Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)
Page 344
I say, that’s awfully good of you.
[He takes the cheque and gloats over it. Mrs. Dot quickly takes a special licence out of the drawer and puts it on the table.
Mrs. Dot.
Now I’m going for a turn in the garden.
Freddie.
You are a brick.
[She goes out. As soon as he sees the coast is clear, he gives a peculiar whistle. Nellie comes in.
Nellie.
I thought your whistle was never coming. They wanted me to go on the river. I had to invent all sorts of excuses.
Freddie.
I don’t know how it is, but somehow we never manage to get a minute by ourselves.
Nellie.
It’s perfectly maddening. What a good idea it was of yours to meet in the garden after they’d all gone to bed.
Freddie.
Was it my idea? I always thought it was yours!
Nellie.
[With wounded dignity.] It’s not likely I should have proposed a thing like that.
Freddie.
No, it isn’t likely.
Nellie.
I’m perfectly distracted. If you only knew how that man bores me!
Freddie.
I can’t think what you ever saw in him.
Nellie.
I was never really fond of him, you know. I only accepted him because he was so desperately in love with me, and mamma wouldn’t hear of it.
Freddie.
When did you first know that you cared for me?
Nellie.
Oh, I don’t know. I think as soon as ever I found out you were in love with me.
Freddie.
[Rather taken aback.] Oh!
Nellie.
When did you begin to love me?
Freddie.
Well, you know, I was awfully flattered by your caring for me.
Nellie.
Oh!... [There is a pause.] I don’t think I quite understand.
Freddie.
[Opening his arms.] Darling!
Nellie.
[Cuddling in them.] Oh, it makes me feel so delightfully wicked. I know I oughtn’t to let you kiss me. I know it’s treachery to poor Gerald.
Freddie.
He isn’t worthy of you.
Nellie.
He simply worships the ground I tread on. I am a perfect beast.
Freddie.
We’re treating him shamefully.
Nellie.
I shall never forgive myself.
Freddie.
Poor Gerald.... He is an ass, isn’t he?
Nellie.
Oh, awful.
[They both go into shrieks of laughter.
Nellie.
Take care!
[Mrs. Dot comes in with flowers in her hands.
Mrs. Dot.
Did I leave my scissors here? Just see if you can find them, Freddie. Perhaps they’re in the next room. [He goes out.] I wonder if I left them on the writing-table.
[Nellie looks, sees the licence, starts, and turns round to hide it.
Nellie.]
[Agitated.] No, there’s nothing here at all.
[Freddie comes in with the scissors.
Freddie.
Here they are!
Mrs. Dot.
Thanks so much.
[She goes out.
Nellie.
Freddie, how could you be so incautious? It was only by the greatest presence of mind that I was able to hide it.
Freddie.
What do you mean?
Nellie.
You ought to have told me. I don’t think it was nice of you to get a licence without saying a word to me about it. I think it was a great liberty.
Freddie.
A licence?
Nellie.
You must know that I can’t marry you. Nothing will induce me to break my promise to Gerald. I’m very angry with you.
Freddie.
I haven’t the least idea what you’re talking about.
Nellie.
How can you tell such stories?
[She hands him the licence. He stares at it, utterly astonished.
Freddie.
Where did you find this?
Nellie.
It was lying on the writing-table. I suppose you’re not going to deny all knowledge of it. [He stares at it still.] Freddie, how bold of you! But you really couldn’t imagine for a moment that I’d consent to run away with you. Oh, Freddie, I’m so flattered. How you must love me!
Freddie.
[To himself.] Two thousand a year! [He takes the cheque from his pocket and looks at it. Suddenly light dawns on him. He puts cheque and licence back into his pocket.] It’s fairly clear that a licence couldn’t have got there by itself.
Nellie.
What on earth made you think of sending for it?
Freddie.
[Brazenly.] I thought it was the only way to win you.
Nellie.
Have you had it long?
Freddie.
It only arrived this morning. Look here, why shouldn’t we bolt? You don’t care a straw for Gerald, and you do care for me.
Nellie.
It would break his heart. I couldn’t, I couldn’t! Besides, where are we to bolt to? I daren’t. Mamma would never forgive me.
Freddie.
You see, with this we can be married anywhere. Let’s jump into the motor and go down to my father near Oxford. We shall arrive by dinner-time, and he’ll marry us to-morrow morning.
Nellie.
You don’t mean to say your father’s in the Church?
Freddie.
Of course he’s in the Church. I was most careful in my choice of a parent.
Nellie.
Oh, how clever of you to have a father who’s a clergyman! You think of everything, Freddie.
Freddie.
Look here, there’s not a minute to waste. Will you risk it?
Nellie.
No, no, no! Freddie, how can you ask me such a thing.... I’ll just go and put on my hat.
Freddie.
You brick.
[She runs out. He walks up and down excitedly. The servants bring in the tea. Nellie comes back with her hat on.]
Freddie.
Hurry up!
Nellie.
This is romance, isn’t it?
[They go to the door that leads into the garden, hand in hand. They are confronted by Lady Sellenger and Gerald, Blenkinsop and Miss MacGregor.
Lady Sellenger.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
Nellie.
[Promptly.] We were just going to call you all in to tea.
[Mrs. Dot comes in.
Mrs. Dot.
I’ve just had the motor brought round in case any one would like to go out.
[She goes to the writing-table to see if the licence has been removed. They all sit down and have tea.
Lady Sellenger.
Nellie, my love, I’ve been discussing a very important matter with Gerald.
Mrs. Dot.
I know. You asked him to name the day.
Lady Sellenger.
I feel that I have no right to restrain any longer the very natural impatience of these young things.
Nellie.
[Aghast.] And what did Gerald say?
Lady Sellenger.
He wishes to leave it entirely to you.
Nellie.
I’m sure that’s very obliging of him.
Gerald.
Not at all.
Mrs. Dot.
Of course, he’s all eagerness.
Gerald.
[Grimly.] Yes.
Nellie.
I would much sooner — let Gerald fix it at his own convenience.
Lady Sellenger.
I think it’s delightful, the way they give in to one another.
Gerald.
We shall only bore Mrs. Dot if we discuss the matter now.
Lady Sellenger.
W
e’re all old friends here. I’m sure Mrs. Dot will help us with her advice.
Mrs. Dot.
My own opinion is, that in these matters the sooner the better.
Blenkinsop.
When you have to take a pill the best thing is to swallow it down without thinking.
Lady Sellenger.
Cynic! What do you say to six weeks from to-day?
Nellie.
That would suit me beautifully.
Gerald.
Then there’s no more to be said.
Lady Sellenger.
What a beautiful thing love is!
[Nellie gets up.
Nellie.
[To Freddie.] Are you coming?
Freddie.
Certainly.
Lady Sellenger.
[Surprised.] Where are you going, Nellie?
Nellie.
Mr. Perkins has promised to take me for a little drive in the motor. I feel it’s the only thing to send away my headache.
Lady Sellenger.
[In an undertone.] My darling, is this wise? Remember the feelings of this poor young man.
Nellie.
[Also in an undertone.] I thought you’d like an opportunity of talking privately to Gerald.
Lady Sellenger.
Why, darling?
Nellie.
Dear mamma, the settlements.
Lady Sellenger.
[Smiling affectionately.] You sweet, practical child! You’ll be your own mother again at my age.
Nellie.
May I go then?
Lady Sellenger.
Do. But don’t be away very long.
Nellie.
[Kissing her.] Good-bye, mamma.
[She goes out with Freddie. Almost immediately the sound of a motor-horn is heard, as they drive away.
Lady Sellenger.
The dear child, she has such a sweet, trusting nature. You must kiss me, too, Gerald!
Gerald.
I shall be delighted, I’m sure.
[She puts up her cheek, which he kisses. A Servant comes in with a note.
Servant.
Miss Sellenger told me to give you this at once, Madam.
Mrs. Dot.
Oh. [She opens it and gives a cry.] Good heavens! Oh, the deceitful wretch! Lady Sellenger, how shall I tell you? It’s from Nellie.
Lady Sellenger.
From Nellie!
Mrs. Dot.
[Reading.] “Dear Mrs. Dot, I’m just off to marry Freddie. Break it to Mamma gently.”
Lady Sellenger.
[Starting up.] Impossible! Stop them! Stop them! Where are they?
Mrs. Dot.
[Reading.] “I couldn’t marry Gerald. He’s too great a” — there’s a word in big letters. I never could read capitals.
[She hands the note to Gerald.
Gerald.
The word is “B. O. R. E.”
Mrs. Dot.
[Pretending to be much surprised.] Bore!
Blenkinsop.
[With immense satisfaction.] Bore!
Aunt Eliza.
[Meditatively.] Bore!
Lady Sellenger.
Oh, how monstrous! My poor Gerald, what shall I do?
[Gerald goes into a roar of laughter. He laughs louder and louder.
Lady Sellenger.
Gerald! Gerald! Don’t! Pull yourself together. The poor boy, he’s perfectly hysterical. Where are my salts? Mrs. Dot, for heaven’s sake calm him down. Oh, my dear! You mustn’t upset yourself yet.
Blenkinsop.
He looks cut up, doesn’t he?
Lady Sellenger.
We’ll pursue them. There’s no harm done yet. We’ll catch them. I promise you we’ll catch them. You shall marry her, Gerald, if I have to drag her to church by the hair of her head.
[At this he stops suddenly and stares at her in dismay.
Gerald.
What are you going to do?
Lady Sellenger.
We must chase them. Where’s your motor, Mr. Blenkinsop? Didn’t you tell me it was the fastest machine in England?
Blenkinsop.
I did say something of the sort.
Lady Sellenger.
We shall catch them up. Gerald, you must drive me. I can’t trust any one else to go fast enough.
Mrs. Dot.
But you don’t know which way they’ve gone.
Lady Sellenger.
Don’t be so silly. Of course they’ve gone to Brighton. When people elope they always go to Brighton.
[Mrs. Dot slips out of the room.
Gerald.
And what’ll you do if we come up to them? You can’t force them to come back.
Lady Sellenger.
If a woman can’t force her daughter to marry any man she chooses, I don’t know what the English nation is coming to.
Gerald.
I won’t marry the girl against her will.
Lady Sellenger.
Fiddlededee! Of course you’ll marry her. Who is this creature she’s run away with? Perkins! Perkins with a P. I never heard anything so ridiculous. Do you suppose my daughter is going to be Mrs. Perkins — Perkins with a P?
Blenkinsop.
You couldn’t very well spell it with a W could you?
Lady Sellenger.
Hold your impudent tongue, sir!
Gerald.
Now, let’s have this out and be done with it. I’m no more in love with Nellie than she is with me, I was going to marry her because I’d promised to, and it seemed a low down trick to draw back....
Lady Sellenger.
The man’s mad. The shock has turned his brain.
Gerald.
When I heard she’d bolted, I could have jumped for joy. I seem to have awaked out of a ghastly nightmare. Nothing will induce me to try and catch her up.
Lady Sellenger.
You monster! How dare you trifle with the affections of my daughter! You don’t mean to stand by and see her marry a man called Perkins!
Gerald.
I wouldn’t even mind if she married a man called Vere de Vere.
Lady Sellenger.
Very well, then, the chauffeur shall drive me. You’re a heartless brute. Perkins with a P. And penniless to boot.
[She flounces out of the room and bangs the door.
Gerald.
Where’s Mrs. Dot?
[He goes into the garden.
Blenkinsop.
What a charming mother-in-law that woman will make!
[Mrs. Dot comes in with a large kitchen knife in one hand and a poker in the other.
Mrs. Dot.
I’ve done it!
Blenkinsop.
Done what?
Mrs. Dot.
Lady Sellenger thinks she’s going in your motor, but she isn’t.
Blenkinsop.
[Starting up.] What have you done to my motor?
Mrs. Dot.
As soon as she talked of it, I ran to the kitchen and seized this knife and I seized this poker.
Blenkinsop.
Woman!
Mrs. Dot.
I’ve ripped up all the tyres, they’re simply in ribands, James.
Blenkinsop.
Good Lord!
Mrs. Dot.
I don’t know what I’ve done to the steering gear, but I know it’ll never work again. Oh, it’s in an awful state.
Blenkinsop.
But that’s a bran-new motor. I’ve just paid eighteen hundred pounds for it.
Mrs. Dot.
And so that there shouldn’t be any risk I opened the place where the works are, and I rummaged around with the poker. I think I’ve smashed everything.
Blenkinsop.
Oh! Oh!
[He buries his head in his hands.
Mrs. Dot.
The thing’s a wreck and a ruin. You should have seen the tyres go flop, flop, flop.
Blenkinsop.
But I’m going to race next week.
Mrs. Dot.<
br />
It’ll be impossible to move it for a month. It is in a state.
Blenkinsop.
Eighteen hundred pounds!
Mrs. Dot.
I don’t know how much it’ll cost to put right. You don’t mind, James, do you?
Blenkinsop.
Mind!
Mrs. Dot.
I shouldn’t like you to be cross with me.
Blenkinsop.
[Furiously.] Oh!
Mrs. Dot.
You won’t let this disturb your affection for me? Remember that you’re going to marry me.
Blenkinsop.
Marry you. I’d rather marry my cook.
[He flings out of the room.
Mrs. Dot.
[Looking after him, innocently.] He is in a temper, isn’t he? It’s very hard to please everybody in this life.
Aunt Eliza.
You’re quite incorrigible.
Mrs. Dot.
Would you mind taking these implements away? I’m really very tired.
Aunt Eliza.
I suppose breaking motors is rather hard work.
Mrs. Dot.
And you get very little thanks for it.
[Aunt Eliza goes out. Mrs. Dot sinks into a chair, with a sigh of relief. Gerald comes in. She realises that he is behind her, but pretends not to notice him. He comes up softly.
Gerald.
Dot!
Mrs. Dot.
[Pretending to start.] Oh, how you frightened me! You might remember that my nerves are in a very agitated state.
Gerald.
You asked me a question a little while ago. I can answer it now.
Mrs. Dot.
I’m so sorry, I’ve quite forgotten what it was. It can’t have been of the smallest importance.
Gerald.
You asked me if I loved you.
Mrs. Dot.
How absurd! And do you?
Gerald.
With all my heart, and I’ve loved you passionately from the first moment I saw you.
Mrs. Dot.
With never a day off?
Gerald.
With never a day off. I wanted to tell you every minute, and yet I couldn’t be such a cad.
Mrs. Dot.
[Sarcastically.] It’s awfully nice of you to say all this, and I can’t tell you how flattered I am.
Gerald.
Dot!
Mrs. Dot.
Only it’s rather late in the day. I’ve promised my hand and heart to James Blenkinsop.
Gerald.
Fiddle!
Mrs. Dot.
[Raising her eyebrows.] I beg your pardon?
Gerald.
[Firmly.] Fiddle!
Mrs. Dot.
Are you under the delusion that because a happy chance has freed you from a previous engagement, I’m going to seize the opportunity and leap into your arms?
Gerald.
You know, women are brutes. One tries to do the straight thing and behave more or less like a white man, and they make you feel as if you’d been an utter beast.