Everything is Changed

by Nova Weetman

  Maybe if I can just keep going, everything will be okay after all.

  alex

  My locker looks so small now that it’s empty. I’ve taken the lock from the front and left all the stickers and graffiti. I sort of like the idea that some part of me will live on after I’m gone. Jake has managed to avoid me for the most of the day. I know he’s feeling weird about me leaving, but I wish we could just hang out like normal for the last time.

  I know I should be moving a bit faster because class is about to start but I don’t want to. I’m pulling out all the empty chip packets shoved right down the back of the locker when Lucas whacks me on the back in a sort of affectionate way.

  ‘See ya round, Alex.’

  ‘You just broke my shoulder,’ I say.

  ‘Don’t change. We like you the way you are,’ adds Tien with a grin.

  ‘I’ll be back. And I’ll send you an invite to my sixteenth next year.’

  ‘With all the rich kids? Awesome,’ says Tien.

  ‘Strike that. I won’t bother inviting either of you.’

  Tien smiles and gives me half a hug. It feels strange having guys I’ve known since prep saying goodbye to me like I’m leaving the planet.

  ‘We’re heading to the skate park after school …’ I say to Lucas and Tien, knowing even before Tien pretends to salute me they won’t come. They never do.

  ‘Bye,’ I shout as they get swallowed up in the swarm of students already celebrating the end of year before their final classes.

  ‘You okay?’ Ellie’s peeking out from behind my locker door.

  She has her ‘smart look’ empty-frame glasses perched on her head.

  ‘Yeah. Nah. Dunno.’

  She nods. ‘It’s a funny feeling, isn’t it?’ Of course she totally gets it. She’s moved schools three times already because her dad gets posted to different places.

  ‘Yeah. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it properly, even though I knew it was coming. I just kept putting it off in my head.’

  ‘At least you aren’t moving states.’

  ‘True.’

  ‘And this way you get more holidays.’

  ‘Also true,’ I say, thinking of the extra weeks at the beginning and end of each year.

  I slam the door but it doesn’t shut. It’s never shut properly. Ellie taps the locker next to it. Jake’s locker. We’ve had adjoining lockers since we started high school.

  ‘And Jake?’

  ‘Ignoring me. No, not ignoring me. Ignoring the fact I’m leaving.’

  ‘How very Jake of him.’

  The thing is, I know why he’s ignoring it, but I can’t really explain it to Ellie. He thinks I’m leaving him here to be alone with the freeway, with what happened. He thinks that because I’m moving I’m escaping it all. It’s not true. I’ll just take it with me wherever I go, but I get why he’s feeling deserted.

  Ellie must interpret my silence as sadness because she stretches up and kisses me on the lips. Usually she’s all weird about us kissing at school. She thinks it’s bad form. So I reach for her, sliding my arms around her back and pulling her closer, until she’s leaning on me up against the bank of lockers. Then she stops and moves away.

  ‘School rules, Mr Cormack. No kissing in the corridor,’ she says with a smile.

  ‘So expel me.’

  Then Ellie grabs my hands in hers and looks serious for a second. ‘Wish you weren’t leaving.’

  ‘Yeah, it sucks.’

  ‘We’ve only just found each other.’

  ‘I’m only 19.2 kilometres down the road. You make it sound like I’m dying.’

  ‘I know, but it still sucks.’

  I like knowing Ellie doesn’t want me to leave. ‘Do you want to hang out at the skate park later?’

  Ellie pulls a face that I know means she’s about to take the piss. ‘You asking me on a date?’

  ‘Yep. I’m all class.’

  The bell goes and Ellie practically shoves me down the corridor towards English. Seems bizarre I’m even bothering to attend. As far as last days go, it’s been a pretty ordinary one. Sass’s friends were organising some sort of going-away party for her. All I get is double English and a cold meat pie.

  *

  Jake is showing off. He’s doing every trick he has, maybe so that Ellie can see how great he is. This is the first time we’ve hung out all together in the skate park and I can sense Jake is feeling strange about it. Maybe that explains why he’s behaving like a dick.

  ‘Check this one,’ he calls to us. I don’t look but Ellie does. She must realise I’m not watching him because she elbows me playfully in the side. This must be what it feels like to have a child who wants you to watch them all the time.

  ‘My turn,’ says Ellie.

  As Jake rides up out of the bowl, Ellie grabs my board.

  ‘It’s really hard, Ellie.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet,’ she says, smiling.

  Jake looks at me like he’s waiting for me to tell her not to do it. As if.

  ‘It’s not for beginners,’ says Jake.

  Ellie laughs and I want to kiss her.

  ‘I can ride a board, Jake.’

  ‘Yeah, but …’

  ‘But nothing. Just tell me what to do.’

  Jake shrugs. ‘You have to drop into the bowl …’

  ‘You mean I have to ride off the edge and into that hole over there?’

  Jake laughs and I get a twinge of jealousy. Ellie can lighten him in ways I can’t now.

  ‘Come on, I’ll show you,’ says Jake.

  ‘I’ll watch,’ I say, walking over to sit on the edge of the small bowl.

  Ellie and Jake skate around to the other side. Ellie looks right on a board. She’s a good height and she knows how to stand without looking awkward like I do. I’d never admit it to Jake, but I always feel like this big tall beast on this flimsy little plank of wood with wheels. The dimensions are all wrong.

  Ellie’s animated and chattering about something and Jake’s head is bent, trying to catch her words. Seeing them together like this makes me wonder how I’ll feel next year when they’re still here, and I’m not. Jake says something I can’t quite hear, which makes Ellie laugh. And then without waiting for him, she rides straight off the edge and drops perfectly into the bowl. Jake follows her in and shows her the basics of the trick. Their voices float up towards me in grabs.

  ‘I’ll sit out to give you room,’ says Jake, heading up to where I’m sitting. ‘I didn’t know she could skate that well,’ he says to me.

  ‘Yeah. She rides a unicycle. She has better balance than me,’ I say.

  Jake laughs. ‘That wouldn’t be hard.’

  Once I would have laughed too. Punched him lightly in the arm or dropped his board off the edge so he’d have to go get it, but now I just give him a look. But he doesn’t notice. He’s too busy watching her.

  ‘She’s amazing, Alex. She can do tricks it took me years to learn,’ he says as we watch her skate fast towards the quarter pipe.

  ‘She’s going too fast,’ I say, jumping up.

  ‘Nah, she’s right,’ he says. ‘She’s judged it perfectly.’ And she hits the bottom of the pipe, gets airborne, grabs the board as it comes down and lands neatly on the back.

  ‘El-lie!’ yells Jake as he skates towards her, like he’s going to swing her around in a circle. ‘You did it!’ Then he stops suddenly, right in the middle of the pipe, as if he’s just realised she’s not his girlfriend. Ellie is skating towards him, but before she can reach him, he turns and skates away. She looks confused and gives me a shrug. I shrug back, even though I know it’s because he likes her. I don’t want him to feel like that, like he’s trapped in the middle of us, like he doesn’t know how to be. I have to be better around him. Make him feel included.

  ‘Impressed?’ says Ellie as she skates over to me, taking me away from worrying about Jake.

  ‘Always.’

  She leans up and kisses me on the mouth. I slide my arms
around her and pull her close. But after a few seconds I notice Jake behind us, so I stop and move away. He watches us for a moment and then he jumps on his board and skates off to the other part of the park. And I feel so torn.

  jake

  I’ve waited nearly eight minutes for Alex to show. If he doesn’t hurry, we’ll be late for school. I hate not being on time. Alex doesn’t care as much as I do. Particularly now that he’s leaving. I’m just about to text him when I hear, ‘Sorry.’

  I look up and see Alex jogging down his street towards the intersection we always meet at. A piece of toast is hanging out of his mouth and he’s brandishing a banana.

  ‘Here,’ he says, handing me the banana. ‘Sass thought you might be hungry.’

  I smile at the idea.

  ‘Actually, it’s her way of bribing you because she wants you to come and watch her netball grand final tomorrow. I told her it’s unlikely because it’s at eight.’

  ‘In the morning?’ I say, horrified.

  Alex nods and swallows the last of the toast. He’s messier than usual. His hair is still wet and his shirt is stained with something that looks like spag bol.

  ‘I’ll try,’ I say.

  He shrugs. ‘Think she likes you more than me. She didn’t ask me to come.’

  ‘Yeah. Course she likes me better. I’m much more likeable.’

  ‘In your dreams, Jake.’

  We head across the road and down the hill towards school, neither of us saying anything. I know I have to ask him but I don’t want to know. But I also don’t want to leave it until school because then I’ll see them together and it will be even weirder.

  ‘So?’

  He looks across at me and raises an eyebrow. He’s going to make me ask.

  I sigh. ‘How was it?’

  He smiles and I want to head butt him in that perfect face.

  ‘Great. She’s great.’

  ‘Great,’ I say.

  ‘No really, Jake. She’s amazing. It was perfect.’

  Now it’s my turn to look at him with my eyebrow raised, but he’s staring off into the distance like he’s remembering just how perfect she is.

  ‘Except for her love of horror movies, which, as you know, is not really my thing.’

  I laugh. ‘Bet you didn’t tell her that you get terrified, though. Did you?’

  ‘Nope. I closed my eyes.’

  ‘Idiot.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t want to sound pathetic.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll tell her you hate them.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  I smile as thinly as possible. I know I never said I liked Ellie before Alex asked her out, but the thing is I’m not sure it would have made any difference even if I had. As we reach the school gates, the bell goes and without looking at each other, we start to run.

  ‘Get us a pie if you’re there first,’ I call after Alex as he heads to the portable.

  ‘Righto,’ he calls back.

  I’m in the canteen before anyone else. Our geography teacher was away so the relief teacher let us go early. Tien made some crack about it being a relief, but he and Lucas were the only people to laugh.

  ‘You right, love?’ says the canteen lady, adjusting her hair net so it doesn’t droop over one eye.

  ‘Two pies, please,’ I say, hoping I have enough money to shout Alex.

  She slides the pies into two paper bags and hands them across. I scrape out all the change I have and still don’t have enough to pay for sauce.

  Usually Alex and I meet up under the tree out the back near the basketball courts at lunchtime. I walk out of the canteen as heaps of kids start heading in. In about three minutes this place will be heaving with queues.

  Tien and Lucas are shooting hoops on the court when I walk up.

  ‘Got me a pie, Jake?’

  ‘Nah, it’s for Alex.’

  ‘You’ve been dumped for that new girl. Saw them near the library when we came through,’ says Lucas as he shoots a perfect three-pointer.

  ‘Nah, he’ll be here,’ I say, my voice sounding strange.

  I sit down under the tree to wait for my pie to cool and to watch Lucas and Tien shooting goals. Tien misses most of them but he doesn’t seem to care. I look around for Alex but he’s nowhere. I check my phone but he hasn’t texted. Suddenly I’m not hungry at all. I can’t believe I’ve been ditched already.

  ‘You guys can have these,’ I say, walking over and putting the pies on the court.

  ‘Are they stale?’

  ‘No. I’m just not hungry.’

  ‘Lovers’ tiff,’ says Lucas with a grin.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I say as I walk away. I can hear Tien laughing.

  I know I shouldn’t head round to the library, but I have to find out if he blew me off for her. As I walk past the quadrangle where all the nerdy kids hang out with their books, I see Alex and Ellie chatting in the corner. They couldn’t be any closer. Her hand is on his knee and he’s staring into her eyes and it makes me livid.

  ‘Oi,’ I say way too loudly and earning myself at least a dozen shooshing noises from around the place. I stride over to where they are sitting and drop down right next to them on the bench.

  ‘So this is where you’ve been hiding?’ I keep it light, pretending I’m not being eaten up inside.

  Alex leans forward and I can tell he’s slightly embarrassed and it makes me pleased because at least he cares enough to blush. ‘Sorry … lunch …’

  I shrug, feigning indifference. ‘Yeah, yeah, better offer … I know how it goes.’

  Ellie elbows me and I feel the warmth of her skin as it touches my bare arm. If it was anyone else he’d hooked up with, I’d be happy for him … really I would.

  ‘Join us. I’m just educating Alex on the rules of zombie films,’ she says grinning.

  ‘Give it up, Ellie. He’s not interested. He likes spinach movies,’ I say, using the label I give all the ‘boring but good for you’ films Alex makes me watch. Ellie laughs and says to Alex, ‘So the indie movie you picked wasn’t for me at all?’

  Alex throws me a look. It’s a ‘why don’t you get the hell out of here’ look. But Ellie is watching him so he lightens his voice as he answers. ‘Sprung. Thanks, Jake.’

  ‘Don’t mention it. If there’s anything else you need to know, just ask me, Ellie. I know all Alex’s deep, dark secrets.’

  Ellie laughs but I don’t join in.

  Instead, I walk off feeling weird because in all the time we’ve been at school together, Alex has never made me feel like I’m not wanted.

  So of all the places in the world I could go, I choose the science lab. I can see Mr Cap through the window. He’s reading some book at one of the desks and I knock lightly on the door. He takes ages to look up, but when he does, he gets up straightaway and walks over to unlock the door.

  ‘Jake, bit early for class …’

  ‘Yeah. I just thought maybe you had stuff that needed cleaning …’ It sounds really poxy as I say it, but it’s true. I thought if I could spend the rest of lunch washing beakers, maybe I could forget about Alex and Ellie for five minutes.

  ‘I’ve been at this school for nearly nineteen years and in all that time, not one student has ever volunteered to give up their lunchtime and clean. But I am not one to knock back a volunteer so please … come in.’

  I walk in through the door and instantly feel my shoulders drop. There’s just something about the lab that always makes me relax.

  ‘You can take your pick … washing test tubes or beakers … the year sevens are yet to be recommended for their cleaning abilities,’ says Mr Cap.

  The sinks are groaning under the weight of half-washed glass.

  ‘I’ll start with the beakers,’ I say, pulling out the rubber gloves and turning on the taps.

  Mr Cap is behind me. I know he’s watching me, wondering what I’m doing here. But he won’t ask anything because he never does.

  ‘You’ll have to act surprised when I hand back the chem tes
ts, but you topped the class …’

  I drop the beaker I’m washing but grab it just before it hits the others in the sink. I half turn my head to see if he’s serious.

  ‘Should start thinking about next year, Jake. I think science is your thing.’

  I can’t help myself. I turn back and smile into the basin of soapy water. Nobody’s ever said I had a thing before.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Okay,’ says Mr Cap.

  I keep washing, turning the sponge gently around the edge of the glass, watching as the water changes colour with all the remnants of the chemicals. The only noises in the lab are the water running as I rinse the soap from the beakers and the few voices that drift in from outside.

  ‘I always wanted to be a scientist,’ Mr Cap says, breaking through the quiet. ‘And then it didn’t really pan out that way. So I became a teacher. And I don’t mind teaching because every now and again you get a student you know will go a long way.’

  I feel the blush starting at my ears and I don’t know where to look. I force myself to turn and face Mr Cap, my hands still sunk into the soapy water.

  ‘There are some really good programs for year ten students, and I think we should sit down and go through them all, Jake. Have something to work towards. What do you think?’

  I nod, feeling my whole face burn.

  ‘Good. Now, get back to work,’ says Mr Cap with a smile, before turning back to his book.

  My hands are not moving under the water. I realise that I’m still stuck in Mr Cap’s words. Other than Mum, who is always so busy, I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about what I want to do when I finish school. Even Alex and I don’t talk about that stuff much.

  I finish washing the beakers and slide them onto the drying rack, then make a start on the test tubes. They’re harder to clean well, so I have to use this thin brush with a curved end to get right to the bottom. By the time I’ve done about fifteen, my hand hurts, but I want to finish them all before the bell. I’m still smiling just a little at the idea of science being my thing because it’s not Alex’s thing, it’s not something he’s already mastered that I’m still struggling at, like almost everything else we seem to attempt together. So this can be something separate from him, something that’s mine. And if it means coming in every day at lunch to wash beakers and test tubes, then that’s fine too. I want Mr Cap to know how serious I am about this.