You Had Me at Merlot

by Lisa Dickenson

  I crinkled my nose. That was rather a degrading thing to say. If it was true, I wasn’t surprised Jamie didn’t like how he was viewed by some of the women. But he can’t have hated it that much – as proven by her, who was busy doing God knows what in his house with him right now. He was still involved with someone else, end of.

  Laurie continued. ‘Then there’s this one from that guy who was moaning about Jamie being here. “It wasn’t his fault really, he kept a polite distance, but the way some of the women would stare and refer to him as the Italian Stallion made one feel quite inadequate.” And there’s more, if you want to see them. They all just thought he was yummy to look at; nothing actually happened. They were all just pervs.’

  Sofia nodded. ‘The only woman who he has ever developed something with since we started You Had Me at Merlot was Rachel.’

  ‘Because Rachel is so special,’ I said snidely, then looked at my hands, ashamed.

  ‘She was to him … once. He liked her very much; she brought him out of his shell and made him very happy. She promised to return here, that they wouldn’t break up.’

  I didn’t like hearing this. As pathetic as it was, as loathsome as I was acting, I didn’t want to think that she was someone who could make him glow.

  ‘Elle, stop looking like a smacked arse and listen to what happened next,’ Laurie said, ever gentle.

  ‘Rachel left with all these promises, and all this love between them,’ Sofia continued. ‘And then she just disappeared. He never heard from her again. She wouldn’t answer Jamie’s emails or calls, she blocked him on Facebook – it was like she wanted to wipe him out of her life completely. The holiday was over and so were they, only she forgot to tell him that.’

  ‘So she’s a bitch. But she’s back now, so I guess it’s back on.’

  ‘No,’ Sofia disagreed. ‘Because of that, she’s not my favourite person, and there’s no way in hell she’s going to marry my son.’

  ‘What? They’re getting married?’ It couldn’t have happened so fast, even if it was no longer my business. Surely I wasn’t that easily replaced, was I? Another flake fell off my heart.

  ‘No, no, I’m just saying that they have no future. You do not break my son’s heart and then just walk back in with your designer sunglasses.’ Sofia stabbed the wooden table with a handy kitchen knife, making me jump and Laurie snigger. Italian mothers, hey? ‘Anyway. This is why he has a barrier, this is why he met you and fell in love but was afraid to act on it, this is why he’s hurt because he feels like you’ve switched your feelings to someone else – George – so quickly and this is why it’s not easy for him to dismiss her so fast. He needs answers, and closure, even if he doesn’t need her any more.’

  I let out a whopping sigh. ‘They were kissing.’

  ‘Sometimes people do silly things when they’re emotional,’ observed Laurie.

  ‘So what you’re saying is that I need to stop being an idiot and give him the benefit of the doubt?’

  ‘No,’ said Sofia. ‘I think you should not see things in black and in white. Humans don’t do things perfectly, or behave in the best most obvious way they should, especially not silly boys. But I do think you need to find out what he’s stalling for. If it’s to try and decide between the two of you, you say goodbye – you’re not one of two dessert options, you’re worth more than that. But if he’s just finding it in himself to say goodbye to her, you should let him. Whether you like it or not, he was affected by her once.’

  I nodded, and Sofia looked between Laurie and me, then stood up.

  ‘I can see from Laurie’s face she has a scheme, and I don’t think I’d better know what it is. I’ll see you both later.’

  ‘You have a scheme?’ I asked Laurie when Sofia had left.

  She passed me some biscotti. ‘I do. We’re going to spy on Jamie.’

  I pulled at Laurie’s arm as we snuck closer to Jamie’s house. ‘I don’t want to do this,’ I whispered. The vineyard was completely dark, and we were crunching our way down between the vines. My legs were covered in scratches because apparently I am unable to follow a straight line unless I can see it.

  ‘Yes you do,’ Laurie whispered back.

  ‘What if they’re having sex?’

  She stopped and faced me, and I bashed into her. ‘If they are, it’ll be rubbish for you. But at least you’ll know.’ I nodded, and after a moment Laurie said into the darkness, ‘Do you agree?’

  ‘Yes.’ We trekked on, and I held my breath as we reached the house. I placed my hands against the cold stone wall as we felt our way around until we were crouching under an open window. Lights were glowing from inside, but there was no noise.

  I wished more than anything that I had a periscope with me. Sometimes I was so underprepared. Instead I raised myself higher, centimetre by centimetre, until I was peeping in through the glass. If they saw me now I was going to feel like such an idiot.

  Rachel was sitting stiffly on his bed, arms folded, legs crossed, her suitcase still zipped up. I almost audibly sighed with relief. Then Jamie walked right past the window holding cups of coffee and I fell backwards into Laurie, who thankfully caught me with no more than a stifled grunt. We both sat on the dirt with our backs to the wall, as silent as mice, praying neither of them came to look out of the window to see what the noise was.

  Suddenly we heard Rachel’s voice. ‘Why won’t Enzo come over here to me?’

  ‘He hasn’t seen you in a long time.’

  ‘Are we going to go over this again? I told you I was sorry for not getting back to you. I know it’s been a long time, but I’m here now. I don’t know why you can’t forgive me.’

  ‘I don’t think I want to, Rachel. It’s just not—’

  ‘I thought you’d be happy to see me, and we’d just go back to how we were.’

  ‘We can’t.’

  ‘Jamie, I’m not going to do it to you again.’

  We heard Jamie cross the room away from her again. ‘I just don’t understand why you did it in the first place. How did you think it was better to disappear completely rather than write back to one email saying you needed time, or that you didn’t want to be with me any more?’

  ‘I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought that if I just drifted away it would be easier.’

  ‘How? Easier for who? You! We were so close while you were here; maybe we got too close, maybe I was too full on, but to suddenly have nothing … I didn’t know if you were married, or dead.’

  My heart went out to him, even though I was trying to keep it firmly in place. Clearly Rachel had played with his emotions in a way that still affected him, that made him wary and worried. But I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t over until the fat lady sang. Or at least until the skinny cow left.

  Rachel sighed. ‘I’m sorry. Again, I’m sorry. But I don’t get you; you write me all these sappy emails, you tell me you love me and you want to see me again and then when you do I get the cold shoulder.’

  ‘But that was months ago. Things have changed.’

  ‘They haven’t changed that much. You still want to kiss me.’

  Laurie squeezed my hand, and I could feel her pitying eyes on my face.

  ‘That shouldn’t have happened.’

  ‘Of course it should have. Trust your feelings, Jay.’

  ‘I just wanted to see, for a moment, if what we had could be brought back. But it couldn’t.’

  ‘Yes it could. Why are you so defeatist? Why don’t you kiss me again—’

  ‘I don’t want to kiss you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It was a mistake, an impulse reaction to something. I want to kiss someone else.’

  Laurie tugged my hand and pointed at me with excitement.

  ‘Who?’ We now heard Rachel stamping across the room.

  ‘I had no heart left for a long time because of you, but now I’ve met someone else, and she’s genuine, and funny and fiery and confusing as hell, but I like her. And now she might be movin
g to America and it’s my fault.’

  ‘If she’s moving to America then she’s not very serious about you. She’s moving five thousand miles away and I’m standing five feet away. It’s an easy decision.’

  No it’s not, no it’s not. I didn’t know how I felt about Jamie right now, but I knew I didn’t want him to choose her.

  ‘It’s not a decision, though: it’s not like I’m trying to choose Rachel or Elle. I know it would be her, whether you’re here or not, because it took a long time to move on and I finally have. If she goes I’m alone again – not back in love with you.’

  ‘But I was here first. You can’t just forget me.’

  ‘I can’t forget you, but I can get over you.’

  ‘No you can’t.’

  ‘Yes he can,’ I whispered furiously to Laurie.

  ‘Yes I can. I’m sorry you came all this way. Here’s an idea: maybe you should have called.’

  I clamped a hand over my mouth to stop from giggling.

  ‘Very funny,’ Rachel spat. ‘Well I hope – if she stays – she can make you as happy as you and I were together.’

  ‘I think she can.’

  Rachel appeared at the window above and leaned out, staring ahead; we flattened our backs against the wall and peeped upwards for an unadulterated view of her flaring nostrils. She composed herself, and then ducked back inside. ‘How about one last night together?’ she asked, smooth as silk.

  Enzo growled, and I might have a little bit too.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Come on, she’s not here.’

  ‘Yes she is.’

  Shit. Laurie and I gripped each other.

  ‘What do you mean? Is she one of the guests? Hang on – don’t tell me she’s that dopey chick who brought me down here to you earlier.’

  I was going to break her sunglasses at the first opportunity I had. ‘Dopey chick’ … that bitch.

  ‘Don’t say that, and yes – that was her.’

  ‘She was stalking you, you know, scrolling through pictures of us on TripAdvisor when I first got here.’

  ‘She didn’t mean to be stalking me; she’s been helping me with something. I’d be nothing without her right now. And I’m hers now, even if she doesn’t want …’ He trailed off. Here was a man staying loyal to me even when he thought I was running away. I’d have to be very careful with that heart of his, if I chose not to run.

  ‘Well good luck with that, she seems like a psycho.’

  Laurie balled her hands into fists and I had to hold her down to stop her from leaping through the window.

  ‘Do not call her a psycho. You don’t know her and I don’t even want to hear you talking about her. This side of you … you’re not the person I was so in love with before. You’re making this pretty easy.’

  Rachel’s distinctive footsteps stomped back and forth. ‘She’s not here right now and I am, so she can’t be that special.’

  ‘Okay, enough. I’m going to go and find a room up at the house. You can sleep in here tonight and I’ll take you back to the airport tomorrow.’

  ‘Forget it; I don’t want to stay here, in your little love-nest. I’ll go up to the house.’

  ‘Whatever you want.’

  The front door opened and then closed with a slam, and Rachel, plus suitcase, strode past us into the dark. It might take her a while to struggle up that hill in all this blackness, so I guess we had to stay put.

  Inside, the bed creaked with someone sitting on it. Enzo’s paws padded across the room and there was a thud as he leapt up and joined Jamie on the bed. ‘Enzo,’ Jamie said softly. ‘I don’t want her to go to Florida.’ Enzo woofed, and Jamie crossed the room and came to a stop near the window but didn’t lean out. ‘No, Enzo, she’s not a psycho stalker, she wouldn’t have heard any of that. But in case she did, I hope she believes that I’m sorry if this whole situation hurt her. And I hope she’ll talk to me when she’s ready.’

  Busted.

  A long time later, Laurie and I were back in my room, bathing our scratched legs in the good old bidet. Jamie had waited a while by the window, but I didn’t know what to say so everyone just stayed silent and pretended it wasn’t happening. Eventually, Laurie and I scuttled off.

  ‘How do you feel after all that?’ asked Laurie.

  ‘Confused. Happy. A bit worried.’

  ‘What about? He’s ended it with her – finally. He’s all yours.’

  ‘You might kill me for saying this—’

  ‘Oh for crying out loud, have you fallen for George now?’

  ‘No, of course not. But my brain is … tangled.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I guess I just need to do some serious thinking. Because if I want him back I can’t do what she did to him. I can’t change my mind once the holiday romance vibe has worn off and I’m back in London, with Italy seeming a million miles of effort away.’

  ‘But you’re nothing like her; I don’t think you’d do that.’

  ‘I don’t think I would either, but I have a lot of decisions to make and I don’t want to leave it until I get home. What if one decision impacts on something else?’ I put my head in my hands and groaned.

  ‘It’s late, you were up all last night bonking, today you’ve met an arch-rival, you’ve agreed and also declined to move to Florida, and you’ve eavesdropped on two people while sat in the dirt. Get some sleep, and tomorrow we’ll go somewhere you can clear your head and get some perspective.’

  ‘Where? And we weren’t bonking all night, by the way.’

  ‘Let’s take a couple of those Vespas out. We’ll go for a ride, visit some more of this Tuscan countryside. Girls’ trip.’

  ‘No way, it’s our last full day: you need to make the most of it with Jon.’

  ‘No I don’t.’

  ‘Yes you do, I’m not letting you miss out on time with him just for me to have a moan.’

  ‘Are you kidding me? You took a whole holiday for me; the least I can do is take a day for you.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘God, shut up. Shall we ask Donna? We don’t have to – maybe you need to talk candidly about work and your awful bosses.’

  ‘No we should, that’d be nice for her.’

  ‘Is that a yes?’

  I yawned. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you want me to stay over tonight?’

  ‘No, stop creeping into my bed.’

  ‘Do you have one in turquoise?’ asked Laurie, surveying the line of dirt-speckled Vespas the following morning.

  ‘How’s this one, madam?’ Sebastian said, rolling forward a pale blue number.

  ‘That will do nicely. Do you have a pink one for my friend Donna? She only likes pink.’

  Donna, not a tremendously ‘pink’ person, laughed.

  ‘Let me see what I have out back.’ Off he went, and Laurie turned to me.

  ‘How are you doing? Not going to fall off your Vespa because you can’t see a thing through your tears, are you?’

  ‘No, I’m okay – no more tears. I’m looking forward to clearing my head, having a day with you ladies, seeing a little more of this place and her being gone by the time I get back.’

  Sebastian reappeared holding a pink ribbon, which he tied with a flourish to a gleaming black Vespa. ‘How’s this, Donna? Fit for the boss?’

  ‘It’s perfect, thank you.’ She took it from him and proudly wheeled it out of the way.

  ‘Bella Ella, which of these floats your boat?’

  I chose a yellow one because it reminded me of the honey-hued white wine I’d drunk on the first night here.

  ‘All right, ladies, anyone got any clue how to ride one of these?’

  ‘I do,’ said Donna, and we all looked at her in surprise. Well I never. ‘Follow my lead, girls.’

  After a few practice runs, several tippings-off, a helmet swap and much cackling from all of us, we were ready to go.

  ‘Do you know where you’re going?’ asked Sebastian.

  ‘Nope,’ I replied.
‘No idea at all. We’re going to see where the road takes us. We have GPS on my phone, so we’ll find our way back before dusk.’

  ‘Make sure you do: it’s going to be a cracking dinner tonight – a proper Italian feast.’

  We were waving goodbye when I spotted Jamie heading towards the main house. He stopped and looked over, a cautious smile playing on his lips. My heart caught in my throat but I couldn’t help a smile spreading over my own face when I thought about what he’d said last night, how he’d defended me, and us. I gave him a light wave, and relief washed over him. We needed to talk – properly, not indirectly through an open window – but I felt brighter.

  We zoomed away from Bella Notte, me squealing, Laurie yelling swear words and Donna whooping with joy. The balmy breeze stroked our faces as Tuscany opened out before us, a patchwork of cypress trees, vines and medieval villages on rolling hills.

  For a while we followed dusty roads this way and that, taking whichever diversions appealed as we got to them. We came to a gradual stop near the top of a hill, where we removed our helmets, shook out our hot helmet-hair and took a seat under the shade of a tree.

  I took a deep, clean breath. I really, really loved Italy. Not just because of Jamie – I actually felt like this was home. Like if it didn’t work out with him I would still have to come back here.

  ‘I don’t want to go home,’ I said.

  ‘We sorted you out that quickly? Come on then, Donna, I guess that’s us done for the day.’

  I laughed. ‘No, I still have thinking to do; this is just one thing I’m very sure about. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Jamie, long term, but the thought of living here makes me … excited.’ The girls were quiet for a moment while I gathered my thoughts. ‘I guess if I don’t continue things with him I couldn’t live here – it would be too strange – but Italy’s a big place. It could be a bit of an adventure, you know? Living in another country for a while.’

  They nodded, and Donna started slathering on the sun cream, saying, ‘Let’s start from the beginning. So, what is it we’re helping you figure out today? And I’m not your managing director right now, I’m just your friend, even if I am on the hottest Vespa.’