Introvert Power

by Laurie Helgoe

  • The next time you go to a mall or one of those obligatory parties, see if you can find the pattern, the rhythm, and make it a meditation. Allow yourself to look beyond the small talk to our shared condition and longings. Let your presence offer the peace you so value.

  • Take your mind with you. Practice the simple exercise of noting what you think and feel: "Hmm, I like this." "There is something wrong here." "Okay, this sucks." Turn up the volume on your inner wisdom. No need to act on it before you're ready, just notice.

  • Allow others to see your introversion. Instead of looking in the mirror and putting on a perky smile, look in the mirror as you contemplate. Get an idea of what you look like and feel like on the outside as you listen for what is inside. Are you taking your inside outside, or are you wearing an extrovert costume? What does your "inner wardrobe" look like? What would it mean to take your comfort with you?

  • Practice "confident pausing." When I studied speech, I learned to respect the pause. A deliberate pause holds the audience captive. Introverts think before speaking, and need time within conversations to develop their ideas and responses. In my family, I got used to others chiming in, so I learned to trail off and make room for interruptions—this was not confident pausing. A confident pause is a clear break, and communicates the expectation that others wait. Try it. Start with low-stress situations. Stretch out time. Use public space for thinking privately. Act as if you've got all day. Feel the power.

  • Withdraw more openly. State your introvert needs in the affirmative rather than apologetically. Assume others understand and that they're weird if they don't.

  • Absorb the power of collective introversion. Attend a meditation circle or prayer vigil. Look for people behind the scenes. Read, and make company with books. As William Gladstone put it, "Books are a delightful society. If you go into a room filled with books, even without taking them down from their shelves, they seem to speak to you, to welcome you" (emphasis mine). The poet Shelley also frequented introvert society: "I love tranquil solitude/ And such society/ As is quiet, wise, and good" (emphasis mine).

  Society is ours to choose, ours to create. I think meditation is an apt metaphor for introvert power. As Doug Imbrogno, introvert and facilitator of a meditation circle, put it: "Meditation allows you to not get swept away by the flood of thoughts and emotions, to sit by the side of the river, to watch the raging torrent and not get swept down." Though he was talking about the inner torrent, a meditative attitude distances the outer torrent as well, allowing you to witness extroversion without getting "swept down" by it. And others may opt to come your way.

  The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.

  —Anais Nin

  TRIBUTE TO AN INTROVERT

  Over the past two years, I had the privilege of knowing a girl who struggled to make room for herself. She, like many introverts, loved therapy. Unlike many teenagers, she was unrestrained in her honesty. And she was in trouble.

  This girl, blonde and petite, playful and smart, hated school. And her hatred was not your ordinary "school sucks" attitude that comes with questioning authority. My client hated school because she could not think there. The classrooms were noisy, boys harassed her, and she was not doing well. Drugs helped some—the illegal kind. She begged me to help.

  The standard psychological treatment for school refusal is to keep the child in school—to desensitize her to the anxiety of being in school and to help her develop coping strategies. But, even as her psychiatrist and I followed this protocol, I couldn't help but think that my client's desire for the home-school option was well founded. This was a girl who used her own time to volunteer at an animal shelter, to write, draw, and create a vision for her future. She had big academic plans, and she not only had her career track worked out, but also collected pictures of her future dream house.

  Her parents and I exhausted every option to try to create better conditions for her within school, but quiet was just not an option. Alternative programs tended to breed delinquency, and she was already vulnerable enough. The family was too poor to afford a private option. To my client's credit, she persisted—maybe she had no choice. She said she would give up school entirely to get away from the chaos she was mandated to tolerate. And, yes, she had the ADD meds.

  I challenged her to put together a proposal for home-schooling and indicated that an essential part of the plan would be abstinence from drugs. She excitedly got herself a planner, worked out a schedule, and she and I created a formal proposal to submit to the school. Her parents, exhausted from the struggle, fully supported the plan, as did her psychiatrist. The homeschool option was granted, and she thrived. Relinquishing the drugs was not much of an issue; she did not need a change in mental state to work in a more hospitable setting. I will never forget the day she hugged me and without an ounce of self-consciousness, said, "Thank you. I love you."

  Before the end of a wonderfully generative year at home, a very happy year,my client was killed in a car accident. It was three days before her prom—her school invited her to participate—prom—her school invited her to participate—and she and her boyfriend were on their way to pick up his tux. It was a rainy day on a bad road, and she skidded. Later, when her father talked with me about her tragic death, he found comfort in a simple truth: "She was happy that day."

  The truth which made us free will in the end make us glad also."

  —Felix Adler

  MEDITATING IN YOUR MOSH PIT

  Introverts have remained introverts despite incredible pressures to adapt. Recall that we are more than 50 percent, while the buzz says we are rare. We have been diagnosed, worried about, reformed, overstimulated, and interrupted. But as we persist in being introverted, society also benefits. Introverts have more internal storage space, so we can bring more into consideration. As we stubbornly make room for ourselves, reflect and wait until we are ready, we come up with the kinds of ideas, creations, solutions, and solid truths that render others silent. We baffle extroverts with our mysterious power, the "Where did you come up with that?" kind of awe.

  Isn't it refreshing to know that what comes perfectly natural for you is your greatest strength? Your power is in your nature. You may not think it's a big deal that you can spend hours immersed in something that interests you—alone—but the extrovert next door has no idea how you do it.

  Our gifts are not only evident in our ideas and creations, but in the way we live. By pursing the "more" that we need—time, space, thought—we wedge open new possibilities for everyone. We preserve solitary places, and also scout ahead, rendering the inner life safer for others. The "less" that we need—less formality, fewer people, less external stimuli—also looks good, especially to the overextended. As Don so aptly put it, "I can (and do) entertain myself without resorting to bungee jumping or swimming the English Channel; work, play, hobbies, rest, and a few intimate relationships don't generally require a great deal from others."

  Extroverts may pressure us to get in the mix, but they love the calm we bring when we don't comply.

  While it's not a good idea to sit in the middle of a mosh pit, your power will be most evident when you bring it into the middle of your life—when you bring you into the middle. Perhaps you'll find yourself, as I have lately, spending more time in the living room while others retreat to their rooms. Maybe you'll more openly daydream and allow a Mona Lisa smile to get people wondering. You might walk a little more slowly, ponder more visibly, and show just a hint of how excited you are for your empty evening.

  The people in your circle are rushing, talking, flailing about.

  You stand still and chill. You observe and wait. People pressure you, and you stay. You stand still and chill. You observe and wait. As you rest in your introversion, people get quiet with you. They sense your comfort with silence, and they forget why they were talking so much. As your energy spreads, a hush fills the room. Nobody feels a need to do or say anything.

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