by James Wolfe
He laughed. “I’m sorry, I’m raining on your parade. It’s just these are the thoughts that keep me up at night.”
I looked at him suspiciously. “Jameson, is that the reason you don’t want kids? Because you’re afraid of all the bad things that could possibly happen?”
He frowned. “I have the whole tribe to care for and I already stress about every single tribe member on a daily basis. I love everyone dearly and constantly fear messing up… And I know if I have children, I’ll love them even more. So I’ll fear for them even more.”
“Oh, Jameson.” I patted his hand softly. “Of course there is always going to be fear when it comes to having children. But you know what is so much better than that fear?”
“What?” he asked.
“This feeling I have right now. This overwhelming feeling of joy, happiness, the sense that my heart is soon going to be carrying more love than it can bear. Yes, things could go wrong, that’s life. But fear is no reason to hold back from a family. Especially if that’s what you actually want… Is it what you want?”
He looked down. “I think it might be. I think the only thing holding me back all this time has been fear… Though I don’t know how to explain that to Jeffrey. Me not wanting to have kids literally ended our relationship. How am I supposed to go back and tell him hey, actually, I think I want them?”
“Jameson, he’s not going to care how you say it. Jeffrey misses you terribly, just as you miss him. He’s going to be so thrilled to hear that you actually want kids that he’ll be ecstatic no matter how you say it. And you need to say it. You two are perfect together… If you both want the same thing, nothing should keep you apart.”
He nodded. “I’m just afraid he won’t forgive me.”
“I really expect he will,” I told him. “But even if he doesn’t, what happens then? He chooses not to be with you? You’re already not with him. You have nothing to lose by telling him.”
He nodded. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. I need to just confess. Explain to him that it’s not that I don’t want children and that I believe I can overcome my fears associated with having them.”
I rubbed his shoulder. “I really think you can. I think you both can make it through this, if you’re just honest with each other.”
He nodded. “I hope so.”
It was a little sad to think, though, that all of this between him and Jeffrey could’ve been avoided if Jameson just spoke about his fears about having children or was open to talking about it.
“Jameson, why are you figuring this out now?” I asked.
“I don’t know…” he muttered. “I guess it’s just hearing you talk about having a baby, the pure joy on your face. I always knew I wanted that. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get it but I knew I wanted it… I still don’t know for sure. But I can’t keep watching other people experience this joy without trying to find it myself.”
I knew exactly what he meant, because I was about to find my own joy too.
I was going to go see Cole.
13
After I spoke to Jameson I went home to pack up some basics and clothes until one of our pilots, Henry, showed up at my door, letting me know he could take me whenever.
It was only a couple hours to Cole but it was the longest few hours of my life. All I could do was sit there and fantasize about seeing him.
But among my fantasies were also my fears. What if he wouldn’t have me anymore? What if it was really weird that I showed up at his village without saying anything to him? What if he completely turned me down and never wanted to see me again? What would I do?
Well, I’d still have our baby, that was for sure. And I’d raise it. And, really, wasn’t that what I wished I could always do? Have a baby, even if I couldn’t have a man? It was always the children that I wanted so badly.
But at the same time, I no longer felt that way. Now that I had a taste of Cole, someone I actually had feelings for, having a mate felt more important to me. It was one thing to claim I didn’t want a mate when I didn’t know anyone who made me feel happy, but now? Now I knew how good things could truly be.
When we landed outside of the Turanu village on their landing strip, we were immediately questioned by some Turanu that were standing guard at their gates.
“We are not expecting anyone. What is your business here?” a man dressed head to toe in black asked me.
This was the kind of thing that happened when you ran a tight ship. It wasn’t something that would ever happen at our village. We weren’t constantly on watch for threats… Which was fine enough, since there never were any threats anymore.
“I’ve came to see Cole,” I said.
“Cole lets us know of all his appointments,” he shot back quickly.
“He didn’t know I was coming…” I said sheepishly, still a little embarrassed by the fact that I was showing up totally unannounced.
“He doesn’t accept unscheduled appointments,” he returned.
“He’ll accept me,” I said quickly. “Just… go tell him that Taylor is here, please?”
I wasn’t sure if he was going to have me as his mate but I did at least know that he’d speak to me. I was confident in that much. He wasn’t going to turn me away after I’d flown here.
I told Henry that he was free to fly back, that I was confident that I wouldn’t need him anymore. Either Cole was going to accept me and I’d be staying or he’d be generous enough to send me back on one of his planes tomorrow or something. I didn’t want Henry waiting on me.
He was hesitant at first, insisting it was no trouble and he’d wait for me. I told him it was definitely fine as I got out of the plane. He really could leave.
Which he did after a few minutes, nervously, and I walked over to the front entrance to wait for the guard to let me know I could meet Cole.
I understood Henry’s nervousness. To him, and everyone else in my tribe, Cole seemed cold and uncaring. He seemed like the kind of man who would leave me stranded in his village and not help me home… But I knew better. I knew the man under the thick skin. And I knew his feelings for me. He wouldn’t leave me hanging.
The guard returned about ten minutes later and told me, yes, Cole would see me right away and he’d bring me to him.
I started to get a little nauseated as we made our way to Cole’s house. I tried to distract myself by taking in the scenes of the Turanu village.
It wasn’t like mine—there was a lot less color and decoration, especially considering it was October. This was when my own village celebrated the most with fall-themed decor everywhere. Our homes also varied quite a bit while every house here looked exactly the same. Uniqueness was clearly not valued here.
But still, it felt more homey than I’d expected. No little shops like we had, sure, but there were people walking around and chatting, clearly enjoying themselves. I didn’t know why but I had pictured everyone as stoic as Cole, walking around only to their jobs and strictly following his rules. I guess it wasn’t as strict as I’d imagined.
When we got to Cole’s house, which also looked like every other house and didn’t appear to be even a tiny bit bigger, the guard let me know he’d be leaving and I could knock on the door when I was ready. Cole must have told him that he wanted privacy or something.
I did immediately because my heart was pounding in my chest and whatever his answer was, I wanted to get it over with.
When he answered the door, it wasn’t with the same smile he once gave me when I came to his guest house. No, it was the same stoic look I saw him give everyone. No, wait, maybe it was even worse than the look he normally gave everyone.
“Taylor, come in,” he motioned.
His house didn’t really look too unlike the guest house. It was very plainly decorated. It had nothing on the walls and only the most necessary furniture that I could tell. I sat down on an armchair.
“What have you come for?” he asked.
“I came to tell you…” Where to
begin?
He waited patiently for a few moments before pushing me. “Yes?”
“Have you found someone else?” I blurted. It wasn’t what I meant to blurt. I didn’t know why I didn’t just say what I needed to say. I guess because I was afraid to tell him the truth if he was already moving on. I was afraid of the rejection.
“You came all the way here to ask if I’ve moved on?” he asked. “This is… what? Some kind of jealousy trip?”
“No!” I said quickly. “No, not at all.”
“You turned me down, Taylor. Not the other way around. So it really does not make sense to me why you would be here asking me about another person.”
“Yes, I know, I’m sorry, but… wait, does that mean you’ve found someone?”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t think that’s any of your business, Taylor, and I find this all very upsetting. If all you want to know is whether I’ve moved on then I’m going to ask that you leave.”
This was going so much worse than I thought it would.
“No, that’s really not all I want to say!” I said quickly. “I just wanted to know if you’d found someone before I said what I really want to say.”
“Well, say it.”
I sighed. “Look, I’m so sorry I ever turned you down, Cole. I really am. And I’m sorry if you’ve moved on to someone else and I’ve just showed up in your life without warning to disrupt it all. Truly, if there’s someone else I swear I can go and I’ll let you be happy with them. But if there’s any chance that you could be happy with me, that we could still be something, then I’m here for it.”
He looked at me a little skeptically. “You didn’t want me before…”
“No, that’s not true. I’ve wanted you, Cole. Well, I mean, okay, I guess when I first met you I thought you were kind of an ass. But when we made love that night, I felt more than I’d ever felt in my entire life. You lit a fire in me.”
“And yet you didn’t come with me,” he said.
“I know. And that was stupid. And I see that now. And if you’re too hurt to forgive me, I understand. But I had to try. I had to come here and try because, Cole, I think you’re my only shot at happiness. And I’m going to take any shot that I can. If there’s still a chance—”
“There is,” he told me. “But if you want me to give you one, you truly have to be in it this time. I will not fall deeper in love with you just to have you run back out of obligation to your tribe. I need a real commitment. I need a mate for life.”
“I’ll be that!” I told him. “I promise. I’ll never run back to my tribe again, not at the expense of hurting you. I see now how stupid it ever was of me to pick my tribe over you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You do?”
“I do. I was wrong. And I’m so sorry. But this is me committing to you, Cole, from this moment on. I’m only yours.”
For the first time since I arrived, a smile crossed his face and he instinctively pulled me close to him. He wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tightly in his embrace. I could smell him once again. I’d forgotten how god damn good he smelled. Never had I felt so safe as I did now in his arms.
“I love you, Taylor,” he told me. “I know in my heart that I do, even in the short time that I’ve known you. And this will only grow.”
“I love you too,” I told him. “I’ve never felt as happy as I do with you. I’m never going to let that go.”
He kissed me softly. It was a romantic kiss full of the longing that we’d both had for each other over the past few months. A longing we were unable to share with each other until now.
He pulled away after that and looked at me more seriously.
“What?” I asked nervously, hoping he didn’t still hold resentment in his heart for the way I had turned him away.
“What changed your mind?” he asked. “Why are you here now? Why do you not still feel dedicated to your tribe?”
Holy shit. I’d been so enthralled with being with him once again, I had forgotten the most important part. I still hadn’t told him that I was pregnant.
“It was the love I felt,” I told him. “The overwhelming, instinctual love that I felt… for our child. The kind of love I’ll never feel for my tribe.”
He laughed for a moment. “What? You thought about what it would be like to love our future child?”
I looked at him seriously, grabbed one of his hands, and placed it under my shirt and on my belly.
“For our current child,” I told him.
His jaw dropped. “You’re… you’re pregnant?” he gasped.
I smiled. “I’m pregnant.”
Tears immediately flooded his eyes. He pulled me in tightly again, running his hands through my hair as he cried.
“We’re going to be fathers?”
“We are.” I laughed, tears now coming out of my eyes.
As intense as it was to learn I was pregnant alone, it was so much more intense to be telling Cole. I was sharing news of our future with the man that I loved. It was wonderful, intense, and lovely. It was a truly beautiful moment. Nothing could top how I felt right now.
Except, maybe, the day we actually had the child.
He gave me several kisses all over my cheeks. “I love you, Taylor, bearer of my children. You will make a wonderful father.”
I put one hand on his face and kissed him again. “And so will you.”
Everything felt completely perfect.
Epilogue
“Ugh, but I don’t want to get out of bed!” I groaned to Cole. “It’s cold, my feet hurt, and I barely got any sleep!”
“Trust me, you want to get up for this,” he told me.
I sighed as I rolled out of bed. And when I say rolled, I do mean rolled, because I couldn’t sit up properly any longer.
As my due date neared, my stomach was the size of bowling ball. Like, possibly an actual, real bowling ball. It didn’t quite feel that heavy but it still was a weight that was not kind on my back.
In the beginning, I’d really loved being pregnant. I loved knowing a life was growing inside me, I loved rubbing my belly, I felt like I was glowing. And Cole was always doting on me, making sure I didn’t lift a finger.
Now, not so much. Now I was always exhausted, couldn’t sleep properly, or even move properly sometimes. I felt forever off balance. Cole still doted on me but now it felt like it was less cute and more a necessity. There were so many things I couldn’t do!
But I was only a few weeks away from my delivery date and I was excited to reach the end. This was totally going to be worth it once I finally had a beautiful baby in my arms.
As soon as I was standing, Cole bent down and kissed my belly and told the baby “I love you” before standing up to tell me the same before kissing my cheek. This was our new morning and nightly ritual. I had to say, it was actually pretty adorable.
“Okay, come with me,” he said, grabbing my hand.
He led me to the door and started grabbing my boots to put them on me.
“Wait, we have to go outside!?” I asked him dramatically. “I don’t want to leave the house! I’m still in my pajamas!”
“You look fantastic, my love. Nobody cares that you’re in pajamas.”
I sighed. I cared, but not enough to change. Everything felt like too much effort lately.
I followed him outside and he started walking me to the edge of the village. He made small talk as we did.
“Have you heard from Jameson?”
“Oh, yes, he called last night, actually,” I told him. “He and Jeffrey are doing very well.”
After I left, Jameson immediately went back to Jeffrey and told him everything. How he really did want a baby but he was just scared and how he hoped to work through it. Jeffrey took him back immediately, as I knew he would, and they seemed to be running the village very well.
“How far along is Jeffrey now?” Cole asked me.
“Twelve weeks,” I told him. Oh, that was the other thing, they started trying for
a baby and Jeffrey was pregnant too!
After Jameson found out, he had a little meltdown. All of his old fears seemed to come back to life and I had to talk him off the edge a bit. But he got through it. They were both very happy now and they couldn’t be any cuter.
“Okay, wait, close your eyes!” Cole said suddenly, interrupting our conversation.
“What? Why?” I asked, but before I could get an answer he was covering my eyes with his hands.
“Just hold on, keep walking with me, I got you,” he insisted.
“Babe, I already have the balance of an elephant on roller skates. Now you want to make me blind on top of that?”
“I promise, I’ve got you.”
I sighed and kept walking. I was so grumpy lately, I was always biting his head off. But he dealt with it in stride. He really seemed to deal with everything in stride.
He had changed up his leadership style significantly. He was still more of a hardass than Jameson. But when I made a suggestion at some leniency, he always took it. He had made more of an effort to consider fun and leisure around the village and people seemed to appreciate it.
Though, frankly, they seemed to appreciate Cole before I even arrived. He seemed very well loved here, just as much as Jameson was loved in my tribe. And, by extension, they all welcomed me with open arms. While Cole was busy with his leadership things, I always had someone by my side. I had met so many people, gone to lunch with so many people, all of whom always had great things to say about Cole. People were constantly telling me they were glad to see him so happy and were extremely grateful for me.
Lately I hadn’t seen many of the tribe members though, since Cole had taken a considerable amount of his usual working time and spent it with me instead. The closer I got to my due date, the more time he spent with me. And he had a few assistants to help him at this time, so it wasn’t a big issue.
“Okay, we’re here, are you ready?” Cole said excitedly.
“Sure,” I said nonchalantly, still obviously annoyed. But that annoyance dissipated as soon as I saw the surprise.