The Crown Is Mine

by Berlinda Wall

  I texted back, "Be right there."

  Biff lived in a concierge building where you had to be buzzed into the parking area and then buzzed into the front door. I felt like I was going to be stripped searched every time I went in there. I swear, the concierge looked down on me like I was a piece of white trash that happened to be blown into the lobby by the prevailing winds.

  I pushed the button to get into the parking gate. "Welcome to the Belmont. How may I help you?" came the voice of the concierge through the call box.

  "I'm here to see Biff Davis," I said.

  "I will see if Mr. Davis is taking visitors. Please wait," the concierge said.

  It felt like an eternity every time he did this. "Mr. Davis will see you. Please pull your car into the parking area and take a visitor spot." With that, the gate opened and the guard arm went up. I drove up the drive and headed to the visitor parking area. The residents parked underneath the building in their reserved spaces and their entry was gate controlled, but each owner had a clicker to open their gate.

  I parked and walked over to the building call box and pushed the concierge numbers. "Welcome to the Belmont. How may I help you?"

  "Tyler to see Mr. Davis." With that, the buzzer sounded and the door lock opened. I pushed open the heavy wood door with the stained-glass inserts and headed into the lobby. I already could feel the stare coming at me from the concierge desk. "Oh, it’s you again," he said. "Please fill out the guest registry. Will I have to get the parking lot cleaned again where your car dripped oil all over last time you were here?"

  "No. For your information, I had that problem taken care of," I responded.

  "Glad to hear it. Let me call Mr. Davis and let him know you are here." And with that he called Biff again. "Very good, sir, I will send him up. You may go up, Mr. Tyler. Please use the second elevator." He acted as if I was being released from jail.

  I pushed the twenty-fifth floor button and the door closed and I was zipping on my way to a confrontation. I should have quit while I was ahead and left. The elevator slowed down as my ears popped going up this far in the tower. The door opened and Biff’s penthouse was down the hall on the left. I felt like my feet were stuck in mud as I trudged down the hall and approached the door. I gathered up the courage and finally knocked on the door. Biff was there immediately to open it up.

  "Why come in, Tyler. It is so good to see you," he said. He was too happy. I wondered if he had run over a small child that morning. Kit was already there waiting for me as well and he looked a little chipper himself.

  "Can I get you something to drink?" Biff asked.

  "No, I'm fine, but thanks for asking. Why was I summoned here?" I had to ask. I wanted to know what the crime was and what the punishment would be so that I could get out of here and get back to my normal life.

  "Why are you in such a rush?" Kit asked.

  "I've got things I need to get done today," I said.

  "Well according to your calendar, there is nothing you have to get done today," Kit said. I had forgotten that they had an itinerary of my work and my planned events so that they could plan other things for me to do.

  "Well the reason we called you here is to let you know that we did hear from the ‘Guys As Dolls Show.’ This letter arrived this morning, and we wanted to share the news with you as soon as we heard."

  "That's excellent," I said. At least now I knew why they called me over. My heart was racing because I could use some good news today after the disaster of last night.

  "Let me pull it out and read it to you," Biff said.

  "Dear Desiree, Thank you for your submission video. As you know, we receive hundreds of videos from worthy performers across the country who are competing for one of the ten audience choice competition slots. After the talent committee previewed your video, it was decided that you did not make it into our audience choice category. We appreciate your submission and hope you audition in the future. Sincerely, Shandi Reommelle."

  "Isn't that just fabulous news?" Kit said.

  "After that debacle last night, this is just the best thing that could happen," Biff said.

  "How can you say that this is the best thing that can happen? This is horrible," I said.

  "Horrible for you, but wonderful for us," Kit said. "What it means is that we don't have to ever deal with you again."

  "Your rising star has now turned into a falling star and we are done with you," Biff said. "Now turn your little tail around and walk your tiny non-star ass out our door."

  "How can you be so mean?" I asked. "All I ever did was do what you told me to do."

  "Well obviously what you did wasn't right," Kit said. "Now it's time to fly away, little rotten cocoon."

  "And do not darken our door again," Biff said. "Shoo, fly, shoo."

  I felt the anger well up in my body. I kept telling myself not to say it, but it just came out. "You two are the most pompous ass fucks I have ever met in my entire life. The only reason people kiss your ass is because you have money. If you were broke you would be too fat fucks who would have to be turning tricks in a dark hallway sucking people's dicks off through the glory hole because no one would ever touch your shriveled up sacks in a million years."

  Biff took about one second to reply. "Look, you little white trash hillbilly, all our friends have money and so do we. You are nothing but a little blip on our road map that was a bad detour. I will walk out my condo door, hop in my Mercedes, and head to the club where I will have cocktails that you can't afford to purchase with my friends at the bar. You, on the other hand, will return to your little hovel where you will fade into total anonymity eating your ramen noodles and mac and cheese. Once you walk out that door, I will never think about you again."

  "That's where you are wrong," I said. "Not only will I win the competition, but I'm going to make you eat your words."

  I walked out and slammed the door. I headed down the hall and pushed the elevator button. I couldn't wait for it to get here because now I could truly relax. I was free from the evil queens.

  CHAPTER 63

  The next event I had to make an appearance at was the Channeling Funds For A Change Campaign's annual bowling fundraiser. I had never bowled, so I was going to be there to mingle with the crowd and help keep them entertained. It would be fun and there were always a bunch of hot men there with money. Maybe I could get some of them to support me since the evil queen train was over.

  The bowling alley was in Midtown, so it wasn't a far drive from the apartment. Germaine had other things to do that day so I was on my own. The organizer was a man named Chet, with whom I had only spoken on the phone. He wanted me there an hour early so that I could help check people in. Each participant paid $50 to bowl three games and they got their shoe rental included. From what he told me the event was sold out, so it should be a good crowd.

  I arrived the hour early and the folks at the counter directed me to Chet. He was probably in his late forties with some grayish, thinning hair and glasses, and he had the best smile. He made me feel very welcomed.

  "Hello, Desiree! I am so glad that you could join us today. I'm going to have you help with the check in. You will be sitting at this table. Everyone is in alphabetical order by last name. When they get here, all you need to do is have them sign next to their name. Very easy peasy," he said. "And if you get thirsty or hungry, we have drinks and a buffet set up in the game room. And please feel free to mingle among the participants. I'm sure they would love to meet you.”

  That was very nice. I rambled over to the game room and saw that they had a bar set up with a very cute bartender waiting to be helpful. There was also a buffet, but not your normal bowling food buffet. Where were the hot dogs, pizza, chips, dips, and chicken wings? Instead, it was a spread of kale salad, salmon, pot stickers, and fancy finger sandwiches that looked like they had cucumbers in them. This didn't say bowling alley, but I guess they knew their crowd.

  I moseyed up to the bar and ordered a screwdriver.

 
; "My pleasure, my dear. Any preference on vodka?" he asked.

  "Whatever you think will be great. I'm Desiree," I said as I stuck out my hand to shake his.

  "I'm Wallace. It is a pleasure meeting you," he said as he took my hand and kissed it.

  What a gentleman! If this is any indication of how the day was going to go, I was in heaven.

  So it came time to check everyone in, and I was positioned in the middle of two other CFFACC volunteers who seemed to know a bunch of the people. It seemed like there were a lot of people who had booked groups of their friends to bowl with, so after they checked in, they strolled over to their assigned lanes. You could see them hug and kiss as someone new arrived. I liked to people watch. I didn't recognize any of these people who were here. I went to a lot of events, but I didn’t know where these people were from because they were never at the other fundraisers. It was very odd. Where were my people?

  Finally, some of the club folks came into bowl because the club was a sponsor of the event. I didn't know what being a sponsor for the event entailed, but two of the bartenders and two of the bar backs came out to bowl. It was nice to see a friendly face and get hugged.

  Once check in was complete, the DJ fired up the music, turning the bowling alley into a huge night club. The only thing missing was a fog machine. The boys and girls were running back and forth to the bar and the buffet and everyone was in a very festive mood. One of my other responsibilities, it turned out, was to announce the winner of the door prize drawing, which they were doing every fifteen minutes. They must have gotten a lot of sponsors because they had a slew of door prizes, including everything from haircuts, tanning sessions, restaurant gift cards, and bar tabs. I wish I could have been in the drawings because I could have used some of these prizes.

  So between drawings, I introduced myself to the different bowlers and let them know about my charity. The first pair of lanes was made up of all beautiful men who were in their mid-thirties and looked like clones of one another. They all had short hair that made them look like they went to the same hair salon on the same day and wore matching pink t-shirts with the slogan "If You Can Read This You Are Too Close" and blue jeans.

  "Hello gentlemen, my name is Desiree, and I'm volunteering here today. I hope you are all having a great time so far."

  You would have thought I had just opened up my panties and took a shit on the floor from the looks I got back from them. I swear they all managed to stare at me at once and then immediately turned their backs on me. It got extremely cold in here.

  "Well, have a good one," I said as I headed to the next pair of lanes. This one was full of lesbians who ranged from a lipstick to a truck driver. The reception here was a little better, with one of the women donating $20 to my charity. It was nice to be acknowledged by them. We don't get a lot of lesbians at our drag shows so it was a great chance to spread the word to them about my charity.

  Chet came over and tapped me on the shoulder. It was time to do one of the door prize drawings, so he handed me the microphone. "Hey everyone! It’s time to pull out your door prize tickets for our first drawing of the day! This one is a $100 bar tab to The Forrest," I said. Chet then raised the bucket up with the tickets for me to pull out a winner. I dug deep and pulled out a ticket. "Everyone check your tickets. It's an eye-shadow blue ticket number 222369. Woo hoo! 69!" I chuckled into the mic. To my disgust, it was one of the clone boys who had the winning ticket raised over his head as he sashayed his way to the front counter. He stuck out the ticket and the numbers matched. "What is your name?" I asked.

  "It's Arlo," he said.

  "Everyone, let's congratulate Arlo," I announced to the crowd. "Keep your tickets handy because we will be doing another drawing shortly."

  "It took me awhile to recognize you, but you were that crazy bitch claiming to have written ‘Bombshell,’" Arlo said. "Miss Gigi is a friend of mine, and I can't believe you tried to steal her work."

  "That’s not true," I said as I tried to defend myself.

  "Don't go there, missy. She told me the whole story. Shame on you," Arlo said as he walked away not giving me an opportunity to even discuss it with him. This day was quickly circling the bowl.

  I made a beeline for the bar, and I must have looked like a wreck because Wallace had a cocktail waiting for me when I got there. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.

  "This is a rough crowd," I said. "I'm just volunteering, but these are a bunch of bitches."

  He looked around to make sure no one was listening in, "Can I let you in on a little secret?" he whispered.

  "Yes, please," I said.

  "The only reason I work this gig is because it pays stupid money, and the reason it pays stupid money is that no one wants to work with these bitches. These are the most pretentious fuckers I've ever met. The staff here at the bowling alley hates the crowd, but they are in business of making money just like me," he finished. "Don’t take anything personally, they say."

  "Thank you. I thought I was just going crazy. How should I deal with them?"

  "Just give them a rash of shit back. You are only a volunteer, so no one is going to care what you do. I can't because I'm being paid to be here," he said.

  "I think I will do that." I chugged my drink and had him fill me back up. He also made us a Kamikaze shot that we both swigged down. Nothing like a little courage to get your bitch mouth going.

  I went back out with a new attitude and a smile on my face. I was going to talk to these people even if they didn't want me to. I went straight up to the next pair of lanes and introduced myself. One of the boys decided to sass off right away.

  "I saw your show a couple of weeks ago and you were flat on some notes," he said.

  "Well at least I can correct my notes next time I sing, but I don't think you will ever be able to save that flat ass of yours. It looks like it actually curves inward like your butthole was sucking your ass in." His friends all laughed.

  "I'm Desiree, everyone, and I'm raising money for Atlanta Street Rescue if you care to make a donation." One of the guys pulled out his wallet and gave me $20. His little friend was still burning a bright shade of red as he slunk into his seat and sipped on his cocktail.

  Thank God the next pair of lanes were the guys from the club. I could relax for a minute and cut up with them before I moved onto the next group. "Darling, we know how you feel. These people suuuuuuucccckkk!" one bartender said.

  "The only reason we come here is for the free food and drinks. It's very rare that we get someone to wait on us, so we are going to take advantage of that," the other bartender said.

  "Can I get a group hug?" I asked, and of course they all came in and wrapped their love around me. At least the day wasn’t a total wash out, as I got to grab their asses. They loved the attention, and I loved giving it to them.

  "Sweetie, the reason we love you is because of your positive energy. You are always up and fun at the club, and we love you for it," the bartender said.

  "Thank you very much. That makes my day," I said.

  Off I went because it was time for another drawing. "Hey boys and girls, this time we are giving away five free haircuts from another sponsor, Pop My Bubble Salon, and from the looks of some of your hair, it is just in time." Chet brought up the bucket, and this time, he pulled out a ticket. "Another eye-shadow blue ticket 245615. If this is your ticket, bring it up to the counter to pick up your prize."

  Of course, the winner was another of the clone boys. I didn’t know how they could be so lucky with all these other people here.

  "Hey girl, here's the ticket," he said. The numbers matched so Chet gave him the gift certificates for the free haircuts.

  "You know missy, you might want to use some of these gift certificates to get your wigs done. They are looking mighty tired," he said.

  "That's okay," I said. "Because at least my wigs are all one color. It looks like you missed that back grey patch when you tried to do the bottle job at home. They need to call you Pinto since you have s
o many spots."

  "How rude," he said as he stomped away.

  "You need to be nice to the patrons," Chet said. "They have helped raise some good money for a good cause."

  "Yes, Chet, I understand, but I'm not going to put up with their lack of manners. Just because they have some money doesn't mean that they have to treat everyone like crap. One of the things my mama taught me was to respect myself, and too bad these bitches never were taught the same lesson.”

  Back to the bar I went just so I could cool off. Wallace saw me coming and had my drink waiting for me. I grabbed it and chugged it down. He immediately filled me up with another. "Thank you. At least there are some well-mannered people here."

  "You're welcome," Wallace said.

  I looked at the clock on my phone, and luckily I didn't have much more time here to deal with this bunch. I finished my rounds of trying to mingle with the patrons who really didn't care if I was there or not. I'm used to getting some abuse from the girls in the competition, but I know that is usually meant with a little bit of love. These people were just rude.

  "Hey skankarella!" I heard yelled my way. I turned to look, and a skinny twink boy was heading my way. "You should be ashamed of yourself for misrepresenting someone else's work as your own. I'm proud to call Miss Gigi a friend, and it is so sad to see you stab her in the back on your pitiful attempt to get attention and claim all the glory," he said.

  "Honey, the only glory I'm looking for is the hole I'm gonna shove my dick through with you on the other side to suck it dry. You need to wash the dirt of your knees, you dirty little cunt. Now go away and grab a burger you skinny railed bitch."

  What I didn't realize that Chet had been standing behind me when I went off on this boy. "Desiree, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he said.

  "That's fine," I said. "I don’t want to be around this bunch of assholes any longer. Let me just grab my purse from the front counter."