Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)

by William Somerset Maugham

  Bertha’s love, indeed, had finally disappeared as suddenly as it had arisen, and she began seriously to loathe her husband. She had acquired a certain part of Miss Ley’s analytic faculty, which now she employed with destructive effect upon Edward’s character. Her absence had increased the danger to Edward in another way, for the air of Paris had exhilarated her and sharpened her wits so that her alertness to find fault was doubled and her impatience with the commonplace and the stupid, extreme. And Bertha soon found that her husband’s mind was not only commonplace, but common. His ignorance no longer seemed touching, but merely shameful; his prejudices no longer amusing but contemptible. She was indignant at having humbled herself so abjectly before a man of such narrowness of mind, of such insignificant character. She could not conceive how she had ever passionately loved him. He was bound in by the stupidest routine. It irritated her beyond measure to see the regularity with which he went through the varying processes of his toilet. She was indignant with his presumption, and self-satisfaction, and conscious rectitude. Edward’s taste was contemptible in books, in pictures, and in music; and his pretentions to judge upon such matters filled Bertha with scorn. At first his deficiencies had not affected her, and later she consoled herself with the obvious truism that a man may be ignorant of all the arts, and yet have every virtue under the sun. But now she was less charitable. Bertha wondered that because her husband could read and write as well as most board-scholars, he should feel himself competent to judge books — even without reading them. Of course it was most unreasonable to blame the poor man for a foible common to the vast majority of mankind. Every one who can hold a pen is confident of his ability to criticise, and to criticise superciliously. It never occurs to the average citizen that, to speak modestly, almost as much art is needed to write a book as to adulterate a pound of tea; nor that the author has busied himself with style and contrast, characterisation, light and shade, and many other things to which the practice of haberdashery, greengrocery, company-promotion, or pork-butchery, is no great key.

  One day, Edward, coming in, caught sight of the yellow paper-cover of a French book that Bertha was reading.

  “What, at it again?” said he. “You read too much; it’s not good for people to be always reading.”

  “Is that your opinion?”

  “My idea is that a woman oughtn’t to stuff her head with books. You’d be much better out in the open air or doing something useful.”

  “Is that your opinion?”

  “Well, I should like to know why you’re always reading?”

  “Sometimes to instruct myself; always to amuse myself.”

  “Much instruction you’ll get out of an indecent French novel.”

  Bertha without answering handed him the book and showed the title; they were the letters of Madame de Sévigné.

  “Well?” he said.

  “You’re no wiser, dear Edward?” she asked, with a smile: such a question in such a tone, revenged her for much. “You’re none the wiser? I’m afraid you’re very ignorant. You see I’m not reading a novel, and it is not indecent. They are the letters of a mother to her daughter, models of epistolary style and feminine wisdom.”

  Bertha purposely spoke in rather formal and elaborate a manner.

  “Oh,” said Edward, somewhat mystified; feeling that he had been confounded, but certain, none the less, that he was in the right. Bertha smiled provokingly.

  “Of course,” he said, “I’ve got no objection to your reading if it amuses you.”

  “It’s very good of you to say so.”

  “I don’t pretend to have any book-learning; I’m a practical man, and it’s not required. In my business you find that the man who reads books, comes a mucker!”

  “You seem to think that ignorance is creditable.”

  “It’s better to have a good and pure heart, Bertha, and a clean mind, than any amount of learning.”

  “It’s better to have a grain of wit than a collection of moral saws.”

  “I don’t know what you mean by that, but I’m quite content to be as I am, and I don’t want to know a single foreign language. English is quite good enough for me.”

  “So long as you’re a good sportsman and wash yourself regularly, you think you’ve performed the whole duty of man.”

  “If there’s one chap I can’t stick, it’s a measly bookworm.”

  “I prefer him to the hybrid of a professional cricketer and a Turkish-bath man.”

  “Does that mean me?”

  “You can take it to yourself if you like,” said Bertha, smiling, “or apply it to a whole class.... Do you mind if I go on reading?”

  Bertha took up her book; but Edward was the more argumentatively inclined since he saw he had not so far got the better of the contest.

  “Well, what I must say is, if you want to read, why can’t you read English books? Surely there are enough. I think English people ought to stick to their own country. I don’t pretend to have read any French books, but I’ve never heard anybody deny, that at all events the great majority are indecent, and not the sort of thing a woman should read.”

  “It’s always incautious to judge from common report,” answered Bertha, without looking up.

  “And now that the French are always behaving so badly to us, I should like to see every French book in the kingdom put into a huge bonfire. I’m sure it would be all the better for we English people. What we want now is purity and reconstitution of the national life. I’m in favour of English morals, and English homes, English mothers, and English habits.”

  “What always astounds me, dear, is that though you invariably read the Standard you always talk like the Family Herald!”

  Bertha paid no further attention to Edward, who thereupon began to talk with his dogs. Like most frivolous persons he found silence onerous, and Bertha thought it disconcerted him by rendering evident even to himself, the vacuity of his mind. He talked with every animate thing, with the servants, with his pets, with the cat and the birds; he could not read even a newspaper without making a running commentary upon it.

  It was only a substantial meal that could induce even a passing taciturnity. Sometimes his unceasing chatter irritated Bertha so intensely that she was obliged to beg him, for heaven’s sake, to hold his tongue. Then he would look up, with a good-natured laugh.

  “Was I making a row? Sorry; I didn’t know it.”

  He remained quiet for ten minutes and then began to hum some obvious melody, than which there is no more detestable habit.

  Indeed the points of divergence between the pair were innumerable. Edward was a person who had the courage of his opinions, and these he held with a firmness equal to his lack of knowledge. He disliked also whatever was not clear to his somewhat narrow intelligence, and was inclined to think it immoral. Music, for instance, in his opinion was an English art, carried to the highest pitch in certain very simple melodies of his childhood. Bertha played the piano well and sang with a cultivated voice, but Edward objected to her performances because, whether she sang or whether she played, there was never a rollicking tune that a fellow could get his teeth into. It must be confessed that Bertha exaggerated, and that when a dull musical afternoon was given in the neighbourhood, she took a malicious pleasure in playing some long recitative form of a Wagner opera, which no one could make head or tail of.

  On such an occasion at the Glovers, the eldest Miss Hancock turned to Edward and remarked upon his wife’s admirable playing. Edward was a little annoyed, because every one had vigorously applauded, and to him the sounds had been quite meaningless.

  “Well, I’m a plain man,” he said, “and I don’t mind confessing that I never can understand the stuff Bertha plays.”

  “Oh, Mr. Craddock, not even Wagner?” said Miss Hancock, who had been as bored as Edward, but would not for worlds have confessed it; holding the contrary modest opinion, that the only really admirable things are those you can’t understand.

  Bertha looked at him, rememberi
ng her dream that they should sit at the piano together in the evening and play for hour after hour: as a matter of fact, he had always refused to budge from his chair and had gone to sleep regularly.

  “My idea of music is like Dr. Johnson’s,” said Edward, looking round for approval.

  “Is Saul also among the prophets?” murmured Bertha.

  “When I hear a difficult piece I wish it was impossible.”

  “You forget, dear,” said Bertha, smiling sweetly, “that Dr. Johnson was a very ill-mannered old man whom dear Fanny would not have allowed in her drawing-room for one minute.”

  “You sing now, Edward,” said Miss Glover; “we’ve not heard you for ever so long.”

  “Oh, bless you,” he retorted, “my singing’s too old fashioned. My songs have all got a tune in them and some feeling — they’re only fit for the kitchen.”

  “Oh, please give us Ben Bolt,” said Miss Hancock, “we’re all so fond of it.”

  Edward’s repertory was limited, and every one knew his songs by heart.

  “Anything to oblige,” he said.

  He was, as a matter of fact, fond of singing, and applause was always grateful to his ears.

  “Shall I accompany you, dear?” said Bertha.

  “Oh! don’t you remember sweet Alice, Ben Bolt,

  Sweet Alice with hai-air so brow-own;

  She wept with delight when you gave her a smile,

  And trembled with fe-ar at your frown.”

  Once upon a time Bertha had found a subtle charm in these pleasing sentiments and in the honest melody which adorned them; but it was not to be wondered if constant repetition had left her a little callous. Edward sang the ditty with a simple, homely style — which is the same as saying, with no style at all — and he employed therein much pathos. But Bertha’s spirit was not forgiving, she owed him some return for the gratuitous attack on her playing; and the idea came to her to improve upon the accompaniment with little trills and flourishes which amused her immensely, but quite disconcerted her husband. Finally, just when his voice was growing flat with emotion over the gray-haired schoolmaster who had died, she wove in the strains of the Blue Bells of Scotland and God Save the Queen, so that Edward broke down. For once his even temper was disturbed.

  “I say, I can’t sing if you go playing the fool. You spoil the whole thing.”

  “I’m very sorry,” laughed Bertha. “I forgot what I was doing. Let’s begin all over again.”

  “No, I’m not going to sing any more. You spoil the whole thing.”

  “Mrs. Craddock has no heart,” said Miss Hancock.

  “I don’t think it’s fair to laugh at an old song like this,” said Edward. “After all any one can sneer.... My idea of music is something that stirs one’s heart — I’m not a sentimental chap, but Ben Bolt almost brings the tears to my eyes every time I sing it.”

  Bertha with difficulty abstained from retorting that sometimes she also felt inclined to weep — especially when he sang out of tune. Every one looked at her, as if she had behaved very badly, while she calmly smiled at Edward. But she was not amused. On the way home she asked him if he knew why she had spoilt his song.

  “I’m sure I don’t know — unless you were in one of your beastly tempers. I suppose you’re sorry now.”

  “Not at all,” she answered, laughing. “I thought you were rude to me just before, and I wanted to punish you a little. Sometimes you’re really too supercilious.... And besides that, I object to being found fault with in public. You will have the goodness in future to keep your strictures till we are alone.”

  “I should have thought you could stand a bit of good-natured chaff by now.”

  “Oh, I can, dear Edward. Only, perhaps, you may have noticed that I am fairly quick at defending myself.”

  “What d’you mean by that?”

  “Merely that I can be horrid when I like, and you will be wise not to expose yourself to a public snub.”

  Edward had never heard from his wife a threat so calmly administered, and it somewhat impressed him.

  But as a general rule, Bertha checked the sarcasm which constantly rose to her tongue. She treasured in her heart the wrath and hatred which her husband occasioned, feeling that it was a satisfaction at last to be free from love of him. Looking back, the fetters which had bound her were intolerably heavy. And it was a sweet revenge, although he knew nothing of it, to strip the idol of his ermine cloak, and of his crown, and the gew-gaws of his sovereignty. In his nakedness he was a pitiable figure.

  Edward of all this was totally unconscious. He was like a lunatic reigning in a madhouse over an imaginary kingdom; he did not see the curl of Bertha’s lips upon some foolish remark of his, nor the contempt with which she treated him. And since she was a great deal less exacting, he found himself far happier than before. The ironic philosopher might find some cause for moralising in the fact that it was not till Bertha began to hate Edward that he found marriage entirely satisfactory. He told himself that his wife’s stay abroad had done her no end of good, and made her far more amenable to reason. Mr. Craddock’s principles, of course, were quite right; he had given her plenty of run and ignored her cackle, and now she had come home to roost. There is nothing like a knowledge of farming, and an acquaintance with the habits of domestic animals, to teach a man how to manage his wife.

  Chapter XXV

  IF the gods, who scatter wit in sundry unexpected places, so that it is sometimes found beneath the bishop’s mitre and, once in a thousand years, beneath a king’s crown, had given Edward two-pennyworth of that commodity, he would undoubtedly have been a great as well as a good man. Fortune smiled upon him uninterruptedly; he enjoyed the envy of his neighbours; he farmed with profit, and, having tamed the rebellious spirit of his wife, he rejoiced in domestic felicity. And it must be noticed that he was rewarded only according to his deserts. He walked with upright spirit and contented mind along the path which it had pleased a merciful Providence to set before him. He was lighted on the way by a strong Sense of Duty, by the Principles which he had acquired at his Mother’s Knee, and by a Conviction of his own Merit. Finally, a deputation waited on him to propose that he should stand for the County Council election which was shortly to be held. He had been unofficially informed of the project, and received Mr. Atthill Bacot with seven committee men, in his frock-coat and a manner full of responsibility. He told them he could do nothing rashly, must consider the matter, and would inform them of his decision. But Edward had already made up his mind to accept, and having shown the deputation to the door, went to Bertha.

  “Things are looking up,” he said, having given her the details. The Blackstable district for which Edward was invited to stand, being composed chiefly of fishermen, was intensely Radical. “Old Bacot said I was the only Moderate candidate who’d have a chance.”

  Bertha was too much astonished to reply. She had so poor an opinion of her husband that she could not understand why on earth they should make him such an offer. She turned over in her mind possible reasons.

  “It’s a ripping thing for me, isn’t it?”

  “But you’re not thinking of accepting?”

  “Not? Of course I am. What do you think!” This was not an inquiry, but an exclamation.

  “You’ve never gone in for politics; you’ve never made a speech in your life.”

  She thought he would make an abject fool of himself, and for her sake, as well as for his, decided to prevent him from standing. “He’s too ignorant!” she thought.

  “What! I’ve made speeches at cricket dinners; you set me on my legs and I’ll say something.”

  “But this is different — you know nothing about the County Council.”

  “All you have to do is to look after steam-rollers and get glandered horses killed. I know all about it.”

  There is nothing so difficult as to persuade men that they are not omniscient. Bertha, exaggerating the seriousness of the affair, thought it charlantry to undertake a post without knowl
edge and without capacity. Fortunately that is not the opinion of the majority, or the government of this enlightened country could not proceed.

  “I should have thought you’d be glad to see me get a lift in the world,” said Edward, somewhat offended that his wife did not fall down and worship.

  “I don’t want you to make a fool of yourself, Edward. You’ve told me often that you don’t go in for book-learning; and it can’t hurt your feelings when I say that you’re utterly ignorant. I don’t think its honest to take a position you’re not competent to fill.”

  “Me — not competent?” cried Edward, with surprise. “That’s a good one! Upon my word, I’m not given to boasting, but I must say I think myself competent to do most things.... You just ask old Bacot what he thinks of me, and that’ll open your eyes. The fact is, every one appreciates me but you: but they say a man’s never a hero to his valet.”

  “Your proverb is most apt, dear Edward.... But I have no intention of thwarting you in any of your plans. I only thought you did not know what you were going in for, and that I might save you from some humiliation.”

  “Humiliation, where? Pooh, you think I shan’t get elected. Well, look here, I bet you any money you like that I shall come out top of the poll.”

  Next day Edward wrote to Mr. Bacot expressing pleasure that he was able to fall in with the views of the Conservative Association; and Bertha, who knew that no argument could turn him from his purpose, determined to coach him, so that he should not make too arrant a fool of himself. Her fears were proportionate to her estimate of Edward’s ability! She sent to London for pamphlets and blue-books on the rights and duties of the County Council, and begged Edward to read them. But in his self-confident manner he pooh-poohed her, and laughed when she read them herself so as to be able to teach him.

  “I don’t want to know all that rot,” he cried. “All a man wants is gumption. Why, d’you suppose a man who goes in for parliament knows anything about politics? Of course he doesn’t.”