Dude, don t call me an idiot, Caleb said. You re the one who He thought for a second, then shrugged. I was going to say something insulting,
but I got nothing at the moment.
Oh come on, Gloria said. You can t give up that easily. Without your insults you re nothing.
Caleb glared at her. Hey, I have more going for me than just insults. He turned back to Phil, stared for a few seconds, then shrugged again. Oh, I don t know. Your momma s fat?
Phil sighed. That s good enough for now, I guess, but I expect a better comeback before the end of the night, got it?
How the hell did you even know what s happening? Gloria asked. I mean, I get that whole thing about word travelling fast around here, but how did you know all those artifacts were taken from his bathroom, of all places?
A whole bunch of people came by saying you d been robbed, a couple were even able to tell me what had been taken, Phil said. But the two people who actually stopped in to give me details were One-Eyed Bobby and Wylma.
One-Eyed Bobby, Caleb said. That scumbag. Oh come on, Gloria said. You re not still upset about what he did during the whole Omega Sword thing, are you?
Oh, that blind bastard has proven to be a double-dealing asshole on a whole bunch of other occasions, too, Caleb said. If he wasn t precognitive I wouldn t do business with him at all.
He came in and tried to sell me the information, Phil said. I ended up trading with him for a pint of Ben and Jerry s instead. Bastard probably knew that if he didn t come in when he did I wouldn t have given it to him, because Wylma came in less than a minute after he left to stock up on smokes. She bought up every box of Marlboro reds in the store, so I think she s hoarding in case the apocalypse is for real this time.
Wait, who s Wylma? Gloria said. If she s got abilities like One-Eyed Bobby then you d think I d know her.
No, she s different, Caleb said. She doesn t leave her bar much at night, so she doesn t usually get around to your territory of the Hill. She also deals a little more with, um, I guess you could say the less legal aspects of some things around here. Keeps as low a profile as possible, though. If she knows a little about this then she might even be able to tell us something about that syringe.
Lucas started sweeping the parking lot all around them. He actually seemed bored by their conversation. Phil thought about telling him to pay attention, that any information they found could stop the destruction of the world, but he supposed making sure the parking lot was clean was more important right now. Phil was going to have to do all the paying attention for both of them. What syringe? he asked.
Gloria unzipped her duffel and pulled out something wadded in bubble wrap. We didn t want to accidentally stick ourselves with it, so we had to put it in something, Gloria explained.
Couldn t you have just used a freezer bag or something? Phil asked.
I don t have any freezer bags, Caleb said.
But you had bubble wrap? What would you even need it for? Phil asked. It s not like you ever need to pack anything.
Actually, yeah, I was wondering the same thing, Gloria said.
It s leftover from when I have records sent to me from Ebay, Caleb said. This doesn t have anything to do with anything. What s important is figuring out what was in the syringe and why it was in my apartment.
Well I sure wouldn t know, Phil said. Wylma probably is your best
There was a moan from somewhere down the sidewalk. They all turned to see Sue shambling towards them. Phil had seen pictures of what she had looked like in life, with her slight frame and dishwater-blond hair, and she had been pretty, but not quite beautiful. Of course, she looked even less so now, but her looks had absolutely nothing to do with why he was dating her. They did, however, make him a little self-conscious whenever she tried any public displays of affection. That was exactly what she was moving for now, her greenish-gray arms outstretched in front to give him a hug as she approached. He supposed that wasn t what it would probably look like to anyone who didn t know her, however. She looked more like the traditional zombie coming in for an attack, so he wasn t entirely surprised when Lucas screamed.
Oh shit, run! Lucas yelled, dropping the broom and dustpan and running back towards the door. Everyone just ignored him. Gloria and Caleb stepped aside to let Sue by, both of them looking amused at her enthusiasm. Phil tried not to look at them, instead trying to concentrate on how happy he was to see her, but he didn t feel comfortable being with her when other people were watching and judging him. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, with some of her sticky rotten pus smearing on his smock, and she leaned forward to kiss his lips. The movement was so familiar, something that gave him comfort when they were alone together and made him feel warm despite the cold feeling of her flesh, but for now, despite himself, he found himself trying to back away. He wanted to kiss her. Really he did. He had learned to not only get past his initial repulsion at touching lips that had been withered and eaten away but to actually enjoy it as part of the unique sensations that were her gentle self. But people were watching. People he respected, and people he thought might understand that what he had with Sue was real and not just some sick perversion, but he still couldn t be comfortable with them looking on.
Sue, for her part, didn t seem to notice his hesitation. After her quick peck (or at least quick as was possible for a zombie) she stepped away and looked towards Caleb and Gloria. Her arm spasmed up and down, the closest thing she was capable of to a wave. Huuuuh Cuuuuh. Huuuuh Guuuuh.
Hi Sue, Caleb said. What s shaking? She didn t answer. Phil knew from experience that it was hard for her to concentrate on any one thing for too long. Maybe that was another thing he could try to fix along with her tongue.
Look, we ve got our own thing we need to do tonight, Phil said. And I should probably go inside and calm Lucas down, try to explain Sue to him. So I ll tell you what. I ve got your cell number, Caleb. If I hear anything more useful I can call you. Until then you should go see Wylma and
A noise echoed through the air, loud enough to rival a sonic boom but sounding more like an enormous zipper. It sounded almost like someone was unzipping reality itself. Everything around them flashed with blocks of purple and green, and then the night was silent and still again.
Gloria quickly glanced around at everything around them. Whoa. What the flying fuck was that?
Phil didn t answer. He d experienced that once before, and already knew exactly what he was looking for. He noticed that Caleb and Gloria were standing an extra foot away from each other despite having not moved. Sue was a few inches closer to him, and her simple mind was thoroughly confused as she looked down at her feet, as though accusing them of moving her without her permission. But the biggest change was in Gloria s hand.
Look, Phil said, pointing. Gloria raised her hand and looked at the syringe in it. It was safely housed in a plastic freezer bag, and the bubble wrap was nowhere in sight.
But it was just Gloria started, then looked up at Phil with a thoroughly confused face. No. It wasn t in bubble wrap at all. We put it in freezer bag.
We found a freezer bag right away, Caleb said. This was obviously news to him, but he didn t seem terribly surprised by the change. He did, however, look much more worried than before. I don t even have bubble wrap at home.
Phil nodded. But it wasn t like that before, even though we remember it being just like this the whole time.
But what does that mean? Gloria asked. And why do neither of you seem surprised by this?
Because we ve seen this before, Caleb said. Every time someone lines up a color next to one just like it on Rubik s Ultimate Cube, it causes a slight alteration in reality. If someone were to solve the cube and bring all the colors together on the same sides, then reality as we know it would be ripped apart and replaced with something else. All creatures, human, non-human, living and undead would be erased.
Which means someone just started trying to solve the cube, Phil said. The end has already started.
; Chapter 10
Although they all waited for another minute or so for another change in reality, nothing more happened. Whoever had the artifacts and the cube apparently couldn t figure out the puzzle any better than the last person who had possessed it before Caleb. Caleb said that they would most likely know when the end was getting closer, as whoever had it would be able to connect colors at a faster rate when he/she/it was closer to solving it, resulting in the reality changes getting more frequent. Gloria couldn t argue with that logic, but that didn t mean they really had the time to delay. They had to get moving and find the missing artifacts. After all, just because someone couldn t figure out how to use one didn t mean they couldn t figure out any of the others. Some of them were disturbingly easy, once you knew what to do with them.
As they started on their way to see this mysterious Wylma, whoever the hell she was, Gloria had Caleb fill her in on exactly which objects he had possessed.
You already mentioned a few of them, Gloria said. We ve seen someone try to use Rubik s Ultimate Cube. And I remember when we got the Omega Sword and the Osterhaggis Key.
Right, Caleb said. The Osterhaggis Key isn t something we have to worry too much about yet. It can only be used in one of three locations throughout the entire world, none of which are even in the U.S. If you remember, though, the Omega Sword might be more of a problem. In order to use that all you need is unpaved earth beneath your feet.
Not something easy to find on the Hill, Gloria said.
Easy enough if it gets taken over to Leechman Park. But we never did get a chance to see how powerful it was, so it may not be as important to find as some of the others.
You mentioned the Flute of All Flesh, Gloria said. She looked back over her shoulder as the OneStop Mart grew smaller in the distance. They had about ten blocks between Wylma s bar and the OneStop, according to Caleb, which put it at the eastern edge of the Hill. At their current brisk pace they could be there in between five and ten minutes, but with so many nightmare things wandering on the Hill it was still a longer walk then most people ever dared risk after dark. Even Gloria, when she felt at her most adventurous on her beastie hunting adventures, rarely patrolled more than a four block radius from the Sin Depot. Even with her last year or so of experience, she was beginning to feel like she was in over her head on this one. Did Phil know you had that one?
Caleb grimaced. No. I didn t want him to ever know about it.
Well shouldn t you go back and tell him? Gloria said. Or at least give him a ring on your cell? I think he has a right to know, with his situation.
He would just get pissed at me for having it in the first place, Caleb said.
But Sue s right there with him. If someone were to use the flute
Sue could ignore it. Just trust me, all right? She loves him, and whether I get it or not he loves her. She would never let something make her hurt him.
Gloria didn t know about that. She didn t think that Sue s feelings, whether they were real or just a product of Phil s imagination (and Gloria still wasn t sure if a zombie could actually be capable of love), could really prevent the power of the Flute of All Flesh if someone played the right tune. But now was not the time to argue about it. What else was in the bathroom?
The only other one you ll remember from your time at the OneStop would be the Pretty Pink Thing.
A pretty pink thing?
Not a. The. Remember?
Oh. Oh dear god, you actually kept that? But you can t even look at it without hideous things happening.
Right. So I had it locked in a lead-lined box.
Isn t that a little bit of over-kill? I don t think it was that powerful.
I didn t want to take any chances that its alldestructive cuteness might leak out. There was also the One Clog
One clog to dance on them all, Gloria muttered.
That s the one. And the Confused Amulets, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, a plastic baggy full of doughnut crumbs
Seriously?
Yes, well, they re mystical crumbs. And finally the Bad Penny and That. Twelve items in all. Each one more than capable of massive destruction on a global scale if used right.
Guess we re going to just have to hope who ever took them doesn t know how to use them, Gloria said. She didn t add that if the person or thing that had taken them had done enough research to know they were in Caleb s bathroom then they might very well know what to do with them. She had to wonder just how the hell he could have been so cocky with them, but she didn t think she would have done much different, really. Maybe that was what she saw in him. Maybe they had just enough in common and that was why she had asked him out tonight. But no. She knew better. He could sometimes be a bit egotistical and couldn t keep his mouth shut no matter how hard he tried, and not long ago she would have never considered dating a guy like him. He had even hinted in the past that he might want a relationship with her and she had blatantly shot him down. He was the same person now, for the most part. It was her that had been through new and terrible experiences. She was the one who had changed, and she knew she was looking for something different out of life now. She just wasn t very happy about what that something was.
During the time they had been talking Gloria had been noticing a subtle change in the neighborhood. They were headed east along Thirteenth Street, and the buildings here were looking more run down and seedy compared to the ones a few blocks west. She knew that, even for what was already a rough area of the city, the eastern blocks of the Hill were considered even less desirable. This was the edge of where the beasties and nocturnally inclined humans called home, but it was still the kind of place many people avoided even during the day. A car drove past them in the street, a cop car. She would probably see several more patrolling this area before she left, but even the increased presence of the cops didn t do much to tame this place. And the whole neighborhood smelled like everyone went outside to piss.
Wow, this area s a little intense even for me, Gloria said. She expected Caleb to reply with a snide remark, but he just nodded and replied quietly.
I don t like it much here either. This is getting into the sort of territory you and I don t usually cover. Wylma s a lot like our normal people, but the others around here
I don t quite get what you mean, Gloria said. What exactly is our normal people?
Mystical, Caleb said.
As opposed to?
You ll see. You should keep your duffel bag ready just in case, but I don t think stakes and holy water will be the best sort of weapons here. Caleb gestured to a building on the corner. This is it. Wylma s place.
The building was a squat and ugly one-story structure. The sidewalk in front of it was littered with various pieces of trash, mostly beer bottles and empty cigarette boxes. It had two windows facing where Gloria could see, each with glowing neon signs advertising various beers, but they were covered up with iron bars. The door was plain and wooden with peeling red paint that didn t match the rest of the building s gray exterior, and it vibrated with the thumping of heavy metal music. A faded white sign with red letters hung above it. Gloria raised an eyebrow at the name.
The Snake s Sanctum? Gloria said. What an absolutely charming name.
Says the woman who works at a place called the Sin Depot, Caleb said. But it s actually quite cozy, if by cozy you mean you ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Gloria looked at him. Be honest. How long have you been waiting to say that?
My whole life. Come on.
The smell of beer and smoke assaulted her nostrils as she followed Caleb through the door, but that was a scent she was used to from the Sin Depot. In fact, despite the rough outer look of the place, the Snake s Sanctum s interior didn t feel all that much different from her own place of business. The Sin Depot might have attracted a higher class of clientele, but after people got enough booze in them everyone s class was the same. It was a little bit darker than she was used to and most of the people hanging around were a bit burl
ier, but if the place had just a few girls stripping on the bar then it might as well have been the same place.
I know this probably isn t a place you would want to go into, but we ll only be a minute, Caleb said.
Why do you think I wouldn t want to be here? Gloria asked.
Caleb shrugged. Just figured it would remind you of work, and I know how much you hate stripping.
Who said I hate stripping?
Caleb looked at her. His eyes were squinted either in an attempt to scrutinize her or out of irritation at the smoke. You don t hate it?
No. I chose to do it, didn t I? Had other options and everything.
That doesn t seem very progressive woman s lib of you.
I ve got an idea. Why don t you just shut the hell up about things you don t know before you make an even bigger jackass of yourself?
Caleb held up his hands in front of him as though to say Okay, I m backing off, then turned away and walked towards the bar. She thought about giving him more pieces of her mind, but got distracted as she began to notice more things around her. Despite the quiet state outside as people tried to stay out of the potential apocalypse, this place was jumping. It was a weekday so she wouldn t have expected a place like this to be so packed, but she supposed most people s reaction to an oncoming armageddon was to get drunk. Most of the customers here were men with a few scattered women drifting among them. Almost every person here was in a leather jacket, and most of the men had large amounts of scruffy facial hair. She could have easily called this place a typical biker bar if it weren t for the fact that every single person without exception was wearing a white lab coat under their leather jackets. Several people had blast goggles perched on top of their heads, and one guy in the corner wore a monocle.
Gloria caught up to Caleb, stopped him, and attempted to whisper in his ear against the blaring rock and roll from the jukebox. Caleb, is this a mad scientist bar?
They prefer the term eccentric scientists, but yes, it kind of is. Biker scientists.
What the hell s the difference between a biker mad scientist and a regular mad scientist?
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