Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  She doesn’t look pleased by my comment to pay, but she drops the subject. “I won’t.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Neve

  It’s taken three weeks for Blake to wear me down. Even though he said he wouldn’t interfere, he’s pestered me every other day until I got to this point: walking out of the office block Dr. Lars works in after my first session with her. I should be mad at him, but Blake’s a hard person to stay mad at. Not only is he paying for me to go private because I didn’t like anyone at the NHS, he’s also convinced me to quit my job at the fast food place on my first day back after the Christmas holiday. I wasn’t keen on the idea to begin with, but he swore he’d do it himself if I didn’t so I caved. He wants me to focus on my designs and I can’t deny I’m feeling happier because of it all. I will never admit that he was right about Dr. Lars, though. Talking to someone has lifted a large weight off my shoulders and that’s only from one session.

  I don’t know how long I’ll keep seeing her, but for now she’s helping to clear up some things on my mind. Hearing that I’m not the only person going through what I am with regards to being more introverted is a confidence boost I need. She makes me sound normal—despite being sat with a shrink.

  As I step out into the wintery sun, Blake’s leaning against the side of his car just like he said he would be. Not that I ever doubted him. He looks relaxed in his faded jeans, tight fitting T-shirt, and zip down, grey hoodie. His hands are in his pockets and he has a lazy smile on his face, his eyes closed as he faces the sun. I can’t help but stand there and admire him for a few seconds—okay, maybe a minute—wondering how I got so lucky. I still can’t understand why he hasn’t run for the hills yet—I would have in his position.

  He must feel my gaze because his head lowers and he bats his eyes at me to focus them in the changing light.

  “How was it?” he asks, opening his arms for me to walk into.

  Without hesitating, I go to him, allowing his strong grip to embrace me and crush me against his hard chest. Straining my neck, I tilt my head back and search for his lips. He knows what I want, kissing me sweetly before pulling back to open the car door. With a pout, I climb into the passenger’s side because he’s already walking around the car. He’s leaving me wanting more on purpose, the smirk makes that obvious.

  “So?” he asks again, starting the car.

  “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. She was really nice, and what she said made sense. I’m not sure about her idea to bring my mum in for a session. Nothing about that would go well, but we’ll see. I doubt Mum’s going to change, so I’d rather work on moving forward with my life than trying to fit into the one she wants for me. It’s her loss at the end of the day. At least Dr. Lars said the decision is down to me.”

  “Are you going to go back again?”

  I nod and he catches the movement from the corner of his eye. I swear he actually deflates in relief, too. It doesn’t take a genius to work out Blake has been worried about me. He hasn’t changed how he treats me thank God—not that I’d allow him to—but there’s been a small amount of tension between us since my admission.

  Looking around, I realize the road we’re travelling on is taking us in the opposite direction to home. “Uh … where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “But I hate surprises, you know that.”

  “You’ll like this one, trust me.”

  I mumble something unflattering under my breath, but I don’t mean it. Blake would never do anything to hurt me and he wouldn’t be trying to surprise me unless he was sure.

  After about half an hour in the car, Blake finally pulls into the car park in front of our favourite café. When he cuts the engine, I swivel in my seat to regard him with confusion. “This is your surprise?”

  “Yep.”

  “But we do this all the time. It’s not anything special.”

  Blake lets out a chuckle that makes my stomach somersault. “I said it was a surprise and you’d like it, not that it was special. That’s you jumping to conclusions.”

  I cross my arms and let out a huff.

  “Why are you mad? Weren’t you surprised?” His tone is jovial, seeing through my pretences.

  “Yes, it was a surprise, but—”

  “I kept my end of the bargain then.” He’s grinning at me and looking utterly gorgeous. It’s hard to stay annoyed at a face like his and he’s right, he did surprise me, just not in the way I expected.

  “You coming in, Stripes?” I don’t notice he’s out of the car until he’s leaning back in through the door. Rather than reply, I climb out and walk round to meet him. He takes my hand in his as soon as I’m by his side, his palm dwarfing mine as we head through the doors and straight over to our usual table.

  Once Blake’s ordered our drinks and returned to sit opposite me, he looks nervous. He’s focused on stirring the foam on top of his coffee rather than eyeing me, but what’s got under his skin I have no idea. For a while I hope he’ll just come out with whatever’s bugging him, but he doesn’t.

  “Okay, what’s up with you? Why have you suddenly changed?” Finally, it becomes too much for me to bear and he’s killing my mood.

  Clearing his throat, he glances up at me warily. “I may have lied when I said this was the surprise. I have something to tell you, but you have to promise me you won’t get mad first.”

  I’m suspicious instantly, my heart rate increasing in fear and my palms becoming sweaty. “What did you do?” I try to read him, studying him curiously.

  “Promise?”

  “No.”

  “I’m not telling you then.” He laughs as my face falls, but it’s not the rich sound like in the car; he’s hesitant and guarded.

  “Hey! You can’t do that. What is it?”

  “Promise you won’t be mad at me and I’ll tell you.”

  I puff out my cheeks, considering his words, then blow out a breath and say, “Fine, I promise, but for future reference, starting off a sentence with don’t get mad will most likely have the opposite effect. Now tell me.”

  “All right.” He pauses and takes a sip of his drink. Regardless of the nerves, he’s still getting a kick out of leaving me in suspense. I can see it shining in his eyes. “I may have sent off some queries to a few indie publishers about your cover designs to see if they were interested in working with you. Two came back to me loving your work and want to talk to you about hiring you on a trial basis.”

  “I’m sorry … what?” I choke out, the words not making sense in my mind. “Why?”

  “Why wouldn’t they work with you? You’re amazing.”

  “No. Why would you do that?”

  Blake shrugs, appearing even more uneasy. “You mentioned it and I thought it would be a nice surprise. You’ve had a lot to deal with and I wanted to help. I’m sorry, I know you like to do things by yourself, but I saw you were anxious about the next step.”

  “I’m not mad, Blake. I’m just shocked. Two publishers really want to work with me?”

  He nods, his face relaxing and morphing into a weak smile.

  “Oh my God!” I almost knock the table over when I throw myself at him, wrapping him in an excited hug. My lips find his but I can’t stop laughing. Pulling away, I place kisses all over his face in between giggles, which makes him join in.

  Finally, when I return to my seat, I’m beaming and the happiness pouring off me. This is what I need. It’s the next step. “Thank you. Seriously, you didn’t have to do that for me, but thank you.”

  “There’s no need to thank me, Stripes. I’d do anything for you.”

  * * *

  It turns out that Blake did quite a bit of research into the publishers he contacted because when he shows me the emails from them, I recognise one as one of the biggest indie publishers out there. A surreal feeling snakes its way through my veins, almost as if I’m dreaming and this will all be taken away from me in the morning. I keep re-reading the emails over and
over again, sure that the words are going to change into a no at some point.

  All the while Blake’s stands by my shoulder, offering silent support, and it means a lot that he’s done all of this for me. Therefore, before I can chicken out, I compose an email to them both and hit send. As soon as the message disappears into cyberspace, I slam the lid of my laptop down, not wanting to hit refresh every second to check for a reply.

  I spin round on the chair to face Blake. My head is level with his stomach, and winding my arms around his hips, I pull him to me. I nuzzle into him, breathing in the scent of his cologne. Kissing him through his shirt I then rest my chin against his stomach so I’m staring up at his face. My fingers trace the waistband of his jeans, causing his eyes to cloud with desire, and his expression to become hungry. The intensity actually makes me lose my train of thought and I struggle to swallow.

  “I love you,” I say. It wasn’t what I was intending, but it’s all that will come out. Almost as soon as the words leave my lips, Blake’s got me out of the chair. He picks me up, so my legs are wrapped around his waist and my face is level with his, throwing me around like I weigh nothing.

  He doesn’t say it back, but crushes his lips to mine passionately. His tongue works its way into my mouth, exploring me as it sweeps over my lips. When he goes to part, I draw his bottom lip between my teeth, dragging a moan of approval from him.

  Walking us over towards his bed, he lowers me down on to my back gently before crawling on to hold himself over me. Not once does he break our kiss. His hands roam over my body, his touch sending jolts of electricity through my veins to start a fire within me. When he dips his hand under my shirt and moves towards the top of my jeans I squirm beneath his fingers. Wriggling only makes him pursue his target even more, though, and I whimper into his mouth when his hand trails below the waistband.

  Instinctively, my hands move lower down his body until I’m rubbing him through his jeans, feeling his hard length beneath my hand. My actions must shock him because he stops what he’s doing, breaks our kiss, and gasps. His head tilts back as he lets out a ragged hiss through his teeth, his eyes shut in pleasure.

  I like that I have so much power over him … that I can cause such a reaction from one simple touch.

  “God, I love you, Neve,” he says, his voice deep and raspy when he brings his mouth back to mine, grinding himself against my hand.

  “I love you, too.” I speak into his neck, inhaling his spicy scent. His hands work my shirt up over my head before returning to my jeans which quickly follow suit. Both items hit the floor, and then Blake sits back. He admires me with a gaze so heated it causes an extreme blush to break out on my cheeks and my body to squirm in anticipation.

  When I move to cover my eyes, Blake’s above me again, holding my wrists loosely and pinning them above my head.

  “Don’t be embarrassed. You’re gorgeous.” He kisses his way down my neck, his eyes never leaving mine, and despite the pleasure flowing through me at his touch, all I can think about is that he’s still fully clothed.

  I tug on his T-shirt, trying to give him a hint. It draws a smirk from him, and once he’s kicked off his clothes he returns to placing scorching kisses all over my body while only dressed in his black Calvin Klein boxers.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Neve

  “Do you think I’m making a mistake doing this?” I ask Blake when he steps out of the shower. His hair is dripping wet, leaving trails of water running down his bare chest to the towel wrapped loosely around his waist. By the look on his face he’s weighing up his honest answer and the one he knows I want to hear. “Be honest. Dr. Lars thinks it’s the right thing, but I’m starting to doubt her.”

  I’ve been seeing Dr. Lars every other day for the last few weeks, and somehow—I’m still not sure how—she’s persuaded me to invite my mother into a session. She thinks getting all of my anger out at her and discussing things in a controlled environment will help me. What she doesn’t know is it’s not the environment that’s the problem. Mum just doesn’t do calm and reasonable when it comes to me. Of course I’ve voiced these concerns, but Dr. Lars has assured me it will be okay.

  Now the day—doomsday day I’m calling it—has arrived, I’m starting to panic. Why I ever agreed to this is beyond me. How can this be the right thing to do when I’ve only just started moving forward? Surely talking with Mum is going to hinder my progress and send me straight back to square one of having to pick myself up again. Nothing good can come of this. It was a ridiculous idea, and I’m rapidly talking myself into cancelling.

  Maybe she won’t care enough to even show up, I think as I await Blake’s response.

  “It’s up to you, Neve. Only you know whether or not you can handle it.”

  “Helpful …” I mutter sarcastically, pulling on a jacket over my T-shirt and then attaching my charm bracelet watch to my wrist.

  “I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s all I can offer. She’s your mum, and only you can decide whether you want her in your life.”

  “What would you do if you were me?” I’m pulling on my shoes, tying the laces without looking because I’m focused on Blake. He drags a towel over his head, a few droplets causing damp splodges to form on his navy shirt now that he’s fully dressed. He watches me, the dilemma clear in his eyes. “You can say it. I can take whatever it is.”

  “I don’t want to sway your opinion. This is your decision to make, not mine.”

  “Just tell me, Blake,” I say, rising from the bed.

  With a frustrated sigh, he begins to speak. “Honestly, I don’t care if you never see her again. She’s caused you a lot of pain and I hate seeing you like that. In my opinion, she lost the right to a relationship with you a long time ago. You’ve been doing so well and I can’t watch you go back to being unhappy because of this.”

  “I know, that’s what’s got me worried.” I walk into his outstretched arms.

  “I don’t think Dr. Lars would have suggested it if she didn’t think it would be good for you. I know deep down you want a relationship with your mum and that you hate feeling like you’re not what she wants. Maybe she’s right and this will help you lay some foundations. If it doesn’t work, at least you can really say you did everything possible and it’s not you. Maybe it’ll just give you closure, I don’t know.”

  He’s trying hard to balance his argument, and he’s basically repeating everything I’ve already thought of. However, to hear it from someone else helps.

  It clarifies things.

  It shows that I’m not alone and I’m not wrong.

  “I’ll support you either way, Stripes. Just let me know what you want to do.”

  All of the positives and negatives race through my mind, but in the end I need that finality … to be able to say that I did everything I could. Pulling away from Blake, I grab my bag. He’s right. I do want a relationship if it’s possible.

  “Let’s go. I can always leave if it doesn’t seem to be working in the end. I know I don’t have to deal with her shit anymore, and I’m not going to let her put me down. Anyway, I’ve proved her wrong, haven’t I? Well, with your help.” My cheeks blush as I take credit for what Blake did with the publishers.

  He strolls over to me, dropping a kiss on my forehead. “It’s all you, Neve. You made the designs and without those I wouldn’t have been able to query anyone. You can take all the credit you want, you deserve it.”

  I nod, but in my heart I know I never will, just the thought makes me feel guilty, but whatever keeps him happy.

  “Shall we go?”

  “If we must,” I sigh, sounding less than enthusiastic at the thought even though I’m the one who agreed to it.

  Blake casts me a sceptical glance and I pull up my smile, trying to appear more pleased than I am. In fact, it’s not really a hard task because things have been getting better by the day. I don’t feel so alone, I’m coping with my personality and society’s views better, and being out from und
er my mum’s thumb has helped enormously. Actually, telling her what I really thought and being able to offload on to a neutral party has all been good for me. It’s lifted the weight I’ve been carrying around for years, and although I haven’t changed as a person, I feel different.

  For once I feel free.

  * * *

  “Maybe she’s decided not to come,” I say to Dr. Lars. We’re ten minutes into our session and Mum still hasn’t arrived. Blake dropped me off with the promise to leave work early so he can pick me up, and since then I’ve been sitting in this uncomfortable chair that reminds me of something you’d find in a head teacher’s office. Maybe it’s my nerves making me fidgety.

  “She will, you’ll see.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I’ve seen this type of situation numerous times, Neve. You watch, it may take a while, but she’ll be here. She’s probably questioning whether this is the right thing to do. If you came to the conclusion it’s okay, then she will, too.”

  “Sorry, but I’m not going to hold my breath on that one. And I’m starting to doubt this idea even more than when you brought it up. Clearly, she doesn’t care about me so we’re just wasting time.”

  “Give her time. Your problems aren’t going to go away the second she walks in that door; you need to talk things out. This is probably hard for her.”

  “And it’s easy for me?” I snort indignantly, knowing my anger is misplaced, but the longer I sit here, the antsier I’m becoming. I’ve already wedged my hands beneath my legs to stop them twitching, but all it’s doing is causing the nervous energy to transfer to my leg so it bobs up and down frantically.

  “I didn’t say that, Neve. Of course this isn’t going to be easy for you, but hopefully it will be worth it.”

  “Yeah right …” I murmur and glance up at the clock with a sigh. I watch the minutes tick by, listening to each second. Dr. Lars leaves me to it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve felt at ease with her; she’s let me reveal things in my own time. She’s not pushy like I thought she’d be, and for that I respect her.