New Title 4
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Caleb, Phil said into the phone, keeping his voice low in case anyone might be able to hear him through the door. It s Phil. You ve got to call me back the instant you get this. I m almost positive Lucas is the one who broke into your apartment, and I think he has Rubik s Ultimate Cube with him. I m not entirely sure what s going on with you guys and the cyborgs, but just call back. No wait, I might not be able to answer. Better yet, get over here and make damned sure you re armed.
He hung up. Maybe it would take a while before Caleb got the message, but hopefully nothing important would happen in the mean time.
That hope already seemed dashed the instant he stepped out of the bathroom. There were three customers in the store, a young twenty-something couple and a really short guy who did not appear completely human, but none of them were moving about checking the shelves as they should have been. Instead they stood staring nervously at the space directly in front of the registers. Lucas had made his way around the counter and was standing near the magazine racks, his lazy and slightly nervous demeanor now gone. Instead he had an angry snarl on his face as he slowly backed towards the door. Sue stood in front of him, staring at him. Phil couldn t see the look on her face from this angle, but from her posture she looked like she was ready to shamble after him.
Stop right there! Lucas yelled as Phil tried to approach. Just don t fucking move.
Whoa, hey, just hold on, Phil said. He held his hands up in a halting gesture and tried to make his voice seem calmer than he felt. He didn t have the slightest clue yet what might be going on here, but he knew that the last thing he wanted to do right now was spook him. Just tell me what s going on.
Your fucking corpse girlfriend here is what s going on, Lucas said. Tell her to back the fuck off. Now.
Phil cautiously moved closer and put a hand on Sue s shoulder. Honey? I don t know what you re doing but you should
Cuuuuube, she said. Her arm went out and pointed at the largest bulge in Lucas s pockets, the bulge Phil had been pointedly trying to ignore for the last forty-five minutes. Phil winced. Apparently she hadn t understood what he d been trying to tell her at all.
Why does she keep saying that? the girl-half of the couple asked. Her voice didn t sound too worried, and from what Phil could see she appeared to be stoned. Good for her. That way she might not have any clue how much danger she could be in just now.
I shouldn t have just assumed you were too stupid not to figure it all out, Lucas said to Phil. He reached into his pocket, and the short humanoid tensed up before Lucas pulled the cube out for everyone to see. It didn t look any different from a normal Rubik s Cube, and the short guy visibly relaxed. He even went back to browsing among the bags of potato chips. Phil, however, started trying to think of ways he could get behind the counter to his duffel bag. A silver stake might work, but he would have trouble explaining to the special police why he had attacked his coworker over a toy.
I don t know what the hell you re trying to accomplish, Phil said, but things have a way of going bad for anybody who tries doing this kind of stupid crap around here. Set the cube down and maybe you can get out of this with just a minor asskicking.
Oh, I know all about what goes on around here. Have for a very long time. Lucas put his second hand on the cube and twisted it. Phil took in a sharp breath, but nothing happened. None of the colors had lined up with each other. And I know all about how all those things I took work. Do you? He turned the cube and twisted another side. The noise it made as the side clicked into place was very loud in the silence, but still nothing else happened. Have you noticed how the changes in reality work? They have to do with whatever you re thinking or doing at the exact moment reality shifts.
Just stop, Phil said. A thought suddenly came to him. He didn t have any weapons from his bag immediately at his disposal, but that didn t mean there were no weapons at all. He squeezed Sue s shoulder. If you don t I ll get Sue to come after you, and you don t want that. I ve seen what she can do when she s motivated, and it s not pretty.
I m sure it isn t, Lucas said. Gee, whatever shall I do? All I have is the cube, the penny, and one of the amulets. He stopped and smiled at Phil, a malicious and knowing smile. If only I had brought the flute instead of the penny.
He twisted the cube again. Phil saw two of the yellow squares line up, and he tried to concentrate, try to make whatever change was about to happen work for him, but he couldn t think of any change that might help him. All he could think of was how dangerous Sue could be when she was sicced on a person. Maybe
The sound of reality unzipping echoed throughout the store, and everything flashed with bright colors. The girl vanished and her boyfriend didn t even seem to notice. The short guy grew an inch as he tried to reach a bag on chips on the top shelf. And there was a flute sticking out of Lucas s pocket. Phil suddenly remembered it being there all night. He remembered wondering what the hell it was there for, just as he remembered wondering why Lucas had made the effort to hide it from Caleb when he had come in. It didn t completely make sense that Phil wouldn t have asked about it, but apparently the cube didn t always need its new reality to make sense.
Lucas put the cube down on the counter and grabbed at the flute before Phil could ask what the hell was going on. Lucas put the flute to his lips and started playing. It was difficult for him to figure out at first, having never heard the song played on something as incongruous as a flute before, but the song Lucas started playing sounded like Another One Bites the Dust.
Sue started shaking beneath Phil s hand.
Honey? Phil said. He looked at Lucas, but he was completely ignoring Phil now. It looked like it was taking all his concentration to keep from screwing up the song. Sue s shaking got worse as, with a series of lurching and forced steps, she started to turn around.
Sue, what s wrong? Her eyes were shut as she turned to face him. She had that look again like she was trying to concentrate on doing something. Or maybe concentrating on not doing something. Lucas, what the hell are you doing to her?
Lucas was slightly late on a note, and for a moment Sue stopped shaking. Phil backed away from her as the shaking quickly started up again.
Sue? Are you okay? Please say something. Her eyes opened, and there was none of that gentle child-like curiosity he usually saw there. Her face just looked blank as she opened her mouth to speak and started shambling towards him.
Braaaaaiiins!
Chapter 22
Gloria threw the sheets aside and jumped out of the bed. This was her bedroom in her apartment and a quick check showed that everything was exactly as it should have been.
Except, of course, for the fact that she had just had sex with Caleb.
Oh no way, she said. She backed away, staring at the rumpled sheets, the thrown-aside comforter, and Caleb s naked body among it all. Her first instinct was to look away like she didn t have any right to see him like this, except that was ridiculous. She d been seeing him naked for the last fifteen minutes. In fact, she had been doing a lot more than just looking.
But she hadn t. Just a few seconds earlier she d been standing at the front door explaining exactly why this was not going to happen. She looked down at herself and her complete lack of clothing and wondered whether or not she should try covering herself up.
Caleb jumped up, too, and he seemed to have the same confusion over whether or not it was appropriate for her to see him like this. Oh my god, I swear I didn t do anything. Really. Or at least um I did but I didn t.
We did, Gloria said. The new memories of a new reality swam up clearly in her memory. It didn t make complete sense, but she remembered how after she had pulled her hand away from Caleb in the café they had hurried back here. The sexual tension had been too great, and they d had to act on it. Except that hadn t happened at all. It all made her very, very dizzy.
Oh holy crap we did, Caleb said. He put his head in his hands for a second. He swayed a little where he stood, and Gloria realized she wasn t alone in being dizzy. The change
this time had affected them more than the last two. When he looked back up at her there was a grin trying to pull at the edge of his lips. And it was amazing, too.
Gloria looked at him as she tried to sort through the dual memories. Maybe it was her disorientation or maybe it was anger at the unexpected and unwelcome change, but she couldn t make herself lie at the moment. No, not really.
Wait, what the hell do you mean? That was Hold on for a second and focus, alright? She couldn t look at him anymore. This wasn t his fault at all, and despite the fact that he hadn t been that good she had still enjoyed it. But that didn t change the fact that she hadn t wanted this to happen at first. She had wanted to take her time. And now she wanted someone to blame. She stooped down and started rooting through her clothes on the floor. It was the cube. It had to be.
But it couldn t be, Caleb said. He stared at her for a moment then started looking around the room. Neither of us touched it, right? Unless it somehow got twisted or turned when you set the garbage bag down?
No, even if that were likely it would have happened as soon as I set it down. Except I set it down like a minute before the change happened.
Or I guess technically you set it down earlier than that. It would have been before we started um you know. Where did you put the bag down? She almost said it obviously had to still be in front of the door outside, but that wouldn t be true anymore. She searched through her fuzzy halfformed memories and tried to remember. In her new memories she hadn t been thinking too much about the bag. Instead she had been more intent on getting Caleb s clothes off. She blushed, but it wasn t an unpleasant memory. Just one she wasn t supposed to have.
Um, maybe I set it down when we came in the door?
Caleb tried to rush out of her bedroom while putting his boxer shorts on at the same time and almost tripped himself. Gloria at least waited until she had her underwear and bra back on before trying to follow him. In the living room she found Caleb hunched down next to the garbage bag, exactly where she had dropped it next to the door. He stared into it for a second without saying anything.
Well? Gloria asked.
Shit, he said. Shit, shit, shit!
What? What is it?
I should have checked! I should have fucking checked! He stood up and flung the bag around to spill all its contents on the floor. There weren t any lights on in the living room, only ambient light from the street lights outside coming in through the windows, so Gloria couldn t see much of it. But everything had been there. She had checked twice earlier.
I don t get it. Whatever you re seeing, it s too dark for me to tell, she said as she walked over to the nearest lamp.
But that s just it, Caleb said as she turned on the light. You couldn t see. See this? He stooped down and grabbed one of the items, the plastic baggy full of doughnut crumbs. The doughnut crumbs are supposed to be mystical. The doughnut they belonged to was made in a bakery built on an ancient Indian burial ground. They glow. Or at least they re supposed to.
Gloria stared at the bag, then looked down at all the other items scattered all over her floor. Oh. Aw crap. She stooped down next to them and gave them a closer look. Of course she didn t know what most of the items were supposed to look like. A few she had heard stories about and one or two she had actually seen during her time at the OneStop. She grabbed the Omega Sword and held it up for closer inspection. There was an inscription on the blade, instructions on how to use it to take over the world. But the words were rough around the edges, like someone had taken a previously existing sword and attempted to etch the words in. When she looked at where the hilt met the blade she could see something else, some mark that wasn t supposed to be there, but she had to hold it closer to the light to see it clearly. In very tiny words it said Made in China.
They re not real, she said. None of them?
Doesn t look like it, Caleb said. He grabbed the Rubik s Cube and gave it a few twists. Gloria instinctively cringed, but she knew what to expect. Caleb lined up colors together several times, but nothing happened. Gloria in turn grabbed a six inch by six inch lead lined box and undid the clasp. When she opened it she should have become entranced by the thing inside, a thing that was supposed to kill her if she looked at it for too long. Instead all that was inside was a piece of a pink boa. It may have been a pretty pink thing, but it wasn t the Pretty Pink Thing.
They were playing us as suckers, Gloria said. Those damned cyborgs were just acting as decoys.
We re completely screwed, Caleb said. Gloria stood back up and started to pace around the pile of fake artifacts. She should have checked closer. If she had just taken a closer look at the sword when she d caught up with the cyborgs then she would have known and they could have continued looking. But now valuable time had been lost. While she and Caleb had been off finishing their date Tuffy and Fluffy had gotten farther away with the real artifacts. They could be anywhere now. Anywhere at all.
Or at least they could be at the moment. Later, however, she thought she knew exactly where they would be.
Leechman Park at three a.m. she said. Caleb looked up at her. What?
I didn t mention it before because I didn t think it mattered anymore. But Fido, the leader of the Senator Park Lunatics, she said that someone called her earlier. That someone said he had things to sell that could give people a lot of power, or something like that. He said she should meet him at Leechman Park at three a.m.
He? It was a guy?
Yeah, but we couldn t be sure if it was Muffy or not. Tuffy killed him before he could say anything.
Why would she kill him?
My guess is maybe he was about to tell us that these were all fakes.
So Fluffy and Tuffy, we know where they re going to be but not exactly what they re planning on doing. This Fido, did she say she was going to buy it?
I don t know. Fido s got some leverage on the Hill, but there are others with more power and more money. So what do you want to bet that she wasn t the only one who was offered a deal?
No, I don t think I ll take that bet, Caleb said. What time is it now?
I don t know, Gloria said. She ran to the nearest clock in the kitchen then came back. 12:25
We ve got about two and a half hours then. Time to prepare.
Prepare for what? Gloria asked. We still don t know exactly what they have planned.
Nope, but if we just grab everything we ve got we can get to Leechman s Park and start scoping it out.
We should talk to Phil first, Gloria said. See if he found anything out.
We ll just call the store, Caleb said. But I don t think he ll have anything to tell us. He would have called already otherwise.
Either way, Gloria said, we need to get ready and get moving.
They both went back into the bedroom for their clothes. Caleb immediately started rounding up everything they had scattered in their haste to get to the bed, but Gloria stopped for a moment and looked at the bed. Caleb saw her staring and stopped what he was doing. He approached her hesitantly but still kept some distance.
So um I suppose we should talk about this, he said.
She supposed so as well, but she didn t have the first clue what to say. The last twenty minutes or so had been rewritten in a way she had not wanted, and she hated that someone had done that to her. But it wasn t at all like the experience had been bad. Caleb sure as hell wasn t the greatest of lovers but But Caleb had been her lover. One way or another, she had willingly taken him into her bed. Now she just had to figure out if that was really what she wanted in the future.
I m sorry, Caleb said.
You have nothing to apologize for, Gloria said. I wanted it to happen, but I wanted to wait at the same time. This doesn t change anything, do you hear? We re going to pretend like it didn t happen and reality went on exactly as we had originally planned.
Caleb didn t look entirely happy with that, but he hadn t looked happy either when she had said she wanted to wait while they were at the front door. But to his credit, and
completely against his nature, he didn t say anything. He just nodded.
Okay, then let s get going, Gloria said. She gathered up her own clothing and then sat on the bed as Caleb reached into his pants pockets and pulled out his cell phone.
Oh, I forgot about that, Caleb said.
What? Gloria asked.
I turned off my phone after you called because I didn t want us to be disturbed at the Squamous Nightmare. He pressed a button and it came on. Oh crap. I ve got a message from Phil
Gloria finished dressing as he listened. The look on his face as he heard the message was enough to tell her that they needed to get the OneStop immediately.
Chapter 23
Phil backpedaled away from Sue as her arms came up and reached for him. She took another step towards him, but it was hesitant and shaky. He could tell she was trying to resist whatever Lucas was doing to her, but she wasn t strong enough.
Braaaaaiiins! she said again. He moved away faster, suddenly thankful for the first time for her slow movements. He hadn t been kidding when he had said she could do nasty things when she was motivated. He d once seen her crush the skull of a demon and scoop his gray matter out all because Caleb had told her Phil would go out with her if she did. Phil wanted to tell her that if she ate his brains now then the dates would stop, but something told him that wouldn t help much.
Phil backed into the deli case and looked around for anything that might be able to help him. The two customers stood where they had been earlier, still staring at the scene. The guy with the now-vanished girlfriend seemed just as stoned as she had been, and Phil didn t think he was going to be of much help. The short one, although not quite as short as before, was once again paying attention, and he at least had the sense to look worried. He held a bag of Lays in front of him as though it was a shield and he slowly backed down the aisle. Not much help from him either, apparently.