by James Wolfe
“Me too,” I said as I looked down at my shoes.
He reached out and grabbed my hand. “I already know I would never leave you. I’d do anything to keep you, anything.”
Well, that sure wasn’t helping.
I didn’t know what to say so I just blurted it out. “I can’t be your mate.”
I didn’t make eye contact when I said it.
“What?” he asked, in a monotone voice.
“I’m so sorry, I really am,” I told him.
“But our night together… It was beautiful. I thought that you…”
“It was beautiful,” I confirmed. “And I am starting to have feelings for you.”
Now he looked more confused. “Then I do not understand.”
“I can’t leave now, with everything that’s going on with Jameson. He’s in no position to keep our tribe going. Right now, I’m taking all of his responsibilities. If I leave—”
“Not this again,” he said, cutting me off.
“Not what again?” I asked him. “This is kind of a new thing, Jeffrey just left Jameson.”
“No, it’s an old thing. It’s an old mentality. You put your tribe before anything else.”
“As it should be—”
“No.” He stopped me. “It should not be. I am the leader of my tribe and you know what’s going to come before even them?”
“What?” I asked, truly unsure of the answer.
“My mate and my family. Taylor, don’t you see? All we have is our family. The people in our life who we love, who we can be ourselves with. Your tribe will never truly love you back! It cannot. Only your family can do that.”
“I know… And I understand that, but I can’t just let my tribe fall apart.”
“It won’t!” he argued. “Jameson will get it together! He won’t let things crumble. He will survive. Maybe he won’t be comfortable, but he will survive.”
I shook my head. “I just… can’t.”
“Do you even realize what you may be giving up? Happiness, Taylor. I am giving you a chance at happiness, at children, I am telling you I’d protect you for the rest of our lives. And you’re telling me your job is more important?”
When he put it that way, yeah, it sounded stupid. But that wasn’t how I saw it. It wasn’t like this was just about my job. It was about my tribe. It was about Jameson and the hardships he was going through.
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say, because nothing he was going to say would change my mind, nothing. And I did want what he was offering, more than anything, and I’d thought about it. So if I still didn’t want to stick with my tribe despite how badly I wanted him… nothing would change my mind.
“You will be more sorry. I don’t know when… when you will realize the extent of this mistake. But one day you’re going to have your tribe and nothing else, and you’ll have wished you took advantage of this, of the possibility of us,” he said as he stood up and began walking down the hallway into the bedroom. He shut the door behind him.
I got the hint—he wanted me to leave and he didn’t want to discuss this any further. I had hurt him. I didn’t like it, I hadn’t wanted to, but I’d hurt him.
I hated myself for it.
11
It had been two months since Cole left and I felt like every day still dragged on.
He left immediately after I told him that I could not be with him now. He left me a short letter, explaining that if he stayed he would never stop trying to have me and he knew that wasn’t what I wanted right now… He left instead.
It hadn’t been easy. Every moment since he’d been gone, I thought of him, and I couldn’t help but think that he was right. My work never really felt fulfilling in comparison to him, in comparison to our night together. I did truly believe that if I was with him, I’d be happier than I was currently.
Though, truth be told, there wasn’t much to be happy about around here. Jameson was still completely depressed and from what I heard through the grapevine, so was Jeffrey. This unhappiness seemed to radiate through the rest of the tribe.
Most people had really looked up to their relationship. They appeared to be the ideal. And because this happened so rarely it was a real shock to everyone.
Jameson was starting to take on more responsibilities though, slowly but surely. He didn’t want to, I could tell, but he did it anyway.
Still, him running things once again didn’t exactly mean I felt free to leave. He was still completely depressed and I still felt like I was the only friend he had. So, here I was.
I did hold out hope that he’d seem less depressed soon, though, and my sense of obligation dissipated. I had no idea if Cole would still accept me once I decided I was done with all this, or if he’d even be available, but I hoped.
To think when he was here I was so unsure of him and my feelings for him. But the distance had not only made me feel more for him, it made me more sure of those feelings. The more I thought about him and our time together, the more he made sense to me.
I think he was always right that someone who challenged your previously held beliefs, who you could be your most honest self with, was someone who could be a great partner to you.
I found myself constantly replaying old conversations we’d had in my head. Everything he ever said to me, even the simple things, seemed so deep in retrospect. And I was constantly craving more words from him. I always found myself thinking ‘what would he say to me if he was here now?’
Yeah, I had it bad, and I knew it. I’d never felt like this for anyone before and it didn’t help that I had to just stuff these feelings down and pretend they didn’t exist when I wanted him so badly.
Really, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that one day we’d be together. One day I wouldn’t have to be this dedicated to my tribe.
I’d finished all the work I had today and decided to grab myself a piece of pie at the bakery. It was no longer awkward for me to go there. Joshua had let go of his frustration with me after he discovered we were getting the provisions after all. Everyone else seemed to let go of my mistake too.
What none of them knew was that, in Cole’s eyes, it never had been a mistake. For him, it was the start of a level of honesty that he would come to crave.
I kept my feelings for him and his feelings for me pretty hush-hush. Obviously, Jeffrey and Jameson knew, but they didn’t speak on it. At least, not anymore.
Pretty soon after I told Jameson I wouldn’t be mating with Cole, he talked to me for a while about how he knew that would be my decision and we were simply incompatible. That he was too arrogant and self-centered for me.
I didn’t bother to tell him that I hadn’t changed my mind because I didn’t love him. I didn’t tell him I was only doing this for his benefit. I didn’t want to guilt him, as he had enough emotions he was dealing with, so I’d let him believe whatever he wanted to.
But after that conversation, it was never discussed. Certainly not with Jeffrey either, considering I hadn’t seen him since the day I discovered Cole wanted me.
He had isolated himself. My heart broke for him. I couldn’t imagine his position. Not only was he losing the love of his life because Jameson didn’t want children, but he wasn’t exactly able to go and have children himself either. Not now, anyway.
In our species, you could only get pregnant once you had a love bond with someone. Only with a truly compatible mate could a child be born. In any random hookup, there was no risk of children. It was a great system, as it kept us from ever having any accidental children.
But right now, accidental children probably sounded great to Jeffrey. He wanted kids, I understood that. For a while, I too wished that I could get pregnant with anyone so that, even if I didn’t have a mate, I could still have a family. But it simply didn’t work that way.
Not that Jeffrey could never have kids, he had time. He would just have to find another mate he truly loved and was compatible with and that absolutely was not going to be easy.
> I arrived at the bakery and the smell of freshly baked pumpkin pie hit me. During the fall, the bakery always smelled like either apple or pumpkin. I loved it. I found both scents comforting, considering how much I adored the fall.
I made small talk with Joshua, just about the weather and how his mate was doing, before grabbing my pie and sitting down to eat it.
Despite my obvious love for pumpkin pie I hadn’t been back to the bakery since Cole left. I told myself it was because I was just too busy to have leisurely time at the bakery but, honestly, I was nervous to come back.
I thought being here would make me think of Cole and it did. I couldn’t forget our last conversation here. The memory of him chasing me outside while the red, dead leaves crunched under our feet was fresh in my mind.
The only reason I was even here today was because my craving for pie was so great I couldn’t ignore it. I desperately needed to scratch the itch. It wasn’t the only thing I was craving—I had a different kind of appetite that made me miss Cole—but this was the only craving I could satisfy for now.
It was weird, I didn’t normally crave foods like this. I really believed it was just a side effect from wanting sex badly and not being able to have it. When you couldn’t have one thing, you’d feel the emptiness with something else.
When I finished, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Now that Jameson was picking up the slack things were slowing down for me and I had a lot of free time. Free time that I pretty much only used to think about Cole.
But I was determined not to be a sad sack tonight. I’d go home and take a nice hot bath. I hadn’t had the time to do that in a while and it was something I really enjoyed, that I found very relaxing.
I started running the hot water as soon as I got home and undressed absent mindedly. I was still thinking of Cole and a bath probably wasn’t the best remedy for that. As relaxing as they were, they really only gave me a bunch of time to think. And right now, I had a one track mind.
I stepped in and the hot water felt so good against my skin. Taking off my clothes allowed the cold air to give me a chill. There was nothing I loved more than a hot bath in the fall. It was even better than in winter, since getting out of the bath in winter was torturous because it got so cold.
As I slid myself inside, I noticed something weird. Something that made my heart race.
It was my belly button. A small red circle seemed to surround it. I wasn’t sure at first—I thought maybe I was imagining it, because it was such a faint line.
But the closer I got, the more intensely I looked, the more sure I was that it was no figment of my imagination. The line was there… and I knew what that line meant.
I’d never seen it before, on anyone else, I mean. We didn’t generally look at one another’s stomachs and it would have been weird to ask, though I’d always been curious.
It was something that happened to an omega’s body when he was with child.
Never for a second did I ever consider the fact that I might be pregnant. It was so rare to get pregnant from having sex just one time, especially to someone you hadn’t been mated to. It took true love to create a baby!
So what did it mean that I already had one inside me?
I already knew. What I had with Cole, as unsure as I’d been at the time, ran deeper than even I knew. He was meant to be my mate…
And I let him slip through my fingers.
It took so long for me to process this information. I was pregnant. I had a baby inside me. Everything that I’d ever wanted was now coming true. Children had been my ultimate goal and now I finally had one.
Tears were coming to my eyes. I instinctively placed my hand on my belly. Though it wasn’t bulging with child yet, I still felt like I was protecting something. My sweet, innocent baby in there was mine to protect. He was mine to make happy and give a good life.
Suddenly, everything that Cole had been telling me for so long made so much sense.
He was right—my obligation to my tribe was absolutely nothing in comparison to my obligation to this baby. My insistence that my tribe needed me seemed so stupid now. It was bullshit. I still loved my tribe, I did, but damn… not like I loved this baby. And I only found out about it seconds ago!
I was filled with instant regret. I never should’ve let Cole go. This baby was proof there was true love there and I pushed him away. And so I could stay and be dedicated to my tribe instead? He had every right to be upset with me. I never should have chosen this.
I hoped it wasn’t too late to make the right decision.
My mind instantly changed. I wasn’t staying here. I prayed that a month later, Cole hadn’t found somebody else. I was willing to move to be with him. I’d do anything I could. I needed him. He was the father of my child and we were both going to need him going forward.
I rushed through my bath, something I never did. I scrubbed down with soap and then hopped out. I knew what I needed to do… I had to see Jameson right away. He needed to know everything. I couldn’t be here anymore…
I had to put my happiness first, for once.
12
Jameson was reading on his couch when I barged into his house. I should’ve knocked, I normally did, but I wasn’t thinking. My mind felt completely frazzled since I discovered the reality of my pregnancy. I just needed to get it out there and immediately figure out how I was going to get to Cole. That was all I cared about.
“Taylor, are you okay?” Jameson asked, immediately worried.
“Yes… No,” I said, shaking my head, unsure of how to answer. Because, really, I did feel both fantastic and horrible.
“What’s going on?” he asked in the same concerned tone.
“I’m leaving… I’m sorry. I can’t be your hand anymore. I’ve got to leave.”
Now he just looked confused. “You’ve got to…leave? To where?”
“To Cole’s tribe, to be with Cole.”
He raised an eyebrow. “But we’re already get the provisions we need, Taylor. You had no interest in Cole, you turned him down—”
“No, I had interest in him,” I told him. “I was extremely interested. I just let you think I wasn’t because I didn’t want you to feel guilty.”
“Guilty? Why would I feel guilty?” he asked.
“Because I only stayed to help you. I turned down Cole because I didn’t want to leave you during your crisis.”
“…Oh,” he said, in a monotone voice. “So you… actually do like him?”
“More than like him,” I said quickly. “I am pretty sure I love him.”
“I… wish you would’ve have told me,” he said in the same monotone voice. “I never would have wanted you to sacrifice your feelings in order to stay for me.”
“I know,” I told him. “Which is exactly why I didn’t. You were already so hurt, I didn’t want to put any more weight on you. You needed me while you were going through this with Jeffrey so I decided to be there.”
“I really do appreciate that but I could have managed, Taylor. You know I could have.”
I smiled. “Well, you can manage now, because I’m out of here.”
He let out a laugh. “I suppose I’ll have to… Why the change of heart?” he asked. “Do I seem able to handle the tribe now?”
“No, I mean, yes, you seem able to handle of it, of course. But that’s not what changed my mind.” I couldn’t help but grin as I placed both of my hands on my stomach. Jameson understood immediately.
“You’re pregnant?!” he asked.
“Yes!” I nodded emphatically.
“Congratulations!” He said ecstatically as he stood up and gave me a hug. “This is wonderful, Taylor, truly. I know how badly you wanted this.”
“I really did… I had no idea I was going to be able to do it with Cole, as we only spent one night together, but I could not be happier. I only hope that it’s not too late, that he’ll still have me as his mate.”
Jameson patted me on the back. “I’m sure he will. I remember ho
w he spoke of you, his feelings for you were genuine, Taylor. I can’t say I’m in love with the guy, he’s a little rough around the edges…”
“Don’t worry,” I told him, “I fully intend on softening those edges.”
He laughed. “I really hope that you do. I think he’ll be a better leader with you by his side. And, at the very least, he’ll be a happier man.”
I grinned again. “I really hope so.”
“Are you going to leave immediately?” he asked. “Would you like me to arrange for transportation?”
“That would be great, thank you!” I told him excitedly. We had only two planes for the entire village because very rarely did we ever go to the other tribes. We had exactly two pilots in the village currently as well, though they were training two more just in case.
So it was kind of a big deal to fly anywhere. Normally, I’d have felt guilty about inconveniencing anyone so I could do this. But right now, I didn’t care. All I cared about was how I was going to get to Cole and tell him I was carrying his baby.
“I’ll do it right away. You just worry about packing and I’ll send someone when your transport is ready.”
I wrapped my arms around Jameson—he was being so much greater about this than I thought he would. “Thank you, truly. You have no idea what your blessing means to me.”
He patted my back again. “Of course…” But there was a hint of sadness in his voice.
I released him from my embrace. “What’s wrong?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, go ahead,” I told him.
“Aren’t you… worried? Now that you know you’re about to have a child?”
“Worried? Worried how?”
“Just… I don’t know, stressed out about everything. There is so much to being a parent, so much that could go wrong, so many ways you can make mistakes, so many ways for your child to get hurt…”
I looked at him and laughed. “You know, that hadn’t really crossed my mind, I’d been kind of too happy to think about the inevitable doom that might befall my children.”