Lang Downs

by Ariel Tachna

  “Neil’s car still isn’t back,” Jason said as they parked the ute. “I hope that doesn’t mean they’ve had bad news.”

  “Yeah, I hope not,” Seth agreed. He knew Devlin Taylor by sight, but little else. The grazier had made his opinion of everything about Lang Downs perfectly clear, so Seth didn’t have much use for him. He didn’t want Jeremy upset, though, and whatever happened with Devlin would affect Jeremy. Seth refused to think of Chris in a similar situation. Chris had been the only stability in his life before they came to Lang Downs, and Chris was still the only person he cared about who hadn’t abandoned him at least once. If Chris had an accident like Devlin had… it didn’t bear thinking about.

  “I’m going to clean up before dinner,” Jason said, “and I ought to see what Cooper’s plans are for the evening. I shouldn’t neglect him too much.”

  So much for forgetting his worries.

  “I’ll see you at dinner, maybe,” Seth said. “Or not, if you want to spend time with him.”

  “You could join us in the bunkhouse,” Jason offered. “There’s a lot of great blokes working the station this summer. You’d enjoy it.”

  “I’ll think about it,” Seth said. He’d told Macklin he would take an empty room in the bunkhouse, but the more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t stomach the idea. He’d stay with Chris and Jesse for now and make more permanent arrangements later. “I have to work again tomorrow, so I don’t want to stay up too late.” He didn’t want to watch Jason snuggled up with another man.

  “I have to work tomorrow too,” Jason reminded him. “People come and go as they need to, but it’s better than sitting alone in your room.”

  “I’m not alone. I have Chris and Jesse.”

  “So you do,” Jason agreed. “I guess living with your brother is different than moving back in with your parents. I couldn’t get into the bunkhouse fast enough when I came back.”

  Couldn’t get into Cooper’s bed fast enough, Seth thought cynically. “It would be hard to take Cooper back to your place if you were still living there.”

  “Mum and Dad don’t care that I’m gay or that I’m seeing Cooper,” Jason said. “But the other jackaroos already see me as a kid. Living with my parents would make that worse.”

  “I guess,” Seth said. “You’ve got more experience than most of them put together, though, so what does it matter what they think?”

  Jason shrugged. “It’s nice to have friends my own age. I didn’t know you were coming home when I moved into the bunkhouse.”

  Could all this have been avoided if he’d shared his plans with Jason sooner instead of wanting to surprise him with the news? The thought made him sick to his stomach.

  “I’ll see you at dinner,” Seth said. He had to get away from Jason before he said something he’d regret. He didn’t poach. As long as Jason was happy with Cooper, Seth couldn’t say anything. If he made Jason uncomfortable, he’d lose even their friendship, and that would kill him.

  He bolted from the ute, leaving the notes Jason had taken and everything else behind. He’d come back after dinner and make sure everything was ready for whoever took the ute out next, but he had to be alone now. He thought he heard Jason call after him, but he didn’t turn around to check. He couldn’t deal with Jason right now.

  Chris was in the living room when Seth came in. “Hi, how was your day?”

  “Fine,” Seth said through gritted teeth, “but I really need a shower. We’ll talk when I’m done, okay?”

  “Sure.” Chris looked surprised, but Seth couldn’t do explanations right now. Talking to Chris might be easier than talking to Jason, but only marginally. He’d get his balance back, and then he could go back to pretending nothing was wrong.

  He grabbed a change of clothes in the bedroom and paused for a moment to consider his razor. He’d always liked the feel of a straight razor when he was shaving, and no one questioned him owning one or having it in the bathroom. He pressed hard against the scrapes on his knuckles, but they’d lost most of their painful sensitivity overnight and with all the work he’d done that day. “Fuck.”

  He grabbed the razor along with his clothes and headed for the bathroom. He needed to shave anyway. Maybe the shower would help and he could just get rid of his stubble without needing it for anything else.

  He stripped down and set the razor on the sink. Less temptation than setting it on the edge of the tub, where he could reach it more easily. The shower would work. Hot water, plenty of steam, to wash all the tension away along with the sweat and dirt from the day. He could do this. He didn’t need to cut himself to find his balance.

  He scrubbed at his hair, cursing softly when the strands caught on his uneven nails. He either needed a haircut or a pair of nail clippers. He hadn’t thought working on the station would be that much harder on his hands than working in the shop in Sydney, but his hands were a mess. He clung to that thought instead of dwelling on Jason going back to the bunkhouse to find Cooper. They wouldn’t shower together. The shower block in the bunkhouse didn’t offer enough privacy for that.

  He scrubbed at his scalp harder. He was focusing on getting clean, not on what Jason might or might not be doing with another man. It wasn’t his business anyway, unless Cooper did something to hurt Jason. Then it could be Seth’s business as Jason’s best friend. But Jason hadn’t seemed upset. He seemed happy with Cooper. So Seth couldn’t interfere. Jason wouldn’t appreciate it, and if Jason was annoyed with Seth, he’d start spending even less time with him.

  Seth braced his hand against the wall. He had to stop. He couldn’t let his thoughts spiral out of control this way. It wasn’t healthy and didn’t help anything. He forced himself to rinse his hair and reach for the soap. He lathered the washcloth and scrubbed at the dirt and grease on his skin. The rough nap of the fabric felt good, and the sting of the soap in the cuts on his hands was a breath of fresh air in the blackness of his mind. He took a deep breath and focused on that, scrubbing harder than strictly necessary until his skin smarted from the friction.

  He was okay. He didn’t need to do anything drastic to deal with this. Jason was happy. Seth could be happy for him. He could be Jason’s best friend like he’d always been, and they could laugh at all the same bad jokes and watch all the same old shows on the telly.

  Feeling reasonably in control of himself again, Seth turned off the water, dried off, and climbed out of the tub. He would go ahead and shave so it was done and he didn’t have to worry about it in the morning. And then he’d dress and go to dinner and maybe take Jason up on his invitation to come to the bunkhouse for a while. He might even find that he liked Cooper if he could get past his instinctive jealousy.

  The scrape of the razor over his skin felt good in a normal kind of way, a safe kind of way. He was in control of what it cut, and all it removed was the day’s growth of whiskers. No cuts, not even any nicks. Just smooth, freshly shaved skin. Nothing for anyone to worry about. Nothing for anyone to see.

  Finished with his ablutions, he dressed, tossed his dirty clothes in the hamper, and rejoined Chris in the living room. “Sorry I was short earlier. It was really hot and dusty out in the paddocks today.”

  “I thought you were working in the tractor shed,” Chris said.

  “I did this morning, but this afternoon, Jason and I went out to a couple of the drover’s huts. We wanted to check out the lay of the land so I can figure out how to give Caine what he wants.”

  Chris laughed. “We all spend an awful lot of time figuring out how to give Caine what he wants, don’t we?”

  Seth smiled. “I haven’t forgotten I owe him and Macklin your life. And probably mine, for that matter. I don’t know what would have happened to us if they hadn’t been there.”

  “We would have found a way,” Chris said, “but that doesn’t make me less grateful. We have a safe place to call home, and that’s worth a lifetime of loyalty. I’m glad you’re home. I don’t think I said that yesterday.”

  “I t
hink I needed to go away,” Seth said. “I needed to see what else was out there, but there’s nothing out there that can come close to what I have here. Now that I know, I’m here to stay. At least as long as Caine and Macklin will have me.”

  “Do your job, tell someone if you screw up, and don’t pick fights, and they’ll have no problem with you staying,” Chris said. “You’re family to them too.”

  “I haven’t picked a fight since we moved here ten years ago,” Seth said. “I outgrew that phase.”

  “There wasn’t anyone here for you to fight,” Chris said.

  There hadn’t been any reason to start a brawl to drown out the chaos of his life with pain. Life on Lang Downs was many things, but it had never tormented him the way his life had before he arrived.

  “Maybe not, but I’m not fourteen and out of control anymore,” Seth reminded him. “I’ve had a few years to learn how to deal with my temper.” He rubbed at his knuckles, the twinge enough to settle him. “I’m going to head to the canteen. Are you coming or are you waiting for Jesse?”

  “Jesse won’t be back tonight,” Chris said. “He drew an overnight shift in the south paddock. He’ll be back tomorrow around lunch. I’ll walk over to the canteen with you.”

  They walked out onto the veranda and Seth paused to take a deep breath. Yes, it was hot and even in the valley, he could smell the dust, but he could also smell the jasmine from Carley’s garden. It smelled like home.

  “We should plant some flowers around our veranda too,” he said. “We’re the only house that doesn’t have at least a few.”

  “Be my guest,” Chris said. “Jesse and I tried, but we don’t have the knack for keeping flowers alive.”

  “I’ll give it a try,” Seth said. “It’ll be good to have something to look after. Like a pet, only easier.”

  “If you say so.” Chris jostled his shoulder as he walked toward the canteen. “Come on. I’m hungry.”

  Seth laughed and hurried to catch up with Chris. His good mood lasted until they walked through the door to the canteen. The silence in the room had a weight of its own. Seth looked around, seeking the source of the unease. Everyone sat in their usual groupings except for Dani and Liam, Neil’s kids. They sat with Linda and Kyle, two of the year-rounders, instead of with their parents. “I know where Neil went. Where’s Molly?” Seth asked.

  “I don’t know,” Chris replied, “but whatever happened, I don’t think it’s good.” He walked toward the table where Thorne and Ian sat. Seth trailed behind him. The last thing he wanted was bad news, but pretending nothing was wrong wouldn’t change anything.

  “What’s going on?” Chris asked as he sat down.

  “Taylor didn’t make it,” Thorne said. “I didn’t get all the details, but I had enough field training in the Commandos to guess the fall caused bleeding in his brain. It doesn’t have to be fatal, but it can be, all too easily.”

  Seth shuddered. How many times had he seen jackaroos come back into the station dusty from a fall? It didn’t happen weekly, not even monthly, but often enough that no one considered it outside the realm of possibility. And that kind of a tumble had just killed a man.

  “What’s going to happen at Taylor Peak? Did Caine say anything?” Chris asked.

  Thorne shook his head. “Everyone’s still in shock. I figure it’ll be Monday before they release the body to the mortuary and then Tuesday or Wednesday before they can have the funeral. After that, it’ll depend on how Jeremy’s feeling. It’s not an easy thing to lose the only family you have.”

  “No, it isn’t,” Chris agreed.

  “When my family was killed, it took me weeks before I could think straight,” Thorne said. “Of course some people would say enlisting in the army and going fast-track into the Commandos was proof I still wasn’t thinking straight even when I felt capable of making a decision.”

  Seth stood up abruptly. He couldn’t listen to any more or he’d lose it right there. “I’m going to get some tucker. I’ll be back.”

  He grabbed a plate and nodded to Kami, the station’s cook and Sarah’s new husband. The old man wasn’t talkative on the best of days. His silence was exactly what Seth needed right now. He almost asked if he could eat in the kitchen, but that would give too much away, so he filled his plate and struggled to maintain his composure. Chris being bashed had sent him running headlong looking for help. He’d stumbled into the Yass Hotel, where he’d found Caine and Macklin, who had stopped him from losing the one thing he had left. Still, he’d lost enough to know how it felt to have the rug pulled out from under his feet. He’d lost his mother and his home in a matter of days when his stepfather kicked him and Chris out the night of her funeral. If it hadn’t been for Chris…. That didn’t even bear thinking about.

  At least Jeremy wouldn’t have to worry about losing the roof over his head.

  Seth pushed the thought aside and returned to the table. He’d eat as quickly as he could and then go somewhere where the conversation wouldn’t center on Taylor’s death. Surely someone would have something else on their mind.

  Seven

  SETH LASTED all of half an hour in the bunkhouse before the conversation got to be too much for him. He’d hoped none of the seasonal jackaroos would know Taylor well enough to dwell on his death beyond the appropriate somberness at the news, but he wasn’t that lucky. It had been all they could talk about, whether it was speculating on what had killed him or discussing if taking him to the hospital sooner could have saved him. Seth didn’t have an answer to either of the questions, but the discussion itself left him reeling. It could so easily have been Chris or Caine or any of the men Seth had come to count on at Lang Downs. Taylor’s lifetime of experience hadn’t been enough to keep him from having an accident. Caine and Chris had far fewer years under their belts.

  “I’m beat,” he told the jackaroo next to him—he hadn’t even managed to catch the man’s name. “I’m going to bed.”

  “G’night,” the jackaroo said without even looking away from the rest of the room.

  Yeah, that was exactly how important Seth was to anyone in the bunkhouse. Even Jason didn’t look in his direction as he wended his way toward the door. The cherry on the cake of his already fucked-up day.

  The temperature had dropped with sunset, giving the air a hint of freshness it hadn’t had earlier, but Seth didn’t linger to enjoy it. He was holding on to his composure by his fingernails. All he cared about was getting somewhere private so he could melt down without anyone seeing him. He’d pull it together by morning and no one would be any wiser, but for that, he had to get to his bedroom without Chris waylaying him. Normally he’d rely on Jesse to hold Chris’s attention, but Jesse wouldn’t be home, and with the news of Taylor’s death, Chris would want the comfort of Seth’s presence.

  Seth briefly considered trying to sneak in the window, but he wasn’t sure it was unlocked. Even if it was, he wasn’t fourteen and trying to get away from his stepfather Tony anymore. He could tell Chris he was tired and didn’t feel like talking tonight. Chris wouldn’t say that was back talk and greet it with the back of his hand. Chris would accept it, give him a hug, and tell him to sleep well.

  Right now, he’d prefer the backhand. It would jerk him out of the bog his thoughts had become. Chris’s kindness would only reinforce how much he had to lose.

  God, he was so fucked up, but knowing it didn’t change anything. He had learned to cope with life in Sydney most of the time, but nothing had prepared him for the turmoil being back at home had caused.

  “Seth? What are you doing standing outside?”

  Chris’s voice broke through Seth’s thoughts. “Nothing. Just looking at the stars.”

  “Jesse’s not here to point everything out to you, and I still don’t know everything he does. I can show you the Southern Cross, but that’s about it.”

  “Anyone with eyes can see the Southern Cross,” Seth snarked. “Come on, you haven’t learnt more than that in ten years? What kind of boyfri
end are you?”

  Chris laughed. “I’m telling Jesse you said that. You didn’t used to want to hear his answer to that kind of question.”

  Seth had been young and clueless back then, with no paradigm for bisexuality and no time to think about it between school and trying to help Chris keep a roof over their heads. He hadn’t wanted to talk about anything related to sex, especially his brother’s sex life. Ten years had changed his outlook on sex in general, but not where his brother was concerned.

  “Just don’t expect me to stick around for his answer.”

  “Come on. It’s late and we both have to work tomorrow. I don’t know when Jeremy and Sam will be back, but it won’t be in the morning, so we’ll have to keep covering for them.”

  “If there’s anything I can help with, let me know,” Seth said as they went inside. “I did all the routine maintenance this morning, so unless something breaks, I can fill in wherever. Caine’s new projects can wait a few days if they need to.”

  “That’ll be for Macklin to decide, since Neil is still in Canberra with Jeremy, but I know he’ll appreciate the offer even if he doesn’t take you up on it.”

  “Anything I can do,” Seth repeated. “I learnt enough before I went off to uni to do pretty much anything for a day or two.”