“Mom, where are you?”
“I’m on my way to Ella’s. Why?”
“I need you to take the girls for me, something has come up and I can’t go.”
“Kate, you need to put your feelings aside and think of Ella for a couple hours. I know this is hard—”
“Mom!” I cut her off. “It’s Luke, he’s in trouble and needs me. I need to fix this.”
“Alright, I’m almost to her house.”
“I’ll just meet you there. I will give my apologies to Ella about why I can’t stay. Will you bring the girls home with you?”
“Of course. Kate, are you guys alright?”
“Mom, we will be. See you soon.”
“See you soon.”
I hang up. Change of plans, girls, you are going to the baby shower with Gamma.”
They clap their hands and chant Gamma’s name over and over. I can see where I stand on the totem pole. Geez, I wish I got that kind of attention. With the girls buckled in their seats, I haul ass to Ella’s.
Once they are with my mother, I try calling Luke again. Straight to voicemail, again. He’s either ignoring me or working and not paying attention to his phone. I can either head east towards the beach for a forty-five minute drive, or I can head west toward downtown, which is a thirty minute drive. I listen to my heart; I have a feeling he is at the beach house. I program the address in my GPS and drive towards Luke.
FIFTY MINUTES LATER I pull up to the house and fist pump the air when I see Luke’s truck in the driveway. The house looks like something that should be condemned. There are boards over the windows, the stucco is chipped and covered in mildew. The roof has blue tarps all over it. There isn’t a garage door, so you can see into the garage. There are wires hanging where the coach lights should be. The front porch roof looks like it will fall any minute. There are missing stairs up to the porch. This place looks like it’s been through several hurricanes and never got remodeled.
I walk to the side of the house, where I can see the sand dunes. This place has potential; it has a gorgeous view of the ocean. I walk around back, hearing the saw going. When I turn the corner, my heart falls into my stomach. I worked so hard to block Luke out of my mind, but seeing him, it’s like I’m breathing again. I take in a few deep breaths and stare at him. He has an amazing backside. I lick my lips as I watch him bend over the saw table and cut boards. He has on a white shirt, already showing sweat through it. He has on his work jeans that are so worn and faded, but sit perfectly on those hips of his. I can see the imprint of the tape measure in his back pocket.
Once the saw turns off, “Luke,” I slowly say his name in a soft voice. He turns around and stands, stunned. He pulls his aviators off his face and carefully sets them on the table.
“Sunshine,” he whispers, almost like he doesn’t believe I’m really here. I run to him and he picks me up, pulling me close to his body. The immediate jolt of closeness and electricity between us feels like the wind was knocked out of me.
I start to cry into his neck. “Luke, I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me.”
“It’s not your fault, baby, it was mine. It’s why I never called you. I felt you hated me for not being more for you. I promise to make it better, if you’ll take me back.”
“That’s why I’m here. I need you back, Luke. I love you; I never stopped loving you. Losing Luka hurt so badly, and I felt guilty for what happened, that I didn’t deserve your love because I killed our daughter. I’m so sor…”
He puts his finger over my lips. “Don’t say it, Kate. It wasn’t your fault. It is what it is. We had a short time with her, but she will always be in our heart. I know you want me to grieve with you, but I can’t shed any more tears for her. I wasn’t built like that. I cried the moment when she was taken, but I can’t do it anymore.”
“I’m not asking you to cry with me. I miss her terribly, but I’m all right, Luke. I’m worried about you, though.”
He puts me down. He lifts my chin with his finger, and I see the beautiful green eyes I’ve missed so much. “Why?” is the only word that comes out of his mouth.
“Brody told me what you went through after you were injured. He and Nick are worried you are going down that path again. Are you?”
He steps away from me, turns around and kicks a bucket of scrap wood clear across the backyard. “FUCK!” he yells as he runs his hands through his hair. I jump as he shouts, but I know he would never hurt me. I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I push my face against his back. Even sweaty, he smells heavenly to me.
“Babe, if you’re using again, we can work it out.”
He turns back, grabs me by the waist and hauls me up against him. I wrap my legs around his waist. He pushes me against the wall of the house, hungrily kissing me. Teeth clatter, tongues wrestle, and lips become swollen by the fierceness of his kiss. He runs his fingers into my hair and moans. He pulls away from our kiss. “Kate, I’m not using pills. Baby, you are my only addiction. I need you so bad; just the image of you was what got me through the need of the pills. I did get drunk, but I needed something to momentarily numb the pain. But I never turned to the pills, and I’m not turning to alcohol either. Those were brief moments. I wouldn’t hurt you like that. I wouldn’t taint our love with that poison”
“I love you. I love you so damn much it hurts to breathe. You told me in your letter to fall, and you would catch me. Well, now that you caught me, please, don’t ever let go.”
“I’m never letting you go, no matter how many times we fall into hell, no matter what shitty things are thrown our way. I’ll never let you go, and we’ll get through those obstacles together. I love you, sunshine!”
He holds me up by my ass and walks me into the house. “Wait, where are we going?”
Right by the sorry excuse for French doors lays an air mattress. “You’ve been sleeping in this house? It smells like a dirty, mildewed hamper.”
He lays me down on the air mattress and goes to open the other set of French doors. “I only stayed here if I was too tired to go to Nick’s.”
“Luke, come home. We want you home, I want you back in our bed.” I say as I stare up at his delicious body.
“Oh, I’m coming home alright.” He winks as he grabs the back of his shirt and pulls it up. Once his shirt is over his head, I gasp. Oh shit! Luke did get more tattoos.
I try to unravel myself from my maxi dress that has twisted around my body. I stand up to look at his tattoos. “When did you get these?” I inquire as I trace the words against his ribs. He had tattoo over his new skin, the skin that is the most sensitive. “Did it hurt, babe?”
He grunts at my questions. “I got this one done,” he points to his rib cage, “a few days after we separated. Then this one,” he points to his chest right over his heart. I got about two weeks ago.” They’re beautiful. Luke’s body is a walking billboard for his emotions.
I look at all the tattoos covering his body. They’re sentiments that remind him every day of the man he is, the man he was and the man he continues to strive to be. I kiss the tattoo over his heart. With tears in my eyes I look up at him. “They’re beautiful, Luke, just like you.”
“I’m glad you like them. To answer your question, this one hurt like hell. I had it done in three sessions because the pain was intense.” He mutters, as he glides his hand over the writing. I gaze at the tattoo on his rib cage. It’s four lines of writing with angel wings surrounding the paragraph, like parentheses. The poem reads: An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book “Too beautiful for earth.” Underneath it he has our daughter’s name. I rub my finger over her name. Seeing it brings me peace. Seeing the wings brings me hope that she’s watching over us.
I kiss his chest again and rub my fingers over the tattoo placed right over his heart. It’s a black horseshoe in the middle of a beautiful sun. The sunrays are in different hues of oranges, pinks, yellows, and reds. Then inside the horseshoe is m
y name.
“Why would you tattoo my name on your body?”
He brings my hands to his mouth and kisses my palms. Then leans down to kiss my lips. He pulls back just enough to whisper, “Because even if you never took me back, you made me the luckiest man ever just to have known and been with you.”
“Oh, Luke,” is all I can manage as I grab his head and pull him down with me as we lie on the air mattress. We kiss until we have no feelings in our lips. He stands up and unbuttons his jeans, pushes them down along with his boxers, sock, and boots. I sit up and pull my dress over my head, unsnap and yank my bra off then I lie down to pull my panties down.
“Let me,” Luke purrs, hooking his thumbs in my panties and pulls them down my thighs. The air mattress lifts me up as he lies at the end of the makeshift bed, where he spreads my knees farther apart. “I’ve missed your taste, sunshine,” he mumbles against my bare skin. The goose bumps are riveting up my back. The feel of him licking and tormenting my clit, makes me shake and stir underneath him.
“Luke, no more. I need you inside me.”
He looks overwhelmed. “Baby, I don’t have a condom on me.”
I sit up, grabbing his shoulders and pull him down on me. I grab his hard cock and place it at my sex, and breathe out, “It’s all right. I’m on the pill.” Those words are all he needs, and he thrusts into me and we move in synchronized motions. After all this time away, our bodies still know one another, confirming we were meant for one another. He buries his face into my neck and kisses my jaw.
“I’ve missed you so much, Kate. God, baby, don’t ever leave me again,” he mumbles against my skin.
“I’m not going anywhere, love. I missed you, too,” I say, breathlessly. As our bodies move, tears prick my eyes as I remember the last time we had made love. It was moments before we lost Luka. We’ve overcome so many obstacles in our short time together. I wrap my legs around his waist. “Harder, Luke, I need it harder.”
He pushes himself up, looks into my eyes, and thrusts his body harder into mine. Feeling his cock buried deeper in me, the realization that he’s real, and he’s finally home, overcomes me. “Oh, Luke.”
“I want your eyes on me, Kate, come with me, baby.” Seconds later we release together and fall into each other’s arms. “Welcome home, Luke…welcome home.” I whisper to him.
“There’s no greater place than home, sunshine. Thank you for letting me come back,” he whispers into my ear. We lie on the mattress for hours, with another couple rounds of hot steamy love thrown in. We end up watching the spring showers roll in over the ocean. After the storm passed, we got dressed, and Luke cleaned up his tools to put in the truck before I headed to my mom’s to get the girls.
“I’ll see you at home,” Luke says, as he walks me to the truck.
“I’ll see you at home,” I confirm. I drive back home; secure knowing things are going to start looking up. I know it won’t be happy faces and rainbows all the time, but hopefully, Luke and I can start over and move forward from tragedy, together.
THE LAST COUPLE months have been a maze of mirrors for us. Just when we thought things were good and we were on the right path, we would walk smack dab into a reflecting wall. It takes us some time to get our senses in order and try again. Things aren’t perfect, and we still aren’t out of this maze, but I see the exit sign. It’s close; I can feel it. We just have a little ways to go. Then hopefully, we’ll never have to enter this hell of a carnival ride again.
Back in March when Kate asked me to come home, things picked up right where we left off. She was back to work, working decent hours since she added Erik to her practice. The girls were doing better in school, and I was still working on the beach house. My hours were long, but as long as I went to bed with Kate and woke up next to her I was a happy man.
Beth followed through and presented our case to a DA. Shortly after we had our talk, Keith was picked up for a DUI. He was in jail. When the DA hit his lawyers with the evidence we had on him, Keith wasn’t looking at bail. He has a court date coming up, but the DA reassures us he will be charged with cruelty to animals, convicted and sentenced to jail.
A small part of me feels a little bad for the man. Here he had the perfect wife, the perfect daughters, perfect job, and perfect life, but he let it all go to hell with cheating, gambling, drugs, and alcohol. How does someone fall that hard and fast? Like I said a very, very small part of me feels bad. The bigger part of me, would love to tear him apart for what he did to Kate and me, but like Beth reminded me, time does heal; it doesn’t make the memory go away, but the pain doesn’t hurt so bad.
After all the Keith shit, things started to get better. For the girls’ spring break, we took them on a Disney Cruise. It was an amazing week. Kate and I got to have our time alone while the girls enjoyed the clubs on the cruise. When it was the four of us, we had a great time. I’ll never forget the moment we were swimming in the ocean, and Julia kept trying to get my attention while I was holding Kate in the water. Julia swims up to me and says, “Daddy, stop kissing Momma, and watch Nini and I swim like mermaids!” I almost dropped Kate into the water. I couldn’t believe what she said.
“Well, she got your attention, and she showed you not to tune her out.” Kate laughed at my expression.
I put Kate back on her feet and swam to the girls, pulling them both to me. “Girls, you know, I’m not your daddy. I think it’s nice you want to call me Daddy, but I’m not.”
“Well, our daddy is gone for a long time. And every home needs a daddy. You’re in my home, so you’re my daddy,” Nicole explains sweetly to me.
“Joey has two daddies, so we can have two daddies, too.”
“They’re smart girls, Luke!” Kate laughs as she pops out of the water next to us.
“How did you hear that if you’re under water?”
She stood up and walked to the girls and me. “I don’t need to hear everything to feel it and see it. You’ve been more a part of their lives in the last eight months than the man who gave them life. Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a daddy.” She murmurs in my ear. “They asked me, and I don’t have a problem with it as long as you don’t. Like Julia says, Joey has two daddies, why can’t they?”
I hugged the girls tighter and I told them I love them. Even with everything we saw and conquered on our cruise, I have to say that moment goes down in the memory book for me. I’m completely humbled and honored to have these girls in my life.
Like I said, things were going smoothly for us. We had a great vacation, came back to routine and then, BAM! We crash into a mirror. This time the impact hurt Kate and me. It took us going back to therapy to get back to the right direction. When we returned home from our cruise, Ella gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Carly Jane was the spitting image of her mother: a full head of dark brown hair and big brown eyes. She was adorable. Kate was so strong. I couldn’t have been more proud of her. We didn’t go to the hospital until after the baby was born. She didn’t feel comfortable sitting in the waiting room with her friends and Ella’s family. Especially, since Kate continues to compare where she would be if she were pregnant. She would have been in her third trimester by now. Knowing our baby’s due date is fast approaching is difficult. It’s hard for me to comprehend because I can’t carry life. I try my best to give her what she needs. But, I pray for time to hurry by. I pray for June to pass, so we can move on, but our therapist has told me during a solo visit that just because her due date passes doesn’t mean she will stop. She’ll continue to compare where Luka would have been at each stage, her first crawl, walk, word, table foods, first birthday, preschool, and so on. I guess in a way I was naive to think we could move on after her due date, in a sense we’ll always wonder. I just wish it wasn’t so hard for Kate.
She held Carly Jane in her arms and just gazed at the beautiful baby girl, all swaddled in pink. Ella and Chris were very quiet when Kate was holding her. I stood behind the rocking chair with a hand on her shoulder. She
looked up to me with a smile and tears in her eyes, and my heart cracked. I would have given anything to take away her pain. She kissed Carly’s pink cap and whispered, “I love you, Carly Jane,” and passed her to Chris. She walked to Ella, hugging her goodbye. As soon as we stepped into the hallway she burst into sobs. I picked her up and carried her to the chapel. We sat in the tiny stained glass room and held each other as she cried.
The next day was hard for Kate. The impact to that mirror was hard; so hard it threw us both on our asses. It felt like we were back at the start of the maze again. I had no clue how to help her. Our therapist says what she’s experiencing is normal, and to grin and bear it. Just talk. But what the hell do I talk about? I feel like our lives have been consumed with Luka coming and leaving our lives. Out of the nine months Kate and I have been together the last seven have been about Luka. For me, and I know I sound heartless, but I have to move on. I’ll always remember her and I’ll always think about her, but I can’t keep tormenting myself with Luka’s death.
I walk out to the stables where Kate is checking up on the horses. I can hear the music blaring. She is listening to Evanescence’s Bring Me to Life. It surprises me that my country girl is listening to rock.
I turn the corner in the stall to see she is grooming Kara. Kara’s scars have healed. I only wish our scars have healed as well as hers. I look at Kate brushing Kara. Seeing her in that stall is a stab to my heart. My mind flips back to that night. If only I’d grabbed her out of there. Kate lifts her head up and sees me standing on the other side of the bars. I look at my beautiful girl and watch more tears stream down her cheeks. The tears alone gut me. I put my hands on the bar and press my forehead against the cool metal, and just watch her. She lowers her head and goes back to grooming Kara. I notice she has the song on repeat. When I see her collect her grooming utensils into a bucket, I walk over to her iPod dock and turn off the blaring music.
“Why’d you turn it off? I like that song.”
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