Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  "Yes, sir!" Mom said, like a good little ass-sniffer.

  I did some flame blowing of my own. Mom had an obnoxious smile on her face that I oooh-so-much wanted to smack off.

  I was livid. Our new, electronically equipped van with bear logos painted on both front doors only added to my anger. "Come on, Dorius. Give me a break. That signage will get us way too much attention."

  Dorius ran his tongue across his upper teeth, holding back a grin. "I've alerted the authorities that BAMVC is now dispatching trained Animal Control Officers, and since they seem to be undermanned and underpaid, they're grateful for our assistance."

  Dorius looked self-satisfied. "Paul will be the liaison between your team and the local Animal Control offices. He will handle all correspondence with them. You ladies will use as little verbal acquaintance as possible. Do I make myself clear?"

  "This is bullshit," I said, eyeing the damn logo.

  "Your uniforms are in the van," Dorius said with a smile. "You will all wear them in the field."

  "Wait until you see them. They're cute little jumpsuits with our team logo on the breast," Mom said proudly. "Mine has my name and 'Team Leader' printed under the logo."

  Laughter rolled around in my head. You're cute when you're angry. I forgot he could see me. Damn it, this sucked.

  35

  I sat crammed in the short middle seat between Jake - his flatulence issues very apparent - and Christopher slumped against the window as we rolled down I-75 headed for home. Resi and Zaire were stretched out in the far back. Paul was driving and the fairy was perched on the rearview mirror holding the small metal rod attached to the front windshield.

  "Jake, as soon as we get home, I want to see your dragon side," Mom commanded in a boisterous voice.

  "I don't shift unless it is necessary!" Jake blurted. His went eyes wide, he farted, then burped a bright flame, igniting the headliner above us.

  Gibbie zipped off the mirror toward the floorboard by Mom.

  I whipped off my shirt and Resi grabbed for it.

  "Let go, damn it!" I tugged it in my direction, patting at the smoking headliner.

  "I got it Mom!" Resi yanked it back and flapped it at the roof of the Suburban.

  Zaire curled into a ball, hands over her head. "Put the friggin' thing out - I got oil in my damn hair!"

  My mother turned around in her seat. "Jesus, we just got this car! Dorius is gonna shit!"

  I curled my lips back, yanked the t-shirt away from Resi and palmed it against the roof above my head.

  Jake belched and shot a stream of liquid out of his mouth. The headliner sounded like a hissing steam iron.

  Christopher's window slid down and he shoved his head out, sucking in fresh air.

  "You can come out of the door pocket, Gibbie. The fire's out," Mom said. "Jake, next time we talk about your...other side…it will be outdoors."

  Paul turned on the radio and soft jazz wafted into the cab. "Why don't we all just listen to the music and try to keep quiet until we get to the house."

  Gibbie buzzed out, landed on Paul's shoulder, grabbed a fist full of hair and placed his hand on his sword. "You need a damn Valium, dragon. I'm not fond of steam baths."

  Jake covered his ears, whimpered and farted.

  "Let's not freak out the dragon again." Mom fanned the air in front of her nose.

  I looked down at my soot covered, damp t-shirt and sighed. Zaire tried to hand me one of the frigging jumpsuits. I slapped it back at her and pulled my shirt over my kinked up hair.

  What are you guys doing? We can see your location on our viewing screens, and your car is smoking, JoAnn's annoying voice blared from the monitor on the dash.

  "Oh God, and the games begin." I leaned into the wind coming from Christopher's window, plucked my shirt away from my skin and flapped it a few times.

  "Just a little fire, Aunt JoAnn," Resi said. "Nothing to worry about - it's out."

  Zaire snickered.

  Paul began to whistle to the music.

  Christopher started laughing.

  "You got any sightings on our furry friends?" Mom asked.

  Ummm… well… JoAnn said, and then there was a long moment of silence.

  I turned from the window and stared at the monitor. "Well?"

  Jeni's voice came from the dash. Actually, there are quite a few. We can direct you when you get there. Not to worry. Are you planning on getting started tonight?

  "How many?" Zaire yelled.

  Jake burped.

  I leapt for the window, getting a slap from Christopher.

  Zaire and Resi plastered themselves against the back window.

  "Yes, we are gonna get started as soon as we get home and suit up." Mom hooded her eyes at us.

  JoAnn sang, Oh good. I can't wait to start directing you guys in the field! This is so exciting.

  "Can we shut that frigging thing off, Mother?" I had my eye on Jake.

  "I don't think that's a good idea, Concetta," Paul said.

  "I'd like all of you to address me as Chick," Mom announced. "Concetta's a girly name."

  "No problem, Mom," I answered.

  "Not you, stupid."

  We arrived home, unloaded the van, equipped ourselves with knives, donned our zoot-suits, walkie-talkies, and headed out.

  Mom shouted orders, "Susan and Christopher, head toward the barn. Paul and Gibbie tell the troll we're here, get him started covering the shoreline, then head for the woods on the east side. Jeni says there are at least twelve sets of eyes there. Zaire and Resi can reconnoiter around the perimeter of the property. Jake and I will head for the woods on the west side of the house. Let's move it!"

  Marcus' voice tickled my mind. Susabella, are you thinking about me? I find myself filled with desire for you and…

  Can't talk, sweet cheeks. Got a walkie-talkie plugged in my ear. I stomped my way across a field.

  Marcus' laughter echoed between my ears.

  Christopher and I walked stealthily toward the barn as Zaire and Resi separated from us, headed for the front gate.

  "Sorry about the bathroom thing," Christopher whispered. "I was angry with Dorius and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

  "Forget it," I hissed. "Let's just get ours and call it a day. We'll check the inside first."

  "Sure," Christopher answered. "Just wanted to clear that up. It's nothing personal."

  "Alright already - let's just get inside," I snapped.

  "You don't have to get all bitchy on me. Hey, I did you a favor."

  I glared at him and started to unlock the barn door, trying to be as quiet as possible, but I was pretty sure if anything was in there, they sure as hell knew we were out here.

  Susan! Hold it! JoAnn's loud voice sent me four feet in the air. I yanked out my earpiece, stuck my finger in my ear and wiggled it, then stuffed the damn thing back in my ear.

  "JoAnn, you scared the shit out of me!" I hissed into the walkie-talkie, watching Christopher giggle and adjust his earpiece. "What the hell do you want?"

  There are four sets of eyes behind the barn. Go around back first. JoAnn ordered.

  "Can you see me?" I figured that if she couldn't, then screw her, I was headed inside.

  Yes, I have a visual and you need to go around back first.

  "Don't you dare tell me how to hunt!"

  Christopher turned away, his shoulders up around his jaws.

  In the handbook, it says to go after the ones most likely to escape, JoAnn answered smugly. That would be the ones out back.

  Christopher grinned at me, his hand hugging the headset.

  I hit my chest with my thumb, a little too hard, then signaled I'd go left. I pointed at him, flipping him the finger, signaling right. Christopher hit his elbow with his hand, pumping his arm up in another sweet gesture, and then nodded as he headed right.

  Susan! JoAnn shouted at me.

  I squinted, a growl rumbling in my chest. I raised my hand toward Christopher, stopping him. He gave me a
thumb up and stood waiting, his other hand cupping his headphone.

  "Yessss," I growled into the walkie-talkie.

  Did you spray the Sure Kill scent remover all over you? I hope so, because they'll smell you a mile away if you have that patchouli stuff on.

  "JoAnn, you idiot, I've hunted for years. I think I know how to remain down wind and mask my scent."

  Just saying, I can smell you a block away with that stuff on, wind or no wind, and in the book, it says…

  I turned off the walkie-talkie.

  Christopher's nostrils flared, he shook his head up and down then grabbed his nose.

  I growled, slicing my throat with my hand, my teeth bared.

  Marcus' voice assaulted me. Susan, turn the hand-held back on. You need them to guide you... unless you want me to guide you, because if you do, I can think of a few things I'd have you do. Just for me.

  I took in a long, deep, cleansing breath and turned the frigging thing back on.

  "I'll phase, you go talk to the troll." Paul told Gibbie. "I can cover more terrain on all fours."

  "Why do I always have to talk to the rock?" Gibbie flew off in a huff toward the boat dock. He rounded the corner of the house, spotting a large black lump protruding from the water by the cypress trees lining the shore.

  "Bout time… one of you came out… to clue me in. Check… the dock," the troll said, rising from the water and ambling onto the shore in front of Gibbie.

  "What's on the dock? I don't eat fish."

  "Not…fish…go look," Mort said with a smile, his teeth full of green slime.

  "God, I need to introduce you to a toothbrush. You're disgusting. Close your mouth when you eat, for crying out loud." Gibbie buzzed toward the dock.

  Mort slid back in the lake, water roiling around him. He emerged at the edge of the wooden platform where the boat was tied.

  "Holy shit! These all vamps?"

  "Yep… I take… my job… ser-i-ous-ly. Got all of them… today. So, what's the…the… plan… tonight?" Mort peeked out of the water at Gibbie, blowing bubbles.

  Gibbie stared at the pile of aquatic mammal and reptile pieces neatly stacked on the edge of the dock.

  The wolf rounded a group of trees. Nostrils flared, ears back, he stood perfectly still, waiting. His whole body vibrated as a squirrel scampered out from under a bush, red eyes darting. The wolf leapt, grabbed it by the head and shook vigorously. Bones cracked. The animal went limp. He placed the squirrel on the ground, front paw on its back, dug his teeth around the animal's neck, reared back and tore its head off.

  "Can you please stop farting?" Chick had her hands on her hips, glaring at Jake. "We'll never get close enough to kill anything, for Christ sake."

  Jake's eyes got big and round, his cheeks flushed bright pink, and he cowered. "I'm holding my butt cheeks as tight as I can. I'm sorry! You scare the wind right out of me!"

  Nanna, there's six sets of eyes directly in front of you by that scattering of bushes off to the west of the field, Jeni's voice floated from the earpiece.

  Chick raised her hand, wiggled her fingers at the bushes, and all the foliage, two squirrels, a raccoon, a fox, an armadillo and a pit bull flew twenty feet into the air.

  Jake yelped. A huge flame erupted from his mouth and set the whole west side of the field on fire.

  Chick stood slack-jawed as the animals hit the ground, engulfed in flames. She pushed the button on her walkie-talkie. "We got ours."

  "Zaire, look. By the mailbox," Resi whispered.

  Zaire's head jerked in the direction of the front gate.

  That's right. There are five of them out there by the fence. Circle around the path beside the barn and hit them from the other side. Jeni whispered.

  "10-4," Zaire said, signaling Resi toward the path while she went the other way.

  Resi stood at the gate watching the pack of animals baring long fangs at Zaire. She clicked her tongue against her cheek. They all turned to look at her. She scrunched up her face and all of them froze, fangs retracting.

  Zaire sighed.

  Resi wiggled her eyebrows and all of them closed their eyes and laid down.

  "Well, that was sort of anticlimactic." Zaire picked up the first one and slit its throat.

  "I drop 'um, you chop 'um," Resi chuckled. "Looks like we got us a nice routine going here."

  Zaire wiped blood from her face. "Damn it! I wanted a real fight!"

  Susan! Hurry! JoAnn screeched in my ear. Off to your left about thirty-feet, by the woodpile! Get 'em before they run!

  I grabbed my ear, shaking my head. "Damn it, JoAnn! Can you give me some kind of warning before you scream in my frigging ear? You're giving me a frigging headache!"

  Christopher was already at the woodpile pulling his knife.

  I ran up and we both eyeballed a big, angry porcupine with huge fangs.

  "Put up your shield so it can't run off," Christopher whispered.

  "Hell no! I'm not trapping myself inside a force-field with a fanged porcupine!" I inched closer.

  "Wimp! I'm not afraid of a little porcupine." Christopher flung his knife. It flew by, inches from my cheek, sinking into the porcupine's chest up to the handle.

  A shitload of quills exploded from the porcupine and hit me in the chest, arms, and legs. I turned to run, getting at least fifty more in my back and ass.

  "Ow, ow, ow! Ooouch! Damn it all to hell, that hurt!" I yelled. "They're not supposed to be able to shoot those things, are they? I'll sure as hell remember that!"

  I heard a loud whistle in my ear, my hand shot up, grabbed my head and I stabbed my temple with at least a dozen quills embedded in my hand.

  Susan, who's shooting at you? JoAnn screamed in my ear. What's going on?

  "JoAnn, you made me stab myself; damn it!"

  You said to warn you! I thought a whistle would work.

  "Just click the call button or something! Christ."

  Sorry. I could hear the amusement in her voice and I thought I could hear Jeni laughing in the background. I also heard Marcus. Susan, my love, your family amuses me so. I miss you, darling.

  Before I could whip out a snarky remark, five squirrels and the raccoon with the split ear leapt from the woodpile, heading straight for us.

  I ran toward the animals, kicking up dirt. "That's the raccoon with the split ear. We have to take it alive!"

  I grabbed one of my knives. Three squirrels leapt at me, impaling themselves on the quills hanging from my chest. I looked down at them as Marcus’ laughter ricocheted around in my head. "I got mine," I sighed.

  Christopher ran for the others and was quickly rolling on the ground with the raccoon.

  The other two squirrels turned abruptly and ran at me. I whipped up my force field. They slammed into it, clinging to the other side. Damn spiffy! Thank God for all that practice in the gym. Woohoo!

  I plucked the squirrels dangling from my chest, one by one, slicing their heads off, and stuffed them into my jumpsuit pocket, keeping an eye on their furry brethren still attached to the force-field.

  Christopher got up, holding an angry raccoon firmly in his small hands. It was hissing and clawing his arms. "I could use some help here."

  "Sure, I mean I only killed three and seem to have the other two trapped. I live to assist you, oh useless partner of mine."

  "Look, I had to capture mine alive. Deal with it."

  I walked up to the wall that held the two animals captive, pulled another knife out of a sheath on my thigh and slammed both through the shield, into the squirrel's bellies. The shield disintegrated - both squirrels hung from a knife.

  "Can you move it along, or I'm gonna have chop-meat for hands!"

  "Damn, I'm good!" I leaned over, stepping on one, pulled the knife out and severed its little head off its shoulders, then repeated the process with the other, sliding them into my jumpsuit. With bloody hands, I pulled a canvas bag off the belt clipped to my waist, popped in all the bodies and heads, walked over to Christopher and opened i
t under the raccoon.

  "It's about friggin' time." Christopher dropped the raccoon inside and I tied off the top and hung it back on my belt.

  Christopher pointed at my boobs decorated with porcupine quills. "You wanna pull those out first or head to the barn?"

  I smiled at his scratched-up hands. "The barn."

  I ran after him, yanking quills out of my chest.

  "So how many did we get?" Resi asked, putting two large black trash bags of vamp critters on the back porch.

  "Sixty-two and that's not counting the pile on the dock," Gibbie squawked.

  "There's… twenty-seven… bodies…on the… dock." Mort's slow drawl wafted up to the porch from the lake.

  "Eighty-nine! Christ, and all because JoAnn bit a damn raccoon," Resi said.

  "She's evil and she must be destroyed," I whispered wickedly.

  "Damn, and we've got two weeks left," Zaire said. "I bet we're only half-way there."

  Two weeks later, we stood in front of the sliding-glass doors staring out onto the porch. It was packed with black trash bags, reeking of death.

  "Any idea how we get these heads back to Miami?" Mom asked, fanning her face. "They sure as hell aren't gonna fit in the van."

  "We need a friggin' eighteen wheeler, that’s what we need," Zaire said, turning to take a breath.

  "I got it all taken care of. They'll be there when we arrive," I said, exchanging a grin with Christopher.

  "That doesn't sound good, Susabella," Mom said. "What are you up to?"

  Marcus rumbled in my head.

  Can't do a damn thing, can you Fang-Boy? I pushed.

  "We put the raccoon in a cage in the back of the van. He is not a happy camper," Paul said, walking into the living room.

  "Let's go say goodbye to Mort," I suggested with dancing eyebrows.

  "Fuck Mort," Zaire said.

  "Yeah, fuck Mort," Gibbie agreed.

  "Children, be nice," Mom said.

  Four hours later we pulled up in front of BAMVC, the raccoon screeching in the back of the Suburban. I made a suggestion. "I think we should park around the side of the building, walk along the path, stand in front of the building and wait for Dorius to come out." I pulled out a pile of sunglasses from my purse.