Chapter Seventeen
Mae set off early to go back home the following day. Now that she knew that she wanted to start university again she didn’t want to waste any more time. She’d have to contact uni, ask what to do, how to go about reapplying. Get a loan. More than that, she’d have to figure out what she’d actually apply to do. Mae felt the possibilities of life blossoming before her until she thought about Abdul-Raheem. With each mile that drew her closer to him, her dread seemed to expand and before facing all of that she drove towards the one place that she knew would give her some peace of mind.
Alison wasn’t there this time, but a man called George.
‘I wanted to see Ginger, if that’s okay?’ she asked, explaining that Alison knew her and she’d gone for a ride on him a few times.
‘Not available right now, I’m afraid,’ he said.
‘It’s okay, I’ll wait.’
‘Suit yourself,’ he said and went back to fiddling between two notebooks.
It was half an hour before Ginger returned and Mae’s heart swelled at the sight of him.
‘Do you mind if I take him for a ride now?’
‘No availability,’ he replied. ‘I’m here on my own and I can’t accompany you. Unless you can ride on your own?’
Mae hesitated for a moment. Things could go wrong, but today of all days, she needed to do this.
‘Yeah,’ she lied. ‘I can.’
‘All right then.’
George brought Ginger out and set Mae up. He looked at her dubiously as she put one of her feet in the stirrup, still struggling somewhat to get on to the saddle with any form of grace.
‘You sure you can do this? I don’t want any injuries,’ he said.
‘Of course. We’re old friends, aren’t we, Ginger?’ she said, patting his neck.
George led her towards the field as he said, ‘Back in forty minutes, all right?’
Mae nodded as a thrill passed through her body at being on a horse, in the middle of a field, all alone.
‘Look at that,’ she said, barely able to hold back her smile.
Ginger’s trot got a little too fast and Mae pulled at the reins, except a little too much because he almost slowed down to a halt. She gripped her legs to the side tighter than she had done before and could feel the muscles already hurting.
‘A little to the right,’ she said, pulling the reins and she wondered whether it was because Ginger and she were in sync or if it was just riding a horse that felt natural to her. There were nerves, but the good kind. She’d read about the rising trot and wondered if she should try it. It had said that once you got used to it, it was easier than the sitting trot. She pushed her hips up as one diagonal pair of Ginger’s legs rose, and sat back in the saddle as the other pair rose. It was easy enough to find her rhythm, almost as if she didn’t have to think about it at all – she just went with the motion of the horse, murmuring to Ginger all the way.
‘Whoa, boy,’ she said as they got back to the stable, George waiting at the gate with his arms crossed.
He’d been looking at her from afar. ‘I see the horse likes you, and you did well. How many lessons have you had then, apart from the ones here?’
Mae felt her face flush. ‘Not many.’
‘You’re a natural then.’
Mae beamed as she got off Ginger and jumped to the ground.
‘You think? Thanks. Oh, hang on, I have something,’ she said.
She left to go to the car and returned a few minutes later, handing the book Alison had given her to George.
‘Could you make sure that Alison gets this?’
‘Hmm,’ he said, looking at it. ‘She loves this book. Lent it to you, did she?’
‘Yeah.’
‘All right.’
Mae went over to Ginger and patted his forehead. ‘I’ll miss you. But I’ll be back.’
‘Sure he’d like to go for another ride,’ said George.
‘Me too,’ replied Mae. ‘Oh, and can you tell Alison I said thanks.’
‘For what?’ he asked.
She paused. ‘Just thanks. I think she’ll get it.’
Mae took another look at Ginger before walking back to her car, feeling ready to do the inevitable.
Unfortunately, the inevitable involved stopping at work where she’d called in sick. Barry was standing outside the hut with a clipboard and pen in hand, his head bowed in concentration and white shirt damp with sweat.
‘What are you doing here?’ he barked when he looked up to find Mae standing in front of him. ‘Thought you were ill. Look okay to me.’
‘It was more of an emergency really,’ she replied.
He shook his head. ‘I had to have that idiot Stuart take over from Leanne at the booth. She’s the only one short enough to be the horse’s arse.’
‘Sorry. Can I go in? I need to see Abdul-Raheem.’
‘You two,’ he exclaimed. ‘Tell him if he’s taking a break now then he’d better not try and pull a fast one and take another one.’
Mae raised her eyebrows at him.
‘All right, all right. I know,’ added Barry. ‘He’d give me part of his salary back if he thought he’d taken the mick.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Fine, whatever.’
Just as Mae was about to walk on, Barry pointed to her and said: ‘And don’t you go breaking his heart or anything, all right?’
Yeah, thanks, Barry.
She walked through the park, making her way towards the carousel where she and Abdul-Raheem usually stood at this time of the day. There he was, in the costume, and Mae remembered the first day they’d met. How many conversations do you have in life with a stranger where you just never want it to end? In all of Mae’s years, how many times had she felt this way? And how many people had felt this way about her?
None.
‘Mae,’ came Abdul-Raheem’s voice as he took his horse’s head off.
‘Hi.’
‘Barry said you were ill.’
‘Yeah, thanks for checking up on me,’ she replied.
Leanne’s head popped out from behind Abdul-Raheem. ‘You two. Jeez. I’m going for a fag.’
With which she walked away.
‘I wanted to but …’
‘I guess we should talk,’ said Mae. ‘Properly.’
He nodded.
‘What? Now?’ he added.
‘Been long enough, don’t you think?’
So, they walked in silence towards the staffing area, which was quiet and would be for another half an hour until lunch time.
‘I went to uni yesterday,’ she began as they took a seat on a bench.
‘Oh. Why?’
‘Just. I kind of missed it.’
He smiled. ‘And?’
‘And, I think I do want to go back. I mean, I know I do.’
This time he laughed and grabbed her hand. ‘I knew you’d want to go back. This place is too small for you, Mae.’
She squeezed his hand. ‘The thing is …’
‘What?’
‘I want to go back alone.’
She noticed him swallow, his grip on her hand loosening.
‘What do you mean “alone”?’
‘Like, on my own.’
‘So, without me?’ he asked.
‘No … Well, yeah. I guess that’s what it means.’
He let go of her hand and looked at her. ‘Why?’
Mae had had several hours to think of how to say all this to her boyfriend but she still hadn’t managed to come up with anything that didn’t sound ungrateful. Nothing which didn’t make her feel as if she was letting him down. She supposed she was letting him down, and wasn’t it selfish to do that to another person, just so you could go and do what you wanted? Even though what she really wanted was for him to come to uni with her as her boyfriend, not husband. In the end though, even that wouldn’t be brave, would it?
‘Because some things you should do on your own,’ said Mae.
‘How woul
d I be stopping you? You know I want to go back to university too.’
‘I know, but … can’t you see it’d be too much? Becoming a wife when I don’t even know what I want to study. I don’t want this to be over, but … I’d hoped you’d understand,’ she replied.
‘No, Mae. You wanted to be in a grown-up relationship so tell me in a grown-up way.’
Mae put her hands under her legs.
‘I’m so young,’ she said.
‘That’s a load of crap that you’ve heard from someone else. That’s not coming from you. And you weren’t so young when it came to us being in a relationship. Not once, but twice. It was your decision to get back together,’ he added, shaking his head.
‘I know but that was before, you know, you asked me to marry you.’ She paused. ‘It’s just so much. And whatever you might think, I am young. I’ve not lived. You’ve got all these stories and things you’ve been through and my past is just this bland place. Everything that’s happened to me, or anything that I’ve done, hasn’t really been me or mine, it’s been me taking part in someone else’s story. That someone else usually being one of my sisters.’ She looked at his face and how each word she spoke seemed to pain him. But she had to make him understand. ‘Even my first year of uni, I didn’t really know what to do or how to meet people and it sucked because I realised that I don’t really know who or what I am independent of my family.’
Abdul-Raheem sighed. ‘But this all sounds similar to why you broke up with me the first time.’
‘I guess so. But no. Listen, don’t you think, if I go back to uni with you, then I’ll just be like, an extension of you? Just like I am in that horse.’
Abdul-Raheem gave a flicker of a smile, which disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.
‘You’re easy with people,’ she continued. ‘And they like you and I can just see me being comfortable with that, but that’s not right, is it?’
‘What’s wrong with being comfortable?’ he asked, looking down at the floor.
‘You know what’s wrong with it when you’re only nineteen and don’t know what you’re all about.’
‘You say that but you do know,’ he replied.
‘No. You can’t tell me what I do or don’t know. That’s not for you to say.’
Abdul-Raheem shook his head, eyes fixed on the ground. ‘We can make it work long distance for a while.’
For a moment Mae wondered if he had a point. There he’d be in the background, someone to lean on and talk to when the day had been bad, or when she just wanted someone to know what she was up to. Mae had to listen to herself. But then wouldn’t he just be waiting for her to say yes to marrying him? She didn’t want to be tied down to anything – not even an expectation.
‘I don’t want to rely on you,’ she said.
He let out an incredulous laugh. ‘As opposed to the past few months?’
‘I don’t want to rely on anyone,’ she added. ‘You did what you did and I can’t forget that, and you know how thankful I am but, like, how can you not get it?’ she said, her voice rising.
Abdul-Raheem took a deep breath. ‘I get it. I just don’t like it.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, looking at the ground too. He was accepting it and Mae began to feel the sadness settle that once this conversation was over, so would they be. ‘You’re better off without me and my family drama anyway.’
He looked at her. ‘Don’t do that, Mae. Don’t patronise me to make yourself feel better.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Yes, you are,’ he said, getting up. ‘Are we done here?’
Was that it? Was he going? Mae thought she’d have a proper goodbye with him. One that involved some tears and a hug with him wishing her luck and telling her he understood why she had to do this alone.
‘I guess so,’ she said.
‘Take care then,’ he replied, not looking at her. ‘Hope it all works out for you.’
Mae was left staring at the figure of him walking away and felt a desperate need to run after him. But what would she say? Her mind was made up, she just couldn’t believe that she was going to lose him as a friend as well. Just as she’d once lost Ji Su. There was no going back now, not for a third time, and so she had to carry on watching as he walked further and further away from her.
Eventually she walked back to the car park, thinking about her last few words with Abdul-Raheem and how satisfied her parents would be if they found out she’d broken up with him. It only made her feel worse. Before leaving the park she knocked on Barry’s door. It was time to tell him that she was quitting.
‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ he said. ‘First you lie about being unwell and now you’re leaving without giving me any notice.’
The idea of working here another day with Abdul-Raheem and with all the things she had to now do was unbearable.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she said.
‘Yeah, well, sorry’s not going to fix my problem. Do you always go around doing what you want and not taking responsibility for stuff? Thought you were better than this other lot. Go on then, get out of here.’
Mae felt the tears well in her eyes. She wished she hadn’t said anything now, but it was too late. She went to leave, putting her hand on the doorknob. This was Mae’s problem: instead of dealing with awkwardness, she always walked away from it.
‘No, you’re right,’ she said, turning around.
‘Don’t want you here any more if I can’t rely on you.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ll stay for a week and that gives you some time to find a new person.’
He stared at her for a moment. ‘You’re not going to give me that crap about being ill?’
She shook her head and he sighed.
‘Fine. Good. Because I’ve got enough stuff to deal with.’
Mae would have to face Abdul-Raheem again tomorrow, and the day after, but Barry was right, she’d have to deal with her responsibilities. Whatever type of person Mae wanted to become, she’d have to work at it to be the best she could be.
By the time she parked up outside the house it was early evening. She’d spent the day in town, looking at other courses at university, until she’d come across the one course that gave her the same tinge of excitement that she’d felt when she went on her first date with Abdul-Raheem: as if she was living life and not just a spectator watching from the sidelines. Of course this was what she wanted to do. It was new and exciting and it didn’t feel like it would be a slog. She paused for a moment, wondering if this was a little too impulsive – after all, she’d not had much experience with it, but maybe life was about taking chances that felt right, and not just what made sense. She remembered her date with Abdul-Raheem as she went through the application process, thinking about how unexpected it had been, and yet how it finally felt that there was something more to her life than just being an Amir sister. Was this nostalgia?
Mae got out of the car, took a deep breath and opened the front door. Her dad rushed to the passage and stopped as he saw her. They looked at each other for a few moments.
‘Couldn’t get the train at that time,’ she said, handing him his car keys.
‘Oh, thank God you are home,’ exclaimed her mum, coming up behind her dad. ‘What is the point in you young people having mobile phones if you never pick them up?’
Mae just shrugged and made to go to her room. This time her parents didn’t stop her. It was later that evening when she could smell the cooking that the doorbell rang and she heard her sisters’ voices, along with the cries of her niece and nephew. Never had she wanted to speak to Abdul-Raheem more. She reached over for her phone, looking at the WhatsApp profile pic of him and his dad. If she’d done the right thing, then why did it feel so difficult? If she’d made a decision to not have him in her life any more, then why did she still want him there? She was about to message him when there was a knock on the door.
‘Can we come in?’ Fatti’s head poked through the door as Mae put the phone down and shrugged.
‘Guess so.’
Fatti had opened the door to reveal Farah and Bubblee standing behind her.
‘You won’t all fit,’ added Mae to them.
Bubblee and Farah inched into the room as Fatti went and sat on the edge of Mae’s bed.
‘Where’d you go?’ she asked.
‘Uni.’
‘How come?’ asked Farah. ‘It doesn’t start for another few weeks or something, right?’
Mae sighed and decided there was no point in lying to her sisters any more, even if she wasn’t really in the mood to entertain them.
‘I failed my first year, was going to quit, but Abdul-Raheem made me realise that I should stick at it. So, I’m applying to do another course.’
Their faces collectively changed as Mae fed them her life update.
‘Well, it was him and then Mum and Dad saying I wasn’t allowed to go to uni any more. Last thing I want is to be stuck here for the rest of my life,’ said Mae. ‘No offence,’ she added, looking at Fatti and Farah, who had never wanted to leave Wyvernage.
‘You never said anything,’ said Bubblee.
‘Not exactly the kind of news you want to give, is it?’
Fatti put her hand on Mae’s leg. ‘Listen, we’ve been talking the past few days and we just want to say—’
‘We’re sorry,’ Farah cut in. ‘I mean, the things you said weren’t exactly on, but, well, I guess there was some truth in it.’
‘Way to give an apology, Faar,’ said Bubblee.
‘You know what I mean.’
‘You’ve always just been our little sister and we forgot that you’re also your own person,’ added Bubblee. ‘I, of all people, should’ve seen that.’
The Hopes and Triumphs of the Amir Sisters Page 23