Mae sighed. ‘Let’s talk about that. How’d you manage to do that?’
‘Nice try with the deflection,’ replied Ji Su, shoving the envelope in Mae’s hands again. ‘Open it.’
‘Can I just … can we just have one last day of fun and no worrying? Please?’ asked Mae.
Ji Su looked at her and shook her head. ‘Just get it over and done with.’
‘Pleeeeease?’ said Mae.
Ji Su sighed. ‘You know part of your problem is always wanting to bury your head in the sand?’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Mae, feeling that Ji Su was probably right.
‘You know what I mean. You never want to face up to things. Things, by the way,’ she added, looking at the envelope, ‘that will still be there when you get your head out of the sand.’
Mae gave Ji Su her most pathetic look. Her friend looked at her for a while and just sighed.
‘Fine,’ said Ji Su. ‘But I don’t get how you can wait to see your results. I’d go mad.’
‘Yeah, well, I think we’ve established we’re both a little different when it comes to this stuff. Most stuff.’
‘No. Not most stuff.’
That’s when Ji Su took Mae’s hand again and didn’t let it go, all the way to Skimpy’s. After lunch they sat in the park, reading and talking about moving Mae’s things to the flat until they realised they should stop lazing around and go and actually collect them.
Ji Su didn’t hold Mae’s hand this time when they got up and it was as if they could both feel the lack of it. Silence seemed to fall between them, and not the natural ones they were used to. Something had shifted but Mae wasn’t sure what. She kept on trying to fill in the quiet with inane comments like: ‘Do you think I should get that sweater from H&M?’ Or, ‘Nice day, isn’t it?’ She hated herself for that last one. Who knew that one day she’d turn into the kind of person who talked about things like the weather. When she put the key in the door, she could feel Ji Su behind her, watching her, and Mae’s heart beat faster. She wanted to tell her that she couldn’t come in, that she should go back to her flat, because this feeling that Mae was having was overwhelming her and she didn’t know what to do about it. And at the same time, she knew she didn’t want Ji Su to leave. As Mae opened the door to her room, she wondered what other kinds of doors she might be opening. Each action, each step, felt charged with something like change, though Mae hardly knew why.
‘Room’s a mess, obviously,’ said Mae. ‘How’d you feel about that when we’re living together?’
‘I’m used to it. And any time I get annoyed I’ll just beat you with a stick, of course.’
They entered the room and unfortunately the silence was only made worse by the lack of people around them now. It was just the two of them.
‘Can’t put it off for ever, you know,’ said Ji Su.
‘Huh?’
‘Your results.’
‘Oh.’
Why was there so much life happening right now? Mae wasn’t sure what to do with so many feelings. She looked at Ji Su and thought how beautiful she was and without even thinking about it, went to touch her face. Her skin was as smooth as it looked and Ji Su moved towards her, there barely being a few inches between them.
‘What am I doing?’ whispered Mae.
‘Whatever you want to.’
Mae swallowed hard before she closed her eyes, unable to do anything but just stand there until she felt Ji Su’s lips on hers. The second set of lips she’d ever felt on hers, and she couldn’t even remember the first. This was wholly new and yet didn’t feel weird. Mae kissed her back, thinking how warm and comfortable it was, and how nice it felt to have Ji Su’s arms now wrapped around her, and then she opened her eyes, just a little, to see Ji Su’s face, her eyes closed, and the feelings that she was having began to drift away. Perhaps she needed more time to get into it, so she closed her eyes again, kissing her even harder.
‘Ow,’ said Ji Su.
‘Oh God, sorry.’
‘It’s okay.’ Ji Su tucked a strand of hair behind Mae’s ear. ‘Just, you know, take it easy.’
Mae nodded, but this time became so self-conscious she barely opened her lips, let alone her mouth. Ji Su’s hands that were now in Mae’s hair felt uncomfortable. She pulled back.
‘Is it okay?’ asked Ji Su.
‘Yeah, no, it’s fine.’
‘Fine?’
Mae nodded. Oh God! What was happening? It had felt so right up until that moment. Mae had felt something, she was sure of it. How could she not? All you had to do was look at Ji Su to get it. Mae took both her hands in hers.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing,’ replied Mae.
Ji Su went back in to kiss her but this time Mae pulled back.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘No, no …’
How was she meant to explain it? She hardly understood it herself.
‘I really like you,’ began Mae.
There was a pause. ‘Right …’
‘But maybe we should stop.’
Another pause. ‘Why?’
‘Dunno. Kind of weird, isn’t it?’
Mae saw Ji Su stiffen. ‘Weird?’
‘Oh no, not like that. You’re amazing, you know?’
‘But?’
‘It’s not a but. Well, I guess it is when you put it like that. It’s just … I thought I felt something. I did feel something. I mean, look at you. You’re bloody beautiful.’
Ji Su just looked at Mae with her discerning gaze.
‘I mean, it’s ridiculous how hot you are. Can’t believe you’d even look twice at me.’
‘Shut up.’
‘I don’t know …’ said Mae, wishing it didn’t have to be so complicated. ‘Something doesn’t feel right to me about it. Do you know what I mean?’
Ji Su took her hands out of Mae’s. ‘I see.’
This was it. This is what happened when you opened your stupid mouth and tried to be honest about something. Mae panicked. What if Ji Su left and never spoke to her again?
‘I do like you,’ said Mae. ‘You’re amazing.’
‘Mhmm. I think I’m going to go.’
‘What? No. Stay, let’s talk about it. Please.’
Ji Su looked at her. ‘I don’t want to talk any more.’
How could this be happening? Just a few hours ago they were in the park, plucking daisies from the grass and flicking them at each other, sipping from the same can of Diet Coke.
‘Don’t you care about me?’ said Mae, sounding more pathetic than she wished.
She didn’t get why Ji Su looked so angry. Wasn’t she always the one who said that you should be honest with the person you’re with? Didn’t she tell Mae she should never feel like she has to do anything physical with anyone? When Ji Su didn’t speak, Mae couldn’t help but blurt it out: ‘You’re the one who says you should feel comfortable in any physical relationship.’
That’s when she noticed there were tears in Ji Su’s eyes. ‘I didn’t realise this was any relationship.’
It took a moment for the weight of these words to hit Mae. ‘What? No. That’s not what I meant.’
Ji Su just shook her head and grabbed her bag. ‘Hey, listen, it’s fine. You’ve said enough for the both of us.’
‘Hang on. I’m moving in with you.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
Mae’s heart sank. ‘What? Why are you overreacting?’
‘Overreacting? I’m not the one who made the first move here, Mae. You did. Yeah, I had feelings for you, but I didn’t know what you were about, so I just went along with being friends, because that’s fine. You’re the one who decided to change things.’
‘So? Can’t we just change things back?’
Ji Su shook her head as if in disbelief. ‘Do you think things are that simple?’
‘It was only a kiss,’ Mae exclaimed.
‘Oh, right. Is that all it was?’
‘You know what I
mean.’
‘No, actually,’ said Ji Su. ‘I don’t. Even you don’t know what you mean half the time.’
‘It’s uni, we’re students. Isn’t this what students do?’ said Mae.
‘Jeez, I knew you were naive, but this … Uni isn’t the fulfilment of this idea you’ve built up in your head, Mae. It’s not some box-ticking activity.’
‘I know that.’
‘Do you? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like you wanted to mess around with me, then you changed your mind and you know what? That’s fine. You can. But you can’t have it all your way. You can’t be friends with someone for months, kiss them, change your mind and think it’s all right to go back to the way things were because, oh, look, that’s what students do.’ Ji Su threw her bag over her shoulder. ‘You need to grow up.’
The words hit Mae like a small knife, just below her left collarbone.
‘I am grown up,’ was all she could manage to respond with.
‘Yeah, you sound it.’
‘But—’
‘I’m done here, Mae. All these months I thought we could be friends and then this happened. I don’t think I do want to be just friends with you.’
‘Do you … do you have feelings for me? Real ones?’
Ji Su let out a small laugh, but not because she found what Mae said funny. ‘You’re something else. Here I was, buying this whole innocent charade.’
‘What charade? I didn’t— I couldn’t tell.’
‘Yeah. Right.’
With that Ji Su opened the door and slammed it shut behind her.
Mae sat on the edge of her bed for ages after Ji Su left, playing the entire scene back in her head. It didn’t make sense. She had wanted to kiss Ji Su, be close to her, until of course she didn’t. She retraced the steps of her emotional change and of course it all came to the point where she’d pulled back from the kiss. She had been attracted to Ji Su. Hadn’t she? Well, Mae knew she’d admired her. Perhaps she’d mistaken admiration for attraction. How the hell were you meant to tell one from the other? Especially when someone was being so kind and friendly and listened to everything you had to say? Mae was embarrassed to have dumped everything on Ji Su and then not been able to give her what she wanted in return. The conversation felt unfinished though and Mae was meant to be moving out of her room today. Where would she go? Things couldn’t be left like this, surely? She picked up her phone.
I dont wanna lose you. Plz lets talk? Xxx
It was a bit desperate, but then Mae felt desperate. It only took a minute for the response from Ji Su to come:
You feel how you feel. But don’t message me. If and when I’m ready to speak to you, I’ll message.
Mae put her head in her hands. Was that it? She wished she could call one of her sisters to ask them what to do. But none of them would understand. How could they? She flung her legs on to her bed to lie down and stare at the ceiling when she brushed against an envelope. Her results! One problem had overtaken another potential problem. She wished she could leave it for one more day, but what was the point? Maybe there’d be some good news in there for her? She slid her finger through the flap and took out the transcript, turning it over to the blank page.
‘Deep breaths, Mae. Deep breaths. How bad could it be?’
Her heart felt as if it had leapt from her stomach into her throat and a dull thud began to take place in her head. Turning the transcript over she looked at the breakdown of marks, trying to find the crucial detail of her final mark. Then she found it.
‘What?’ she whispered as she swallowed hard.
She flipped through the pages to see if she’d read it wrong. Maybe that was the result for just one of her modules. That couldn’t be right. It didn’t matter how hard she looked though, there was no other mark to be found. She looked through the breakdown of each module, the mark for each coursework assignment and every exam she took. She had barely scraped by in some and in others she’d failed so badly that it meant … she couldn’t quite believe it … she’d failed completely. How could this be happening? Mae wanted to be sick but instead reached for her phone to call Ji Su. Her finger hovered over her name, but Mae couldn’t be that selfish, not when Ji Su had said not to contact her. She put the phone back down and stared at the piece of paper again, as if doing so would change its contents. What did this mean? It was too late to go to the office and ask what happened. Could she sit the exams again? Would she have to retake the whole year? What about the money her parents had spent for her to be able to actually study? What a waste. Mae got up and paced around her room, asking questions to which she had no answer and could get no possible answer. She went out for a walk, wandering the streets, the air warm with summer. People were out in their skirts and shorts, laughing and gossiping in groups. Why couldn’t she be one of them? She had no choice but to eventually go back to her dorm, crowds of students celebrating their end of year results as she locked herself up in her room. Would someone come knocking and throw her out? No one new would be moving in and where else could Mae possibly go at this time? She had to speak to someone in the office the following morning. She didn’t even bother to change her clothes as she lay down in bed and spent the entire night tossing and turning.
The following day she went straight to the office, not bothering to wash her face or change out of yesterday’s clothes.
‘Right, well, looks to me you’ll have to retake the year,’ said the administrative assistant.
‘No, come on. Can’t I speak to someone else? Isn’t there a chance to retake?’
‘If you’ve failed one module and passed all the others, then yes. But looking at your results, I’m afraid that won’t be an option.’ She must’ve seen the distressed look on Mae’s face. ‘Are there any teachers who’d vouch for you? Help you out maybe?’
It was useless. ‘No,’ said Mae quietly. ‘No one.’
She left the office and tried to register the fact that not only had she lost her one friend, but she’d have to repeat the same year all over again. When she got to the dorm there was a notice to say she’d have to leave that day. Things had changed too much too fast and there were no other options for her now.
Sistaaaas
Mae: Guess wot guys! Im comin home. Get the red carpet out.
Her own fake chirpy message made her cringe, but there was no way she could let on what had happened. How would she be able to look her parents in the face? How could she tell them all, with any dignity at all, that not only had she failed, but that she was, in fact, a failure?
Chapter Seven
Mae tried to come up with all sorts of places she could hover for a while before having to catch her train in the hopes of bumping into Ji Su. She even considered going to the Women’s Union to see if she was there, meeting up with any of its members, but then thought it might come across a bit stalkery. She had some pride. Even though it felt pretty battered.
You need to grow up.
Innocent charade.
Charade?
Mae was grown up, though. What did Ji Su mean by it? Just because Mae didn’t have life experiences she was somehow less of an adult? And innocent charade? That was offensive – as if the whole time they’d been hanging out somehow Mae had been deceiving Ji Su. This felt like a gross injustice against her. The more Mae thought about it, the more her sadness turned into anger. Ji Su had thrown accusations at her and she’d been too shocked to even register them, let alone respond. Why wouldn’t she ask whether Ji Su really had feelings for her? Could she not see the disparity between them? It wasn’t long before Mae lost the energy to be angry. She carried her heavy cases, with an even heavier heart, to the station to go back home.
This time her dad came and picked her up.
‘My darling bud of Mae has come home at last,’ he said. ‘What was this staying away all summer? Hmm?’ He looked her up and down and cleared his throat. ‘You’re having too much fun in the uni, aren’t you? You are behaving, though, yes? Being my good girl?’
&n
bsp; Mae had flashbacks of taking shots of vodka, almost going home with a random man … kissing another girl.
‘Obvs, Padre.’
Mae tried to give him her most convincing smile, covering her lies and sense of guilt that she’d wasted her parents’ money. Even she didn’t feel very convinced by it but her dad didn’t seem to notice. She sank down in the passenger seat.
When they got to the house everyone was there. All Mae could think was, great, this is actually Groundhog Day. They all seemed to pause when they looked at her. Did they know something? Was failure written on her forehead? Her dad cleared his throat again – did he have a throat problem or something? – and breaking whatever spell that had them staring at Mae.
‘One year down, two to go,’ exclaimed Fatti, rocking Adam in one arm. ‘I’m so proud of you. Excuse me, I think he’s done a poo.’
There was no way she could explain this one to her family. Failing university was one thing, but failing the first year, and for Media Studies? Her dad would be baffled and everyone would know she was incapable of succeeding at anything on her own. She’d always been the baby of the family and it had become clear she couldn’t fend for herself. Ji Su was right. She wasn’t a grown-up.
Everyone bustled around her, just like they had during Easter, so she went to go to her room. That’s when she remembered her room was a shoebox.
‘Why do I have to live like this?’ exclaimed Mae, stomping back down the stairs into the living room.
‘What do you mean?’ said her mum. ‘He’s your brother. Have some respect. And don’t you care about your niece and nephew? That they should have a room to stay and be looked after by their grandparents.’
‘Hello, I thought adults got dibs on stuff like that?’
‘What dibs?’ said her mum. ‘Behave like an adult then.’
Argh.
‘Anyway, you won’t be here long, will you? You’ll be going back to university so what does it matter?’
‘Jay’s hardly ever at home, why can’t he have the box room?’
‘Give your brother a box room? He’s a man. He needs his space.’
God, if Ji Su could hear her mother now she wouldn’t be so quick to defend her whenever Mae complained about her. She looked at her dad for support, but he merely shrugged.
The Hopes and Triumphs of the Amir Sisters Page 8