Burn

by Jc Emery

  “What did you see?” He drags his lips lightly up my cheek to my temple. It’s such an intimate move. I’m having second thoughts about sharing this with him.

  “A house with a white minivan. A big family, lots of kids, and my husband, the accountant.” I try to hide my face, but he won’t let me. Admitting this to him makes me feel so inadequate and silly.

  “Don’t hide from me. I like knowing you,” he whispers. A smile cracks on his face. “An accountant—really?”

  “I was a dumb kid,” I say in defense. When he doesn’t keep on teasing me, I continue what I was trying to say to begin with. “And the kids thing doesn’t matter anyway.”

  “Why not?” His brows pull together.

  “There was too much damage,” I whisper, feeling shame in my heart. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it happened anyway and having to admit that my body can’t do what it was made to do is upsetting. Ian’s face forms a frown and he mouths, “I’m sorry.”

  “Anyway. I wanted what every other teenage girl wants—I wanted to fall in love. And then, surprisingly, I did. Heath was a few years older, and he was pretty great. We got married right after I graduated high school, and I thought I was living the dream. Heath was not an accountant—he was an undergrad. But campus jobs don’t pay the bills.

  “Before he asked me to marry him, he joined the army so he could support us while I went to school. His parents were so angry with him—I can still hear their voices in my head. He didn’t care, though. Heath was big on making a commitment and sticking to it. We were married less than three months when he deployed. Before we could celebrate our one-year anniversary, I had a couple of men in uniform at my door telling me my husband was dead.

  “I didn’t deal with it well. I was depressed. I just wanted to feel better, and that led me down the rabbit hole.”

  Ian places a kiss to my temple and hooks a hand around the back of my neck.

  “I did things I wish I could forget. If you knew the things I’ve done, you wouldn’t worry about corrupting me. You’d know I came to you that way. You’re so consumed with the idea that I won’t be able to handle your darkness, but what about mine?”

  Chapter 24

  The rest of the drive to the breeder is uneventful. Mindy’s words play in my head over and over.

  What about mine?

  The words are on the tip of my tongue as I fight with myself to have the courage to say them.

  Nothing and no one will stop me from loving you.

  She was so honest and direct. For all her trauma, Mindy loves openly and pursues what she loves without worry. I envy her that—her strength. In comparison, I’m such a fucking pussy. She deserves better, more, but I’m too selfish to let her go. Who can I be for her? How can I really give her safe and happy when I can’t even tell her how she fucking owns me?

  Unlike Mindy, I don’t love openly. I’m not sure that I even know how. Maybe I have more trauma than I thought. In the absence of words, I spend every day trying to show her how I feel. I’m careful with her, always trying to make sure I haven’t hurt her feelings. I give her space when I can tell she needs it, and I do everything I can to not suffocate her. Even though I want to. I just get so caught up in my own head that I lose my ability to be there in the moment with her. I don’t even know what to do or say about the kids thing. I remember overhearing conversations her doctors had about the damage from the rape, but I never knew how it ended up. I don’t care, not really. The main thing that fucks me up is that she can’t have something I know she wants.

  All this time I was so worried about my own damage, and hating the person I see in the mirror, that I never stopped to wonder what she sees staring back at her. I’ve only ever looked at her and seen what I want to see. Mindy is beautiful and strong. She amazes me with her ability to grow. It’s taking a while, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the idea that maybe her darkness complements mine.

  “What about this one?” Mindy asks as Joey, the head breeder, leads us past an older German shepherd who’s napping in the hallway.

  I walk close behind her, letting her do her thing. I’ve been on point for Forsaken when it comes to Joey and his business for years now, but the moment we got out of the SUV and she saw a kennel full of puppies, I lost total control of the situation. I don’t tell her that, but I realize when I’m fighting a losing battle. If she keeps eyeing every fucking dog we pass the way she has been, we’re not going to have room in the SUV for us to make it home. Maybe I can pass dogs out as early Christmas presents or something. I don’t know.

  “Beau ain’t going anywhere. He was one of our studs back when he was younger, but now he’s my wife’s pride and joy,” Joey says, ushering us into a room at the end of the hall. There’s a loud noise that stops him in his tracks. He tries to back up, but Mindy is right behind him, and he has to stop himself from running her over. I grab hold of her quickly and pull her behind me. Metal slams against metal, and a hard thump sounds on the floor, followed by the painful cry of a young dog. There’s growling and a commotion that sends Joey flying into the room and ordering me to keep Mindy in the hallway. Motherfucker best get to remembering who he’s talking to and soon.

  “A dog sounds like it’s getting hurt,” Mindy says and moves to step around me. I turn around and grab her by her upper arms, stopping her from making it past the closed door.

  “It’s not our business. Joey doesn’t step into my club and tell me how to run my shit, so I’m not gonna come here and tell him how to handle his shit.” Another horrific yelp comes from inside the room, followed by a deep, angry growl.

  “Cesar, put the fucking thing down!” Joey screams.

  Mindy’s eyes nearly bulge out of her head. She takes a step away from me as she pulls a hair tie out of her pocket and secures her hair back in a loose ponytail. “They’re going to kill it,” she says with an impressive edge about her. “You can help me stop it or get the fuck out of my way.”

  My stomach rolls at the noises coming from beyond the closed door. Until Joanne Jennings, I’d never taken a woman out before. I didn’t want to do it, but she was complicit in what her sick-fuck husband had done to Mindy, so she had to die. I’ve never taken down an animal either, and I never plan to. Shit. If Mindy hadn’t taken a stance against whatever’s going on in there, I would have reached my limit soon.

  “Stay behind me,” I say and take a deep breath. This is going to fuck with business, I just know it. We don’t even know what’s going on, but there’s no way I can keep my girl in the hallway while all hell is breaking loose on the other side of the door.

  I open the door slowly, checking that the room is safe for Mindy to be in, before completely entering with her behind me. There’s a large metal table in the center of the room and an industrial looking counter-cabinet combo in the corner. A swinging door bridges this room from the next. Through the small window in the swinging door, I see a row of cages in the adjacent room. I’ve been in this room before, but it’s been a few years.

  Joey is in the corner with a grasping pole out in front of him, while another man, who I’m guessing is Cesar, is holding a bleeding arm with one hand and using the hand of his injured arm to point a fucking thirty-eight at a growling blue pitt.

  I keep an arm out to my side, to keep Mindy behind me. The pitt has blood around her mouth, and she’s in a protective, angry stance. Something caused the dog to flip out. No telling what, but it must have been bad. In all my years working with these dogs, and pitts in particular, I’ve never seen one lash out without being provoked. There are bad people, but there are no bad dogs.

  When I move farther into the space, I have a better picture of what’s going on. The angry pitt looks like she gave birth just recently. Her teats are swollen, and her belly hangs low. Fuck. Just seeing her from this angle, I can tell she’s been bred too many fucking times.

  Cesar raises the gun in his hand and points it at the dog in front of him. His hand shakes, like he can’t believe he
’s about to do this. His eyes dart back and forth to Joey, visually pleading for help.

  “Fucking shoot her!” Joey shouts.

  Mindy gasps from behind me and moves to her left, heading right for the angry dog. I pull her back behind me and create a wall between her and what’s caught her attention. My eyes follow her line of sight to the little ball that’s huddled in the corner with half-closed eyes and a bloody ear. There’s a needle sticking out of its side and its crying out. Cesar stands between the puppy and the bitch who I assume is its mother. Fuck. No wonder she’s flipping out.

  “Get out of here, man. Your woman doesn’t need to see this,” Joey says, half-mad with rage. He moves in closer to the angry mother and hooks her around the neck with the loop of the pole. She fights him vigorously, nearly getting a hold of his shoe in the process. If she’d been successful, his toes would be gone, no doubt.

  “What the hell happened?” I ask. I can’t leave this room without knowing what the fuck is going on in here, especially with Mindy here with me.

  “Pup’s defective. The bitch can’t birth a good litter anymore,” Joey says. I come to the realization that they were trying to destroy both dogs about half a second too late. Mindy darts around my other side and approaches the tiny dog carefully. Its mother is distracted by the harness around her neck and doesn’t notice what Mindy’s up to until the puppy yelps in Mindy’s arms. Immediately, she pulls the needle full of what I’m willing to bet is a serum that will stop its heart, out of its side and tosses it across the room. The mother redirects her anger at Mindy, but Joey controls her, and Mindy makes it back to me safely. It all happens so fast that I could no more stop her than I can stop what’s about to happen. I can feel it in my bones, the direction this is headed.

  “Put the pup down, lady!”

  “No,” Mindy says, still cradling the tiny thing in her arms. Her eyes land on me, and there’s no mistaking the desperation in her eyes.

  Well, it looks like we have a puppy.

  “Does she have a history of violence?” Mindy asks.

  “Not until asshole tried to destroy her pup in front of her,” Joey spits the words in Cesar’s direction.

  “Then I’m taking them both home with me,” she says firmly.

  “No, they’re being destroyed,” Joey shouts at Mindy, raising the hairs on the back of my neck. I used to like this guy. He’s never really pissed me off until now. I got no reason to get my nose in his business and he has no reason to put his in mine, and that’s how I like it, but fighting with my woman over a pair of dogs he was about to kill is a surefire way to get my attention.

  The next few minutes happen so fast that it’s hard for me to figure out what’s going on around me. Mindy moves to put the puppy in a travel crate that’s on the floor behind us, when the mother notices and lunges for her. With the sudden change of direction, Cesar gets slammed into the cabinet behind him, knocking the gun free from his hand and knocking Joey off his feet. The dog runs at Mindy full force, and I dislodge my gun, clicking off the safety and getting in position just in case. Jumping up on one of the counter tops, Mindy lets the mama dog get into the kennel with her pup. With my girl safely away from the angry dog, I place my gun beside Mindy and pick up the pole. It takes some work, but I eventually get the loop out from around her neck and use my steel-toed boot to close the door shut behind the two.

  “Guess you got your puppy after all,” I say and lock the door to the kennel shut. “Kind of a two-for-one deal.” The crazy woman grins at me and bites at her bottom lip.

  Cesar and Joey recover from their fall and head toward us. I tense up immediately at the look on Cesar’s face. Joey’s annoyed, maybe even a little mad, but Cesar looks downright furious. I pick my gun back up and wait. I should move to stand between Cesar and Mindy, but he can’t be dumb enough to try anything with me here. I’ve never met the man before, but there’s a hate in his eyes that puts me on edge.

  “What the fuck is your problem, you stupid bitch?” Cesar shouts in Mindy’s face. He grabs a hold of her arm and shakes her furiously. I don’t even think about what I’m doing. I lift the barrel of my gun to his head and pull the trigger.

  Cesar’s body slumps to the floor. Mindy cringes and gently props her foot out so when his body grazes her boot, he slumps backward and doesn’t block her from getting down without stepping on him. She stares at me with wide eyes and fear in her eyes. This is what I don’t want to see in her eyes when she looks at me. She sees a killer and always will.

  “He’s dead.” Her lips tremble.

  “He touched you,” I say.

  I warned her once, but she didn’t take me seriously.

  I’ll bet now she does.

  “Dude was shady anyway,” Joey says, backing away from me.

  “I still need the Doberman. These two are free, and I’m not fucking paying for the kennel,” I say. Joey raises his arms in the air and backs out of the room.

  Mindy stares at me with big, sad eyes. She hates what she sees, I can tell.

  “You were protecting me. There’s no shame in that.”

  Hours later, and we’re back in town. I know there’s a fucking party going on for my birthday at the clubhouse, but I don’t give a shit. Instead of heading there, I take us to the cabin after we drop off the dogs, which Mindy has named Missy and Punk, at a local vet. The vet seems to think they’re going to be fine, which is a relief. If Mindy were in a bad mood post-vet, I wouldn’t get to do what I want. And it is my birthday after all.

  “We’re supposed to be at the clubhouse for that thing. Aren’t we?”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll show up to my birthday party eventually. There’s just one thing I want to do first.” Dragging her in the house, I bring her to the bedroom and set her on the bed.

  “Figured something out today, babe.” I take her boots off for her, then slip my socks off her feet. Her socks are in better condition and actually fit her, but the woman insists on wearing mine. She’s smiling as she sits here, watching me.

  “That I want to make love to you.” Pussy alert. Serious pussy alert. If my brothers could hear this bullshit now, they’d never let me live it down. One, because I’m saying shit that makes me question my sanity, and two, because I’m still too big of a chicken to say what I really want to say.

  “I keep messing it up,” she says. “I’m trying not to push your limits like I have been.”

  “I know, babe.” I’ve had my hands over every inch of her flesh, but it’s not enough. She’s given me her body under such strict requirements—and yet none at all—but I need more. I need her. She gives me her whole body to do with almost entirely as I please, as long as I’m not too gentle. It unnerves her, the gentle touches.

  When I’ve tried to go slow, take my time, and savor being with her, she’s pulled back from me. In the past, I was gentle, careful to touch her as though she were delicate and not strong and brave like she is. But she didn’t want it. She always says she needs the pain, but it’s just one more way to torture herself, so I’m done.

  “I’m done with rough,” I say. My voice is heady with the emotion of this moment. “Kink I can do with you, but I won’t hurt you anymore. I can’t.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you either,” she says and brushes my hair from my eyes. A finger trails over the scar Mancuso put there. “I’m hurting you every time I demand more than you can give. It’s not fair to you.”

  As we undress one another, we talk in an honest and open way that I don’t think we’ve ever done before. At least not on this level.

  “The knife I carry around was a gift from the man who scarred my face. It’s the same blade he used on my flesh, and it’ll be the same blade I use on his.” I’m quiet, careful not to say the words too loudly, as if by being louder everybody will hear them. I take Mindy’s tank top off only to find she’s wearing another one under it. A survey of the back reveals it’s custom made with PROPERTY OF IAN in bold letters. I smile wide at the silly thing but keep mov
ing and toss it aside anyway.

  “I get wanting to remember the pain. Like if you don’t let yourself forget it, then it won’t take you by surprise if it ever happens again.” She stares at me wide-eyed, fearful even. “But asking me to hurt you, wanting me to take you beyond my limit, can’t happen.”

  “I won’t ask again. I don’t want to live in the pain forever. I don’t want you living in it forever.”

  “Good, because I’m all about pleasure now, babe.”

  “I don’t think I quite understand,” she says with a smirk and pulls me on top of her.

  I make slow, sweet love to her that afternoon. We lie in bed and talk about the day we’ve had. Never once does she look at me with fear or disgust like I think she should, and never once do I feel like she’s pulling away from me.

  “I love you,” I say into the dark room around us.

  She’s quiet for so long that I wonder if she even heard me. Eventually, though, she snuggles in and says, “I know. I love you, too.”

  It’s different than I expect it to go down, but it suits us all the same. She already knew, maybe long before even I did. I won’t rush us because I’m not stupid, but she’s mine and I intend to make it legal one day.

  5 months to Mancuso’s downfall

  Epilogue

  There’s a faint murmur of conversation coming from behind me. We don’t have a big crowd here, but it feels like there’s just too many. Alex promised me this is a small wedding, as far as these things go. My nerves are on edge, and all I can think is how I should have let her talk me into fucking eloping when she mentioned it. I wanted to give her more than some cheesy roadside chapel and an Elvis impersonator. I wanted to give her the wedding she didn’t get the first time.

  I’m a fucking idiot.

  Apparently we’re getting married on short notice. At least, those are the kinds of questions I’ve been fielding since we set the date. Nosy people who have no fucking place keep hinting at bullshit reasons for only having a four-month-long engagement. If I have to watch my girl tell one more person that she’s not pregnant, I’m going to fucking lose my shit. It’s not like they know—how could they—but it hurts her, so intent doesn’t matter. Every time she has to address it, she fights off the impending sorrow that sinks in. We’re still coming to terms with it, the fact that we can’t have kids. I’ve looked into shit Mindy doesn’t know about, to see if we could go about procuring a kid or two in another way. So far, nobody wants to give a kid to a man with a reputation like mine. I try not to let it bother me, because finally, after spending my entire life thinking otherwise, I know I have a good heart. I might be everything they fear, but because of Mindy, I now know I’m more than that.