Lang Downs

by Ariel Tachna

  “Are you trying to make it hurt worse?” Phil said, pulling his hand away.

  He sighed and didn’t answer. She wouldn’t understand. Turning on Walker hadn’t been a conscious decision, but it had been a surefire way to get enough pain to hold him for a while. The jackaroo who’d made the comment about Jason hadn’t even come close. Stupid fucker.

  “No, just trying to see how much damage there is so I can get back to work,” Seth said. “I have a ute to fix.”

  Phil pursed her lips but didn’t stop him when he sat up this time. His head spun momentarily, his vision going swimmy, but he blinked a few times and sat very still until he could focus on her face without feeling like he was going to vomit. The process repeated itself when he stood up, but he finally reached the point that he could walk. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

  If he staggered a little walking out the door, she was kind enough not to say anything.

  JASON WAS taking the sutures out of Misfit’s leg when he heard the jackaroos talking.

  “He just went off like a madman. I thought he was going to kill Perkins. If Walker hadn’t pulled him off, I don’t know what would have happened.”

  Not my business, Jason told himself as he kept working.

  “I don’t know why the bosses let him stay, but Simms is a danger to the station,” another one said.

  Now it was his business. He couldn’t ask them, though. They’d never tell him anything. He’d have to find Seth when he was done with Misfit and make sure he was okay. It sounded like he’d come out on top of the fight, but that didn’t mean he was uninjured.

  He finished up with Misfit and put him back in his stall. He’d numbed the area so it wouldn’t bother Misfit while he was working, so he’d need to wait until the lidocaine wore off before they turned him out. Now he had to find Seth and hope he could get him to talk without running. He didn’t know Taylor Peak as well as he knew Lang Downs, but he knew Seth, and that meant finding the tractor shed, or whatever the equivalent of it was here. Seth would go there to lick his wounds even if he didn’t have work to do.

  He checked the building next to the barn, but that was all storage. As he approached the one after, he heard the distinctive sound of Seth cursing. The sound made him smile. Some things never changed.

  He hesitated when he reached the door, and it tore at him. He’d never thought twice about going to Seth before, whether it was to check on him, because he needed something, or simply because he wanted to spend time with him. The need to fix this was almost impossible to ignore, but he wouldn’t fix anything if he pressured Seth so much that he ran again.

  “Seth?”

  Seth looked up. Even in the dim interior, Jason could see cuts on his face and the bruise forming around his eye. If Seth was the winner, Jason didn’t want to see the loser.

  “Jason.”

  “You okay?”

  “I’ve been better,” Seth said with a shrug. “I was winning the fight until Walker decided to break it up.”

  “Why were you fighting in the first place?” Jason asked, amused despite himself.

  “They were talking shit,” Seth replied. “I can put up with a lot, but not that.”

  “Really, Seth?” Jason said. “You got yourself torn to pieces because some idiot made a comment about you?”

  “They weren’t talking about me,” Seth said. “They were talking about you.”

  That took the wind out of Jason’s sails. “Can I take a look, make sure you aren’t hurt too bad?”

  “Phil and Walker already checked me out,” Seth said. “I’ve got one hell of a shiner, a bruised jaw, a sore nose, and some cuts. Nothing that’s going to kill me.”

  “I’d still like to see for myself.” Jason took a tentative step into the building, hoping Seth wouldn’t try to bolt.

  “Why are you here, Jase?” Seth said with a sigh, but he didn’t try to run, so Jason counted that as a win.

  “I came to take out Misfit’s sutures,” Jason said. “I’d have come earlier, but Chris said I should give you time to calm down before I followed you.”

  “I told him not to tell you where I was when I called to let him know I was safe,” Seth said, but there was no heat in his words.

  “I know. He showed me the note you left,” Jason replied as he came a little closer. “I don’t know why you felt you had to leave, but whatever it was, it’s not as bad as you think.”

  Seth’s disbelief was clear on his face.

  “You don’t have to believe me, but unless you’re going to tell me you’re a serial killer or something like that, nothing you say is going to change the fact that I love you. So you might as well get used to it. If you run, I’ll just keep following until you finally get tired of running.”

  “You don’t want me,” Seth said. “I’m a complete fuckup. Nobody wants me.”

  Jason’s heart broke at the self-recrimination in Seth’s voice. “I don’t know where you got the idea that nobody wants you, but you’re wrong. Chris wants his brother. Caine and Macklin need you as a mechanic and an engineer. But most of all, I want you in every way known to man. I want you as my best friend. I want you as my lover. I want you as my partner, if you’ll have me. I want the house and the dog and the life together, but only if I can have it with you.”

  Seth shook his head, but Jason ignored it and went on.

  “You don’t have to believe me, but it’s not going to change how I feel. I know what I want, and I know who I want it with. But here’s the thing. If you tell me it can’t work the way I need it to work, I’ll listen. You just have to tell me how you need it to work. If you need me to drive back to Lang Downs and call you to set up a date, I can do that. If you need me to stay in the bunkhouse while you move into the house on Lang Downs and get used to the idea of having a home, I can do that too. I want it all. I’m not going to lie. But I’m willing to start wherever you’re comfortable.”

  “And if I don’t want to start at all?” Seth asked.

  The words stung, but Macklin had warned him Seth wouldn’t make this easy. “Then I’ll wait until you’re ready,” Jason said, “but I’m not giving up and I’m not going away. I made that mistake two nights ago and you ran from me.”

  Seth made a helpless sound that tore at Jason’s self-control. He crossed the remaining distance between them and wrapped his arms around Seth. “Please,” he whispered against Seth’s shoulder, “don’t run from me again.”

  Seth didn’t reply, but he didn’t push Jason away either, so Jason counted that as a win. Slowly, Seth’s arms came to rest around Jason’s waist, holding him in place. The breath Jason had been holding came out in a rush.

  “I don’t know how to do this,” Seth said so softly Jason could barely hear him. “I don’t know how to do anything right.”

  “That’s not true,” Jason said. “I’ve seen you fix more engines than I can count.”

  “Engines don’t count,” Seth said. “They’re easy. Put the parts together the right way and they work. It’s everything else that’s hard.”

  Jason squeezed Seth a little tighter. “We’re the right parts. We just have to figure out the best way to fit together. It’s a puzzle, and we’ll solve it together.”

  Seth nodded. “Give me a couple of days to get used to the idea?”

  “As long as you need,” Jason promised. “Just….” He dropped his hand to Seth’s thigh, where the razor had dug deep. “Just don’t hurt yourself again, okay? I can deal with a lot of things, but seeing blood dripping down your leg like that… I don’t know how to deal with that.”

  “I’ll try not to,” Seth said.

  Jason wanted to press for a promise or answers or an explanation, anything that would help him keep it from happening again, but he’d already pushed more than he’d planned. He could be patient for a little longer. “Then I’m going to head back to Lang Downs. Can I call you tonight to see how the rest of your day went?”

  “I’d like that,” Seth said.

  J
ason kissed him gently, trying not to make the pain in Seth’s split lip worse, but he couldn’t leave without that much. “I love you,” he said again. “I’ll call you tonight.”

  “I love you too.”

  Seventeen

  SETH GLARED down at the phone in his hand. Jason had said he’d call, but it was getting late and the phone hadn’t rung yet. He could call. He knew Jason’s number as well as he knew his own. Hell, probably better, since he never called his own number. He didn’t want to call. He wanted Jason to keep his promise and call—

  The phone rang, stopping that train of thought. He made himself wait for the second ring to pick it up.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Seth. I’m sorry I’m so late calling. I got back to Lang Downs to another sick sheep. I had to take care of that before I could do anything else, and then Kami insisted I eat something, and Chris wanted to know how you were, and Caine and Macklin wanted an update on Taylor Peak, and—”

  “And life was as crazy as always at home,” Seth finished. “You don’t owe me an explanation. I’m just glad you called. What’s this about sick sheep?”

  “Macklin noticed a couple of sheep acting oddly. They didn’t have a fever or anything, but I brought them back to the valley for observation just to be safe. When I got back today, Ian had brought another sheep down that had the same symptoms, so I had to go back through the check on all three of them to make sure I hadn’t missed anything the first time,” Jason explained.

  “Did you?” Seth asked.

  “If I did, I still haven’t found it,” Jason said. “It’s probably nothing, but I have to keep a close eye on them. How was the rest of your day?”

  “Fine,” Seth said. “I got the ute running right again. I swear, Taylor skimped on everything. All it needed was a tune-up, but it had been let go to the point that much longer would have led to the engine having to be rebuilt, and that’s a whole lot more expensive than changing the oil and the spark plugs on time.”

  “Yeah, Dad always said he was as parsimonious as it came. How are you feeling?” Jason asked. Seth could hear Patrick saying those exact words. Patrick had never had much patience for the Taylors until Jeremy showed up. “Not in too much pain?”

  “I took some paracetamol,” Seth said, “but nothing’s going to make the bruises go away faster. I’ll just have to live with not being pretty for a few days.”

  “I still love you, bruises and all,” Jason said so earnestly Seth had to laugh.

  “I wasn’t fishing for compliments.”

  “I know,” Jason replied, “but that doesn’t make it any less true. I didn’t fall in love with you because of the way you look, and I’m not going to stop loving you because you have a few bruises.”

  “Why did you fall in love with me?” The words slipped out before Seth could stop them. They made him sound like an insecure Galah, but it was the one thing he couldn’t figure out.

  “Because you’re funny and amazing and didn’t look down on the kid from the outback when you moved to Lang Downs,” Jason said. “Because you always had time for me even though I was younger than you. Because you pretended to have trouble with math so I wouldn’t feel bad about struggling with it and still managed to explain it to me better than any of our teachers or textbooks ever could. Because you were as lonely as I was, even if you were better at pretending you didn’t need anyone. Because your smile lights up a room and I forget other people are around when I look at you. Is that enough or do you need more reasons?”

  Seth swallowed hard. He hadn’t expected Jason to have an answer for his question, especially not that detailed an answer. “It’s enough,” he said hoarsely. “It’s… fuck, Jase, you can’t say things like that to me. I’m not that man.”

  “Yes, you are,” Jason said. “Maybe you don’t see yourself that way, but you did all those things. Remember when I got back from Taylor Peak after Misfit got hurt? You’re the one I went looking for. Not my parents or Cooper or anyone else. I went looking for you because as soon as I saw you, I felt better. You make me happy just by being there.”

  “You’re a drongo to trust me that much,” Seth said. “I’ll just fuck it up like I fuck up everything and end up hurting you too.”

  “You keep saying that,” Jason said, “but it’s not going to happen. I mean, I’m sure we’ll step on each other’s toes sometimes. You are a bit of a slob. But that’s not enough to make me stop loving you.”

  “And when I get so freaked out about something I end up doing something stupid to get it to stop?” Seth asked. “Because that’s a whole lot harder to control than being a slob.”

  “What’s freaking you out?” Jason asked. “Maybe we can find a better way to cope with it.”

  “Everything,” Seth said. “I don’t know how to have a relationship. I don’t know how to have sex with a man. I don’t know how to be happy.”

  “I hate to break it to you,” Jason said, “but we’ve had a relationship for ten years, and you’re doing fine. So maybe if you know more about that than you think you do, the other stuff won’t be that hard either.”

  “Being friends isn’t the same thing,” Seth said.

  “No?” Jason asked. “Because from where I’m sitting, the only things that’ll change are sleeping in the same bed—which we did half the time anyway—and sex. And the only difference there is who you’re doing it with. Unless you aren’t attracted to me.”

  “Now who’s fishing for compliments?” Seth’s voice caught as he spoke. Not attracted to Jason? How could he think that?

  “Me,” Jason answered easily. “Hearing you say you loved me was a dream come true. Kissing you was something I only let myself think about alone late at night. I’m trying my damnedest to be patient and give you what you need for this to work, but it hit me hard when you ran. I’ll stand at your side no matter what comes, but I can’t do that if you aren’t here.”

  “I’m sorry,” Seth said. “I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want anyone to find out how weak I am.”

  “Do you think you can tell me why you did it?”

  Seth tried to figure out how to explain his cutting to Jason. It never made sense later, even to him. “Because sometimes things get so tangled up in my head that I can’t think straight,” he said finally. “And when that happens, pain is the only thing that breaks the cycle. I can control that. I can choose where to cut and how deeply. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can control.”

  “Now it’s my turn to apologize. I never meant to make you feel that way.”

  “You didn’t,” Seth said. “At least not just you, and not intentionally. I told you. I’m a fuckup, and the way I deal with that isn’t any better.”

  “You aren’t a fuckup, and if you don’t like the way you deal with it, find a new way.”

  “It’s not that easy,” Seth protested.

  “I’m sure it’s not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You’ve never backed down from a fight, Seth. Hell, you took on Walker today. Next to that, this will be a piece of cake.”

  “I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Seth admitted.

  “Me either,” Jason said, “but I know who might have some ideas.”

  “Who?”

  “Thorne or Ian,” Jason said. “They both got help to deal with their PTSD. Some of the things they learnt might help you too. And if they don’t, they can tell us who to ask for more help.”

  “I love you,” Seth said because nothing else would do right then. “Anyone else would have run away screaming by now.”

  “Their loss,” Jason replied. “I love you too. You should get some sleep so your body can heal up. I want you well again. I might not love you for your pretty face, but that doesn’t mean I like it covered in bruises.”

  “I miss you,” Seth said softly. “The bed is cold without you in it.”

  “It’s summer,” Jason said. “Nothing is cold right now. But I miss you too. Say the word and I’ll move to Taylor Peak tomo
rrow. Or you can come home. Whatever you want.”

  “In a few days,” Seth said. He hated making Jason wait, but he couldn’t take that final step yet. He needed a few days to just breathe first. “Tell everyone I said cheers.”

  “Good night, Seth. Dream of me.”

  “Night, Jase.”

  Seth disconnected the call and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts chased themselves around in his head, but for once, he let them run without trying to slow them down and channel them toward or away from anything.

  Jason loved him. Despite everything, despite the cutting and the running and the fighting and everything, Jason still loved him. It should have scared him, that even when he screwed up this badly, he couldn’t shake Jason, but it steadied him instead. Maybe Jason was right. Maybe he could make this relationship work.

  He closed his eyes and the thought of a life with Jason followed him into sleep.

  SETH DIDN’T wait for Jason to call him when he got back to his room in the bunkhouse the next night. He grabbed his phone and called Jason right away.

  “Hello?”

  Jason sounded breathless… intriguingly so.

  “Hi, it’s me.”

  “Hi, Seth. I was going to call you in a few minutes. I just got out of the shower.”

  And wasn’t that a lovely image? Jason dripping wet from the shower, wrapped in just a towel—a towel Seth could flick out of the way with minimal effort.

  “Do you want to call me back?”

  “No, just give me a second to put some clothes on.”

  “Don’t go to any trouble on my account,” Seth replied. “I kind of like the idea that you’re only half dressed while we’re talking.”