Anna for her part tried her best to forget what had passed between them, and to content herself with the relationship they were slowly, carefully building. Graham was not so quick to withdraw from her at the slightest mention of her past; in fact, to Annas amazement, Graham occasionally alluded to some previous event with an ease that was absent a few months before. Graham was beginning to trust her, and for now that appeared to be the most she could hope for. Anna resigned herself to what they could share together, because she knew in the final analysis, she would be miserable without Graham in her life. She tried not to think of what she would do if what they had now was all Graham ever wanted.
Perhaps the only person at Yardley who was able to see just what was happening between the two of them was Helen. She knew the extent to which Graham was capable of closing off parts of herself, and of denying her own wants and needs. Graham had deluded herself for years with Christine. Helen wondered if she would be as successful disavowing her feelings for Anna.
When Helen brought tea into Graham late one afternoon, Graham greeted her warmly. She was at work at the piano, as relaxed as Helen had seen her in many years. Helen thought approvingly of how good Graham looked. She was no longer unnaturally pale, nor wraithlike thin. Her lean form was stronger from the time she spent outside. She had taken to joining Helen and Anna most evenings for dinner, and their conversations were light and easy. Helen thought she understood the reason for Grahams emergence from the torpor that had enveloped her, but she wondered if Graham truly did. As Graham grew more peaceful, Helen couldnt help but notice that Anna became more despondent.
"Thank you, Helen," Graham said fondly as she rose, stretching from her seat at the piano. She felt wonderfulher world was filled with sound, the way it had been when she was young. Her blood stirred with long-forgotten excitement. She attributed it to the ease with which she was working and the satisfaction that brought her. She refused to admit to herself that Annas return was the moment she waited for all day.
"You look happy, Graham," Helen remarked.
"Happy?" Graham said, wondering if that was what she felt. "Yes, perhaps thats it. At any rate, Helen, the music is returningand that is more than I ever expected to have again in this life."
"Im happy for you," Helen said, and she truly rejoiced in the change in Graham over the last few months. But she couldnt help but wonder if that was all Graham wanted from life. The passionate woman she had known would never have been content alone. Graham had needed the sustenance of love to balance the soul-draining demands of her work. She had made a disastrous misjudgment in relying on Christine so completely, and she had paid a dreadful price for it. Helen only hoped that that disappointment had not destroyed Grahams ability to accept love when it was offered from the heart.
**********
Anna tossed her knapsack on the hall table, waving to Helen as she headed toward the music room. She knew Graham would be there, as she always was at this time of day. She tapped lightly on the door before entering. Graham lifted one hand, the other poised over the piano keys.
"Just a minute. Ive nearly finished."
Anna crossed quietly to stand beside Graham, watching as she played, marveling at the graceful sweep of her fingers on the keys. As her hands literally caressed the instrument, her face reflected all the emotions the music gave form to. The combination of watching Grahams face and hearing her creation stirred Anna unexpectedly. As the notes dissipated in the air, Graham became motionless, her hands lying still on her thighs.
"Its wonderful," Anna breathed softly.
Graham lifted her face to Anna, an uncharacteristic uncertainty clouding her features. "Do you really think so?" she asked quietly.
Sometimes Anna felt as much a prisoner of Grahams blindness as Graham certainly was. She felt so much more than her words could communicate, and she wished that Graham could read in her face how deeply she was moved. As it stood alone, Grahams music could bring her to tears. She knew that from standing outside this room, stilled in mid-step by what she heard. She knew because she had sought out the recordings Graham had made years before. She played them when she was alone, imaging Grahams face as she listened. For her, nothing was more heart-rending than watching Graham play, raw passions exposed, as the music swirled in the air. For Graham not to see what she was capable of stirring in others pierced her heart.
Instinctively, she placed both hands gently on Grahams shoulders, leaning over to whisper, "It makes me ache. Will you play it for me from the beginning?" She had never asked before.
Graham reached up to cover Annas hand with her own, surprised once again by the warmth of her skin. She lingered like that for a moment, then settled her hands on the keys.
"Yes."
Anna moved reluctantly away, not wanting to dispel that rare moment of affection. Still, she knew Graham had taken another step toward allowing Anna into her life. Graham had not been willing for anyone to hear more than fragments of a work in progress for years. Anna settled into a nearby chair from which she could watch Graham play. She found herself holding her breath as the melody swelled to fill the air. She would not have believed that there could be such a thing as too much beauty, but the sight and sounds of Graham Yardley overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes and let the golden tones carry her away. When the room stilled, it took her a moment to find her composure. She was trembling, and her voice seemed to have deserted her. When she opened her eyes, she found that Graham had turned to face her, her head bent, waiting.
"I've never imagined anything so exquisite," Anna said quietly. "Your music is a gift to the world, Graham. Thank you so much for sharing it with me."
Graham lifted her head, her face wet with tears.
"I thought it was gone forever," she murmured, her voice breaking.
The sight of her tears was Annas undoing. She meant only to take Grahams hand in hers, but she found herself pulling Graham up into her arms instead. She held her close, whispering, "Oh god, Grahamyour music breaks my heart. You break my heart."
Graham struggled with the response Annas embrace wrought. Annas body was pressed to hers; she felt the rise and fall of Annas soft breasts with each breath; their hearts seemed to race as one. Annas nearness, and her words, filled her with a longing so intense her carefully maintained barricades threatened to crumble. And she feared that if she gave rein to her emotions, she would be captive to them as she had been with Christine. She knew she could not survive another disappointment. If such pain ever returned anew, she would surely break. What Anna touched in her was a place too dangerous to expose. For the sake of whatever sanity she had left, she could not let that happen.
Anna felt Graham stiffen, but she only pulled her tighter. Was there no way for Anna to show her how precious she was? "You are so rare! There is such grace and beauty and tenderness in your soul. And you dont even know it, do you?! You are so specialI cant begin to tell you" She had no words, only sensations. Admiration, respect, protectiveness, sympathy, and sweet, swift longing. Everything condensed at once until Anna had to give form to her feelings or explode. Her hands moved from Grahams back to cup her jaw, then slid into her hair as she groaned softly, "If only I could tell you-" Her lips met Grahams as the words escaped her in a rush.
Graham gasped at the contact, her control all but shattered. For an instant she knew only the well-spring of desire that rippled through her, the moist heat that flooded from her. With a groan she opened herself to the raging fire, embracing its source. Even as she pulled Anna roughly to her, giving herself fully to the kiss, a suffocating dread began to eclipse her passion. She felt more vulnerable than she had during the first seconds of her blindness, when she opened her eyes to a darkness more terrifying than anything she had ever experienced. This was what she truly had isolated herself from all these years - this horrible power that love wielded over her.
"Anna, no-" Graham rasped, catching the hands that brushed down her shirt front toward her breasts. She grasped Annas wrists softly, gently disen
gaging from their embrace. She struggled for air for an instant, her brain whirling, then finally managed to whisper hoarsely, "You honor me, Anna. With your appreciation, with your deep kindness. I am only too glad to give you what I can with my music. That it pleases you means more to me than I can say. But that is all I can give, Anna - Im sorry."
**********
Grahams withdrawal was like a knife slashing through Anna's depths. Must she always be left with this terrible emptiness? She didnt want to let her go, but she knew she must. She could not force Graham to feel as she felt, to want what she wanted.
"Its I that am sorry," she replied shakily. "I cant seem to stop throwing myself at you. Youve made it perfectly clear -"
"Anna, dont," Graham murmured. "There is no need for an apology."
Anna drew a long breath, steadying herself. When she spoke again her voice had a steely calm. "Thank you, Graham, for trusting me with your music. It meant more to me than I can ever say." She turned to leave, but couldnt help but ask, "Will I see you at dinner?"
Graham shook her head, "Not tonight, Anna."
**********
"Is Graham coming for dinner?" Helen asked as she set out the hot rolls to cool.
Anna shook her head, busying herself with the dishes. She didnt trust herself to speak, she was still shaking.
"Working still, is she?"
"Yes," Anna managed.
Helen gave her a concerned look. The girl was completely white. "Everything going all right?" she asked cautiously.
"She finished something this afternoon," Anna replied hollowly. After a pause, she added softly, "It was unbelievable."
"Oh?" Helen asked in surprise. "She played it for you?"
"Yes, she did," Anna replied, her voice devoid of emotion.
Helen gave Anna her full attention, setting aside the roast she was carving. For Graham to have played for Anna was nothing short of a miracle, but it seemed to have produced anything but a happy response.
"Graham can be very self-absorbed when shes working. Sometimes she forgets about common civility and other peoples feelings," she ventured, thinking that Grahams notoriously volatile nature may have given offense.
"She was perfectly charming, as always," Anna remarked somewhat harshly. Graham raised even rejection to an art form. Damn her pristine control! Isnt there anything that affects her iron clad self-discipline ? Anna was only too afraid she knew the answer to that.
"Well, shes done something, now hasnt she?" Helen persisted softly.
"No, Helen," Anna began, surrendering to her frustration. " Ive done something." Ive fallen in love with her! She closed her eyes, searching for calm. She couldnt very well tell Helen that she wanted Graham to make love to her, now could she?
"I cant seem to reach her," she said carefully. "She is always polite, always cordial and her distance is driving me crazy. She wont accept one compliment; she cant hear one kind word, without mistrusting it! Its so hard when you care about her!" She caught back a sob, struggling for the tatters of her own self-control.
"Graham has been alone a very long time," Helen said carefully. "She has forgotten how to get on with people." She sensed it was more serious than that, but Helen didnt want to embarrass Anna if her assumptions were wrong. Annas moodiness hadnt escaped her notice, and neither had Grahams growing reliance on Anna. She had been expecting some kind of confrontation for weeks.
"Well, she certainly seemed to know how to get along with Christine!" Anna said angrily . She certainly didnt have any problems kissing her ! she wanted to shout. Oh god, I really am losing my mind!
"Christine?" Helen responded dismissively, "Graham suffered her presence, thats all."
"Im not so sure about that," Anna responded, her anger escalating, too hurt for caution. "She suffered a lot more than her presence . She allowed that woman to fall all over her, and she could deny her nothing!! I think shes still in love with her and is just too damn stubborn to admit it!"
"So she told you about them, did she?" Helen asked, beginning to get a better idea about the source of Annas distress.
"Yes, she told me!!" Anna barked. "The love affair to end all love affairs. Whether Christine is here or not, she will always have that hold on Graham! God, Im such a fool!"
Helen shook her head adamantly, "Oh no, my dear. You are wrong. Graham made a fool out of herself over that girl, but she wasnt so much a fool that she would do it twice!! When Christine left Graham for Richard Blair, she not only broke Graham's heart, she betrayed everything Graham believed love to be. As hard as it was, at some point even Graham had to accept that she was only an exciting and forbidden diversion for Christine. Love her still? No my dear, Graham would never have forgiven the betrayal."
"Then what is it that keeps her so apart?" Anna beseeched. "She is so talented, so sensitive, so kindhow can she bury all of that as if it meant nothing? As if she herself meant nothing? What is she hiding from??"
Helen had never seen Anna so distraught, and she knew the only words that might help her would also reveal Grahams deepest secrets. It was not for her to expose Graham in that way.
"Perhaps she just needs time, Anna. These last months, since youve come, shes changed so much. Oh, I know you cant see itbut I can. She no longer sits for hours, alone in her rooms, or wanders the bluff at all hours of the night. There is life in her now, Anna, life that has been missing for more than a decade! Just listen to her music if you dont believe me. You led her back into the world. You put a flower in her hand and showed her there was life that she could experience still. Such a simple thing as a flower! It took you to do that!"
Anna shook her head, feeling sad and defeated. "Whatever else she needs, I cant seem to give her. And I dont know how much more I can take." She looked at Helen with despair in her eyes. "Im sorry, Helen, you dont deserve this. I dont even know why Im so upsetI dont even know what Im feeling half the time. Its foolish of me to be carrying on like this. Maybe Im just being selfish - Graham certainly seems content." She gave Helen a tremulous smile and a swift hug. "Dont wait dinner for me," she said as she hurried from the room.
Helen looked after her, conflicting loyalties warring in her mind. As much as she adored Graham Yardley, she couldnt stand by and watch Anna suffer.
**********
"Graham?" Helen called at the music room door. She entered to find the room deserted. The doors to the terrace were open, despite the brisk October wind. A few leaves fluttered through and clustered on the floor. Grahams body was outlined in moonlight as she leaned against the balustrade, facing out to the night. Her light shirt whipped about her thin form in the wind.
Helen wrapped her shawl tighter around herself and ventured out. She was shocked by the chill in Grahams fingers when she covered her hand where it lay on the railing.
"Graham! Youre freezing. Come inside!"
"Im fine, Helen," Graham answered hollowly. "Go backits too cold here for you."
"And youre made of stone?" Helen snapped, her patience perilously close to gone. First Anna, and now Grahamthe two of them suffering was more than she could watch in silence.
"It seems that I am," replied Graham with a cynical smile.
"I know better than that, and you would too if youd let yourself admit it."
"Helen," Graham said warningly, "I love you like my own parent, but this is something you know nothing about. Let it alone, pleasefor my sake."
"I have!! All these years when you locked yourself away herebut theres not just you anymoretheres Anna."
"Helen" Graham growled harshly, "leave Anna out of this!"
"I would if I could, but thats not up to me, is it? Ive watched you dying slowly right before my eyes for too many yearsyou who I cherish with all my heart, and Ive never said a word, never tried to change your mind. I know how much you lost - and your sight was the least of it!"
"Helen, please," Graham whispered, her fists clenched against the stone rail, "please, dont do this now. Please let me have some peace."
"This is not peace, Graham! You may be blind, but your heart is notyou may think love deserted you, but you know as well as I do that wasnt love! I wont believe you cant recognize it when you feel it! Anna loves you"
"Anna pities me"
"No, Graham. For once your blindness has trapped you! I can see what you refuse to feel I only have to look at her look at you to know! She loves you, Graham!"
A groan escaped Graham as she turned away. "You know me Helen! You know what my life demands, what I demand! Do you truly think anyone, especially someone as young and vital as Anna, would stay, once she knew what it really meant? I might have killed Christine in the car that night, because she couldnt give me what I wanted- because she was leaving me. I believed once, and it destroyed me. I will not believe again-I cannot survive the loss."
"You underestimate her, Grahamand its not just yourself youre hurting now. Youre breaking her heart."
"No!" Graham shouted, her fists pounding the unyielding stone. "I cannot, I will not, let this happenit would destroy us both! I will not bind her to this barren world that is my heart. Now leave me, pleaseI beg of you." Her last words came in a choked whisper, and tears streaked down her anguished face.
Helen bent her head in defeat, longing to take the trembling woman in her arms. But she knew that Graham would not allow even that sympathy. What Graham feared was inside herself, and nothing could assuage her inconsolable grief.
Chapter Fifteen
Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost Page 12