Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)
Page 340
Freddie.
Oh, rot! I never met a woman whom I couldn’t read at a glance.
Blenkinsop.
[Ironically.] Really?
Freddie.
You know, they talk about the incomprehensibility of women, but it’s all humbug.
Blenkinsop.
When you see a blank wall, does it ever occur to you that there’s anything on the other side?
[Mrs. Dot and Aunt Eliza come in with Lady Sellenger, Nellie and Hollington. They are all talking.
Lady Sellenger.
We had a delightful journey. Oh, how beautiful your garden is! So romantic. I love romance.
Blenkinsop.
When it’s backed by an adequate income.
Lady Sellenger.
How d’you do? You cynic.
Blenkinsop.
I’m nothing of the sort. But I occasionally tell the truth.
Lady Sellenger.
You’re the most cynical man in London, and I’m frightened to death of you.
Blenkinsop.
There’s nothing the world loves more than a ready-made description which they can hang on to a man, and so save themselves all trouble in future. When I was quite young it occurred to some one that I was a cynic, and since then I’ve never been able to remark that it was a fine day without being accused of odious cynicism.
Lady Sellenger.
My dear Mr. Blenkinsop, what every one says is always true. That is one of the foundations of society.
Blenkinsop.
I gained my reputation by remarking once that it was possible for a penniless young man who married a very rich woman old enough to be his mother to be genuinely in love with her.
Lady Sellenger.
I think it was a very cynical observation.
Mrs. Dot.
[To Lady Sellenger.] You know my nephew, don’t you?
Lady Sellenger.
How d’you do? I think we met at dear Gerald’s a week or two ago.
Freddie.
[Shaking hands.] How d’you do? [To Nellie.] Have you quite forgotten me?
Nellie.
Not quite!
Freddie.
Jolly day, isn’t it?
Nellie.
Awfully jolly.
[Mrs. Dot watches them as they shake hands.
Aunt Eliza.
[To Lady Sellenger.] Would you like me to show you your rooms?
Lady Sellenger.
Thanks, so much.
Mrs. Dot.
Freddie, is Gerald’s room ready?
Freddie.
Yes, I think so. I’ll just go and find out.
[He goes out.
Mrs. Dot.
I was so delighted to see the announcement in the morning’s paper. I offer my very warmest congratulations.
Nellie.
Thanks, so much.
Mrs. Dot.
I’ve known Gerald for ages. I’m delighted to see him on the way to such a happy marriage. I couldn’t have wished him to get engaged to any one nicer than you.
Lady Sellenger.
It’s all so romantic, isn’t it? It ought to be an answer to a cynical creature like you to see the course of true love run so smoothly.
Mrs. Dot.
[To Gerald.] I offer you also my best congratulations. I think you’re very lucky.
Gerald.
[Stiffly.] Thank you, very much. I suppose I have my usual room?
Mrs. Dot.
Yes.
[He goes into the house. Lady Sellenger and Nellie accompany Aunt Eliza. Mrs. Dot is left alone with Blenkinsop.
James!
Blenkinsop.
Hulloa!
Mrs. Dot.
Do you love me?
Blenkinsop.
Passionately.
Mrs. Dot.
[Stamping her foot.] Don’t be so silly.
Blenkinsop.
You can’t expect me to be so uncivil as to say no.
Mrs. Dot.
But I’m perfectly serious.
Blenkinsop.
Are you, by Jove? That alters the matter. In that case the answer is in the negative.
Mrs. Dot.
And is there the least chance of your falling in love with me?
Blenkinsop.
Not so long as I remain in full possession of my senses.
Mrs. Dot.
Do you want to marry me?
Blenkinsop.
Really you embarrass me very much.
Mrs. Dot.
Don’t hedge.
Blenkinsop.
It’s a little disconcerting to have a pistol put to your head in the form of a proposal of marriage.
Mrs. Dot.
I’m not making you a proposal of marriage, idiot.
Blenkinsop.
Then I should very much like to know what you are doing.
Mrs. Dot.
I’m asking you a very simple and ordinary question.
Blenkinsop.
Thank God, it’s not one that women ask often.
Mrs. Dot.
I never saw any one out of whom it’s harder to get a straight answer.
Blenkinsop.
You must make allowances for a pardonable agitation.
Mrs. Dot.
James, do you want to marry me?
Blenkinsop.
No, bless you!
Mrs. Dot.
Are you quite sure?
Blenkinsop.
Positive.
Mrs. Dot.
Would nothing induce you to marry me?
Blenkinsop.
Nothing.
Mrs. Dot.
[With a sigh of relief.] Then you may kiss my hand.
Blenkinsop.
[Doing so.] You’re not hurt?
Mrs. Dot.
I’m infinitely relieved.
Blenkinsop.
And Freddie, the dear boy, says he can read a woman at a glance.
Mrs. Dot.
Now listen to me quite seriously. I want you to do something for me.
Blenkinsop.
[Nervously.] We’ve put marriage out of the question, haven’t we?
Mrs. Dot.
Certainly.
Blenkinsop.
[Generously.] You may ask anything else of me.
Mrs. Dot.
I want you to let me make love to you.
Blenkinsop.
My dear friend, this is very surprising.
Mrs. Dot.
There are people who’d welcome the proposal with alacrity.
Blenkinsop.
For how long?
Mrs. Dot.
Only for a week.
Blenkinsop.
You’re sure it’s not in earnest?
Mrs. Dot.
Quite sure.
Blenkinsop.
And what have I got to do?
Mrs. Dot.
Well, you’ve got to look as if you liked it.
Blenkinsop.
[Sombrely.] Of course, it sounds very delightful.
Mrs. Dot.
You must show a coming-on disposition, you know, or I can do nothing.
Blenkinsop.
Do you want me to make love to you?
Mrs. Dot.
I’m afraid it’s asking a great deal of you.
Blenkinsop.
Not at all. Not at all. But I wish you’d tell me what your little game is.
Mrs. Dot.
Ah, here’s Aunt Eliza. The very person I wanted. [Aunt Eliza comes on the terrace from the house. Impulsively.] Aunt Eliza, will you be a perfect brick? Will you do something for me, that’s an awful nuisance?
Aunt Eliza.
My dear, why on earth are you so excited? Of course I’ll do anything in reason for you.
Mrs. Dot.
But it’s not in reason.
Aunt Eliza.
Well, I’ll do it all the same.
Mrs. Dot.
I want you to take a motor and bolt up to London and get a
special licence.
Aunt Eliza.
A special licence!
Blenkinsop.
A special licence!
Mrs. Dot.
[Catching sight of his face.] Get two special licences. They’re always useful things to have in a house.
Aunt Eliza.
But they must be made out to certain names.
Mrs. Dot.
Must they? How stupid! Well, have one made out for Frederick Perkins and Eleanor Sellenger.
Aunt Eliza.
My dear child, you must be crazy.
Mrs. Dot.
Now don’t argue, but do as I tell you. If two young things are thrown together with a certain amount of skill they always marry.
Aunt Eliza.
But they hardly know one another.
Mrs. Dot.
If people waited to know one another before they married, the world wouldn’t be so grossly over-populated as it is now.
Aunt Eliza.
You’re certainly quite crazy.
Mrs. Dot.
No, I’m not. I shall never get Gerald to break his word. My only chance is with Nellie.
Blenkinsop.
[Uneasily.] But you’ve told her to get two licences.
Mrs. Dot.
Make the second one out in the names of James Blenkinsop and Frances Annandale Worthley.
Blenkinsop.
I absolutely refuse.
Mrs. Dot.
But you must let me. You can’t leave an old friend in the lurch.
Blenkinsop.
It’s all very fine to invoke the claims of friendship, but it’s carrying it rather far when you pay three guineas for a special licence.
Mrs. Dot.
My dear man, I can’t drag you to the altar.
Blenkinsop.
I’m beginning to think you’re capable of anything.
Mrs. Dot.
But don’t you see, you idiot, that I want to marry Gerald Hollington? And I’m eating my heart out.
Blenkinsop.
[Crossly.] It’s evidently a diet that agrees with you. You’re growing fat on it.
Mrs. Dot.
Don’t be spiteful. I’ve not gained half a pound in the last five years.
Aunt Eliza.
And how on earth are you going to get Freddie and Nellie Sellenger to use this licence?
Mrs. Dot.
Never mind, leave everything to me. And make haste to get up to London.
Aunt Eliza.
Very well, I’ll go at once.
[Just as Aunt Eliza is going into the house Lady Sellenger comes out, followed by Nellie; Aunt Eliza stops and listens to the conversation from the doorway.
Mrs. Dot.
I hope you’ve found everything you wanted.
Lady Sellenger.
Oh, yes, thanks. I’m quite delighted with the view from my room.
Mrs. Dot.
Come and sit down. I have something very serious I want to talk to you about.
Lady Sellenger.
Dear Mr. Blenkinsop, do take Nellie for a little stroll in the garden.
Mrs. Dot.
Oh, but it concerns Nellie, and I want her to hear.
Blenkinsop.
I perceive you are inclined to think that the serious cannot fail to be improper, Lady Sellenger.
Lady Sellenger.
Be quiet, you horrible cynic.
Mrs. Dot.
Well, a most ridiculous thing has happened, and I want Nellie to help me.
Nellie.
Me?
Mrs. Dot.
My dear, it’s so unfortunate, but my nephew has fallen head over ears in love with you.
Nellie.
Nonsense!
Mrs. Dot.
I can’t understand it. After all, he’s only seen you once, and you can’t have exchanged more than a dozen words.
Lady Sellenger.
How very annoying!
Mrs. Dot.
And it’s so unexpected, because he’s not at all the sort of boy who falls in and out of love with every pretty girl he meets. I think you’re his first passion, and he’s inclined to take it very seriously.
Lady Sellenger.
Poor boy, I can afford to sympathise with him now that Nellie is safely engaged to Gerald Hollington.
Nellie.
It’s really rather flattering, isn’t it? But how on earth d’you know?
Mrs. Dot.
He tells me everything. You see I’ve always tried to be his friend as well as his aunt. He has no secrets from me.
Blenkinsop.
You’ll tell us next that a boy who’s been to Eton and Oxford has a pure and innocent mind.
Mrs. Dot.
My dear child, he simply raves about you. He’s been talking of nothing else ever since you met.
Lady Sellenger.
But doesn’t he know that Nellie is going to be married at the end of the season?
Mrs. Dot.
Of course, he does. I’ve dinned it into his ears, but it seems to have no effect on him. He’s the sort of lover that will hear of no obstacles. It’s really quite pathetic to hear the passionate harangues that he pours into my ears.
Nellie.
What sort of things does he say?
Mrs. Dot.
My dear, I suppose very much the same as Gerald.
Nellie.
No one could accuse Gerald of being a passionate lover.
Mrs. Dot.
Really?
Lady Sellenger.
I’m very glad he’s not. He’s going to be your husband, and that’s more satisfactory than any amount of pretty speeches.
Nellie.
I could wish that he talked to me of something besides the weather and the Royal Academy.
Lady Sellenger.
My dear child, what are you saying? Gerald has a charming nature and the very highest principles.
Blenkinsop.
[Imitating her pompous manner.] To say nothing of a peerage and a considerable income.
Mrs. Dot.
He certainly has every advantage over poor Freddie, who is nobody in particular and hasn’t a penny to bless himself with.
Nellie.
I think he’s awfully nice.
Mrs. Dot.
Well, that’s just what I don’t want you to think. I shouldn’t have said anything to you about his — mad infatuation, only I want you to be very careful.
Lady Sellenger.
Of course. It’s quite natural.
Nellie.
What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Dot.
Well, I want you to be very good and sweet and help me to cure him. I’d send him away, only it would have no effect. I thought if he saw you again he might find out that you have at least one or two faults. At present he thinks you too perfect for words.
Nellie.
I’m not that, really.
Mrs. Dot.
I didn’t think you were. I want you to promise that you’ll do nothing that he can in the least take as encouragement. I want you to be very distant and very cold.
Nellie.
Of course, I’ll be only too glad to do anything I can.
Mrs. Dot.
You’d be doing him a real kindness if you could snub him at every opportunity. Then you must avoid him as much as you can. Of course, you’ll be very much with Gerald while you’re down here.
Lady Sellenger.
Of course. The dears, they’ve not seen one another for a year, and they have an infinity of things to discuss.
Mrs. Dot.
It’ll be quite easy for you to show my poor Freddie that he’s only making a prodigious fool of himself.
Nellie.
I feel so sorry for him.
Mrs. Dot.
You will do what you can, won’t you?
Nellie.
I’ll make it quite plain to him at once that he mustn’t care for me.
Mrs. Dot.
Treat it as an
impertinence that you resent.
Nellie.
I’ll do that on the first opportunity.
Mrs. Dot.
I know you have the sweetest nature in the world, but if you could be really brutal to him at once, it would cure him instantly.
Nellie.
I can be horrid when I like.
Mrs. Dot.
I’m sure you can. I put infinite reliance in your tact.
Lady Sellenger.
And now I think we really might take a little turn in the garden before tea. [Seeing that Nellie, instead of accompanying her, strolls towards the house.] Where are you going, Nellie?
Nellie.
[Stopping.] I’ve just remembered I must write a letter. I’ll join you in five minutes.
Lady Sellenger.
[To Blenkinsop and Mrs. Dot who are getting up.] Oh, don’t let me disturb you, I shall enjoy wandering about and looking at the flowers by myself.
[She goes away. Just as Nellie is entering the house Freddie comes out. She gives him a glance and as she passes, drops a rose. Freddie picks it up and comes forward.
Mrs. Dot.
You monster!
Freddie.
What’s the matter?
Mrs. Dot.
Give me that flower!
Freddie.
I shall do nothing of the sort. I shall put it in my button-hole.
Mrs. Dot.
Freddie, I’ve come to the conclusion that you want a holiday. I wish you to pack up your things at once and go to Brighton for a week. You’re looking pale and tired. I’m sure you’ve been working too hard.
Freddie.
Oh, rot! I’m as fit as a fiddle.
Mrs. Dot.
Don’t you agree with me, James?
Blenkinsop.
Certainly. I think a change of air is distinctly indicated.
Freddie.
But I can’t go away when you’ve got people in the house. Besides, who’s to look after your correspondence?
Mrs. Dot.
My dear boy, your health is the chief thing. I should never forgive myself if you came to any harm while you were my secretary. I’ll write my letters myself.
Blenkinsop.
Besides, I shall be here, and I’ll do all I can to help you.
Freddie.
I don’t believe I’m pale.
Mrs. Dot.
You only have to look at yourself.
[She takes out a little pocket mirror and hands it to him.
Blenkinsop.
Let’s look at your tongue. [He puts it out.] Tut, tut, tut.
Freddie.
Look here, there’s something behind this.
Blenkinsop.
You’re too clever, my boy.
Freddie.
I see through your little game. Aunt Dot, you want to get rid of me.
Mrs. Dot.
How can you be so absurd?
Freddie.
Now, I wonder what your reason is.
Mrs. Dot.
Shall we tell him the truth?
Blenkinsop.