The Crown Is Mine

by Berlinda Wall

  "Wonky eye?" I asked.

  "When your eyes don't match and it looks like one eye is lower than the other."

  I don't know how women do this every day. It felt like I had been sitting here for hours, but only forty-five minutes had gone by. At least “The Package” kept the drinks flowing.

  "Smile," she said. "Like you mean it."

  I smiled and held it like one of the contestants from Miss America, but the difference was I didn't have Vaseline on my lips to make it easier to hold that face. Marjorie took the candy-red lipstick and started to fill in my lips. It really gave me a lot of color.

  The final touches were blush to bring out my cheekbones and more powder to tone down the glare from the base makeup. I really did make a pretty woman.

  With makeup done, it was time to slip into my red satin dress, which was going to be my sign-up dress and walk-around dress. I felt it showed off my sexy calves. And the cherry on top was a long red wig with tight spiral curls we found at the costume store. The lady behind the counter was nice enough to style it before we left the store and she pinned it to the wig head I purchased. The other wigs were brunette and blond since I really didn't know in which direction I wanted to go yet. They were styled and also pinned to the wig heads. No one told me how expensive drag can get.

  I slipped on the pair of heels that were four inches high to complete the look. I had spent a lot of time practicing vacuuming the floors with them on so I didn't land on my face. That would not have been a pretty look to become drag queen road kill during my first performance.

  I looked at my drag bags, which were all neatly packed by “The Package” and ready by the door. It was time to introduce Desiree to the world.

  CHAPTER 17

  I was the first to arrive in the club room. The only person there was the queen with the clipboard. He came up and introduced himself, "I'm Marni the club manager. You here to sign up for the contest?"

  "Yes, I'm Tyler, but you can call me Desiree.”

  "It’s a pleasure to meet you. Please fill out this form, and you can put all your things in the dressing room. We are expecting more people, so go grab a drink from the bar while we’re waiting." He then pointed to the corner bar where Alfred was waiting to serve cocktails.

  I could use some strength, so a screwdriver sounded good. I went to the bar, but it wasn't till I got right up on Alfred that I realized how handsome he was. I was feeling nervous being here and the first words out of my mouth were, "You're beautiful."

  "Thanks," he replied. He was five foot ten, with blond blonde hair and the body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Just so dreamy. "What can I get you?"

  I laughed like a little school girl and then said, "Your phone number and a screwdriver."

  "I can get you the drink, but I've got a boyfriend who doesn't appreciate strange men calling me. Thank you for asking, though. I always take that as the best compliment I can get," he said and handed me my cocktail.

  I'm sure I was a bright shade of red as I got my cocktail and grabbed a chair at one of the high-top tables. It was the perfect vantage point to watch everyone else strut in. and strut they did.

  The next to arrive was a diva bitch and her crew. Those are the only words to describe a raven-haired, tall, thin bitch with long legs and the fiercest face I've ever seen. Her crew carried her bags because she seemed too busy to be bothered, and then they brushed off her chair and she slid into place. Marni strolled over to her and gave her the entry form. "Good afternoon, Athena. Please fill this out," as he dropped it on the table. You could tell there was no love lost there.

  A small Chihuahua walked in wearing a pink tutu and dragging a very thin drag queen in a baggy sequined dress. The dog pulled her to a table where she flopped down and finally caught her breath. A minute later, the little dog vomited onto the floor.

  "Like mama like daughter," Athena said.

  "Athena, play nice. The competition hasn't even started," Marni said.

  "Yes, m’amm," Athena replied.

  "Ladies, I'm Desiree. It is a pleasure to meet you," I said.

  They both looked at me like I had cum dripping out of my hair and turned away.

  A country girl came strolling in. She looked like a cross between Patsy Cline and Mae West. All big-bosomed, cowboy hat, and cowgirl fringe. She took her application and grabbed a seat at the corner bar. She pulled her six shooter from her belt and practiced shooting it into the air.

  A rather perky-breasted drag queen in her own version of the wonder woman outfit came in next. She was all stars and stripes in her spandex with white boots and headband. She, too, took her application and grabbed a spot at one of the high-top tables.

  The next drag queen to sashay in was a petite thing with an impeccable look from head to toe. She looked to be all business.

  The final queen to enter was a rather voluptuous, tall, black drag queen who had a lot of bounce and a great afro wig. "Hey girls," she said to everyone. "It's time to get it on."

  "For those who don't know me, I am Marni the club manager. I have a degree in theater and dance, so if you need advice, do not hesitate to ask. Now that we're all here why don't you each introduce yourselves and then we can go over the rules of the competition."

  Athena immediately jumped up and started to speak, "My name is Athena Parthenos, and I am prepared for battle. I intend on winning this competition so you all better be ready for a good fight. Thank you." And with that, she sat down.

  That was hard to follow, but I stood up and introduced myself. "Hi, I'm Desiree, and I will be taking home the crown, and I will be working to raise funds for my charity of choice, Atlanta Street Rescue. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone."

  Athena again stood up, "And I'll be working to raise funds for the Gay and Lesbian Center. I don't know why the lesbians need a center, but it is what it is." She then looked at me, "And what is your last name? You have to have a last name. You're not Cher, bitch, and the only head that crown is going to rest on is mine. I'm telling you all that now so don't expect to win."

  "I don't have a last name," I said.

  "Well you better get one," Athena said.

  Next up was the country girl. "I'm Miranda Lambadingdong, and I'll be raising funds for Hope Pantry. I do county music so I hope y'all don't invade my territory

  The very thin drag queen stood up and introduced herself. "Hi I'm Ana Mia Drunkorexia, and my little pooch is Natasha. I'm looking forward to raising funds for Camp Hypoglycemic, a fat camp for overweight children. It is very near and dear to my heart since I used to be a camper there." She then collapsed back into her seat and tried to catch her breath. I don't know if it was her make up, but she was awfully pale.

  "I'm Mary Jane Bazooka,” the Wonder Woman said, “And now that pot is becoming more legal, I'm here to spread the word on its medical uses. Think of me as the Marijuana Avenger, and I will be raising funds for the Atlanta Cancer Initiative. My mom passed away from breast cancer, and thank god for Mary Jane because that was the only thing that made her feel better most of her chemo nights.”

  Next up was the business-looking drag queen, "I am here to prove a point that I should be the first Club Cabaret Queen. I'm Dixie Monroe. With that crown on my head I will stand head and shoulders above the rest of you.”

  "Isn't that the shampoo you use on your wigs?" Athena asked.

  "My dear ex friend, it is better than the flea and tick shampoo you use on a regular basis. I think it’s A-200, if I'm correct?" Dixie said.

  "Why you little bitch!" Athena screamed as she rose from her chair. "I'm going to pull that nappy rug off your head you call a wig!”

  Marni slammed the clipboard on the floor. "Ladies, none of this. The competition hasn't even started. Please sit down," Marni said as he regained control of the room.

  And last, but not least, the tall drag queen in the afro stood up. "Don't worry, everyone, because I will beat you all. I'm Precious Oil, and I'm hear to tell you black don't crack, so you can all
kiss my big, round ass as I stomp you in this competition. Oh, and I'm raising funds for Stroke Aid." With that, she strutted for a second and then graciously sat back down.

  "Alright," Marni said. "Now that we have all been introduced, I want to tell you the rules of the competition. The first Miss Club Cabaret will be the contestant who raises the most money for their charity over the next nine months. Rule one is at the end of each event, all of the collected money must be turned into me to be counted and added to your tally. Rule two is that at each of your events, you cannot ban any other contestant from attending the event. They do not have the right to perform at the event, but they can attend. Rule three is that you must host two shows a month here in the Club Cabaret Room. This way you can become more familiar with our patrons and they can become more familiar with you. We really are a family here, and our owner, Mr. Winston, is a big proponent of giving back so that is why we have started this contest. The regular cast members are more than happy to help you out at your shows, so please ask. They are a good group, and they will be performing with you tonight. Those are the three basic rules. You can raise funds anyway you want, but please remember to keep in mind that all of this is being done for your charities, so keep it fun. Let's have a good show tonight. The doors open in two hours so get ready."

  One screwdriver down, but my courage was still not there. Time to see Alfred again.

  CHAPTER 18

  As the patrons strolled in, the contestants worked the room introducing themselves to the clientele. Some of the girls had a lot of friends in the audience so they were very comfortable schmoozing around. Luckily, Marjorie and the boys were there to support me. I quickly slid over to them from the dressing room and grabbed a chair.

  "I'm so nervous I feel like I could wet myself," I said.

  "You will do great," Albert said. "By the way, is Miss Gigi back there?"

  "Yes, she came in the back door about a half hour ago, but she's in boy's clothing. She had a family event out of town and just got back," I said.

  "Are you ready to run rabbit?" Chas asked.

  "No, I'm a big boy, and I can deal with this," Albert replied.

  "I hope they start this on time. I hate drag time," Paul said.

  "Let's go back and touch you up a little. You're a little shiny," Marjorie said. "Plus, time to get you into your first performance outfit."

  So Marjorie and I slipped behind the curtain and into the dressing room.

  "Desiree, I need your music," Marni said as he had labels ready to mark out music.

  "Here you go. This is my first song and this is the second one."

  "The show order is posted on the wall, so please check where your numbers are," Marni said and grabbed his headset to listen to someone. "Gotta go. Ice emergency up front." And with that, he was off.

  Marjorie turned to me. "I'm so proud of you. It is so great of you to help other people out."

  "It feels good," I said.

  "People only do charity stuff to make themselves feel better," Miss Gigi said. "They don't do it to help anyone out. They only do it to fulfill their inner need to be liked."

  "That's a little cynical," Marjorie said.

  "I may never meet anyone who directly benefits from what I do, but I hope it makes their lives a little easier," I said.

  "How altruistic," Miss Gigi replied.

  "Isn't there someone you should be stalking?" Marjorie asked.

  "Why? Is Albert here?" she asked.

  "Yes, he's sitting right out front," Marjorie responded. Miss Gigi left the dressing room. "Sometimes she is just off her rocker, and don't ever tell Albert I sicked her on him. Otherwise you will find all your underwear in the freezer."

  "I promise I won't."

  "Come on over to the mirror so I can apply a little more powder." Marjorie pulled out a very round powder puff and dabbed it into the container. She then gently blotted my face, making sure I no longer glistened. It was heartwarming to have her here.

  "Girls, the show starts in ten minutes. Make sure you are ready when it's time for your number," Marni said. "They will start the number whether you are ready or not, and I don't like any dead stage time."

  "So where are you in the show?" Marjorie asked.

  "I'm sixth, so we have some time," I said.

  "Which outfit are we changing you into?" she asked.

  "This one," I held up the 60's vintage outfit.

  "And what number are you doing to this?”

  "Big Boned Gal by k.d. lang.”

  Miss Miranda screamed out, "Who's doing country? I said that is my wheelhouse."

  "I'm sorry. I've already got this one prepared," I said.

  "I suggest you change it."

  "And I suggest you back your fat ass up, and get out of her face," Marjorie said. She was never one to back down from anything. "Before I snatch that cowgirl fringe of yours and make you eat it. Imagine that coming out of your asshole where you have to wrap it in toilet paper and pull it out just like a big, long tapeworm."

  Miss Miranda retreated back to her dressing station and never looked at me again the rest of the night.

  "Thank you, my darling," I said and gave Marjorie a big hug.

  We slipped off my red satin dress and put on my sixties outfit.

  The show started with the overture of some big-band-sounding music for three minutes followed by the introduction of the hostess Miss Kit-N Kaboodle. She strode onto the stage to a thunderous round of applause and killed her opening number, Britney Spears’ "Work Bitch." She was extremely well-liked because she was personable and very quick on her feet. She was one of the most naturally funny people that I had ever met and that's why she was a great hostess. She danced her ass off and the tips came down like rain for her. It was amazing that when she grabbed the mic and started speaking, she had already regained her composure.

  "It's a little hot in this trailer," she said. "And welcome to the first Miss Club Cabaret competition. This is the brainchild for our owner, Mr. Winston. I know he's here somewhere. Let's all give it up for him." Mr. Winston stood up from his table in the back and waved to everyone. "Now remember, Miss Club Cabaret will be the contestant who raises the most money for their charity, so that means give generously. Now welcome to the stage our first contestant, Athena Parthenos.”

  Athena took the stage doing Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You." The crowd loved her in her leather from head to toe and her friends were lined up to give her money. By the time she was done, she had racked up quite a bit of money. I couldn't watch from the wing anymore and went back into the dressing room.

  I looked around the dressing room and all the other contestants seemed so calm and collected. I could feel my anxiety build up as it got closer to my number, and it must have showed on my face because Kit-N stopped by while one of the other girls was on stage. "Honey, you look like you are about to crap your pants," she said.

  "Performance anxiety," I said. "This is my first time on stage, and I'm terrified."

  "You need to relax, baby doll. These are all people here who just want to have a good time, and if you raise some money, even better. Remember to enjoy your song. If you believe in it, so will they," she finished. "I've got to get back out there."

  It made sense. I liked my songs and I had rehearsed my ass off. Why should I be afraid? So I went to the wing and waited for my name to be called. My chest was pounding and it was hard to catch my breath.

  Athena came off the stage and stopped dead in front of me. She pointed to the stage. "That is how it is done, bitch." Then she dumped her tips on my head. "Make it rain. Make it rain," she said and marched over to her dressing station.

  That was very cold, and it made me even more tense.

  "Athena, you can't keep treating everyone like shit, you dried out slut," Dixie Monroe chimed in.

  "All you ever do is ride my dress train. It's time you realized you will never be anything but someone's lacky," Athena shot back at Dixie.

  "Knock it off," Ana M
ia piped up, "You're disturbing Natasha. She's not very well." The dog hopped out of her tiny pink basket and vomited on the floor again.

  "Marni, clean up on aisle 4," Athena exclaimed.

  "Times are different, cunty. You can't walk over me anymore. I plan on crushing you in this competition," Dixie responded.

  My worst fear was coming true right before my eyes as this was turning into one big cat fight.

  Finally, my moment came. "Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage Miss Desiree," Kit-N shouted into the mic.

  With that, the music started and I headed onto the stage. The spotlight blinded me, but I could still hear the people clapping. I felt the beat of the music and I started moving my mouth to the words. They came naturally, which felt great, and I started moving around a little bit even thought I still felt a little unsteady on my heels. After my eyes adjusted, I could see the crowd a little better, and they were just sitting there. They weren't coming up to tip me. The whole purpose of doing this was to raise money for my charity, and they were not moving. I didn't feel any love coming back my way like the other entertainers got, and my confidence was crushed. Keep moving and lip-syncing was all I could do. Just get through this. The boys and Marjorie came up and tipped which gave me some drive again. Finally an audience member I didn't know came up and tipped me five dollars. I believe it was a pity tip, as I think he felt bad for me. The number ended, and there was a polite round of clapping. I quickly raced backstage and collapsed onto my dressing room chair.

  I felt awful and yet I had a second number to do. Marjorie came back all glowing. "You were great! How did it feel for your first time?" she asked.

  "Terrible. I felt like people couldn't wait for me to be over."