sooner.
Can I do it? Gloria asked. She snorted when
Caleb glared at her, then put the record back. Okay,
sorry. Seriously, you re right. Something fishy why
is your apartment the only one with a broken door? Yeah, I know. If it were a random burglary
then whoever did it would have done it to others as
well.
So they had to be targeting you specifically.
Gloria pulled out her cigarettes and tapped one out of
the pack. She looked for a moment like she was
going to light it up, to which Caleb would have had to
object, but instead she just pushed her hair aside and
stuck the cigarette behind her ear. Are you really
sure nothing is missing?
As far as I can tell, Caleb said. Why would
some petty crook target me? I m just a freaking
convenience store clerk.
A convenience store clerk who routinely kills
monsters and prevents the end of the world.
Caleb s eyes went wide. It was easy for him to
forget sometimes. He was surrounded by crazy
things all the time, and it had jaded him. He forgot
that others might not share his view that his life was
boring. He also tended to forget that some of the
souvenirs he picked up during his shifts might be
something more to other people.
Oh fuck me, Caleb said.
What? Gloria asked. What is it?
He didn t answer. He just ran to the bathroom
and threw open the door.
It was empty. All the items he had kept on the
walls and shelves were gone. Whoever had taken it
all hadn t missed a thing.
Oh shit, Caleb said. Shit shit shit shit! Gloria came up behind him and stared at the
empty space, but she still didn t sound too worried. I don t get it. What s missing?
This is where I kept all the artifacts left over
from my shifts. Everything. All that stuff that s left
over when beasties try to take over or destroy the
world.
You kept them in the bathroom? Gloria said,
then the import of what he said truly hit her. Oh
holy crap. This is where you kept everything? Caleb began searching the shelves, looking for
anything that the thieves might have missed, but
they had been very thorough. Everything.
What all did you have? Gloria said. Her voice
had grown quiet, and she took the cigarette from
behind her ear and began to fiddle with it.
Most of the stuff you remember from when you
worked at the OneStop, plus a handful of other things
I ve picked up since. The Osterhaggis Key, the
Omega Sword, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, the
Flute of All Flesh, a bunch of other things. Even
Caleb opened the lid of his toilet tank and found it
empty as well. They even got Rubik s Ultimate
Cube.
Oh shit. You had Rubik s Ultimate Cube? The
worry disappeared from her face long enough to look
somewhat confused. And you kept it in you toilet
tank?
Well I sure as hell wasn t going to keep it out
in the open where I might be tempted to solve it. Gloria nodded and stared at the empty shelves. We need to call the police. The special unit police, I
mean. They ll want to know that all this stuff is now
suddenly out there.
I can t do that, Caleb said. I wasn t actually
supposed to have any of that stuff to begin with. In
fact, I think merely possessing a few of those things
could be grounds for the death penalty.
Then why did you have them to begin with?
Gloria asked.
Caleb shrugged. It wasn t an easy question to
answer. He wanted to say that he didn t trust the
authorities enough with such things, that he thought
they were much safer in his own hands than in the
possession of a law enforcement division that was inefficient even at its best moments. But in reality it had made him feel important to be their keeper. Gloria herself had pointed out to him once that even with all the world-saving he was forced to do on his job, it wasn t really so hard that a trained monkey couldn t do it. In the end he was still just a convenience store clerk. Keeping all those mystical artifacts had been his way of saying that he really could be important. A small part of him even liked the idea that, if he were a much more terrible person, he could actually do serious damage to the entire world. Keeping these things had been like a
permanent high.
We have to get them back, Caleb said. I m
sure it can t be that hard. Not with the sorts of things
we deal with all the time, right?
Absolutely, Gloria said. We gathered them
all to begin with, we can do it again. Especially since
they re all probably still together. It should be easy
for us, right? Just like old times, except we won t be
getting paid for it.
Totally, Caleb said. At least we won t have
to worry about making sure the floor gets mopped
during Armageddon before the boss comes in. But
he didn t think he sounded very convincing, and
Gloria herself was still nervously fiddling with her
cigarette. Any single item that had been in this
bathroom was enough by itself to cause the end of
the world. All twelve of the artifacts together might
be more than either of them could combat. Out of all
the times Caleb had been faced with the end of
human history, this was the first time he was
seriously worried.
Chapter 8
The first order of business was to search for clues, and while Caleb scoured the bathroom Gloria moved out into the hall and took a closer look at what was left of the door. She kept telling herself that this wasn t going to be that hard, that they could take care of this just as easily as she did with any other semi-important apocalypse she sought out on the Hill. The list of stolen items kept going through her mind, however, and she had to force herself from showing signs of the paralyzing fear she was beginning to feel.
She remembered most of the items from when she had worked at the OneStop, and a few of the others she had learned of later. In truth, few of them had ever seemed very threatening in the past, but now that she thought of it that was probably because these objects of unspeakable power had been wielded by dumbasses. Most people with delusions of taking over the world were idiots, in her opinion, since after the artifacts were done doing their things there wouldn t be a whole hell of a lot of world left over to rule. World domination was seldom thought out very well.
But in most of those past instances she had been able to see her opponent and, while almost always weird or creepy, none of those people had ever been her match. Caleb had accused her once of playing the beastie hunter on the Hill simply because she didn t take it seriously and thought it was all fun, and he wasn t entirely wrong. But, on a deeper level she was embarrassed to admit to everyone else, she felt that she had to do it to prove how much better she was than all the creepy crawlies, whether they were human or non-human. She d had lots of instances in her life where people hadn t taken her seriously, whether it was because she was a woman or because of her race or even because she was a stripper. Fighting monsters was a way for her to exert some control over the world like she hadn t been able to before, to force everyone to take her seriously, even if she didn t take anyone else seriously.
So it was different when she wasn t sure yet who her opponent was. She c
ouldn t look him or her or it in the eye and try to find a weak spot. And even if she did, twelve world-destroying artifacts were enough to set the odds against her.
She wanted to blame Caleb for this, to say that his pride had resulted in this horrifying problem, but she had the suspicion that would be the pot calling the kettle black.
Now was not the time for that, however. Now was the time to focus on her surroundings, take in the situation and break it down in such a way that she could easily deal with it. And to start with, that meant inspecting the door.
The first thing she noticed was that there were very few wooden shards from the door inside the apartment. Most of them were out in the hall. The door didn t look like it had been terribly sturdy to begin with, but it still would have taken something with incredible strength and force to shatter the door into so many fragments.
She took a closer look at the door frame. Caleb had had two locks in place on it, and the frame was broken around where the locks should have been. There were gouges just below the lock holes, gouges that looked like they could have come from small but strong fingers digging in between the door and frame. She found similar gouges on the other side, and the hinges had been pulled off right along with the door. It looked like something had physically grabbed the door and ripped it from its place. Of course, whoever or whatever had done that could have simply set or thrown the door aside at that point, but this person had instead gone on to destroy the door. That was an interesting detail, but Gloria couldn t be sure yet what it might mean.
Other than the door there was no sign of any damage in the hallway. But even if the destruction was just the door, it had to have been loud enough for someone else to hear it. Gloria went across the hall to the door directly across from Caleb s apartment and knocked. There was no answer, so she listened at the door for a few moments until she was certain that no one was actually home, then moved to the door immediately to the left of Caleb s apartment. She knocked on this one, too, and after a few seconds she was rewarded with a response.
Go away! The voice sounded like it belonged to an elderly woman, although it was loud and high pitched. I don t need no cookies, I don t need to find Jesus cuz he ain t missing, and if you re a vampire you can t come in unless I invite you anyway, so scram!
I m not here about any of those things, Gloria said. I m a friend of the guy who lives next door to you and
And he needs to stop partying so much that he shakes the entire apartment complex. Tell him next time he does that I ll call the cops.
No, that wasn t him. That s what I need to talk to you
I said go away before I put a stake through your undead heart!
Gloria thought about trying to tell the woman that she wasn t a vampire, but she didn t want to risk the old woman following through on her threat. Instead she backed away from the door and tried a few others. Despite clearly being able to hear voices or televisions behind most of the doors, she didn t get any more responses. Most of the people in this building probably didn t know the full extant of what roamed around the Hill at night, but they still knew better than to open their doors to strangers after sundown. Even if anybody had heard the ruckus of the door shattering, no one would have wanted to get involved.
Caleb was just inside his apartment staring at the empty door jamb as Gloria came back.
I m still going to have to call the normal police at some point, Caleb said. The landlady s going to have a shit fit when she sees this, and if I don t want the price of a new door tacked onto my rent them I ll need some sort of official paperwork to back up my claims that someone broke in.
Think you can wait to do that until the morning? Gloria asked. We kind of sort of have to deal with multiple apocalypses at the moment.
Well, yeah, there s that, but I sure as fuck don t know where to begin. I didn t find anything in the bathroom that could help. Anything in the hall?
No. Did you do a thorough check of the main room, though?
Not yet, but it doesn t look like anything in here was disturbed. The person or thing that took the artifacts apparently knew to look in the bathroom. They probably didn t spend much time in here.
We should check just to be sure, Gloria said.
That s just a waste of time. We have to get out and find out what the word is on the streets. With that many world destroying artifacts back in play, someone on the street has to know something.
But it would be stupid not to at least look.
We re not going to freaking find anything, okay? I ll bet my entire next paycheck on it.
Gloria glanced around the room. They had been looking to see if anything was missing at first, not for clues. Maybe there was something they had missed
Gloria blinked several times, then looked back at Caleb and tried to keep a straight face. You really serious about that?
Dead serious.
Then you owe me your next paycheck, she said. Before Caleb could protest she went over towards his entertainment center and the tangled coils of his video game controllers on the floor. She had seen something sitting among the controllers like it had been thrown there in haste, and she picked it up to show Caleb. Caleb s face flushed, but he remained defiant.
No. Uh-uh. How do you know that s not mine?
Are you diabetic? Gloria asked.
No.
Do you do drugs?
No. I do pot once in a great while, but not drugs.
Then why would you have a used syringe sitting on your floor?
She took a closer look at it as Caleb struggled to find some way out of his promise, making sure to keep the needle a safe distance from her skin. There was a hint of blood on the needle, and even though the blood had gone dark it still looked tacky. It had been used recently, probably within the last ten or fifteen minutes. There was also still some fluid in the syringe, but it was purple. Gloria couldn t think of any drug, whether mundane or unique to the Hill, that was purple.
We need to find out what was in here, Gloria said.
I didn t really mean it when I said I would give you my paycheck. Really.
Focus, man, Gloria said. Whoever took everything probably has plans for them, and whatever those plans are we need to hurry if we want to stop it.
Right. Okay, Caleb said. So does that mean you don t really want my paycheck?
Oh hell yeah I do. There s no way I m letting you get out of that. But if I m going to collect we have to survive the night first. So where do we start if we want information?
Despite himself, Caleb grinned, and Gloria realized what a dumb question that had been.
Right, Gloria said. Where else?
Chapter 9
There was an uncharacteristic lull at the OneStop shortly around eleven. Several customers, both human and otherwise, had come in with interesting information already, and Phil supposed what they had told him went a ways to explaining why things were dead so far tonight. Word travelled fast on the Hill. It had to if any of its denizens wanted to survive through all the crazy crap that happened here. Information was like currency and had to be passed back and forth to keep everything moving smoothly. It also meant that when something big was going down, everybody knew. Even some of the braver people on the Hill knew tonight was a night to stay inside.
It really annoyed Phil, actually. He d been hoping to get at least to the point of seeing Sue without threat of an apocalypse, but he should have known better.
Still, there was work that needed to be done, and with so few customers it was easy to do it at the moment. Later it might not be so easy, considering Phil might very well need to fight for his life. So now was the moment to teach Lucas some of the basics he needed to know about keeping the OneStop clean. Lucas, for his part, seemed a little nervous about what they had already heard from some of the customers, but he didn t know enough about the Hill to understand just how deep in it they were right now. After a flaming flying armadillo the night before, he probably thought he had already seen everything. Phil was certain the
newbie would be wrong on that.
Phil and Lucas were outside the store at the moment, Phil with a broom and dustpan in hand and Lucas standing off to the side as Phil pointed out all the parts of the parking lot where trash tended to accumulate. Always make sure you get the walk right in front of the doors, and all the parking lot. Oh yeah, and don t forget when you come out here to change the trash bag in the barrel out by the sign. Even if it s not full, because otherwise gremlins try to nest in it.
Lucas didn t even bat an eyelash at that news. Either he was accepting all this really quickly or he was already starting to crack. Although the latter was pretty common among the newbies, Phil wanted to believe the former. Strangely enough, working the Apocalypse Shift had actually made Phil optimistic about humanity in a way he hadn t been before. People had a way of adapting to horrible circumstances and finding ways to come out on top. Even when he was worried about some of the more extreme circumstances, such as what was going on tonight, his experience said that everyone involved could rise to the occasion when forced with no other choice. Who knew? Lucas might even become a good soldier in the ongoing fight for humanity s future, given enough time.
He would probably never be a good convenience store clerk, however. So far tonight he d proven himself to be kind of lazy. Whatever. You couldn t win them all.
He was handing the broom and dustpan off to Lucas, who looked at them like he had never before seen things like them in his life, when he saw Caleb and Gloria approaching from down Pearl Street. Caleb had the duffel bag he had forgotten earlier, and they were walking at a pace that wasn t quite leisurely but still short of a jog. Trying to hurry without looking they were doing anything important at all. Phil snorted. He should have know that their first date could only be another attempt at stopping the end of the world. It was probably the only thing they did well together.
Caleb started talking as they crossed the parking lot towards Phil and Lucas, and Phil waited. Hey, Phil, you re never going to guess what we found when we got to my
As soon as Caleb was close enough Phil smacked him across the top of the head.
Ow! Hey, what the fuck was that about? You kept all that mystical shit in your
bathroom? Phil asked. Not locked away in some safe somewhere? What are you, a fucking idiot?
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