Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)
Page 321
Lady Frederick.
You know, it’s not bad to have the oldest baronetcy in the country but one.
Admiral.
I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England.
Lady Frederick.
And break her heart?
Admiral.
Women’s hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.
Lady Frederick.
Did you ever know my husband, Admiral?
Admiral.
Yes.
Lady Frederick.
I was married to him at seventeen because my mother thought it a good match, and I was desperately in love with another man. Before we’d been married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, and I had never seen a drunken man before. Then I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was so ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the ten years I lived with him. I’ve done a lot of foolish things in my time, but, my God, I have suffered.
Admiral.
Yes, I know, I know.
Lady Frederick.
And believe me, when two young things love one another it’s better to let them marry. Love is so very rare in this world. One really ought to make the most of it when it’s there.
Admiral.
I’m very sorry, but I’ve made up my mind.
Lady Frederick.
Ah, but won’t you alter it — like Nelson. Don’t be hard on Rose. She’s really in love with Gerald. Do give them a chance. Won’t you? Ah, do — there’s a dear.
Admiral.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but Sir Gerald is about the most ineligible young man that I’ve ever come across.
Lady Frederick.
[Triumphantly.] There, I knew we should agree. That’s precisely what I told him this morning.
Admiral.
I understand his place is heavily mortgaged.
Lady Frederick.
No one will lend a penny more on it. If they would Gerald would borrow it at once.
Admiral.
He’s got nothing but his pay to live upon.
Lady Frederick.
And his tastes are very extravagant.
Admiral.
He’s a gambler.
Lady Frederick.
Yes, but then he’s so good looking.
Admiral.
Eh?
Lady Frederick.
I’m glad that we agree so entirely about him. Now there’s nothing left but to call the young things in, join their hands and give them our united blessing.
Admiral.
Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I’ll see your brother ——
Lady Frederick.
Damned?
Admiral.
Yes, madam, damned.
Lady Frederick.
Now listen to me quietly, will you?
Admiral.
I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I once make up my mind about a thing, I never change it.
Lady Frederick.
Now that is what I really admire. I like a man of character. You know, I’ve always been impressed by your strength and determination.
Admiral.
I don’t know about that. But when I say a thing, I do it.
Lady Frederick.
Yes, I know. And in five minutes you’re going to say that Gerald may marry your pretty Rose.
Admiral.
No, no, no.
Lady Frederick.
Now look here, don’t be obstinate, I don’t like you when you’re obstinate.
Admiral.
I’m not obstinate. I’m firm.
Lady Frederick.
After all, Gerald has lots of good qualities. He’s simply devoted to your daughter. He’s been a little wild, but you know you wouldn’t give much for a young man who hadn’t.
Admiral.
[Gruffly.] I don’t want a milksop for a son-in-law.
Lady Frederick.
As soon as he’s married, he’ll settle into a model country squire.
Admiral.
Well, he’s a gambler, and I can’t get over that.
Lady Frederick.
Shall he promise you never to play cards again? Now, don’t be horrid. You don’t want to make me utterly wretched, do you?
Admiral.
[Unwillingly.] Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do — they shall marry if he doesn’t gamble for a year.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, you duck. [She impulsively throws her arms round his neck and kisses him. He is a good deal taken aback.] I beg your pardon, I couldn’t help it.
Admiral.
I don’t altogether object, you know.
Lady Frederick.
Upon my word, in some ways you’re rather fascinating.
Admiral.
D’you think so, really?
Lady Frederick.
I do indeed.
Admiral.
I rather wish that proposal of marriage had been on your own behalf.
Lady Frederick.
Ah, with me, dear Admiral, experience triumphs over hope. I must tell the children. [Calling.] Gerald, come here. Rose.
[Gerald and Rose come in.
Lady Frederick.
I always knew your father was a perfect darling, Rose.
Rose.
Oh, papa, you are a brick.
Admiral.
I thoroughly disapprove of the marriage, my dear, but — it’s not easy to say no to Lady Frederick.
Gerald.
It’s awfully good of you, Admiral, and I’ll do my best to make Rose a ripping husband.
Admiral.
Not so fast, young man, not so fast. There’s a condition.
Rose.
Oh, father!
Lady Frederick.
Gerald is to behave himself for a year, and then you may marry.
Rose.
But won’t Gerald grow very dull if he behaves himself?
Lady Frederick.
I have no doubt of it. But dullness is the first requisite of a good husband.
Admiral.
Now you must pack off to bed, my dear. I’m going to smoke my pipe before turning in.
Rose.
[Kissing Lady Frederick.] Good-night, dearest. I’ll never forget your kindness.
Lady Frederick.
You’d better not thank me till you’ve been married a few years.
Rose.
[Holding out her hand to GERALD.] Good-night.
Gerald.
[Taking it and looking at her.] Good-night.
Admiral.
[Gruffly.] You may as well do it in front of my face as behind my back.
Rose.
[Lifting up her lips.] Good-night.
[He kisses her, and the Admiral and Rose go out.
Lady Frederick.
Oh lord, I wish I were eighteen.
[She sinks into a chair, and an expression of utter weariness comes over her face.
Gerald.
I say, what’s up?
Lady Frederick.
[Starting.] I thought you’d gone. Nothing.
Gerald.
Come, out with it.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, my poor boy, if you only knew. I’m so worried that I don’t know what on earth to do.
Gerald.
Money?
Lady Frederick.
Last year I made a solemn determination to be economical. And it’s ruined me.
Gerald.
My dear, how could it?
Lady Frederick.
I can’t make it out. It seems very unfair. The more I tried not to be extravagant, the more I spent.
Gerald.
Can’t you borrow?
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] I have borrowed. That’s just it.
Gerald.
Well, borrow again.
Lady Frederick.
I’ve tried to. But no one’s such a fool as to lend me a penny.
Gerald.
Did you say I’d sign anything they liked?
Lady Frederick.
I was so desperate I said we’d both sign anything. It was Dick Cohen.
Gerald.
Oh lord, what did he say?
Lady Frederick.
[Imitating a Jewish accent.] What’s the good of wathting a nithe clean sheet of paper, my dear lady?
Gerald.
[Shouting with laughter.] By George, don’t I know it.
Lady Frederick.
For heaven’s sake don’t let’s talk of my affairs. They’re in such a state that if I think of them at all I shall have a violent fit of hysterics.
Gerald.
But look here, what d’you really mean?
Lady Frederick.
Well, if you want it — I owe my dressmaker seven hundred pounds, and last year I signed two horrid bills, one for fifteen hundred and the other for two thousand. They fall due the day after to-morrow, and if I can’t raise the money I shall have to go through the Bankruptcy Court.
Gerald.
By George, that’s serious.
Lady Frederick.
It’s so serious that I can’t help thinking something will happen. Whenever I’ve got in a really tight fix something has turned up and put me on my legs again. Last time, Aunt Elizabeth had an apoplectic fit. But of course it wasn’t really very profitable because mourning is so desperately expensive.
Gerald.
Why don’t you marry?
Lady Frederick.
Oh, my dear Gerald, you know I’m always unlucky at games of chance.
Gerald.
Charlie Mereston’s awfully gone on you.
Lady Frederick.
That must be obvious to the meanest intelligence.
Gerald.
Well, why don’t you have him?
Lady Frederick.
Good heavens, I’m old enough to be his mother.
Gerald.
Nonsense. You’re only ten years older than he is, and nowadays no nice young man marries a woman younger than himself.
Lady Frederick.
He’s such a good fellow. I couldn’t do him a nasty turn like that.
Gerald.
How about Montgomerie? He simply stinks of money, and he’s not a bad sort.
Lady Frederick.
[Surprised.] My dear boy, I hardly know him.
Gerald.
Well, I’m afraid it means marriage or bankruptcy.
Lady Frederick.
Here’s Charlie. Take him away, there’s a dear. I want to talk to Paradine.
Enter Paradine Fouldes with Mereston.
Fouldes.
What, still here, Lady Frederick?
Lady Frederick.
As large as life.
Fouldes.
We’ve been taking a turn on the terrace.
Lady Frederick.
[To Mereston.] And has your astute uncle been pumping you, Charlie?
Fouldes.
Eh, what?
Mereston.
I don’t think he got much out of me.
Fouldes.
[Good-naturedly.] All I wanted, dear boy. There’s no one so transparent as the person who thinks he’s devilish deep. By the way, what’s the time?
Gerald.
About eleven, isn’t it?
Fouldes.
Ah! How old are you, Charlie?
Mereston.
Twenty-two.
Fouldes.
Then it’s high time you went to bed.
Lady Frederick.
Charlie’s not going to bed till I tell him. Are you?
Mereston.
Of course not.
Fouldes.
Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, that I want to talk to Lady Frederick?
Mereston.
Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that Lady Frederick wants to talk to you.
Gerald.
Let’s go and have a game of pills, Charlie.
Mereston.
D’you want to be left alone with the old villain?
Fouldes.
You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man.
Lady Frederick.
I’ve not seen him for years, you know.
Mereston.
Oh, all right. I say, you’re coming for a ride to-morrow, aren’t you?
Lady Frederick.
Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon.
Fouldes.
I’m sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me over to Nice in the afternoon.
Mereston.
[To Lady Frederick.] That’ll suit me A 1. I had an engagement, but it was quite unimportant.
Lady Frederick.
Then that’s settled. Good-night.
Mereston.
Good-night.
[He goes out with Gerald. Lady Frederick
turns and good-humouredly scrutinises
Paradise Fouldes.
Lady Frederick.
Well?
Fouldes.
Well?
Lady Frederick.
You wear excellently, Paradine.
Fouldes.
Thanks.
Lady Frederick.
How do you manage it?
Fouldes.
By getting up late and never going to bed early, by eating whatever I like and drinking whenever I’m thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking no exercise, and refusing under any circumstances to be bored.
Lady Frederick.
I’m sorry you had to leave town in such a hurry. Were you amusing yourself?
Fouldes.
I come to the Riviera every year.
Lady Frederick.
I daresay, but not so early.
Fouldes.
I’ve never surrendered so far to middle age as to make habits.
Lady Frederick.
My dear Paradine, the day before yesterday, Lady Mereston, quite distracted, went to the post office and sent you the following wire: “Come at once, your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing female, Maud.” Am I right?
Fouldes.
I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed woman is mistaken.
Lady Frederick.
So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting your nephew, and were infinitely surprised to learn that the designing female was no other than your humble servant.
Fouldes.
You’d be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn’t know you were so clever.
Lady Frederick.
And now what are you going to do?
Fouldes.
My dear lady, I’m not a police officer, but a very harmless, inoffensive old bachelor.
Lady Frederick.
With more wiles than the mother of many daughters and the subtlety of a company promoter.
Fouldes.
Maud seems to think that as I’ve racketted about a little in my time, I’m just the sort of man to deal with you. Set a thief to catch a thief, don’t you know? She’s rather fond of proverbs.
Lady Frederick.
She should have thought rather of: When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war. I hear Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable things about me.
Fouldes.
Ah, that’s women’s fault; they always show their hand. You’re the only woman I ever knew who didn’t.
Lady Frederick.
[With a brogue.] You should have avoided the Blarney Stone when you went to Ireland.
Fouldes.
Look here, d’you want to marry Charlie?
Lady Frederick.
Why should I?
Fouldes.
Because he’s got fifty thousand a year, and you’re head over ears in debt. You’ve got to raise something like four thousand pounds at once, or you go under. You’ve got yourself a good deal talked about during the last ten years, but people have stood you because you had plenty of money. If you go broke they’ll drop you like a hot potato. An
d I daresay it wouldn’t be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick Berolles into Lady Mereston. My sister has always led me to believe that it is rather attractive to be a Marchioness.
Lady Frederick.
Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy.
Fouldes.
You asked me why you might want to marry a boy from ten to fifteen years younger than yourself, and I’ve told you.
Lady Frederick.
And now perhaps you’ll tell me why you’re going to interfere in my private concerns?
Fouldes.
Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, and I’m rather fond of her. It’s true her husband was the most sanctimonious prig I’ve ever met in my life.
Lady Frederick.
I remember him well. He was president of the Broad Church Union and wore side-whiskers.
Fouldes.
But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I’ve been in some pretty tight places in my day, and she’s always given me a leg up when I wanted it. I’ve got an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie married you.
Lady Frederick.
Thanks.
Fouldes.
You know, I don’t want to be offensive, but I think it would be a pity myself. And besides, unless I’m much mistaken, I’ve got a little score of my own that I want to pay off.
Lady Frederick.
Have you?
Fouldes.
You’ve got a good enough memory not to have forgotten that you made a blithering fool of me once. I swore I’d get even with you, and by George, I mean to do it.
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] And how do you propose to stop me if I make up my mind that I’m going to accept Charlie?
Fouldes.
Well, he’s not proposed yet, has he?
Lady Frederick.
Not yet, but I’ve had to use every trick and device I can think of to prevent him.
Fouldes.
Look here, I’m going to play this game with my cards on the table.
Lady Frederick.
Then I shall be on my guard. You’re never so dangerous as when you pretend to be frank.
Fouldes.
I’m sorry you should think so badly of me.
Lady Frederick.
I don’t. Only it was a stroke of genius when Nature put the soul of a Jesuit priest into the body of a Yorkshire squire.
Fouldes.
I wonder what you’re paying me compliments for. You must be rather afraid of me.
[They look at one another for a moment.
Lady Frederick.
Well, let’s look at these cards.
Fouldes.
First of all, there’s this money you’ve got to raise.
Lady Frederick.
Well?
Fouldes.
This is my sister’s suggestion.
Lady Frederick.
That means you don’t much like it.
Fouldes.
If you’ll refuse the boy and clear out — we’ll give you forty thousand pounds.