**********
Anna was the first one awake the next morning. She was glad she wouldnt have to face anyone, not even Helen. She doubted that she would have been able to hide her feelings under any circumstances. Last nights events were still too fresh and her anger too potent.
The dance with Graham had literally left her gasping. When at last other couples began to join them, Graham quickly steered them off the floor and out onto the balcony that extended along one entire side of the ballroom. Candles in glass holders cast a dim light over the area. They walked to the rail and stood side by side facing outward. Their hands were nearly touching on the rail.
"Youre a wonderful dancer," Anna managed when at last she could control her breathing. She glanced at Graham, who appeared lost in thought. After a long pause Graham seemed to have heard the remark. She smiled faintly.
"Thank you. You are easy to lead," she said. After some hesitation, she continued. "And you are also easy to follow. I must apologize for my pig-headed behavior earlier this evening. You were right in surmising that I needed help. I couldnt bring myself to ask. There was a time, Anna, when the world was mine to command, and no one ever suggested otherwise. Now, I continue as if I were still that person- stubborn arrogance I think you said."
It was clearly a struggle for her to admit this much, and Anna had no need for her to humble herself. "Its alright, Graham," Anna interrupted her quietly. "I cant begin to imagine how difficult this evening must have been. It pleased me to help in some small way. Besides, if you werent so stubborn, I probably wouldnt -" She stopped abruptly, embarrassed by what she had been about to say. She was rapidly losing all semblance of control around this woman! There was no denying what had happened to her as they danced, what was happening to her now. Grahams nearness aroused her in a way she had never known. She had wanted Graham to touch her so much she was afraid the entire room would know. All she wanted now was to be in her arms again.
Graham tilted her head, waiting for the words that didnt come. She sensed Annas hesitation, and thought her still offended. She had no way of knowing Anna was struggling to keep from caressing her.
"What is it?" she asked as the silence lengthened. "Anna, have I made you that angry?"
Graham flinched in surprise when Anna stepped closer, Anna's hands on Grahams shirt front. She had known as they danced that she was on dangerous ground. The feel of Anna in her arms had awakened her senses. She had allowed herself the brief touch of her lips to Annas temple. What she had wanted was to claim her mouth. Annas hands on her now rekindled desire so long buried it was almost painful to experience. She caught her breath at the paroxysm of arousal, clenching her jaw against the swift burning spasm.
"Youve a stud thats come loose," Anna whispered throatily. She shivered as Grahams hands came to her waist. She fastened the small diamond stud, aware that they were so close their entire bodies touched lightly. Grahams body rippled with tension, and her grip on Anna tightened. Anna slid her fingers up to Grahams collar, her vision suddenly cloudy. "And your tie needs straightening." She gasped as her breasts, swollen with desire, brushed against Grahams chest.
"Oh god," Anna whispered as Graham drew her slowly against her own tight thigh. She lifted her eyes finally to Grahams, and saw raw hunger in Grahams face. Anna needed her kiss like she needed air to breath. She thought she might die with wanting. She slid her hand to the back of Grahams neck, willing her lips closer. "Please," she implored.
"Anna-" Graham murmured thickly, knowing this was wrong, unable to stop. In another moment she would be beyond caring, she would have to have her. She was seconds away from committing the biggest error of her life when a voice from the past called her irrevocably back to reality.
"Graham, darling!" Christine stated calmly, as if she hadnt just found her in a passionate embrace with another woman. "I know you hate these affairs, but you simply must be civilized about it. You cannot disappear and deprive us all of your company."
Graham straightened slowly, stepping back away from Anna. She spoke into the darkness, her voice cold as ice. "You seem to have managed without my company for quite some time, my dear."
"And more fool I," Christine replied as she stepped to Grahams side. She pointedly ignored Anna, who was watching Graham in stunned bewilderment. "I have every intention of making it up to you. Now stop being such a cad, and take me back to the party." As she spoke, she slipped one arm about Grahams waist, unabashedly caressing her with the other, sliding her hand up the length of Grahams thigh as she pressed against her.
Graham grasped the hand that stroked her, but she did not pull away. Instead, she turned to Anna, her face remote.
"Forgive me, Anna, it seems I have obligations to attend to. Good night."
Anna collapsed against the railing, shaking, dazed by Grahams departure. Her body was wracked with hunger for a woman who could arouse her with a glance, and then leave her without a second thought. She had come within a whisper of humiliating herself tonight, and yet - Graham had responded, hadnt she?
Anna slammed the cabinet door as the question that had haunted her all night echoed in her mind. What did it matter if Graham had responded - what would it have mattered if shed actually kissed her? The fact that Graham was aroused by a woman who was obviously trying to seduce her proved nothing. What mattered was that it took only a word from Christine and Graham forgot everything else. How many times, in how many ways, did she need to have that made clear?
"Im going down to clear the brush from around the lower fountain," she growled as Helen joined her in the kitchen around seven-thirty. "I wont be up for lunch."
Helen stared after her in confusion. She had just run into Graham coming out of her study, and she had snarled at Helens cheery good morning. What had happened to every one overnight!?
**********
As it turned out, Anna was forced to abandon her work early that afternoon. A storm blew up unexpectedly, as was wont to happen on the Cape in summer. Carrying her tools up to the gardenshed, she saw Christine and Graham on the rear terrace. The wind was blowing too hard for Anna to hear their conversation, but Christine was obviously upset. She grasped Grahams arm, pressing close to her. Anna had no desire to witness any more of their private moments. She was about to turn away when Graham, looking gravely serious, bent her head and kissed Christine. Christine clung to her, pulling Grahams willowy figure even closer, fervently returning the kiss. Anna did turn from them then; she needed no further proof of Christines hold on Graham.
"I wont be down for dinner tonight, Helen," she said when she found Helen in the laundry room. "II have some work I need to finish."
"Arent you feeling well?" Helen asked in concern. "Has something happened?" She was well aware of the changes in Anna since Christine had arrived. She was quiet and reclusive, clearly unhappy. Helen hadnt wanted to intrude, but she was becoming more and more worried, about both Anna and Graham. Despite Christines constant attention, Graham was restrained and brooding. And it hadnt escaped Helens attention that Graham absolutely refused to play for Christine. Graham was walking the grounds late at night again, a sure sign that she was troubled. And now, Anna too!
"Im really fine," Anna said, forcing a light tone. "I just - cant. Not tonight."
Helen watched her retreating form as she hurried from the room and wondered if those hadnt been tears on her cheeks.
**********
Alone in her room, Anna stood for hours looking out to the sea. She struggled to make sense of her confused emotions, but the images of Graham and Christine were all she could envision. She knew she couldnt watch them together day after day. It was too painful, finally more painful than the alternative. Perhaps if last night had never happened she could have learned to live with the reality of Graham loving someone else. Maybe with time, seeing her, but always being apart from her, wouldnt tear her heart out. That was impossible now. Being in her arms last night had changed everything. Their skin may have been separated by the convention of clothing
, but what the shear force of Graham's embrace had evoked was irreversible. She had known the length of Grahams body against hers, had stroked the coiled muscles of her back, and felt the heat of her leg between her own. She would never be able to deny her longing, or control her desire, or tolerate the sight of Christine in Grahams arms. She was not so big a fool as to believe she could stand that. Just as she reached the only decision open to her, a knock sounded on her door.
"Anna? Its Grahammay I come in?"
Anna wiped the tears from her eyes, struggling to compose herself.
"Hello," she said softly as she opened the door.
Graham looked concerned. "Are you all right? Helen said not to expect you for dinner."
"Yes. Im fine."
"I see," Graham replied. She gestured with her hand. "May I come in?"
"Of course." Anna remained standing, too restless to sit.
Graham sensed Annas distress, and she worried she was the cause of it. She had agonized over her lapse the evening before, finally leaving the gathering over Christines protests to spend the night pacing in her study. She had overstepped her bounds, and she had no excuse for it. For a brief moment she had forgotten everything - the loss of her sight, the loss of Christine, even the loss of her music - all had faded into the awareness of Anna against her, breathing life into her with her desire. She had succumbed to the physical demands of her body, and God only knew what she might have done if Christine hadnt interrupted them. She had been perilously close to making love to Anna right there on the balcony. The vestiges of arousal lingered throughout the night, and even now, with Anna near, she struggled to maintain her distance. She had hoped Anna might overlook her indiscretion, but now she wasnt sure. "What is it, Anna?" she asked seriously.
Anna spoke the painful words before she lost courage. "Graham, Ive been meaning to speak with you for some time. Ive decided to move back to the city."
Grahams head jerked as if she had been slapped, her face draining of color. "But why?" she gasped. She felt the words like a physical blow. Her chest ached, and she struggled for breath. "Is it because of my behavior last night? Anna?! I have no excuse - Im sorry, I - what can I say? It wont happen again, you have my word! Please believe me!""
Anna laughed at the bitter irony. "I do believe you. Its not about last night, and if it were, it is I who should apologize."
"Then what, for Gods sake?" Graham demanded, her voice hoarse with strain.
Anna looked away, unable to face her suffering. She knew her resolve would weaken if she saw Graham in pain. "I need to be closer to the university, and Im "
Shes young and she wants a life, you fool! Graham stopped her, unable to stand the crushing truth. "You dont need to explain," she said harshly. "This is no life for you here, isolated on this godforsaken pinnacle of forgotten land! I understand, of course you must leave."
No you dont understand! Anna wanted to scream . But how can I tell you that I cant stand to see you with Christine? How can I say I love you when I know it will only drive you away! Graham looked so vulnerable, Anna bit her lip to keep back the words. She longed to bring the smile back to Graham's face, to stroke the lines from her brow. She wanted to fling herself into her arms. Oh god! Must she really leave?
Graham summoned every ounce of her formidable will, forcing the pain into the recesses of her soul. That was something she had grown used to doing, and now it served her well. She would not let Anna know this was destroying her; she would save her pride.
"Christine will be leaving tomorrow. Can you stay until I arrange some business affairs?" Grahams tone was empty of any emotion, and her expression revealed nothing of her inner despair. She had expected this, but now that it had happened, it was so much worse than she had imagined! For a short time Anna had brought life to this desolate place, to her desolate heart. She had not dared to hope that Anna would stay. Yardley, and all it held within its walls, was dying. It was selfish and foolhardy to think that Anna would have any reason to remain.
"Leaving?" Anna cried. "But I thought"
Graham looked toward her, a question in her eyes. "You thought what?"
Anna was more confused than ever. She could do nothing save tell the truth.
"I thought you and she were lovers. I thought thats why she had come back."
Graham walked to the fireplace, extending one long arm along the mantle, facing the empty grate. "Yeswe were, once. I was twenty-five years old and my whole life was music. I never knew, nor wanted -anything more. Oh, I didnt lack for company. There were -dalliances- usually with women impressed by my reputation. The reality generally proved much less to their liking. Then suddenly Christine entered my life. She was so young, so beautiful, so vital. She showed me a passion that nearly matched my music. I was mad about her, mad for her. But it was my passion, not hers. She never really felt the same, but I refused to see that. I wouldnt believe that my love was more than she wanted, or, as it turned out, not the kind of love she wanted. She tried to tell me that I was too demanding, too possessivetoo intense for her, I think she said. I have yet to understand how love can be too intense."
Graham laughed bitterly. "I wouldnt hear what she was trying to tell me. I was so certain of myself. I thought with my music and Christine by my side I had all I needed in this life." She paused, her hand clenched tightly around the mantles edge. When she spoke again, her voice was tight with pain. "The night of the accident, she told me she was leaving me to get married. I nearly went mad, thinking of her with him - all the time she had been with me. I was wild, raging with jealousy. I swore I wouldnt let her leave me. I frightened her, although god knows I never would have touched her in anger. She tried to jump from the car, and when I grabbed for her I lost control of the wheel. I just managed to pull her under me when we started to roll. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. I heard my fathers voice. When I opened my eyes, I knew instantly that I was blind. The darkness was everywhere, but nowhere deeper than in my heart. It was all my fault, you see. I had been too proud and too arrogant to hear that she was unhappy, that she in fact did not share my passion. She did not love me, and I nearly killed her."
Grahams voice broke with the all too familiar bitter memories. She had almost killed Christine, the woman she swore she loved with all her heart. Losing her sight had seemed like a small price to pay. And now Anna would be gone too. She tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears that coursed down her cheeks. She fought desperately to seal the pain away once more. She flinched when Anna brushed the tears from her face.
"Please dont," Graham managed. "I didnt mean for you to see this. Please forget it, wont you?"
"Im so sorry, Graham. I didnt know," Anna whispered tenderly. All thoughts of her own despair dissipated in the face of Grahams agony. "I saw you together in the garden today. I saw you kissing her. I cant believe she could leave you again."
Graham shook her head, not comprehending Annas words. "I told her today that I had no wish for us to be together again. Anna, I was kissing her good bye."
Anna could only imagine that Graham was afraid to trust Christine again. Regardless of her own tangled emotions, she had no desire to see Graham suffer any more than she already had. "Graham, you mustnt be afraid. You can try again. Perhaps youve both changed. It could be different now. You neednt be alone"
"Anna," Graham said vehemently, "you dont understand. I dont love ChristineI dont want to love her. She has come here to escape her boredom, or to torture her husband with the reminder of our affair, but eventually she would tire of the charade, and she would leave. If I let her stay, it would be a mockery of love. I wont have that!" She shook her head fiercely, her voice strident in protest. "No! Christine does not love me - perhaps she never did."
The words brought both a deep sadness and a curious sense of relief as she spoke them. Exhausted, Graham sank into the chair, trying to find a way to cope with Annas leaving. She bowed her head into her hand, too weary to struggle any longer. "Im sorry. Please excuse my ou
tburst. All of this has been - hard for me. Just give me a moment, then Ill go."
Anna took a deep breath. "Graham, I dont want to leave Yardley. This last month has been difficult, especially when I thought you and Christine were reuniting. I didnt think Id be needed any longer. But I have been happy here, happier than I have ever been, and I dont want to leave."
Graham drew a shuddering breath. "Are you sure?" The eyes she turned to Anna were wounded, nearly devoid of hope. She hadnt the strength to contain her despair, and the sight of it ripped at Annas heart.
Her situation with Graham was no clearer, but at least she wouldnt have to face Christine every day. She knew she would be miserable if she left. She couldnt imagine never seeing Graham again. At least now she would have time to make some sense of her tumultuous desires. Anna cupped Grahams face gently in her hands. "Im very sure. I want to stay."
Graham pressed her lips to Annas palm, her relief nearly palpable. Only time would tell if Anna had made the right decision.
Chapter Fourteen
With Christines departure, a semblance of harmony returned to Yardley. With the end of summer, Anna resumed her classes three days a week, which left more than ample time to manage the household needs and Grahams business requirements. She met with Graham at the end of her day, and more often than not, they merely talked. Graham was keenly interested in Annas studies, and Anna found herself recounting her days in detail while they shared a glass of sherry. It was something she looked forward to each day, and it seemed that Graham did as well. Their relationship had developed into a comfortable but reserved companionship.
Neither of them made further mention of the episode on the balcony the night of Helens party. Anna did not know how to broach it, and Graham seemed to avoid any possibility of intimacy. Although Graham welcomed their conversations, she was physically remote. She was careful not to touch Anna even when it would have been natural to. Her caution in this regard did not escape Annas notice, and Anna interpreted it as an unspoken declaration from Graham that their brief physical interlude had been an aberration of circumstance. It had been a tense and stressful period for both of them, and in the intensity of the moment that night, Graham had responded to Annas overture. Obviously, it was not something Graham wished to repeat.
Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost Page 11