Everything is Changed

by Nova Weetman

  Ellie pulls a face that I’ve seen before when she thinks someone’s out of line. ‘He was your best friend until you moved schools.’

  ‘It has nothing to do with me moving schools, Ellie.’

  ‘So why don’t you return his calls anymore?’

  Fucking Jake. If he were here, right now, I’d put my fist through his teeth.

  ‘Because,’ I say, steaming.

  ‘He told me to ask you why you guys don’t hang out anymore.’

  ‘Since when have you and Jake been friends? I thought he creeped you out,’ I say, remembering how Ellie didn’t want us to all hang out together early on.

  She shrugs and it makes me furious. ‘He’s nice. I think you should see him more.’

  ‘Leave it, El,’ I say, hoping she gets the seriousness in my voice. But if she does, then she clearly doesn’t care because she steps closer to me, this look of determination on her face, like somehow this isn’t just about me and Jake, it’s about me and her too.

  ‘So why don’t you hang out with him anymore? What’s up with that?’

  I close my eyes. This isn’t happening today. Not on her birthday. Not on the day that I’d planned for everything to be so perfect.

  ‘Let’s go to Macca’s. I’ll have a Happy Meal,’ I say, trying to be light.

  Ellie steps closer to me and I have this horrible feeling that something is circling, something I can’t stop.

  ‘He said something happened last year …’

  I swallow, feeling the sick in my throat. How do I play this?

  ‘Yeah, something happened … I met you,’ I say, stepping closer and reaching for her, wishing I could rewind to the restaurant and stay there, eating snails and frogs legs and giggling with my girlfriend about how fancy it all is. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if we were still sitting there. I would have given her the birthday present and she would be turning her head from side to side to show off the diamonds in her ears.

  Ellie steps back and I can feel the pull of where this is going. ‘He said something bad happened …’

  Right now I hate Jake Reynolds with everything I have.

  I shrug, refusing to go into this in public. ‘Yeah, I left the borough.’

  She shakes her head like I knew she would. Ellie isn’t going to be fobbed off.

  ‘It’s the reason you two aren’t friends anymore, isn’t it?’

  ‘Among other things.’

  ‘He was your best friend, Alex. Now he skips school all the time. He’s going to fail the year. I just want to help.’

  My heart is racing and I know a fight isn’t far away. ‘It’s like he matters more than I do.’

  I know it’s pathetic. I know she’s going to snap my head off, but I’m tired of Jake staining everything. But instead of biting back, she smiles at me. I don’t want her to think I’m being funny.

  ‘You jealous, Alex?’

  ‘No. I’m just …’ But I don’t know what I am. Confused. Scared. Worried. Guilty. So many things that don’t fit with this day. I don’t answer at first. I want to find the right words. ‘I really want to have a nice day, El. I’ve missed you.’ It’s as honest as I can be.

  ‘Yeah. But can you tell me what happened last year?’

  ‘Why does it matter?’

  ‘Because. Something happened and you won’t tell me about it. Jake won’t either. You know I hate secrets.’

  I’m glaring at her. How do I tell my girlfriend someone died because of us? I can’t. There’s no coming back from that.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  Ellie laughs and it’s not a good sound. ‘Well, I do.’

  I shake my head, because no matter what she says, I’m not going to spill my guts.

  ‘So you won’t tell me?’

  ‘No. It’s not about you. It happened and it’s done,’ I say, knowing how lame that sounds.

  Ellie steps really close. I can see how angry she is. ‘If you can’t tell me about it, Alex, then what are we doing together?’

  ‘This is crap, Ellie. It’s no big deal. It’s your birthday. I bought you this.’ I pull the box out of my pocket and it gets stuck and the ribbon falls off as I yank it free. I know Sass would be really disappointed if she knew the ribbon had fallen off.

  ‘I don’t want a present. I just want you to tell me what happened.’

  ‘But look,’ I say and pull the rest of the wrapping off and open the box and hold it out to her, knowing that it’s such a pathetic move to think she’ll suddenly stop asking me about last year if she sees how glittery the diamonds are.

  ‘They’re real diamonds,’ I say, hating that I sound more like my dad than ever. What’s happening to me?

  Ellie looks at the box and then at me and her blue eyes are so furious that it frightens me. ‘You’re fucking kidding me, Alex.’

  Hearing how cold her words are, a couple stare at us and I feel even more exposed, like I should just tell her what happened and be done with it. But if I do then there’s no going back. She will know what I am.

  ‘I think we should have some time apart …’ she says coolly.

  ‘What?’ I yell. I don’t mean to but I’m so shocked by what she’s saying.

  She shrugs. ‘Until you work stuff out.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But … but …’ I snap the jewellery box shut and wedge it back into my pocket, glaring at the couple who are still loitering near the shop window, pretending not to listen.

  ‘Call me when you’re ready to be honest,’ she says as she starts walking away.

  And I’m watching her leave, and I don’t know what to do to stop her because there’s nothing I can do.

  ‘Fuck,’ I say too loudly for Collins Street on a Sunday. But I don’t care, because it’s either swear or burst into tears. I can’t believe what just happened. This day that was going to be everything is now, thanks to my ex-best friend, the worst day of my life.

  jake

  I hear Ellie laugh and turn to see her reading her phone. She’s not supposed to have her phone out in the library, but that’s Ellie for you. Always bending the rules slightly. I’m trying to read Macbeth but I’ve read the same speech about ten times. Sorry, Shakespeare, you just don’t do it for me. Study period isn’t exactly my favourite time of the day, but after Mum’s big begging plea last night, I’m trying to get through a day of classes and actually do what I’m supposed to do. Besides, I quite like hanging out with Ellie. She laughs again.

  ‘Give,’ I say, causing her to look up. One of the other students tells me to shoosh, but Ellie just smiles.

  ‘Alex. He’s in the debating team.’

  I snort and hold out my hand for her phone, daring her to let me into her and Alex’s private world. She shakes her head and pockets it in the front pouch of the denim overalls she’s been wearing all week. It’s the best thing about school. Seeing what outfit Ellie will turn up in.

  ‘Aw, come on …’

  ‘Nah. It’s personal,’ she says loudly, earning us another fierce shoosh from the other table.

  ‘I can’t imagine Alex debating anything,’ I say, trying to make her tell me more about his text. I am aware of how pathetic it is, to try and steal moments from my ex-best friend’s life through his girlfriend, but what can I say? I’m desperate.

  ‘I think Alex secretly loves that place,’ says Ellie with just a little criticism in her voice.

  I look at her, watching as she pulls the hair elastics out and shakes her hair so it falls loose. I know it’ll only be a minute or two before she puts them back in again. She looks over and smiles at me.

  ‘You ever going to finish reading that?’ She nods at my copy of Macbeth.

  ‘No. I’m not.’

  ‘Come on, Jake. If you don’t, you’ll probably …’

  ‘Fail?’

  ‘No. But this is it. If you don’t start taking it seriously you’ll be stuck here forever,’ she says, as she starts retying her pon
ytails.

  ‘What, in the library?’

  ‘No. You know what I mean.’

  ‘It’s not so bad.’

  She frowns at me. ‘That’s rubbish and you know it. What happened to Science Boy? You were topping the class last year.’

  I remember. Mum’s face when she read my report. How I aced the Naplan in numeracy. How shocked everyone was that I was actually kind of smart.

  I shrug, playing down how I feel. ‘That was last year. It’s harder this year.’

  ‘Yeah, I imagine it’s much harder if you never come to class,’ she says sarcastically.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, Ellie.’

  She raises an eyebrow at me and it’s what Mum would do if we were having this discussion. It’s an ‘I know you know that’s bullshit’ kind of response. It’s exactly why I like Ellie. She doesn’t take crap from anyone.

  ‘What does Alex think?’

  I laugh at that. ‘We don’t really talk anymore … you saw how he was at the party.’

  She nods. She must know that. He must have told her. ‘I figured something had happened, but he made it sound like you didn’t want to hang around him anymore now he’s at the fancy school.’

  ‘Yeah, right!’

  She moves her chair closer and there’s a hint of something sweet, like she’s been chewing grape bubble gum and the smell has clung to her.

  ‘So why don’t you hang out? Is it because of me?’

  I shake my head, feeling sad Ellie would think that.

  ‘No. It’s because of something that happened last year …’

  Ellie’s eyes widen and I know I should shut up. So I pick up my copy of Macbeth and start reading. Ellie’s not the sort of person you can deter. She takes the book from my hand and leans in so close that I can see the spray of tiny freckles on her nose. I wonder if Alex knows how lucky he is.

  ‘Spill …’

  I shake my head.

  ‘What happened last year?’

  ‘Something bad.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  I sigh. This is not a good idea. ‘Something we did … and that’s all I’m saying, Ellie. You want to know more, ask your boyfriend.’

  She nods. ‘Fair enough. I will.’

  I groan. ‘Actually, don’t ask your boyfriend. Just forget about it. Maybe Alex and I aren’t friends anymore because he moved. I have no idea. It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘If you actually finished Macbeth, then you’d know how much it matters to stay friends with your friends …’

  ‘If you stopped interrogating me, maybe I could finish it!’

  This makes her laugh and the sound is so beautiful in the still, quiet library that I wish I could be the reason for it again and again and again.

  I do try and read it. I know she’s right. I know if I don’t at least turn up to class, read the prescribed texts and hand in my homework, then I’ll fail. I am failing. Less than a month into year ten and I’m drowning.

  ‘Have you read it?’ I whisper to Ellie.

  She pretends telling me to shoosh just so she can get in before the others do. Then she nods. Of course she has. She’s one of the smartest kids I know.

  ‘I can’t,’ I say, slapping the book down deliberately loudly.

  ‘Yes, you can. You just have to find the rhythm of the language. It’s not that hard,’ she says quietly.

  She may be right but I can’t concentrate on things like Shakespeare. I can’t even concentrate on the crime shows Mum watches so I can chat to her about them.

  ‘You aren’t going to read it, are you?’

  I shake my head. Is it that obvious? Do I have ‘loser’ written across my face? Maybe.

  ‘I’ve got cheat notes at home if you want to borrow them. It’s not the same as reading it but it might get you through an exam.’

  ‘Thanks, Ellie,’ I say, even though I know I’m not going to read the cheat notes either.

  ‘Come on, bell’s about to go. Let’s get hot chips before they sell out,’ says Ellie as she packs her stuff into her bag. I grab everything I can and shove it in my backpack, leaving Macbeth on the table. She picks it up and hands it to me. ‘You never know. You might wake up in the middle of the night with a hankering for Shakespeare.’

  ‘Yeah. And Alex might ring me back,’ I say sarcastically.

  I follow her out of the library and down the corridor to the canteen. It smells like burnt pasta already even though they haven’t served any yet. We stand against the wall, waiting for them to open up for lunch.

  ‘Do you think he’s changed?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, wishing the doors would open and I could talk about reheated chip oil instead of Alex.

  Ellie bumps against me playfully. ‘He seems sad to me. He was really late the last time I saw him. Thought he was going to stand me up. Something’s definitely wrong. Maybe he misses you.’

  I’m glad she notices it too but I don’t want to talk about this with her.

  ‘Ellie …’ I do try and warn her to back off, but she smiles and keeps going. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t understand killing someone is the reason Alex and I aren’t friends anymore, not him moving to a different school.

  ‘Why don’t you come over on the weekend and I’ll get Alex to come too. It’ll be a surprise. Like a blind friend date,’ she says, smiling at her own idea.

  I shake my head. ‘You saw what happened at the party. No way.’ My hand aches with the memory.

  ‘Chicken.’

  ‘Ellie, if only you knew just how true that is.’

  ‘It won’t be like that party. It’ll just be us. At my place,’ she says.

  ‘Nah, but thanks,’ I say.

  The bell sounds in the corridor and within seconds kids stream out towards the canteen, just as the door is unlocked and Ellie rushes in. I let her go alone. I’m not hungry anymore.

  alex

  Since changing schools, I’ve discovered I quite like science class. Maybe it’s because Jake’s not around to make me feel like it’s his thing. I especially like prac, when we get to do dissection or experiments. But today Mr Taylor is banging on and on about some theoretical construct or other and I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. Actually, I don’t even care what he’s talking about.

  Tone slips me a note and I try and read it without getting busted.

  Sk8?

  It’s all he ever wants to do. Hang out in a skate park. It’s as boring as his obsession with talking to every girl he sees, but what choice do I have? If I want to hang out with these guys, I have to be a joiner. Sometimes I wish I’d stayed at my old school, and that it was still like it used to be when Jake and I had each other’s backs, and I could do drama and art and escape my dad’s big plans for me. And maybe if I hadn’t left, Jake wouldn’t have become so stuck on what happened with the man, and he could have been the science star he was always going to be, and we could have finished high school together. Tone nudges me and I shake off the thought.

  4 a bit.

  I slide the note back and he nods like the answer wasn’t ever going to be any different. I just want to jump on the train and go and see Ellie, but the pressure is on now to hang out with the kids I’m at school with all week. My … friends. And they sort of are, but we’re not the same. Not really. Not beyond the blazers and the shorts and the tracksuits in our school colours. Not that they see it. But I do.

  The bell cuts Mr Taylor off mid-sentence and nobody waits for him to finish. We’re all scraping our books into our bags, and grabbing our friends to head out into a Friday afternoon. Tone and Charlie crowd around me as we hurry out into the corridor, like they’re worried if they don’t, I’ll disappear.

  ‘I’m coming to your party,’ yells the school captain, Jack, as we bang out through the front doors and into the summer sunshine.

  ‘Awesome,’ Charlie yells back.

  ‘Are there any chicks coming?’ says Tone, jumping off the final three stairs and into the yard.

&n
bsp; ‘I don’t know. Tell your sister to come, Tone. Bring her friends,’ Charlie says.

  ‘She hasn’t got any!’

  Laughing, Charlie pulls his skateboard out of his bag and drops it on the ground.

  ‘You’re going to get busted,’ I say, noticing the principal walking towards us.

  Charlie always tries to skate at school and he always gets busted.

  ‘Hand it over,’ the principal says, blocking Charlie’s way.

  ‘Oh, come on,’ starts Charlie, like it’s going to make any difference.

  ‘Pick it up Monday,’ the principal says as he tucks it under his arm and walks towards the gates.

  Charlie laughs and calls after him. ‘You can use it, sir. I’ve got another one. Just don’t blame me if you break your leg!’

  ‘One?’ says Tone. ‘You’ve got about ten.’

  ‘Fourteen actually,’ says Charlie, earning a punch in the arm from Tone.

  We walk out of the gates and into another afternoon. Mum doesn’t care when I come home. For some reason she thinks I’m in better company now so she never expects me to text her or tell her where I am. As if Tone and Charlie uphold perfect values. They just live in really big houses and have more skateboards than any kid could ever need.

  ‘Sevsies?’ says Charlie, like we ever go anywhere other than 7-Eleven after school. It’s the place everyone hangs out. They eye each other off. Flirt. Hook up. And, in the case of Tone at least, steal a few chocolate bars just because they can.

  ‘Yeah, but then I’ve got to go. I’ve got a date,’ I say.

  Tone gives me a look. ‘Lame. It’s Friday. We skate Friday.’

  ‘I can’t. I’m seeing Ellie,’ I say, hating how trapped I feel between the old and the new, and wishing I could just give myself over to whatever my life is now.

  ‘You can go later. But now we skate,’ says Tone. I’m not sure why I let him tell me what to do.

  I follow Tone and Charlie into the crowd of uniforms pouring out of our school. He’s right. It’s Friday. I can see Ellie later. I go to text her, but before I can, Tone grabs my arm and pulls me across the road, cars tooting wildly.