s no one else, to prove I haven’t touched anyone but you.”

  “It’s more than that, Jackson.”

  “So, tell me.”

  “I need to understand...what drove you to take this job and hide it from me. I know you’ve been saving money, so it doesn’t make sense. I want to know what’s going on in your life. I don’t like being cut out. That’s not a partnership, and I want a partner.”

  “I didn’t want to cut you out—never did. I knew it was a risk doing this behind your back, but I was waiting until today to tell you. I mean, I was going to go to this meeting first to make sure, then come clean to you today. I swear it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  His body relaxed a little and he turned to slip an arm around my waist, relaxing further when he saw that I let him.


  “I couldn’t say anything until I was sure this...this deal would work out. The night you broke down at Pete’s, when I saw how much I hurt you, added to your grief, it made me...awake. So awake. I realized everything you said to me that day in your bedroom, about me standing still and you needing to move forward, was true. You were right. The next day, I paid off the last month of my rent, and gave my landlord notice I was leaving. I cleaned out my place, packed, and moved onto the boat. That was the first part of my plan, only I wasn’t sure what to do next. I only knew I wanted to get out of this rut. Be...be a better man, even though you didn’t want me.”

  I took his hand. “I get why you were standing still, Jack. I loved you anyway. I just couldn’t admit it yet.”

  Some color returned to his cheeks, and his grip tightened around me, a flurry of vibrancy sparkling in his eyes. He looked just as excited as I felt, hearing the news about my college acceptance. “Well, I know what to do next, now, Em. And that’s why I went to work at the club, why I left my apartment and moved to the boat. It was to make some fast cash and make it happen. I figured it out, and I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

  “Okay, what is it?”

  “Wait.” He paused, catching his breath. “If you’re not here to talk about breaking up, what’s this news you’re so excited about?”

  “My news can wait.”

  “No, it can’t. Please, tell me.” He stood and wiped his hands on his jeans. Sweat, I thought. God, what’s he so nervous about? Seeing Jackson nervous was, well...unnerving.

  Instead of objecting, I smiled and fidgeted with my fingers, staring down at my lap, suddenly nervous myself. I wasn’t breaking up with him, but I knew the news would still be hurtful. It occurred to me then that I hadn’t fully thought this through. That like reading Jen’s obituary, weighing how my college acceptance would affect Jackson’s feelings was also lost in the hype. “Okay, well...I’m moving to Seattle in the spring. I got into Pike Pacific, the school I told you about.”

  An array of emotions flashed over his face, so colorful I couldn’t make out which one he’d decided on just yet. There was a hint of happiness, pride, and adoration, and then there was conflict. Conflict gave way to disappointment, and disappointment quickly shifted into complete devastation. His shoulders fell. “You got in,” he said, almost whispering. “That’s...that’s great, Em.” Shaking himself from his haze, he bent down to pull me from the couch and wrapped me in a loose hug. “I knew you’d make it. I’m so happy for you.”