Inside My Head

by Jim Carrington

  Mr Sharkey shows me to my new seat, near the front of the class, opposite two boys who don’t look up when I sit down. There’s an empty seat next to mine. This doesn’t look promising. I remember when new kids started at Morden, the teachers always gave someone the job of looking after them, helping them to settle in. All I get is an empty chair. Nice touch.

  Mr Sharkey calls the register. I just concentrate on trying not to sound too stupid when I answer my name. Which I manage, just about.

  When the register’s done with, Mr Sharkey tells everyone to get a book out and read. He comes over and talks to me about my timetable. But I don’t really hear what he’s saying – I’m too busy trying to take everything in. Behind Mr Sharkey, I can see the rest of the tutor group. A lot of them are looking at me and talking. I just want to be at home. In Morden. I can’t go through with this.

  The bell goes. Most of the tutor group get up to leave.

  Mr Sharkey – who’s been crouching next to me – stands up. ‘Sit down, Ten M,’ he says. ‘You will go when I tell you it is time to go!’

  Ten M roll their eyes, groan and sit back down.

  ‘Put up your hand if you are in set one for science, please,’ Mr Sharkey says. A few hands go up. Mr Sharkey looks at them. ‘Paul, can you come over here, please?’ he says. ‘The rest of you, off you go to your lessons.’

  The class chatter and leave the tutor room. Paul comes over to me and Mr Sharkey. I should have guessed who Paul would be: the boy in the cap from the playing field. Only now he isn’t wearing the cap. He has long floppy blond hair instead. He kind of smirks at me as he walks over.

  ‘Paul, I’d like you to take Zoë to science, please,’ Mr Sharkey says.

  Paul nods his floppy-haired head. ‘Yes, sir,’ he says. He seems all innocent and well behaved now. Maybe he was just being an arse in front of his friend. Some boys can be like that.

  ‘Excellent,’ Mr Sharkey says.

  Paul smiles at Mr Sharkey. And we leave the classroom.

  As soon as we’re in the corridor, Paul turns to me. ‘So, did you find him, then?’ he says.

  I look back at him. ‘What?’ I say. And then I think about it and realise I’m being thick. ‘Oh, Gary. No. No, I didn’t.’

  ‘Why on earth were you looking for Gary Wood?’

  I shrug. ‘He’s just a friend,’ I say. ‘I think.’

  Paul gives me a look, like he doesn’t understand me. ‘You’re friends with Gary Wood?’

  I nod. ‘Yeah, what’s wrong with that?’

  ‘He’s a psycho, that’s what.’

  I look at Paul. He looks serious. ‘He isn’t,’ I say. ‘He’s a bit quiet, but he isn’t a psycho.’

  Paul stops walking, so I do as well. ‘Look at my face,’ he says. ‘You see this . . .’ He points to the fading bruise on his cheek. ‘That’s where Wood hit me! For no reason. I’m telling you, he’s a psycho. You should stay away from him. Seriously.’ Paul starts walking again.

  ‘He hit you? Why’d he hit you?’

  Paul shrugs. ‘No reason, like I said. He’s just mental. They’re sending him to see a shrink. Something’s not right in his head!’

  It starts to make sense now. Paul must be the boy who Gary hit, the reason he got excluded. I want to ask Paul about it, to find out why he did it, if Gary really is a psycho. But we’ve stopped in a little cloakroom outside the science labs. Paul hangs his stuff up. I do the same. He opens the door into a noisy science lab and we walk in.

  .

  David

  I’m sitting in the science lab, feeling nervous, when Knaggs walks in. The bruise on the side of his face is a shiner. He’s got a new girl with him. Looks like a bit of an indie girl. Blonde hair. Nice face. She’s fit as well. And Knaggs has a huge grin on his face. Lucky sod. He’s loving it. He takes her up to the front of the classroom, where Mr H is sitting. Knaggs stands behind the girl. He looks over at us and winks. Mr H smiles at the new girl and then starts talking to her. Knaggs doesn’t come and sit down – he carries on standing behind the girl. He looks over at us again and smiles. And then he puts his hands just behind her, as though he’s holding a pair of imaginary breasts. He blows a kiss and winks.

  Everyone laughs.

  Mr H stops talking to the new girl all of a sudden and looks around. Knaggs doesn’t notice. He’s now got his eyes closed, in an imaginary snog.

  Everyone laughs again and Knaggs opens his eyes, stands up straight.

  ‘Paul,’ says Mr H, ‘go and sit down. I will speak to you after the lesson.’

  Knaggs comes and sits down at the bench, with a pissed-off look on his face. But as soon as he sits, the pissed-off look cracks into a grin.

  ‘Who’s that?’ I ask.

  ‘That, Davey-boy, is my future wife!’ Knaggs says. ‘Zoë.’

  I look at her, standing at the front of the class, talking to Mr H. She looks amazing. I know she’s only in her school uniform, but she looks good. ‘She’s nice,’ I say. ‘Where’d you find her?’

  Knaggs shrugs. ‘She’s in my tutor group – Sharkey asked me to show her round,’ he says. And then he blows a kiss towards her at the front of the classroom. She doesn’t see it.

  ‘Lucky you,’ Joe says.

  Knaggs smiles. ‘Me and Millsy met her on Saturday, didn’t we?’

  Mills nods and smiles. ‘Yeah.’

  Knaggs leans in, like he’s gonna tell us all a really big secret. ‘She came up to us in the park and asked if we knew Gary.’ He laughs.

  ‘What, Gary Wood?’ I ask.

  Knaggs nods. ‘Yeah, can you believe it?’ And he laughs again.

  ‘He kept quiet about her!’ I say.

  ‘I think if I was her, I’d be keeping quiet about him!’ Knaggs says.

  We laugh.

  ‘She isn’t really Wood’s girlfriend, is she?’ Joe asks.

  Knaggs shrugs. ‘Dunno. Doubt it. Why would someone like that even look twice at an ugly runt like Gary Wood?’

  We nod. He’s right.

  Silence falls over our table for a few seconds. I look over at Wood’s seat. It’s empty. I heard a rumour earlier today that he was back in school. Apparently he was outside Mr Moore’s office with his mum. He had a face like thunder, so I heard. But then, I suppose he would. To be honest, I’d prefer it if he didn’t come back today. I don’t really want to see him. Especially if he knows what I said to Mr Moore.

  I turn back to Knaggs, Mills and Joe. ‘Did you hear about Wood?’ I say. ‘Big Rob told me he saw him with his mum outside Moore’s office!’

  Mills and Joe shake their heads.

  ‘I hope they’ve decided to kick him out for good,’ Knaggs says. ‘He’s wrong in the head.’

  We quieten down. Mr H is showing the new girl to her seat. There are only three empty seats in the classroom – Wood’s seat, the seat next to Wood’s and the seat next to Rachel Cluck. Mr H puts her in the seat next to Rachel. Rachel smiles at her.

  Mr H starts the lesson by going through the homework. We have to mark in another colour. Mine isn’t my finest effort – 17 out of 30. At least it’s better than Knaggs’s 12.

  Mr H gathers us round the front of the lab to show us a DVD about gravity and space travel on the interactive whiteboard. Knaggs, me, Mills and Joe sit on the front bench. There’s some crappy music at the start of the programme. We dance around the bench like mental cases. Who chooses the music for these things? Couldn’t they choose something a bit less cheesy? It’s hilarious. Then the voiceover on the video starts droning on about gravity and how rockets launch.

  Knaggs taps me on the shoulder. And when I look round he hits me in the leg with the knuckle of his middle finger. I do the same back to him. Next shot, Knaggs manages to get me in the right spot and gives me a dead leg. I open my mouth and gasp in pain,
try not to make a noise.

  Mr H looks over. ‘Um,’ he says. ‘Boys over there, if you carry on messing about, I will switch off the DVD and you can make notes out of the textbook instead!’

  We stop messing about. He’s never done it before – switched off the DVD, that is – but we aren’t gonna take the chance and end up having to copy out of a book. The programme drones on and on about gravity.

  A few minutes later, the lab door opens. Mr Moore stands there and calls Mr Hambleton over. They talk for a few seconds. Mr Moore turns and leaves and then Mr H walks back into the classroom with Gary Wood. My heartbeat quickens. I feel nervous again. I watch him. He doesn’t look at anyone as he walks in. He just goes over to his place, puts his pencil case down, grabs a stool near the front of the class to watch the DVD. I stare at him. I’m not sure if I want him to look up and see me or not. I don’t know what I’d do – whether I’d smile at him, give him a sympathetic look, or just look away.

  So I look at the DVD again. But I don’t watch it.

  And after a while, I get a poke in the ribs. Knaggs. He points over at Wood. ‘He hasn’t said hello to his girlfriend!’ he whispers.

  I pretend to laugh.

  For the rest of the DVD, I keep turning to have a quick look at Wood, to see if he’s looking at me. But he’s just looking down, at the floor or something.

  When it’s finished, Mr H tells us to go back to our places. Michael C hands out some textbooks, one between two. Paige hands out some photocopies of Mr H’s handwritten questions about what was on the DVD.

  ‘Use the textbook to help you with any questions you’re not sure of,’ he says.

  I look over at Wood. He’s still keeping his head down. I don’t think he’s said anything to anyone since he came into the lab. I don’t think he’s even looked at anyone. He’s already writing something down. He has his textbook open in front of him. Then I look round at the new girl, Zoë. She’s writing as well. But she keeps looking around, towards Wood. Maybe Knaggs is right. Maybe she is Wood’s girlfriend.

  I settle down, answer the first couple of questions by looking up the answers in the textbook. It’s quiet in the lab. But after a couple of minutes, Knaggs whispers my name and then Mills’s name. We look up at him. He points at Wood with a finger on his left hand and then at the new girl with a finger on his right hand. Then he brings the tips of his fingers together and makes them kiss.

  We laugh.

  He lays the finger of his right hand on the bench and puts the finger of his left hand on top. He makes the fingers hump each other.

  We laugh again. But I stop. I feel guilty. I look over at Wood. Still working.

  ‘Quiet!’ calls Mr H.

  So we’re quiet. We just look at each other and giggle instead. All the while, Wood doesn’t look up from his work. And all the while, the new girl keeps turning round to look at him.

  As the lesson goes on, the noise level goes up. At first Mr H shushes us, but after a while he doesn’t bother. Knaggs takes his chance.

  ‘Oi, Wood,’ he says. ‘You didn’t tell us you had a girlfriend.’

  Wood doesn’t look up. He concentrates really hard on his work.

  ‘She’s pretty fit actually,’ Knaggs says. ‘I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting!’ He laughs.

  I look away for a second, as though I haven’t heard him. I don’t want to be a part of this. Not again. Wood’s still sitting there, looking at his book. He’s not writing any more, though.

  ‘Hey, Wood,’ Knaggs says.

  Wood doesn’t look up from his work.

  ‘Does Zoë know that if she has kids with you, they’ll be mixed race? Half human, half cheese puff!’

  Wood looks up at the mention of Zoë’s name. He looks at Knaggs. He looks like he did last week, angry as hell. ‘Grow up, Knaggs,’ he says. And he turns back to his work.

  We all try to get on with our work again. All except Knaggs. He looks over at Zoë on the other side of the lab and then at Wood.

  ‘Zoë,’ he says loudly, almost shouting.

  I try to catch Knaggs’s eye, to stop him. He ignores me.

  Zoë turns round. So do most of the class.

  ‘Did you know your new boyfriend is mental? Did you know he’s got to go and get his head read by a shrink?’

  Everyone looks at Zoë. She just sits there, her mouth open. She looks at Knaggs, then Wood, and finally Mr H.

  ‘That’s enough, Paul,’ Mr H says. ‘You will see me at the end of the lesson and you will explain yourself!’

  And then, as everyone turns to look at Knaggs, to see his reaction, there’s the sound of a stool being scraped backwards over the lab floor. Wood stands up. I expect him to come over and smack Knaggs in the face again. But he doesn’t. He flings his pen down on to the bench and then marches out of the lab, without looking at anyone.

  .

  Zoë

  The door shuts and Gary’s gone. No one moves. No one does a thing. Not even the teacher. They all just sit there, looking at each other, looking at me, looking at the door. This isn’t right. Someone’s got to do something. I stand up, send my stool skidding back behind me. The classroom’s silent. I can tell everyone’s looking at me. I head towards the door.

  ‘No, Zoë,’ the teacher says. ‘Stay here, please. Leave Gary be.’

  I stop in my tracks, look at the teacher. For God’s sake. This is unbelievable. I sigh. Someone has to go after him. I look over at Paul Knaggs. He’s got a stupid bloody grin on his face. How can he? What an arsehole! I shake my head at him and he just smiles even wider.

  I can feel myself going red now. Everyone’s looking at me, like I’m weird. On my first day. I don’t believe this. I must still be asleep. Please let this be a dream. A nightmare.

  ‘Sit down, please, Zoë,’ the teacher says.

  I sigh. I go back to my stool and sit down. I want the floor to open up and swallow me.

  He carries on with the rest of the lesson like nothing’s happened, just like normal. Except it feels a bit weird in here. Tense. Everyone seems nervous. It’s quiet. But I can tell that everyone is whispering about it, sniggering, looking over at me.

  Rachel turns to me. ‘Are you all right?’

  I sigh. ‘I dunno.’

  I sit and wait for the lesson to end.

  .

  As soon as the bell goes, I get straight out of the lab, grab my stuff from the cloakroom and get out of the school building. Into the playground. Take great big lungfuls of air. I need it. I can’t believe what’s just happened. Could it possibly have been any worse? I’m in shock, I think. I don’t know what to do. I want to just leave. Go home. Back to London.

  I think about going and finding Gary. He seemed like he needed someone. It’s his first day back. And it’s all gone wrong again. But I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know my way round the school. I’ve got no chance of finding someone who doesn’t want to be found.

  So I just walk round the playground instead. And Gary’s not there. Just a load of kids, staring at me like I have some kind of disease. This is not good. This is very, very bad. I’m an outcast.

  .

  Gary

  I knew it would be like this. The same as before. Knew it. I knew Paul Knaggs would be just the same as he was. I knew he’d take the mickey as soon as he saw me again. It’s gonna be even worse than it was before. There’s nothing that I can do about it. See, cos when Mr Moore found out about me hitting him the other day, Knaggs thinks that it was me grassing him up for taking the piss out of me. That’s not how it happened. Mr Moore found me. In the corridor. He must have been able to tell that something was wrong, cos he took me into his office. And I didn’t say nothing. It weren’t till bloody Knaggs came in that he realised what happened. But Knaggs don’t know that. He thinks I just ran cryi
ng to Mr Moore. And now he’s gonna make me pay.

  And I don’t know what I can do about it. I haven’t got a clue. I can’t go and tell anyone, can’t go and tell Mr Moore. The teachers wouldn’t do nothing anyway. They probably wouldn’t believe me. They think I’m mad anyway. They want me to go and see a shrink. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am mad. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t handle it when Knaggs was saying all that shit. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t say nothing back to him, why I couldn’t even think of nothing to say, why I just got angrier and angrier and had to hit something so I didn’t explode.

  I could hit Knaggs again. It’s what Dad would tell me to do. And I’m stronger than Knaggs. I could punch him so hard he can’t say nothing else ever again. So he can’t even think nothing else. Except if I do that, I’ll know I’m mad. They’ll definitely make me go and see a shrink then. They’ll bring a straitjacket for me and chuck me in the back of a van and take me away – to the loony bin or to the cops. Lock me up. You know, that’s what Mr Moore said: ‘You’re lucky that we don’t involve the police in this matter, Gary.’

  And I know I can’t just ignore it. Every time Knaggs says something, every time he looks at me with that smirk on his face, it makes my blood boil, my head ache. I can’t help it. I can’t ignore him. The only way to shut him up is to hit him. It’s the only thing that works.

  So maybe I just won’t come in. Maybe I’ll skive off school for the rest of my life. Put on a voice, phone up the school and say I’m ill or something. Cos I have to do something.

  .

  Zoë

  The bell goes. End of my first day at Wendham High School. The worst day of my life. Probably. But I’ve survived it, just about. Even though everyone now probably thinks I’m some kind of weirdo. Rachel’s sweet, though. She’s got such a quiet voice, really nervous.

  When we get out of the school, she shows me to the field, to wait for the coach back home. I walk over to where the other people from Wallingham are waiting. And I see him. For the first time since this morning, in science. Gary. He’s standing there at the bus stop, with his head down. He looks pretty much suicidal. I stand there for a bit. Thinking. I’ve already made myself look like enough of a social retard for one day. Maybe I should just leave Gary there on his own, pretend like I haven’t noticed him. Maybe he is just trouble. Maybe it was me that misunderstood him, not everyone else. But I can’t do it. I can’t ignore him. He’s a human being. And besides, I can’t really make myself look much worse than I already have. So I go over.