Little Light of Mine (Club Decadence)

by Maddie Taylor

  “Sorry honey, just trying to make him jealous.” T rolled her off then assisted her up and put a brotherly arm around her shoulders. “Tomorrow we’ll let him be bottom.” T thought this was hilarious and laughed long and hard. She agreed that Dex as a bottom was comical but she wasn’t in the laughing mood.

  “It isn’t funny T and in what alternative reality is Dex a bottom? And no way is he jealous!”

  “You don’t see him looking when you’re not. He still has feelings for you Elena. No joke.”

  “He hates me T. I ran out on him, lied to him, broke our engagement without any explanation and broke his heart all while he was thousands of miles away in Afghanistan. He won’t ever forgive me and I don’t blame him.” He pulled her into his chest in a bear hug and she cried softly into his damp T-shirt. “I feel responsible for turning him into this hard and bitter man. If I could go back and do it differently I would, but I can’t.” It felt good to be held by strong arms again. T was a nice guy. She sighed and stepped back from his embrace. She gave him a watery smile as she realized there was no tingle of excitement, no flare of anticipation, no sexual response at all to his embrace. That hadn’t happened to her in years except with Dex, plus T was like a brother.

  “He spanked you babe. He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t still care. He wouldn’t have bothered.” His frank words made her blush. She forgot sometimes that T was a Dom. He was so friendly and flirty with her but he was an experienced Dom for his age and very observant. Softly he dismissed her, “Hit the showers, then I’ll take you home.”

  By the end of the week, she wanted to kill Dexter Russell. She felt sorry for all the men who had to serve under this Master Sargent. She had served under him as his submissive but had never seen this side of him. He had been controlling, arrogant, and sexy but also kind, loving and gentle. She rewound her thoughts and realized what was missing. He had loved her and wanted to be kind and gentle. Now his mission was just to see that she didn’t screw up their mission and get herself dead.

  At least she was feeling more comfortable with the pistol. Dex was still not satisfied with her sixty percent accuracy but acknowledged her improvement. He continued to supervise her target practice but had relinquished her defense training to Lil T. After the first session he was even more detached and was all business. He was an exacting taskmaster making her load, reload and clean her weapon over and over again. But he was strictly professional, that was all. There were no more scathing remarks, reminders of her past mistakes and definitely no more spankings. She decided she’d rather have the pissed off Dex to this cold, robotic professional. At least the former had shown some emotion.

  Chapter Twelve

  Tonight was The Club’s annual Halloween masquerade and Elena was looking forward to being back on stage. It would be her first performance since Dex had kicked her out. He had extended her training another week, insisting that she needed the extra time to learn the self-defense skills and be able to shoot her weapon before resuming performances. His reason was that he didn’t want her distracted. Funny how this man who was no longer her Dom or fiancé or anything other than her boss at The Club and handler at Rossi had so much control over her life. All the other guys deferred to him, even T who spent the most time training her. It seemed to be an unwritten but universally accepted fact that he was in charge of freelance operative Elena Lopez.

  She was happy for the return of a steady paycheck and so were her band members. Several of them had families that depended on the income and were hurt by the loss of The Club contract. They had been back several times in the past week for rehearsal and sound checks during the day. Elena had her song list ready to go. She wanted upbeat and fun; it was a party after all. Sean had brought her a pile of requests from the comments boxes in the lounge. He had been collecting them ever since her early weeks at The Club. When Dex had his blowup he had filed them away, thinking they just might be needed someday. She found this insightful side of Sean creepy at times but was glad he had kept them.

  Over half of the requests were for Pink covers. Many of The Club members new she had toured with Pink as a backup singer. Evidently they didn’t know or care that she had been fired from that job like people in the music industry. After losing her job, the subsequent stay in rehab, while good for her, hadn’t been good for her career. Her reputation spoke volumes and she couldn’t find a gig as a backup singer after getting released from her 90-day rehab program. People put up with a lot for the headliner, a backup singer, not so much. She had waited tables and struggled to make ends meet until her mama called with news of her papa’s stroke.

  Now she was content with steady work. Her current band, however, was hoping to get a break and get discovered. Elena wasn’t sure she could handle getting back into the tour scene and all of its temptations. The most she hoped for these days was a recording contract or to make a little money as a songwriter.

  For her return, she planned three sets. The first would focus on pop/rock covers from classic and current hits, upbeat and easy to dance to. Set Two would be dedicated to fans’ requests including a Pink tribute. She loved her music and her messages of the downtrodden or disenfranchised fighting and making it to the top were inspirational. Some of the songs were of heart-wrenching breakups and reminded her of Dex and their breakup, but most were upbeat so she would just motor through them. Her third and final set would be ballads and would help the house wind down as Sean insisted. She would do the third set at midnight, which was the time of the unmasking. After the final set, the members usually made their way to the play areas that were restricted access. The public would still be able to party in the lounge and bar areas until last call, at 2 am.

  Since returning to The Club, Elena had watched enviously as the couples went off to the member’s areas to play. Some of the couples were friends, including Rick and Regan who had been married for several years. She looked at them and saw what she and Dex could have had. Cap and Megan were also in a committed relationship, but she was new to the lifestyle and according to Regan still in training. Cap had never brought her to The Club. Tonight was going to be the first time and be very special for them because Cap was also planning to collar her then. Sean had asked that she play a few songs at their ceremony, which would be held in the owner’s private playroom upstairs. She worried that this would violate Dex’s rules and void her contract, but Sean reassured her that Dex was in on the planning of the little ceremony and had approved her performing. So, she had a busy night ahead.

  Dex was sitting in the lounge with Cap and Megan, Rick and Regan and Master Peter. Elena was performing and had the full capacity crowd hyped to a near frenzy with the upbeat music. She finished the newly christened club anthemRaise Your Glass by Pink and the crowd was still buzzing and laughing. The song always got them riled up as they sang and danced along with her.

  He frowned when Elena began another familiar and haunting song about heartbreak, Pink’sPlease Don’t Leave Me. He rose and without a word to his friends, moved off through the crowd toward the stage. The crowd around him had a special energy tonight, dancing and singing along in the concert-like atmosphere. He was physically drawn to the woman singing on stage. The edgy song about love gone wrong hit too close to home, and she sang the lyrics of how the woman pleaded with her lover to forgive and come back to her.

  Dex noticed she had removed the gloves she usually wore on stage. Her wrists were exposed and her tattoos resembled a pair of cuffs that matched the choker at her neck. All swirling in an intricate, lacy pattern. She rocked behind the microphone, singing of love and heartache, mistakes and pain.

  Elena had slipped into the chorus again of “Please Don’t Leave Me” Her eyes were closed as she sang with gut-wrenching emotion. As she sang her hands rose, fists pressed to her head as if in pain herself, then she threw her head back and he saw it. He always thought the “E” tattooed at her throat was for Elena. His eyes moved to her wrists and realized each tattoo also contained a single letter s
cripted into the intricate pattern. With her hands bracketing her head, the letters read from left to right spelled a name. D – E – X.

  Holy Christ! Sometime after she left him, after breaking their engagement as well as his heart, she had permanently and indelibly inked his name into her perfect skin. Why would she have done that if she didn’t love him anymore? She would wear those tattoos forever.

  The crowd swayed along with her, and Dex watched as a single tear slowly tracked down her face, her inner torment clear for all to see and hear.

  Elena finished the set. “Thank you. We’ll be back in fifteen.” This evening had drained Elena and in desperate need of a break, she turned and hurried off stage. At the top of the stairs she stopped short, Dex was standing at the bottom watching her. Their eyes met and a feeling of déjà vu swept over her. They had done this before, but this time was a little different. Dex wasn’t raging with anger and bitterness; instead she read concern and anguish on his face. She broke eye contact first, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. What was it? Dios mío, had he learned her secret somehow? She couldn’t bear it and smothering a sob rushed past him intent on getting to her dressing room before she broke down.

  Stunned, Dex looked after her. The haunting lyrics from her song reminded him of her suicide attempt and that terrible suicide note. Like the note, the song spoke about fate, regret and pain. It also spoke of bitter shame. He moved immediately to follow her. He had to check on her to see if she was OK. Was this a new song? Did she still feel that way?

  Dex found himself at her dressing room door. He could hear muffled sobs through the door. “Elena, open up.”

  “Go away Dex. I only have a few minutes until my next set. I can’t talk to you right now.”

  “Open the door now or I’ll break it down.” Dex heard shuffling and the door slowly opened to reveal her tear-stained face. “Are you OK,Chiquita?”

  “I’m fine, I just need a break. I have to be back in ten minutes.” Her voice was strained and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. He’d called herChiquita again. That had been his pet name for her so long ago, when they were in love.

  Dex pushed his way inside and watched her step back out of his way. She turned her back and busied herself getting a drink, then sat to fix her makeup. “What has got you so upset? Talk to me.”

  “That song…” She stalled by taking another drink.

  “That song was like the note you left.”

  “What note?”

  “Your suicide note, I read it. Please tell me you’re not thinking about-“

  “No! Never again. I promised you I wouldn’t and I meant it.” She couldn’t look at him. It seemed he knew more about the past two years than she realized, especially the lowest points and there were so many.

  “You‘ve broken promises to me before.” Brutally honest, Dex didn’t pull any punches with her.

  A sob escaped and she buried her face in her tissue wiping at her ruined mascara as she stared into the mirror. “I wrote that after the-,” she caught herself, “Uh, after I left.” She’d almost said ‘after the rape.’ “It was a long time ago and I was in a very dark place. I’ve performed it so many times it usually doesn’t get to me like tonight.”

  “What about the tattoos? I’ve seen them before but didn’t really notice them until you were singing on stage without your gloves. Elena, look at me.” He stood behind her and put his heavy hands on her shoulders.

  “Dex, there’s no time right now.”

  “I don’t care about the time. If you’re late, they won’t go anywhere. They love you.” He put a large hand to her head and stroked her short, silky curls. “Why did you get the tattoos?”

  “It was an impulsive move, Dex. Don’t let them upset you.”

  “Upset me? You permanently inked my name on your body after you ended it with me. I want to know why?”

  “I didn’t mean for you to see them but I tore one of my gloves.”

  “Answer my question, why?”

  When she still didn’t answer, he spun her around and pulled her up by her shoulders. “Tell me why, goddammit!”

  “Because I still loved you and I wanted to have a part of you with me always.” She sobbed and choked as she gasped for air.

  “Christ!” Dex released her and turned away, rubbing his face in frustration. He didn’t understand how her mind worked. She had tattooed his name on her body but left him, not wanting any further contact. It made no sense at all.

  They were startled by a knock on the door. Ronnie called to her,“Elena we’re due back on stage now.”

  “She’s going to need a few minutes. Don’t you guys have some songs you can play without her?”

  “Hell yeah! We’ll get started and you can join us when you’re ready, E.” Elena could hear the excitement in Ronnie’s voice. He had been preparing some songs with a male lead. It was an excellent opportunity for him to give them a test drive. She sank back in her chair, wondering whether she could go back on stage after this confrontation with Dex anyway.

  Dex crouched in front of her. Taking her hands in his, he gazed into her tear-filled eyes searching for the truth. “What happened that made you try to end your life, Elena? I need to know the truth before it drives me insane.”

  “You’re right. Something happened that drove me to it. It was something so terrible that I thought for a while that I couldn’t go on. That’s why I did it.” She looked at his bent head. He was looking at her scars and tracing them gently with his thumbs.

  “Tell me.”

  “I can’t, Dex.”

  “After all this time is it still so terrible that you can’t talk about it?”

  “Yes.” Elena looked him straight in the eye when she said it.

  “I can’t imagine anything so horrible that you would do this Elena?” He continued to rub his thumbs across her scars as if they held the answers to his questions. “What were you doing? Dealing drugs like your brother?”

  “Oh my God! You know?”

  “Part of it, but why don’t you tell me the rest? I know most of it anyway. They have you on video making a transaction.”

  “Ay dios mio!” Elena was shocked and mortified, “But how?”

  “Evidently your drop-off point was under surveillance. A few days later they raided the restaurant. They wanted you for questioning but you had already taken off to California by then.”

  “But they didn’t come after me.”

  “You caught a break. They were after bigger fish, bigger even than your brother and his colleagues. So, is this what you couldn’t tell me? It’s bad but not enough for you to kill yourself over.” He left off the part about leaving him. What could be so bad? Thoughts of her in different scenarios had consumed him for years now. Was it the drug dealing? She hadn’t denied it. Or had she committed a more serious crime like murder? Was it another man? Had she cheated on him? At the end of the day, did it really matter? She hadn’t trusted him enough to confide in him. It was a sign that their relationship was not what he thought it was.

  She watched the play of emotions across his face. Elena was seeing shades of the old Dex in him today. But she could also tell he was frustrated and confused. She pulled her wrists free and placed a hand against his cheek. “Please don’t do this to yourself. It was my fault. I accept the blame and will regret it until the day I die.”

  “But you still won’t trust me enough to tell me your secret.” Dex sighed and rose to his feet. He turned and walked to the door where he paused for a moment. He didn’t turn back to her but gave her one last devastating blow before leaving. “I was so wrong about us back then. At the time, there wasn’t anything you could have done that I wouldn’t have forgiven. I would have moved heaven and earth to protect you and to make it right. But the secrets, the lies, the utter lack of trust, I think that is the only thing I can’t forgive. And that, more than anything is what hurts most of all.”

  She was numb when he finally left her alone. She brushed a tear off her cheek. B
etter that he think of her as a deceitful, lying bitch than know her secret. But it wasn’t so much the secret; he couldn’t think less of her than he already did. It was his reaction that she feared. So, she would go on protecting him and her father. In the meantime, she would do whatever she could to make Luis pay.

  Dex left in frustration when he couldn’t get anything more from her. She went back on stage to finish her set, business as usual. The next day they were back at Rossi for another team meeting. Now that her training was completed, they were ready to move forward with the investigation. Her job was to get closer to Luis by giving him the opportunity to bring her into his operation and inform on him.

  Her first step was to visit her parents and see what information they had on Luis and his activities. Where was he living, working, what was his schedule? Sean had given her an invitation for an upcoming public event at The Club. If she was able, she was supposed to let Luis or Eduardo find it and spark their interest in The Club. Dex was still not happy with the entire situation but seemed OK with it as long as she had 24/7 security.

  During the team meeting, Lil T and Cap had questioned her about working with her brother and dealing drugs while Dex had sat quietly observing. She swore it was a one-time deal and afterward she had immediately left for California. When Cap asked what had made her turn to drugs, crime and her lowlife brother in the first place, she couldn’t look at Dex when she gave her one word answer. “Blackmail.”

  This had sparked a barrage of questions from T and Cap, but she once again clammed up. She answered questions about Luis and his thugs but when it came to her own personal involvement she refused. At the end of the meeting, Dex had left in a foul temper, slamming the conference room door behind him. Lil T and Cap were also frustrated, knowing their friends were tortured and miserable. They needed to find out what Elena was hiding, for the case as well as their friend’s sanity. Cap picked up the phone and asked Rick, Sean and Jonas to join them. They needed to get to the bottom of this.