Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  19

  Christopher clapped, concentrating on the burgundy shaded chrome fixture in front of him. The lamp came on. "Wow, man that is so far out."

  He turned to Dorius with a smile. "You need to take care of this, Dude. I mean, those fuckers really wiped out your bitch. That's hated, man. If you don't want the family to find out you - you know, let a possible mate slip through your, well, blood-tainted hands and all - just because you had to play-"

  "Enough! I understand the ramifications completely, Christopher. I certainly do not need you to explain them to me." Dorius rubbed the back of his neck, bending his head from side to side, staring at his cell phone on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

  "Just sayin, man. I mean, it doesn't take, like, brain science to figure out when she sunk her teeth in Angel, she got the message. Ya know what I mean, dude? I'm sure she saw it in Technicolor, dickwad. She has this mate thing planted somewhere in her friggin' brain, man."

  Christopher rolled his tongue against the top of his mouth, coating it with Bazooka bubble gum. He filled the pink mass with a hissing breath, letting it burst around his face. The lamp went out. "That is just sooo cool!" he mumbled through the gum plastered from the bottom of his eyes to the underside of his chin.

  "Do you look for things to aggravate me, you little shit? What's with the gum and the God-awful language? And where's Buster?" Dorius walked up to Christopher and plucked the gum from his face. He tossed it into a piece of ceramic pottery by the couch.

  "I'm trying to quit smoking. Deal with it, man. I'm bitchy. Buster's at Puff-n-Fluff getting his weekly bath. He should be home soon. I sent Dennis to fetch him an hour ago, dude." He wiped his face and reached into the pocket of his Hawaiian print shirt for another piece of gum. He unwrapped it, tossed it in his mouth and began chewing with loud sucking noises. His little sandal-clad feet gave Dorius a view of spider-man tangled in a bright red web across all ten toes.

  "Christopher, you do not surf. You've never surfed, and I don't even think you've been in the same room with a surfboard. So can you please tell me why you have adapted the persona of a wave-catcher high on marijuana?"

  "Just trying to find, like… my niche, man." Christopher blew another large bubble, sucking it into his mouth with a loud pop. The light came back on as he jumped off the couch and walked toward the door. "Later dude." He wiggled his fingers over his shoulder as he opened the door.

  Dorius watched the small immortal strut out the door. Growling, he picked up the cell and punched in the wolf's number, then set the phone back on the coffee table.

  "Yes Dorius, what can I do for you?" Paul answered.

  "Are the women still at home?" Dorius pulled the cuff up on his cranberry silk shirt, looking at his Rolex.

  "I assume so. I'm waiting for the fairy to show up with the latest information."

  "I'll be leaving with Marcus in a couple of hours. We should get there before dark. We intend to bring them back here to address the council. Make sure they stay on the property."

  "Can do. What's with Marcus tagging along? This more than a bag and drag?"

  "I have no clue," Dorius said. "He insisted on joining me and he only wants Camillio and Warren to accompany us. I'd like you to stick around in case we need you. Is there anything I should know about as far as their skills?"

  "JoAnn, the blonde, is useless. She's afraid of the wildlife on the property," Paul answered. "The black one's a bitch. I'd keep my eye on her. Chick seems preoccupied with sex. Susan, the curly-haired redhead, might give another immortal a run for their money, but she'll be no match for any of you. Resi, the one with straight, chestnut colored hair, and the black immortal seem to be mated. You may have trouble mind-pushing them if they know what they're doing."

  "I'll brief the others," Dorius growled.

  "I find it interesting that Marcus left Italy for five immortal women." Paul's statement had a questionable tone. "Did you show them the footage I sent?"

  "Parts of it. Only what they needed to see. They have definitely committed more than enough infractions to warrant us picking them up. Especially since they did not make an appointment."

  "They got the package and still didn't call or try to contact you?" Paul asked.

  "I don't have time to go into the details with you, wolf. Just be ready this evening in case you're needed."

  "Do you want me to call you if the fairy has anything useful?"

  "Not unless it's in the next hour. I would rather not carry on a conversation with the other immortals in the car. You can text me if it's something of major importance."

  "I'll stay close to the house. Just whistle if you need me." There was amusement in Paul's voice as he cut the connection.

  "Exxxcellent."

  Gibbie flew out of the exhaust fan on the roof at the back of the house. JoAnn kept locking windows and he had resorted to making his way in and out through the ventilation system in the attic. As he flew by the dock, the troll immerged, swimming in the water toward the cypress trees.

  "Fairy,…yo…step over here… for a second…will ya."

  Gibbie landed on a nearby branch, looking down at Mort. "What do you want, troll?" he squeaked, fluttering his wings, letting red sparkles rain down on the troll.

  Mort slowly submerged, sending the red dust floating away from him in the water. He lumbered closer, blowing air in the water through his nose. "Did you know… Warren, Marcus, Camillio… and Dorius… will be here today?"

  "Why?" Gibbie was airborne, glitter flying everywhere in a multitude of shiny colors as he flitted back and forth in front of Mort's face. The water around the troll looked like a rainbowed oil slick.

  "I think… they may be picking… up the girls. That black one… sure is a bitch. You seen her… act all mighty… and sassy? She must… think she's… one of us." His voice was deep and excruciatingly slow.

  "She is one of us," Gibbie announced with a flourish of red sparkles.

  "You know… what I mean."

  "No, I'm sure I don't. Is that all the news you have?" Gibbie asked in a high-pitched screech.

  "Umm…yeah…well…let me think a minute." The troll rubbed his face, and turned up to Gibbie with red droplets dripping off his gray chin. His big black eyes blinked several times. "Oh… I remember… it's the mortal one," he said in a deep rumbling voice, sounding like an old forty-five record played on low speed. "The one… that lives here… but isn't one of us. She… packed the boat… today. There's enough… weaponry on board… to kill an army. Looks… like they may… be getting ready… to take a hike… if ya know what I mean."

  The troll sank in the water, showing only his eyes as he waited for the fairy's reaction.

  "I better get going. I need to report this to the wolf. I guess I should say thanks." Gibbie dusted the troll's head with a flurry of wings, taking off in the direction of the woods, his sword shining in the sunlight.

  "Yeah… and you're… welcome… bug." The troll submerged and a small wave of water followed him to the underside of the dock.

  The wolf lapped at the shoreline and then playfully rolled in the water at the edge of the lake, his paws kicking at the air above him.

  Gibbie flew out of a cropping of trees and landed on a cypress knee. "You look like gator bait."

  Paul got up, shook from head to tail and trotted off toward the trees.

  A few minutes later, he waked out of the woods, long black hair sending little rivulets of water down his human body. "I can handle a gator Gibbie, been a Florida-boy for way too many years. You got anything for me?"

  Gibbie talked as he preened his wings. "Yeah, JoAnn continually pisses me off. Always cutting flowers, pulling weeds, and yesterday she was packing a blowtorch. The trigger kept getting caught on the rose bush, sending noxious fumes in my home. It took all day to air out."

  "Fairy, if you blow your cover, I'll personally tan your winged ass." Paul sat bare-assed in the grass.

  "Look at me wolf. Do I look like I'm shaking?"


  "Do you have anything I can actually use?" Paul laid back, popped a long blade of grass in his mouth and tucked his arms under his head.

  "The women have just been doing the same old shit, mostly arguing, but the troll stopped me on the way. He said Jeni, the mortal, loaded the boat with guns. He thinks they might run."

  "Shit, just what I need." Paul shot up, spit the grass out of his mouth, scooped up his clothes and headed for the house. "I'll watch the back from the woods. You keep an eye on the lake. I want you on that boat if they make a run for it."

  "The troll also said that Dorius and Marcus are on the way with Warren and Camillio. You know anything about that?" Gibbie was animated, buzzing around Paul's head.

  "Yes, evidently the footage I sent has the council members concerned. Dorius was tight-lipped about Marcus. It makes me nervous. I don't want any bloodshed. I'm growing fond of these women." Paul looked off in the direction of the house, a frown on his face as he trotted along.

  "Are you going to tell Dorius about the guns?"

  "Not yet. I don't think they'll use them. Let's just see how this plays out."

  Gibbie buzzed off in the direction of the boat dock. "Yeah-right. Good luck with that, Cujo." The air filled with a chaotic high-pitched laughter that slowly faded.

  Dorius, flanked by Marcus and Camillio, on the way to meet Warren, strolled through the entrance hall of BAMVC Miami, headed for the limo idling in the parking lot.

  Christopher walked in through the big glass doors, dwarfed by a huge purple surfboard hanging under his arm, tethered to his right leg with a long piece of leather and an ankle strap of Velcro.

  Buster dripped and tracked sand along the black slate floors as Christopher swaggered toward them. He looked like a regurgitated billboard advertisement for Panama Jack, dressed in a pair of bright orange jams covered in large white magnolias. A long, brightly beaded piece of leather tied around his waist, hung to his knees and swayed as he walked. A royal blue shirt littered with palm trees hung open, showing off his skinny chest as his flip-flops squeegeed along on the floor.

  "I caught some sick waves out there, man. It's hard trying not to swallow the chowder, you follow? You kooks grubbing already? Choka, dudes! You need to wipe-out those junk-yard-dogs. Buster! Sit!"

  Buster sat.

  20

  I sat on the back porch with JoAnn, Zaire, and Resi, sucking blood bags while watching the sun float down through lazy gray clouds toward the opposite shoreline. Jeni was in the kitchen dishing out ice cream and Mom was making obnoxious suggestions to a contestant on 'Wheel of Fortune' in the living room.

  I frowned at my sister's slurping noises as she finished her bag of blood.

  The first shipment of blood had arrived yesterday, and no longer having to hunt for deer, JoAnn was elated. She'd plucked another plastic bag of blood out of the shipped package, stuck a bendy straw into it and sucked like a contented kid with a bloody juice box. The rest of us used our fangs.

  Mom yelled from the living room, "Hey guys, four big ass dudes just got out of a limo at the front gate. One of them has a bolt cutter in his hand."

  We all skidded into the living room and came to a stop in front of the surveillance monitor we'd just had installed.

  "Shit, there goes our new padlock. Anybody got any ideas?" I asked, staring at the four men at our front gate.

  Jeni calmly walked out of the kitchen and pulled a spoon out of her mouth. "Why don't we all go for ride? JoAnn and I packed the boat. We can be on the lake before they get to the front door."

  Sounded good to me.

  Jeni put her bowl of ice cream down and took Mom's arm, coaxing her toward the back porch. We all moved quickly toward the screen door.

  "Jennifer, why in the hell couldn't you have come up with something other than escape by water? I am not getting in that damn boat." Mom wiggled her arm out of Jeni's grasp only to have both Zaire and Resi snag her by each elbow, swinging her between them as they leapt down the porch steps.

  "Suck it up, sweetie. The Morizzio boys got dibs on the only other exit," Jeni said, and stepped through the screen door.

  "Damn, look at that dragonfly." I pointed as it zipped by my head, heading for the boat.

  Susan, it's just like you to notice a damn bug when we're about to get our throats slit, JoAnn pushed at me as she ran out the screen door behind me.

  "Get out of my head, JoAnn," I growled, running down the steps.

  Everyone momentarily jerked to a halt at the sound of wood splintering. Then we all headed for the dock like a gator was nipping at our asses.

  "Shit, move it, Mom," I spat, dodging my mother and the girls. I landed on the patio at breakneck speed, running for the dock.

  My mother screeched, "Damn it Jeni, I am not drowning today!" Her feet bicycled between Zaire and Resi as they carried her down the wooded dock toward the boat.

  "Honey, you're already dead, remember?" Jeni, bringing up the rear, hobbled down the dock toward us.

  I stood with the boat lines in my hands and saw a tall blond man circle the side of the house. "Mom, quit fighting them and get in the damn boat!"

  "Where the hell is my Valium when I need it?" Mom gasped, eyes filled with terror, her body rigid as the girls, literally, tossed her in the bow, jumping in after her.

  Jeni and JoAnn stepped in after them.

  I threw the lines in, pushed the Pro-Line away from the dock and jumped into the bow as the blond immortal stepped onto the edge of the long wooden walkway connected to the dock.

  I made my way to the back of the boat, watching three other men run across the patio. All four of them walked to the edge of the dock as the boat slowly motored fifteen feet away. I wiggled my fingers at them, but stopped laughing abruptly when I saw little beady red eyes heading around the house toward the immortals.

  "Holy shit!" I pointed at the dock.

  "Let's move it!" Resi yelled over the noise of the outboard motor, nudging Zaire on the shoulder.

  Zaire hit the throttle and the boat shot off. She made a big circle about twenty feet from the dock, kicking up a nice wake.

  Behind the men, two raccoons, several squirrels, a red fox, three rats, a possum, a porcupine and an armadillo, all with glittering red eyes, strutted their way across the cement patio. A gator emerged from the lake grass beside the dock, eyes hooded; studying the four immortals as it silently made its way toward the shoreline. The men watched us, unaware.

  "Friggin'-A, man!" Zaire yelled, eyeing the motley crew. "I think we should stay and fight with the vamp brigade.

  "JoAnn and I loaded all your weapons in the compartment in the bow," Jeni announced. "Just in case." She smiled at me from the bow.

  "We have an arsenal in this boat?" Zaire made another sweep, turning the boat around in front of the dock. "Oh, hell yes! I got dibs on the big-daddy shotgun this time."

  The immortals didn't look happy. I was kinda' hoping they'd turn around and see the freaks of nature flanking the deck behind them. "Let's not pull out the firearms just yet," I suggested, getting a loud grunt from Zaire.

  My eyes skipped a little tango across the two men's faces we'd seen in the video. Dorius was filled with rage. That made me smile. Then I locked eyes with Marcus. My undead heart jumped in my throat, my naughty bits did a little dance, and the hair on my arms stood at attention while each little follicle tingled.

  I heard masculine, bellowing laughter in my head.

  Marcus was grinning at me, his eyes shining, his jeans way too tight, and his body way too sexy. I wanted to kiss that grin right off his face. God, he was beautiful.

  The gator waddled down the dock. All four immortals jerked around when it opened its mouth and hissed.

  JoAnn grabbed the window of the dashboard for dear life when Zaire hit the gas, turned the wheel starboard, and threw all of us port side.

  On the dock, the gator swiftly moved toward the vampires.

  As usual, JoAnn was humping my mind like Tootles joy riding the leg of the recline
r. Son-of-a-bitch! We're going to capsize! The boat is on its side!

  I sucked in a breath and shot a scowl at her tight lips; she gave me nasty eyebrows.

  The engine sped up. I grabbed for the motor, the transom, anything that flew by me as the boat turned in circles on the choppy lake.

  Zaire pumped one hand in the air and shouted, "Let's see you exterminate a vamp-gator you blood-sucking bastards. Sanction that, assholes!"

  Dorius put his fingers in his mouth and whistled as the gator leapt at him. They both hit the lake, the gator's teeth wrapped around one of his legs. The gator did a death roll and pulled him under the water, cutting off his shrill whistle.

  A huge rock with arms emerged from the lake. It grabbed the gator's mouth by its snout, pulled it open and Dorius' swam away. The rock tore off the gator's head and tossed it against a cypress tree, then slipped back into the water.

  Dorius pulled himself up onto the dock with a loud growl. The rest of the vamp-animals scattered.

  "What the hell was that big ugly gray thing with arms?" I asked, my jaw an inch from my chest.

  Where are we all supposed to sit? JoAnn didn't give a shit about the live rock with arms. She hung onto the windshield for dear life, the boat on its side, as Zaire made another pass.

  Jeni, JoAnn and Mom were all wedged between the split windshields in front of the seats, half in the bow, fighting each other to get to a seat.

  JoAnn shoved my mother at me.

  Mom fell to her knees at my feet, bared her fangs at JoAnn and cussed like a ho. "I'm gonna slap the fucking shit out of you, you goddamned, son-of-a-bitch!"

  JoAnn pushed, Put your teeth back in your filthy little mouth, Mom. She turned to me. Get behind the steering wheel, now!

  Mom scaled up my body, latching onto my shoulders.

  I glared over Mom's shoulder at JoAnn's tight lips. "I've got my hands full, you get behind the steering wheel, smart ass."

  JoAnn reached for the wheel, fell on her ass, and the boat kicked up a good wake.

  Zaire, more alive than I'd seen her in months, yelled, "I got a big mutha-F'n shotgun! Bring it on, boys! I'd love'ta blow your undead hearts right out'a'ya friggin' chests!"