I spot Kate sitting near the small creek that cuts across the back part of her land. She looks so beautiful with the wind blowing her long blond hair. She’s wearing jeans and long sleeved purple shirt. She turns around to see me when she hears the horse gallop up. She has her sunglasses on, but I can tell she’s crying, her nose is all pink and her wet cheeks glisten in the sun. I hop off of Mia, letting her roam around with Tiara.
“Hi, sunshine,” I say as I sit down behind her and pull her into my chest. She leans her head against my shoulder, but she’s tense and stiff. “Kate, please talk to me. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I’m hurting, too, Kate. She was my daughter, too. Tell me how to help you through this.”
“Luke, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not strong enough for the both of us. I brought you out of your black hole so many times in such a short period that I can’t find my own light.”
I move so I can see her profile and hope she will look at me. “What are you trying to say?” I ask as I bite my lower lip. I clench my hands into fists. I feel like I am going to lose it. She can’t push me away. My head is starting to spin. I can feel sweat trickle down my temples.
“I’m saying I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?” I can hear my voice starting to get a little rough.
“I can’t do us. I can’t make us work. I was able to work with your sense of propriety to be with me because of the baby. But, now since there is no baby, you don’t have to make such an effort to be with me.”
“Whoa…Whoa…Whoa…” I cup her face in the palm of my hands. Pleading with my eyes for her to think this through…think us through. “Where in the hell is this coming from? I want to be with you whether there are a dozen babies or no babies. I just want you, and I’ve always wanted you. Sunshine, I love you more than life itself. Don’t do this, don’t break us.”
She twists her face out of my hands. She picks up the blade of grass and pulls it apart. “Luke, I can’t give you what you want. I’m so wrong for you on so many levels that I can’t do this. I have two girls who’ve watched their mom spiral out of control. I need to focus on them for a while. I only have so much strength in me, and dealing with you and me…I can’t do it.”
“You don’t have to deal. I’ll handle it for the both of us. I love you. We can make this work. Why are you pushing me away?” I pull her sunglasses off her sunken face, and her lifeless eyes with dark circles under them. “Kate, I love you, and the love we both have will get us through this. We can be better than we were before.”
“That’s the thing, Luke…I. Don’t. Love. You. So, will you please just go, and leave me alone.” The words are daggers piercing my heart. She was emotionless when she said those words to me. I sit and stare at her, hoping she’ll say she was joking, or take it back. She doesn’t move or say anything, so I stand up, taking my pride with me. I lean down and kiss her head. “I love you, sunshine. Always,” I mumble to her. I whistle for Mia to come, and I jump in the saddle and ride Mia back to her stall.
Walking into her house, knowing I won’t be back, hurts like hell. I’ve been through so much hell in my short life, but hearing the love of my life tell me she doesn’t love me, hurts like a motherfucker.
I grab my duffle bag and throw some of my things into the bag. Going back down the stairs, I walk over to the girls and give them each a kiss on the cheek, telling them I have to go away for a little bit. Nana looks at me with worry. I just give her a small smile, telling the girls to take care of their Momma.
Julia and Nicole say their goodbyes and I walk out to my truck with my heart cut open. I quickly get a hold of myself, since I’m about to see Gary to get evidence that will hopefully open my sunshine’s beautiful eyes.
I meet Gary at the office, where he lays down a manila folder. “Everything that you need is in this file. I followed Keith Caldwell around for fifteen days, I think I have more than enough to incriminate him on many charges,” Gary says as he sits back in his seat. Our only hope was that we would have footage of him in the stables, but the thunderstorm knocked out the cameras and we weren’t able to get anything. After the creepy peeping tom routine he pulled, I had more cameras installed in the front and back of her clinic. I gave Gary that footage from the clinic’s cameras, hoping he could spot something during that time period. I’ve watched it a number of times, but didn’t see anything.
Opening the file I see a lot of eight by ten photographs. It appears Keith has been indulging in some extravagant splurges. He has several pictures with Keith and some prostitutes. My favorite is of Keith and the women, sitting around some table, snorting coke. I knew there was a reason for his erratic change in behavior. Kate kept telling me there was something going on. More pictures of him drinking, and snorting coke. I get to the last three. I hold it up trying to decipher what I’m looking at.
“Mr. Ashton, the footage you gave me from the cameras at the front and back of the clinic was hard to see at night, plus in a rainstorm the visual acuity degrades substantially. I took the footage to a buddy of mine that can break down each second into pictures. He caught a brief glimpse of a car on the side of the road. Luckily, the car was in such a position to zoom in and catch the license plate. Now, the picture is extremely grainy, but if you look closely, those are the five digits of Keith’s tag. Another thing, Kate’s horse ingested Hemlock Conium. Mr. Ashton, that plant doesn’t grow in Florida. Someone did his research on what could hurt a horse and went through the trouble of getting it. I looked into Keith’s phone records. I was able to see Keith called a nursery in Europe where Hemlock is grown. I called the nursery to see if any Hemlock has been shipped to Florida in the last six weeks. They gave me a date for an order that was received four days prior to the incident.”
Fucking Asshole! I sit back in the chair and stare at the pictures in disbelief. I can’t believe the bastard went through so much to hurt Kate. Flipping back and forth through the pictures, I hear Gary is talking, but I’ve stopped paying attention. I need to get a hold of Beth and figure out what to do. “Mr. Ashton, is there any other services you need?”
I stand up and shake Gary’s hand. “No, thank you very much. This is exactly what I needed. Grabbing the folder and pictures, I walk Gary out to his truck. I pull my phone out, hoping to see a text or missed call from her, but I don’t. I call Beth to tell her what I have. She agrees to meet me tonight at the local coffee shop.
Since I have nowhere to go, I drive around town thinking. To begin with, where the hell am I going to stay? I can’t kick my daughter and her roommates out of the house. I still have things at Kate’s, but right now I have no need for them. I call Nick, Brody’s brother, and see if I can crash at his place.
“What’s up, Luke the Duke?”
“Nick, hey, man. Listen, Kate and I are having some issues and I need a place to crash. Can I stay at your place for a while?”
“Damn, man, I’m sorry to hear that, but you know you are more than welcome to stay here, as long as you don’t mind the couch. I’m actually at the firehouse. If you can swing by, I’ll leave the keys for you.”
“Thanks, Nick, I appreciate it. I’ll be by tonight.”
“Later, Luke.”
“See ya.”
With a stop at the store and some drive thru dinner, I’m on my way to the coffee shop to meet Beth. She’s already sitting at a table with her tablet. It tears me up; I’ve grown to adore all of these people that love Kate. After tonight, all these people will have sided with Kate.
“Hey, Beth,” I say as I approach the table. The reaction on her face wasn’t one I was expecting.
“Luke, umm you alright? Because you look like shit.”
“Thanks for the lovely compliment. Today was hard. Kate ended things with us.”
“Oh fuck a duck, Luke, I’m so sorry. Did she say why?”
“She claims she doesn’t love me, and she can’t do us anymore.”
“Bullshit! You have to know she is lying to you. That wo
man has never loved another man the way she loves you.” She grabs my hands and tries to hold them in her small hands. “Luke, give her time. I know how men think, you remind me of my Grant. Every time we failed at getting pregnant. I cried and cried. He buried his grief to help me through it, when in reality I wanted him to grieve right along with me. Sometimes it’s all right to not be the strong one. Sometimes it’s necessary for both to be weak together, especially with what you two went through.”
I give her a half smile. “Are you sure you’re not a psychologist? Our therapist said the same thing. I just don’t know how to be weak and grieve. I was trained not to, to move on. It’s been five weeks.”
“Luke, it’s been five weeks, but honey, for Kate it feels like five minutes. She’s reliving those moments over and over in her head and they won’t go away until she’s ready to stop replaying those moments. Time will heal her, and I know she’ll come back. She’s a toughie!”
“Thanks, Beth. Then, will you do something for her?”
“Sure, honey, what is it?”
I pass her the manila folder. “I hired a private investigator a couple weeks after the incident. What happened to Kara was not an accident, someone purposely came onto Kate’s property and hurt the horse.”
“Luke, the police searched everything, there was nothing to find.”
“They wouldn’t find anything because an ex-cop did the work.”
Beth almost choked on her coffee. “Wait, you think Keith did this? He couldn’t have. I know he can be an ass, but he’s not malicious. I’ve known the man for five years; he helps, protects and serves our community.”
While Beth rants about how almighty Keith is, I open the file and pull out the pictures of Keith with white powder to his nose. “It’s because of this shit. Look… two weeks’ worth of photos, Beth, the fucktard is high on cocaine. Of course, he would turn around and add alcohol to the mix.” I throw down the picture of him with bottles of the hard shit around him. “You have one messed up asshole, who, for some damn reason, wants to make our lives hell.”
She looks at the pictures and her face goes completely white. “Luke, this is serious.”
“Fuck yeah it is, and this right here,” I pull out the picture of his license plate, “is his car leaving the road in front of Kate’s clinic minutes before our world crumbled. Beth, I want his ass in jail, no probation shit, or bail. The fucker killed my daughter. I’ll never see justice because he took away my daughter and the woman I love, but my daughter deserves justice. She deserved the right to come into this world. I want justice for what was denied to her.”
Beth looks at me and blinks away the tears. “Luke, I’m so sorry. If I knew he had a drug problem, or he was capable of doing this, you have to know I would have stopped it.” She pulls a napkin from the dispenser on our table and wipes away the tears sliding down her cheek. “My best friend lost her baby because I didn’t fight hard enough.”
I put my finger under her chin and make her look at me. “NO ONE is to blame except Keith! You have no idea of how many ‘what ifs’ keep playing in my mind. I should’ve pulled her out of that stall when I knew something bad was going to happen. Beth, I can’t think like that anymore, it will send me somewhere dark, and I can’t go there. I’m so close to falling into my black hole. I’m trying to hold on to the littlest bit of strength I have left to get me through this. So, please, for Kate and me, please see what you can do with this. I’ll handle all the court fees and whatever expenses you need, but I need justice for Luka.”
She puts the pictures back in the folder and closes it then folds her hands on the folder and looks at me. “I will get on this right away and see what I can do. I’m going to need the name and number of your private investigator.”
Sliding out of the chair, I pull my wallet out and give her his business card. “Here. Thanks, Beth, for doing this for Kate.”
She stands up and gives me a hug. “It’s for you, too, Luke.”
She grabs her things and we walk out of the coffee shop. I get in my truck and head to Nick’s firehouse.
TODAY IS ELLA’S baby shower. I can’t believe it’s March already. I don’t mean to be a Debby Downer, but I really don’t want to go. It makes me sick to my stomach to think the last time we were all together was Christmas Eve and we were all pregnant for at least a little while, until Beth gave birth to Maddie. I’m so very happy for my girlfriends, but at the same time, I don’t want to go shower her with pink things, knowing my baby girl will never wear pink.
It’s been a month since I last saw and talked to Luke. It’s like he vanished. A part of me was hoping he would give me a day then come back to me. I know I was a heartless bitch. I hate myself for hurting him and seeing the look on his face when I told him I didn’t love him will be the death of me. The thing is I do love him; I love him more today than I did when he first told me he loved me.
Ironically, Leah has helped me through some of it. We’ve talked a lot since I ran into her at Target a couple weeks ago. She couldn’t believe Luke and I were over.
With the girls in tow, I’m walking to my truck when I see Brody’s black Range Rover pull up my driveway. I haven’t seen Brody in months, what the hell is he doing here? I ask the girls to go play on their swing set until I call them.
Brody jumps out of the car and walks to me. He even gives me a hug, which is strange. “Kate, I’m so sorry, if I would have known sooner, I would have come by.”
What the hell? “I’m sorry, Brody, what are you talking about?”
“The baby, Kate, I just heard from Nick that you and Luke lost the baby.”
Whoa, wait a minute I lost the baby almost nine weeks ago and he is just finding this out? “You mean Luke never told you?”
“No, he told me you guys broke up, but he never mentioned the loss of his daughter until yesterday when he handed me this to give to you.” He hands me a letter. “Kate, please go and see him. I’m so scared he will go back to what he did to cope before. He’s drinking like a fish again, and I don’t want to see him go through what he did after the war.”
“Brody, what happened to him? All he has ever called it was his dark place, how dark was it?”
“Oh, Kate, it was bad. I honestly believe, if it weren’t for Danika, he wouldn’t be here today. After he came home from San Antonio, he was in a ton of pain. He turned to the painkillers. He blocked out the pain and the nightmares with pills. Then it became pills and booze. He stopped going to his meetings and support groups. He wouldn’t look at himself in a mirror. He would only wear long sleeve shirts. His mother almost had a heart attack when he was wearing a flannel shirt at our Fourth of July barbecue. Then to torture himself, he decided to get tattoos to cover up the skin grafts. The doctor didn’t recommend it, said it would be terribly painful. I went with him to get the tribal one done first. I think the tattoo artist was crying because she knew how much pain he was in. But, he fought the pain tooth and nail, as if he deserved such torture to his body. Kate, he’s doing it again. The drinking and tattoos, I’m worried he might be on the pills again. Please, talk to him. He misses you terribly.”
I swallow the huge lump in my throat hating myself even more. “I…uh…Brody, how long ago did he go through all this?”
“It was maybe a year after he came home from the hospital. My nights consisted of me talking to him, trying to push him to get the help he needed.”
“How did he get the help?”
“Danika did it. For a young teenager she was extremely knowledgeable and brave. She held an intervention at my aunt’s house. Everyone was there, but it took Danika crying her eyes out to her dad. He finally saw the damage he was doing to his body and to his daughter. That night he checked himself into a drug and alcohol facility. This time, though I’m worried he’s putting on a good act around Danika, plus she doesn’t see him that much.”
“What do you mean she doesn’t see him? Where did he go, where has he been?”
“He’s been living on my
brother’s couch. Until recently he has been sleeping on the floor at the job site we’ve been on. He’s remodeling a winter home on the beach for a couple up north. Now, do you see why I am worried?”
“Why didn’t he go back home?”
“Kate, this was his home, here with you. He wasn’t going to ask his daughter and roommates to move out. He kept hoping you would want him back.”
My chest is squeezing the breath out of me. My knees are trembling. I can only pray that I didn’t mess this up. That Luke isn’t on the pills. “Brody, you have to tell me where he is. I’ll make this right.”
He pulls out his cell phone and text me the address of the house he’s remodeling and his brother’s home address. “These are the two places he should be at. Then again, he may tell you more in the letter.”
He leans into me and gives me another hug. “I don’t know two people who are more stubborn than you two. You both love one another, be together. Who said any of this love stuff was easy, but it’s worth the fight to have it.”
“Thanks, Brody,” is all I can mutter.
Looking over at the girls, who are swinging on their see-saw swing, I open the letter. It smells like saw dust and is written in pencil. I picture it’s the pencil he sometimes perches behind his ear when he’s measuring. Or how his jeans hang so low on his waist because his pockets are full of what not while he’s working. Standing here staring at the envelope, I start to cry; I miss him so much and I love him so much. I’m scared I might be too late.
I open the envelope and lean against my truck.
I flip through the next couple pages and it is the song What Hurts the Most. He wrote all the lyrics out for me to read, what he felt for me. I know this song, but to read the lyrics feeling Luke’s pain is so much more. I know what I need to do. I pull out my phone and try calling him. Damn it! I get his voicemail. I leave a message telling him to call me. Next I call my mom, who’s going to Ella’s baby shower.
“Hi, baby girl.”
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