Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)
Page 327
My dear boy, I’m sure of it. Can’t you imagine what it would be to be tied to a woman who was always bound to sit with her back to the light? And sometimes you might want to kiss me.
Mereston.
I think it very probable.
Lady Frederick.
Well, you couldn’t — in case you disarranged my complexion. [Mereston sighs deeply.] Don’t sigh, Charlie. I daresay I was horrid to let you fall in love with me, but I’m only human, and I was desperately flattered.
Mereston.
Was that all?
Lady Frederick.
And rather touched. That is why I want to give a cure with my refusal.
Mereston.
But you break my heart.
Lady Frederick.
My dear, men have said that to me ever since I was fifteen, but I’ve never noticed that in consequence they ate their dinner less heartily.
Mereston.
I suppose you think it was only calf-love?
Lady Frederick.
I’m not such a fool as to imagine a boy can love any less than a man. If I’d thought your affection ridiculous I shouldn’t have been so flattered.
Mereston.
It doesn’t hurt any the less because the wounds you make are clean cut.
Lady Frederick.
But they’ll soon heal. And you’ll fall in love with a nice girl of your own age, whose cheeks flush with youth and not with rouge, and whose eyes sparkle because they love you, and not because they’re carefully made up.
Mereston.
But I wanted to help you. You’re in such an awful scrape, and if you’ll only marry me it can all be set right.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, my dear, don’t go in for self-sacrifice. You must leave that to women. They’re so much more used to it.
Mereston.
Isn’t there anything I can do for you?
Lady Frederick.
No, dear. I shall get out of the mess somehow. I always do. You really need not worry about me.
Mereston.
You know, you are a brick.
Lady Frederick.
Then it’s all settled, isn’t it? And you’re not going to be unhappy?
Mereston.
I’ll try not to be.
Lady Frederick.
I’d like to imprint a chaste kiss on your forehead, only I’m afraid it would leave a mark.
[The Footman comes in and announces Paradine
Fouldes.
Footman.
Mr. Paradine Fouldes.
[Exit.
Fouldes.
Do I disturb?
Lady Frederick.
Not at all. We’ve just finished our conversation.
Fouldes.
Well?
Mereston.
If any one wants to know who the best woman in the world is send ’em to me, and I’ll tell them.
Lady Frederick.
[Taking his hand.] You dear! Good-bye.
Mereston.
Good-bye. And thanks for being so kind to me.
[He goes out.
Fouldes.
Do I see in front of me my prospective niece?
Lady Frederick.
Why d’you ask, Uncle Paradine?
Fouldes.
Singularly enough because I want to know.
Lady Frederick.
Well, it so happens — you don’t.
Fouldes.
You’ve refused him?
Lady Frederick.
I have.
Fouldes.
Then will you tell me why you’ve been leading us all such a devil of a dance?
Lady Frederick.
Because you interfered with me, and I allow no one to do that.
Fouldes.
Hoity-toity.
Lady Frederick.
You weren’t really so foolish as to imagine I should marry a boy who set me up on a pedestal and vowed he was unworthy to kiss the hem of my garment?
Fouldes.
Why not?
Lady Frederick.
My dear Paradine, I don’t want to commit suicide by sheer boredom. There’s only one thing in the world more insufferable than being in love.
Fouldes.
And what is that, pray?
Lady Frederick.
Why, having some one in love with you.
Fouldes.
I’ve suffered from it all my life.
Lady Frederick.
Think of living up to the ideal Charlie has of me. My hair would turn a hydrogen yellow in a week. And then to be so desperately adored as all that — oh, it’s so dull! I should have to wear a mask all day long. I could never venture to be natural in case I shocked him. And notwithstanding all my efforts I should see the illusions tumbling about his ears one by one till he realised I was no ethereal goddess, but a very ordinary human woman neither better nor worse than anybody else.
Fouldes.
Your maxim appears to be, marry any one you like except the man that’s in love with you.
Lady Frederick.
Ah, but don’t you think I might find a man who loved me though he knew me through and through? I’d far rather that he saw my faults and forgave them than that he thought me perfect.
Fouldes.
But how d’you know you’ve choked the boy off for good?
Lady Frederick.
I took good care. I wanted to cure him. If it had been possible I would have shown him my naked soul. But I couldn’t do that, so I let him see....
Fouldes.
[Interrupting.] What!
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] No, not quite. I had a dressing-gown on and other paraphernalia. But I made him come here when I wasn’t made up, and he sat by while I rouged my cheeks.
Fouldes.
And the young fool thought there was nothing more in you than a carefully prepared complexion?
Lady Frederick.
He was very nice about it. But I think he was rather relieved when I refused him.
[There is a knock at the door.]
Gerald.
[Outside.] May we come in?
Lady Frederick.
Yes do.
Enter Gerald and Rose and the Admiral.
Gerald.
[Excitedly.] I say, it’s all right. The Admiral’s come down like a real brick. I’ve told him everything.
Lady Frederick.
What do you mean? Good-morning, dear Admiral.
Admiral.
Good-morning.
Gerald.
I’ve made a clean breast of it. I talked it over with Rosie.
Rose.
And we went to papa together.
Gerald.
And told him that I owed Montgomerie nine hundred pounds.
Rose.
And we thought papa would make an awful scene.
Gerald.
Raise Cain, don’t you know.
Rose.
But he never said a word.
Gerald.
He was simply ripping over it.
Lady Frederick.
[Putting her hands to her ears.] Oh, oh, oh. For heaven’s sake be calm and coherent.
Gerald.
My dear, you don’t know what a relief it is.
Rose.
I saw Gerald was dreadfully worried, and I wormed it out of him.
Gerald.
I’m so glad to be out of the clutches of that brute.
Rose.
Now we’re going to live happily ever afterwards.
[All the while the Admiral has been trying to get a word in, but each time he is about to start one of the others has broken in.
Admiral.
Silence. [He puffs and blows.] I never saw such a pair in my life.
Lady Frederick.
Now do explain it all, Admiral. I can’t make head or tail out of these foolish creatures.
Admiral.
Well, they came and told me that Montgomerie had an I.O.U. of Gerald’s for nin
e hundred pounds and was using it to blackmail you.
Fouldes.
Is that a fact?
Lady Frederick.
Yes.
Admiral.
I never liked the man’s face. And when they said his terms were that you were to marry him or Gerald would have to send in his papers, I said ...
Fouldes.
Damn his impudence.
Admiral.
How did you know?
Fouldes.
Because I’d have said it myself.
Gerald.
And the Admiral stumped up like a man. He gave me a cheque for the money, and I’ve just this moment sent it on to Montgomerie.
Lady Frederick.
[Taking both his hands.] It’s awfully good of you, and I’m sure you’ll never regret that you gave Gerald a chance.
Admiral.
May I have a few words’ private conversation with you?
Lady Frederick.
Of course. [To the others.] Make yourselves scarce.
Fouldes.
We’ll go on the balcony, shall we?
Admiral.
I’m sorry to trouble you, but it’ll only take three minutes.
[Gerald and Rose and Fouldes go on to the balcony.
Lady Frederick.
[When they’ve gone.] There.
Admiral.
Well, what I wanted to say to you was this: I like Gerald, but I think he wants guiding. D’you follow me?
Lady Frederick.
I’m sure he will take your advice always.
Admiral.
It’s a woman’s hand that he wants. Now if you and I were to join forces we could keep him out of mischief, couldn’t we?
Lady Frederick.
Oh, I’ll come and stay with you whenever you ask me. I love giving good advice when I’m quite sure it won’t be taken.
Admiral.
I was thinking of a more permanent arrangement. Look here, why don’t you marry me?
Lady Frederick.
My dear Admiral!
Admiral.
I don’t think an attractive woman like you ought to live alone. She’s bound to get in a scrape.
Lady Frederick.
It’s awfully good of you, but....
Admiral.
You don’t think I’m too old, do you?
Lady Frederick.
Of course not. You’re in the very prime of life.
Admiral.
There’s life in the old dog yet, I can tell you.
Lady Frederick.
I feel sure of that. I never doubted it for a moment.
Admiral.
Then what have you got against me?
Lady Frederick.
You wouldn’t like to commit polygamy, would you?
Admiral.
Eh?
Lady Frederick.
You see, it’s not a question of marrying me only, but all my tradespeople.
Admiral.
I hadn’t thought of that.
Lady Frederick.
Besides, you’re Rose’s father, and I’m Gerald’s sister. If we married I should be my brother’s mother-in-law, and my step-daughter would be my sister. Your daughter would be your sister-in-law, and your brother would just snap his fingers at your fatherly advice.
Admiral.
[Confused.] Eh?
Lady Frederick.
I don’t know if the prayer-book allows things like that, but if it does I think it’s hopelessly immoral.
Admiral.
Well, shall I tell them I’ve changed my mind and they can’t marry?
Lady Frederick.
Then there’d be no reason for us to — commit the crime, would there?
Admiral.
I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose not.
Lady Frederick.
You’re not cross with me, are you? I’m very much flattered, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Admiral.
Not at all, not at all. I only thought it might save trouble.
Lady Frederick.
[Calling.] Gerald. Come along. [They come in.] We’ve had our little talk.
Gerald.
Everything satisfactory?
Lady Frederick.
[With a look at the Admiral.] Quite.
Admiral.
[Gruffly.] Quite.
Lady Frederick’s Footman enters.
Footman.
Captain Montgomerie wishes to know if he may see your ladyship.
Lady Frederick.
I’d forgotten all about him.
Gerald.
Let me go to him, shall I?
Lady Frederick.
No, I’m not afraid of him any longer. He can’t do anything to you. And as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter.
Gerald.
Then I’ll tell him to go to the devil.
Lady Frederick.
No, I’m going to tell him that myself. [To the Footman.] Ask Captain Montgomerie to come here.
Footman.
Yes, miladi.
[Exit.
Lady Frederick.
[Walking up and down furiously.] I’m going to tell him that myself.
Fouldes.
Now keep calm, Betsy.
Lady Frederick.
[Very deliberately.] I shall not keep calm.
Fouldes.
Remember that you’re a perfect lady.
Lady Frederick.
Don’t interfere with me. I ate humble pie yesterday, and it didn’t agree with me at all.
[Footman enters to announce Captain Montgomerie, who follows him, and immediately withdraws.
Footman.
Captain Montgomerie.
Captain Montgomerie.
How d’you do.
[He is obviously surprised to see the others.
Lady Frederick.
[Pleasantly.] Quite a party, aren’t we?
Captain Montgomerie.
Yes. [A pause.] I hope you don’t mind my coming so early?
Lady Frederick.
Not at all. You made an appointment for half-past ten.
Captain Montgomerie.
I trust you have good news for me.
Lady Frederick.
Captain Montgomerie, every one here knows the circumstances that have brought you.
Captain Montgomerie.
I should have thought it wiser for both our sakes not to make them too public.
Lady Frederick.
[Very amiably.] I don’t see why you should be ashamed because you made me a proposal of marriage?
Captain Montgomerie.
I’m sorry you should think it a laughing matter, Lady Frederick.
Lady Frederick.
I don’t. I never laugh at an impertinence.
Captain Montgomerie.
[Taken aback.] I beg your pardon.
Lady Frederick.
Surely the receipt of my brother’s letter was sufficient answer for you. After that you must have guessed there was no likelihood that I should change my mind.
Captain Montgomerie.
What letter? I don’t understand.
Gerald.
I sent you a note this morning enclosing a cheque for the money I lost to you.
Captain Montgomerie.
I’ve not received it.
Gerald.
It must be waiting for you at the hotel.
[Captain Montgomerie pauses and looks meditatively
at the assembled company.
Lady Frederick.
I think there’s nothing for which I need detain you longer.
Captain Montgomerie.
[Smiling.] I don’t think I’ve quite finished yet. Has it slipped your memory that the two bills fall due to-day? Allow me to present them.
[He takes them out of his pocket-book.
Lady Frederick.
I’m very sorry I can’t pay them — at present.
Captain Montgomerie.
I regret
that I can’t wait. You must pay them.
Lady Frederick.
I tell you it’s impossible.
Captain Montgomerie.
Then I shall get an order against you.
Lady Frederick.
That you may do to your heart’s content.
Captain Montgomerie.
You realise the consequences. It’s not very nice to be an undischarged bankrupt.
Lady Frederick.
Much nicer than to marry a rascally money-lender.
Fouldes.
May I look at these interesting documents?
Captain Montgomerie.
Certainly. [Blandly.] I haven’t the least wish to be offensive.
Fouldes.
[Taking them.] You fail lamentably in achieving your wish. Three thousand five hundred pounds in all. It seems hardly worth while to make a fuss about so small a sum.
Captain Montgomerie.
I’m in urgent need of money.
Fouldes.
[Ironically.] So rich a man as you?
Captain Montgomerie.
Even a rich man may be temporarily embarrassed.
Fouldes.
Then be so good as to wait for one moment. [He sits down at a table and writes a cheque.] No sight is more affecting than that of a millionaire in financial straits.
Lady Frederick.
Paradine!
Fouldes.
[Handing the cheque.] Now, sir, I think that settles it. Will you exchange my cheque for those bills?
Captain Montgomerie.
Damn you, I forgot you.
Fouldes.
You may not be aware that it’s unusual to swear in the presence of ladies.
Captain Montgomerie.
[Looking at the cheque.] I suppose it’s all right.
[Paradine goes to the door and opens it.
Fouldes.
There is the window, and here is the door. Which will you choose?
[Captain Montgomerie looks at him without
answering, shrugs his shoulders and goes
out.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, Paradine, you are a brick.
Gerald.
I say it’s awfully good of you.
Fouldes.
Nonsense. I’ve got a strong sense of effect, and I always cultivate the dramatic situation.
Lady Frederick.
I shall never be able to pay you back, Paradine.
Fouldes.
My dear, I’m not entirely devoid of intelligence.
Admiral.
Well, well, I must be off to take my constitutional.
Lady Frederick.
And Rose and Gerald must take care of you. We shall all meet at luncheon.
Admiral.
Yes, yes.
[The Admiral, Rose and Gerald go out. Lady Frederick goes up to Paradine and takes his hands.
Lady Frederick.
Thanks awfully. You are a good friend.
Fouldes.
By George, how your eyes glitter!
Lady Frederick.