Introvert Power

by Laurie Helgoe

  • Be real. If you want real, be real. You don't have to keep small talk small. You can be polite without selling out. You can acknowledge someone without grinning from ear to ear. Let your depth be evident in your manner, and the people you meet will actually meet you.

  The challenge of maintaining your integrity as an introvert in the context of a party can actually be a strengthening experience. But then again, so can walking on hot coals. Know what you're getting into, get out before you burn out, and congratulate yourself for making it through.

  Chapter 13:

  Why Did I Want to

  Work with People?

  I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.

  —Woody Allen

  Introverts spend a lot of time pondering the big questions. Our love of ideas often inspires us to pursue noble work. But, as we soon find, these jobs don't pay us for sitting in a soft chair and thinking big thoughts. Once on the job, we discover—to our horror—that we are expected to carry out the big ideas, and that usually means talking to PEOPLE. Usually, by the time we discover this, we are up to our ears in debt—not just for the student loans, but also to our own ideals.

  Of course, at some level we knew we'd be working with people, whether as clients, customers, or coworkers. But we were having so much fun studying the ideas that we put off that reality. Time to look at that dreaded question, "What do you DO?"

  DOING VERSUS THINKING

  It is typical of our extroverted, externally-oriented society that we define ourselves by what we do rather than what we think and feel. "Doing" is the observable part and, for many of us, says very little about our work. If you were to observe me in a psychotherapy session, much of what I do is hidden: listening, integrating ideas, looking for patterns, and searching my own experience for empathic links. Most of the statements I make in a session result from a complex internal process. Likewise, much of my internal process remains hidden but forms a foundation for my overall understanding.

  For introverts, the ideas behind the work are what matters most. We like to produce and create too, but we know that there is always "more than meets the eye." This is why it is sometimes hard for introverts to find words: we really hate to compromise, and words are always a compromise. And if words are a compromise, work is often a big fat disappointment.

  All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

  —attributed to Aristotle

  Like many introverts, I was drawn to my field because I loved the learning of it: exploring the mysteries of the mind and its mechanisms, understanding and developing theories to make sense of it all, and applying what I learned to my own psychology. I'm not sure when it hit me—when it really sunk in—that my focus would necessarily be reduced and impeded when the work became interactive.

  Though we also learn through our interactions, introverts prefer to learn through independent analysis. Leave us alone and we'll figure it out. But how much time do you get at work to be alone and figure it out, without interruption? What if your job is interactive? How well does the work you wanted match up with the work you have?

  WHAT IS WORK?

  When we work, we expend energy in exchange for some kind of reward. I find it helpful to distinguish two different kinds of work: Natural Work, the work you are compelled to do because of who you are, and Imposed Work, the work that is hard not only inherently, but also because you have to push yourself to do it. For me, working through conflict with my husband is the former; it takes energy and can be quite difficult, but nobody has to tell me to do it. I hunger for the intimacy and understanding that such work generates. I hunger for him. Nobody could stop me from doing this work. This is Natural Work.

  Another kind of Natural Work I do is writing. It takes energy, sometimes it is extremely hard, and sometimes it takes everything I have. But I am compelled. I have filled journal after journal, voluntarily, since I was a young child. I need to write. I love books: the feel of them—they are sacred to me. And words! Searching for the "just right" words is worth an exhausting journey; finding them, whether they are mine or someone else's, is like holding something precious and delicate—a rare jewel, a newborn baby. I love everything about writing: the paper, the pens, the desk and drawers. I love it even when I hate it, just as I love my husband even when I hate him.

  When you start to look at your Natural Work, you'll probably find many examples in your own life. We are compelled to have babies, even though they ask much more than they can give. We are compelled to create and invent and tackle the mysteries of life. Use the following questions to help you identify your Natural Work:

  • What is your greatest gift? Your gift is something you may not think much about, because it comes easily for you. You would probably do it whether you were paid for it or not. But it is not easy for everyone. Others may marvel at your gift because for them it is a mystery, something they can't imagine doing. Are you indulging this gift through your work?

  • When do you feel "in your element"? Some call it being in the flow. I call it that "sweet spot" where work and play intersect. You are present, engaged, and free of conflict.

  What do you do naturally? Do you attend to the details others neglect? Are you good at making difficult concepts understandable? Do you secretly love to clean? Do you chart out everything on paper without even thinking about it? Get input from the people closest to you, and ask family members what you were "into" as a child. Pull all of this together, and write a job description, outlining the NaturalWork you engage in, paid or unpaid, mundane or profound. Can you identify a theme? Perhaps your nature compels you to create beauty, to find solutions, or to heal the suffering. See if you can come up with a title to capture the essence of this work. Are you a "Truth Seeker," a "Nurturer of Life," a "Freedom Promoter"? What is your core purpose or priority?

  In America, we don't talk much about what is at the core. We talk about the "top priority" and the "bottom line." We talk about goals and ends rather than constants. Introverts have access to something much more stable—and powerful. That is, if the Imposed Work doesn't pull us off center.

  When I worked at the hospital on the post-op unit, I would have about six patients per night. The amount of energy and courage it took for me to walk in and introduce myself to the patient and usually family members was sometimes overwhelming. The first time I had to do it in nursing school was terrifying. I just had to FAKE it.

  —Margit, who knew she'd be a good nurse because of her capacity for empathy

  Work doesn't pull us off center.

  Imposed Work, like Natural Work, takes energy and can be difficult. But on top of this, Imposed Work involves the work of defying nature—the work of pulling yourself up, pushing yourself forward, playing a role. The tricky thing is that, for introverts, we seek out Natural Work and often end up with Imposed Work.

  Some introverts hit the right career on the first try, but many of us find work disappointing at first. We may pursue work for practical reasons or because we are good at something, or because we have a compelling vision of what the work will mean. I pursued psychology, because I love analysis. The courses were fascinating, and I was compelled by the mystery of it, just as I am compelled by the mysteries of spirituality and the mysteries of love. I find it both challenging and comforting to explore fields that I cannot master. Looking back, I hadn't really imagined myself providing therapy. I liked the idea of therapy, but I didn't consider the immense amount of Imposed Work involved: meeting the clients, diagnosing, keeping records, translating session content into a language insurance companies could understand. The "paid job," as Aristotle noted, was degrading to my ideals.

  This conflict is particularly tricky for Accessible Introverts. We go into people work because we can see within people: the nurse or physician sees the rich complexity of the body; social scientists see the complexity of the mind and human behavior. But we can't just go right in, and we often work with—and for—people who do not s
hare our fascination with the subject.

  I see this frustration among introverts in the environmental field: they are compelled to support and nurture what is natural, but end up doing the Imposed Work of fighting human nature: lobbying for policy change, schmoozing supporters. They spend much of their time working against, pushing and promoting, when what they love about nature is that it works together and evolves organically. When we were kids, my older brother—now a doctoral-level fisheries biologist—practically lived in the woods. He thrived on the richness of nature and eagerly memorized the genus and species names of every animal in the thick reference book that became his bible. Now he spends much of his time in an uphill battle to restore what worked best in the first place. He does get to work outdoors, restoring rivers, but much of his work is indoors, in meeting rooms, with people.

  But the frustration of Imposed Work is not specific to any field. The introverted engineer with a natural affinity for building may be frustrated by having to deal with the environmentalist! What we share as introverts is the love of ideas and the desire to explore them with minimal interruption. We want and need input, but we'd rather get it through reading, research, and rich conversation than through unfiltered talk.

  As you go through your workweek, make note of when you are in Natural Work and when you are pulled into Imposed Work. You might even want to put an "N" or "I" in the margins of your day planner or try to estimate the ratio of Natural to Imposed. Then consider how you might alter that ratio in favor of Natural Work.

  Though we care the most about Natural Work, sometimes we get in our own way, buying into society's elevation of form over substance. I have two jobs, author and psychologist, and my workweek is split between the two practices. So what do you think gets pushed aside for a doctor appointment or errands? Well it used to be my writing time—that is, until I recognized how little respect I was giving the work I love the most. I don't like to cancel clients, but I have become just as reluctant to cancel myself, so I compromise and treat both equally. If a client is at a turning point, I'm more reluctant to interrupt that process. If it's deadline week for my writing, I do not see clients and they don't plan to see me.

  It is only in the past year that I've talked to my clients about my writing. It has made my life so much easier to have their understanding, to have them know what "deadline week" means. They don't always like it, but I think they like having a therapist who is finding success as an author, and I think they benefit from seeing me practice what I preach.

  It is not only good for us to honor our Natural Work. It is our responsibility. Look for that "sweet spot," and expand your time there. Once you get out of your own way, though, you'll have another challenge.

  A CULTURE OF INTERRUPTION

  While Accessible Introverts often do "people work," Shadow Dwellers are more likely to find careers that allow more solitary work. And whether the profession requires crunching numbers or molding a sculpture, the introvert wants to concentrate on the work at hand. The introvert may ask questions or provide input, but would prefer to do so without the fluff of excessive talk. The introvert at work wants to work!

  But even the introverts who have the luxury of sticking to their Natural Work are victims of all the Imposed Work associated with the extroverted culture of the American workplace. Walls have come down and cubicles replace offices, team-building meetings provide yet another place for us to talk about work, and just to make everything "homey," we have to endure potluck lunches and birthday celebrations. As so scathingly captured in the sit-com, The Office, efforts to make work fun only annoy most of us, especially the introvert.

  I talk with many Shadow Dwellers who are mystified by the fact that chatty workers are rarely reprimanded. Sit and gossip and you are fun; close the door (if you have one) and you are antisocial. And we're talking about work here, not a party!

  Executives and managers need to consider how introverts—at least half of their employees—produce. Employees require energy to produce and, conveniently, introverts come with their own generators. Instead of trying to entertain us, mute the chatter and give us some space. Instead of rewarding the introvert with a party, give her a gift certificate to a restaurant, spa, bookstore, or coffeehouse. Instead of requiring attendance at a staff retreat, give introverted employees their assignments and send them to private cabins. Instead of insisting that introverts attend meetings, give us the option to submit written ideas. Employers are learning that, for many employees, less is more: less discussion, fewer meetings, and less so-called fun.

  Worst thing about my version of Monday morning: having to interface with extroverted types who want to engage me in what I call "laundromat talk": chatter about the mundane, menial, and morose.

  —Don, minister who is drawn to "introspection and spirituality at my pace and in my natural, internal way."

  Another common misunderstanding is that focused workers are grumpy, as if happiness is measured by how much we talk! One introvert complained to me about a coworker: "Every morning she asks me 'What's wrong?' or 'Are you okay?' I hear all the time, 'why don't you smile?' I've been hearing that my whole life!"

  If we are grumpy, perhaps it's because we're tired of being interrupted and interrogated. Short of posting a LEAVE ME ALONE sign on your door (if you have a door), how do you minimize the Imposed Work of responding to people? Here are some ideas:

  • Identify and communicate your "no talk" zones. If you need time to settle in before talking to anyone, let your coworkers know. If you generally prefer to lunch alone, let your coworkers know. They will be spared any paranoid musings, and you'll be spared the "friendly fire." Consider staggering your work hours so that you arrive earlier or leave later.

  • Disarm potential intruders. Make rounds to the people who are likely to intrude on you before you get focused. Tell them that you are organizing your day to minimize interruptions. Ask them what they'll need from you, jot it down, and once you've collected these demands, retire to your space.

  • If you truly want privacy, be polite and discreet. Shadow Dwellers have discreet down, but can actually attract attention by being too abrupt. Silently walking past other employees and slamming your door will probably generate more concern and curiosity than offering a simple "Good Morning" as you head toward your office. Though social niceties can serve a protective function, Accessible Introverts can be too nice. Stop with "Good Morning" and forgo the "How are you?" Also, tone down the smiles and head nodding. A kind but focused attitude will make it clear you are occupied without ruffling extrovert feathers.

  • If you can, designate "office hours"—a time every day when you are available for interruption. Planned interruptions are much easier for an introvert.

  • Claim some office space. Review the tips we discussed in Chapter 6, and find out the options offered by your employer. If these don't fit, offer your employer some options. Don't assume you have to sit where you're put.

  • When you negotiate a new job or a raise, consider including some peace and quiet in your terms. Be upfront that your strong suit is your ability to work independently and pursue answers without interrupting others. Add that you do best in a setting that allows you to dig in with minimal disruption. The fact that you know your work style and strive to do your best will only impress a potential employer.

  • Many work settings utilize the MBTI, so you may have the opportunity to take the inventory and discuss your work style in this context. You can also express your desire to take the inventory. If you know your "code type," use this as a launching point for discussing your preferred work conditions.

  • Though walls are best—and if you've got them, a closed door works wonders—there are other ways of establishing boundaries in a cubicle world. Your facial expression, posture, and way of responding to people can indirectly communicate to people that you are inside yourself and the door is closed.

  INTROVERT EXPLOITATION

  Another work hazard for introverts is the tendency fo
r supervisors to load work on the people who complain the least. People are often drawn into introvert space because it is less chaotic than extrovert space. Unfortunately, these people bring the chaos in and stress us out. Because we keep our stress inside, extroverts can misread this as, "Sure, I'll take more work!"

  Because I give clients so much space in their sessions, some of them are surprised to see me stop the sessions on time. These clients sometimes start a new topic after I have noted that we need to end. I am very clear with myself that I cannot be fully available to my clients unless I respect my limits. When clients push it, I stay firm. When the client seems particularly needy, I suggest we meet more frequently—this means paying more, so the offer is only accepted when the client is really invested, a win-win. Sometimes I tell them frankly that I am no longer attentive once the session time has ended, and that what they say has too much importance for me to listen halfheartedly. I have also sometimes shared a simpler truth: "I like my breaks!"

  We cannot ask others to respect our boundaries unless we respect them ourselves. Leave when you say you're going to leave. Ask for the time you need to complete the project—at your pace. Introverts can be chronic underestima-tors, cutting out the thinking time we assume will not be provided. Assume differently. Assume correctly. If you are an introvert, assume introversion. Give yourself the time to get clear, live your clarity, and your assumptions will infuse the air. Words won't be necessary. A look will send them running.

  The worst thing about going to work on a Monday morning is my cheerful co-workers who want to interact and chat the minute I walk in. I once had a boss who had a five-minute rule...as in, no talking in the first five minutes while you get settled, get your coffee, put away your stuff, etc. I think that should be instituted in all workplaces! Maybe she was an introvert too.