Blow

by Fall, Lucy

  The top of Xander’s dark hair glows gold under the overhead lights. He glances over at me and offers a friendly smile and wave, and my heart almost explodes from the sudden rush of relief I feel. At least he doesn’t hate me. That’s a good sign, right? “Hey, Lauren! Come on in. Can I get you anything? You thirsty?”

  I shake my head and make my way to the end of the countertop, plopping the folder on top of the bar. “No, I’m good. You have a couple of minutes to talk?” I try to be as subtle as possible as I scope the room. I don’t see Cole. Maybe he isn’t working today. Damn, I should have thought this out better. In my rush to come here, I didn’t consider the fact that he might not be around.

  Xander gives the customer the beer, rings it up to update the man’s receipt, then comes over to me, resting his forearms on the surface. “Sure, I got some time.” He drops his voice down. “By the way, I don’t know if Cole told you yet, but Dad is going to be selling his portion of the business to another buyer.”

  I blink hard. “Whoa, really?” My heart lurches as I realize immediately that Cole never said a word to me. “No, I didn’t know,” I finish lamely. “Has he come home?”

  “He did last weekend.” Xander scratches the back of his neck, and his gaze skitters away then back to me. “So, yeah. Cole’s going to help me out in the meantime until we find a permanent partner.”

  “Sure. That’s fine.” I’m all business as I open the folder, proud that I’m able to keep my face smooth instead of showing the hurt I’m feeling at him not telling me something so big about his father. He must really be pissed at me. Shit. This is going to be way harder than I ever imagined. I swallow and lift my chin. “So, we have all the contractor bids in. I’ve sorted them in my order of preference, but I wanted to get your feedback before I contact them.”

  Xander takes his time scouring the bids, in between answering customer requests, fetching extra napkins, and so on. I settle into a bar stool and just watch him. Growing up, Xander was always a nice guy, a bit more outspoken than Cole was. He didn’t let his mother’s overprotectiveness limit him. No, he always just snuck out and did his own thing. Cole told me more than once how he wanted his brother’s courage.

  But when Cole went off for his last deployment, he didn’t see Xander cry and whisper to his wife that he was scared for his brother. That stuck with me.

  Cole has definitely become the man he wanted to be. He’s a man who has depths and facets I never explored before. And I don’t want to lose that with him. I need Cole in my life, and all I can do is hope I haven’t blown it with him.

  Xander finishes poring over the documents, then nods. “Yeah, I agree with your assessment here. They’re not the most inexpensive, but their reno work looks good, and I’d rather pay for high quality.”

  “Excellent.” I gather the material back up and shove it in the folder, standing. “I’ll contact them today and let them know.”

  “Great. Cole’s back in the office if you can fill him in on the details, too.”

  And just like that, my skin starts to hum all over. He is here. I struggle to breathe past tight lungs. “Oh. Yeah. Sure, okay. I’ll do that.”

  Xander raises a brow at me then leans forward. “What’s happening between you two…none of my business. But he cares about you, Lauren. A lot.” His brown eyes are piercing, and I can see the family resemblance strongly right now in the intensity. “Just…go easy on him, okay? He’s stressed right now, and you know Cole—he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

  “I don’t want to hurt him. I care about him, too.” I want to be there to help shoulder some of that weight. Again, my heart lurches at the information I learned about his dad. I need to make things right between us, somehow.

  I head back to the office and rap on the door.

  “Come in,” his familiar, husky voice says, and I open it and peek my head in. He’s bent over paperwork, writing furiously.

  “Hey.” My voice is soft, hushed.

  His head jerks up and he blinks in surprise. Then the mask falls back over his face and I can’t read his emotions. “Oh. Lauren. Hey.”

  I bite my lower lip. “Can I come in? Is this a bad time? I…have some remodeling stuff to discuss.”

  “Sure.” He waves me to the chair in front of his desk, and I take a seat.

  Quickly I go through the same spiel I told his brother, and Cole glances over the bids we received. While he’s looking at the papers, I’m looking at him, absorbing everything I can. God, he’s so striking, so… I swallow. The things I’m feeling for him are overwhelming, confusing. It’s all happening so fast for me.

  What is this thing that makes my heart seize when he looks at me? That makes me want to jump across the desk into his arms, to feel his mouth on mine? It isn’t just lust. I’ve felt that for other men, and it never carried the depth or intensity this emotion does.

  That strange sensation crawls back up my chest as a single word whispers in the back of my mind. But I can’t think that, no, not right now. Not when I’m desperate to save any scrap of friendship I can with him. I have to focus on that.

  “Whatever you guys think is fine,” Cole finally says as he flips the folder back toward me. “That contractor looks competent.”

  “Thanks.” I pause, weigh my next words. “So your dad is home? How are things?” I hope the question sounds as light as I intend.

  “Everything’s good, thanks.”

  My cheeks burn. God, this is shit. Utter shit. “Are things going to keep being like this between us?” I blurt out. “Distant and awkward? Because…I miss you. So much. And it’s killing me that everything is all messed up.” Tears sting my eyes, and I swipe them away before he can see them spill out. “I can’t stand this, Cole. Tell me how I can fix it.”

  His eyes soften a fraction, and he leans toward me. “I miss you too, Lauren. It’s been a rough week for me as I think about everything.” There’s a long, pregnant pause, and I suddenly feel like I’m right on the edge of the cliff, peering down. It’s that jump Cole challenged me about before. But I have a sudden suspicion, based on his face, that I’ll be jumping alone. “I think we should go back to being just friends.”

  Yup. Nailed it.

  There’s a blur of emotions mingling in my gut at his words. None of them feel good. Because this last week of silence and isolation made me realize I want more than friendship with Cole…and yet it made him realize he doesn’t.

  Is this about Max? I want to ask him. Or am I just not what you want in a girl you’re dating? But pride keeps me from doing so. My chest stings. My throat is tight. So I keep my reply at a nod. When I can finally speak a few moments later, I say, “Your friendship is the most important one in my life. I don’t want to lose that.” The words are honest, but there’s so much more beneath the iceberg tip that I’m biting back.

  I finally realize something odd and discomforting about this interaction. Cole isn’t touching me. At all. He’s always been affectionate, reaching over to stroke my hair or hand. Hugging me. But there’s a massive wall around him right now, one I can’t penetrate. I want to touch him but I’m afraid it’s crossing a line. So I stay seated and just silently ache.

  “Your friendship means a lot to me, too,” Cole says in a husky voice. He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing hard. His lips thin as he exhales through his nose.

  “I’m glad to hear you say that,” I confess. “I’ve been…” What words can I say to convey to him how I’ve been feeling without giving everything away? My pride and my heart are throbbing in pain from his withdrawal. My mouth wants his on mine so badly I can taste him. But Cole doesn’t want me like that, not anymore. I scramble to ask the question on the back of my mind. “Um, do you still want me to come to the birthday party on Sunday? If not—”

  “Of course I do,” he interrupts. He gives a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and my chest sinks a little. This is what we’ve become. A thin version of what we used to be. I hate it. “Everyone’s l
ooking forward to seeing you there.”

  Everyone. Meaning the family. Not Cole.

  I feel both hurt and ridiculous at how I’m overanalyzing his words. I don’t know if he meant it to come across that way. “Sounds good. Thanks.” The tears come back, and I blink fast.

  I turn to leave and open the door, my heart pounding so hard I’m certain he can hear it. The door is halfway open before I feel the press of his fingers in my other hand, and he’s pulling me back toward him. I spin and find myself in his embrace.

  It’s a quick hug; I regretfully pull back a moment after he does. I want to stay in his arms for so much longer.

  Cole smiles down at me, and it’s not as distant as his earlier smile. Like a pale sun on a spring day—offering light but not warmth. Still, it’s something. A step back to where we used to be.

  I leave his office. I never imagined I’d feel this way about Cole, but I do. And now I have to figure out how to live with it.

  Cole

  “Hey, buddy!” I say as I scoop James into my arms. “You having a fun time at your party?”

  He cackles and swings his arms out wide. “Airpane! Airpane!”

  I squint at him in mock seriousness and hold his little squirming body out in front of me. He’s a bit small for his age, having been born several weeks premature, but he’s strong and starting to make up for the developmental lag. “Are you sure you want an airplane ride? Have you been a good boy today?”

  He nods. His small mouth is crusted with chocolate chip cookie crumbs, and I know Rebecca brushed his hair earlier, though it’s sticking out all over the place now. “I’m super good.”

  I move to the corner of Xander’s backyard, where no one else is standing, and start to spin, and James howls and laughs. “It’s airplane time!”

  We play for a few minutes until I feel like I want to vomit, so I put him down and lean back against the fence. It’s the perfect day for an outdoor birthday party. Rebecca went all-out decorating the place with streamers, balloons, tablecloths, the whole nine yards. I don’t know how the woman does it all.

  Xander comes up to me and hands me a beer. “You look like you earned this.”

  “Your son is demanding,” I say, taking a long draw.

  “Family trait.” He shoves shoulders against me. “Thanks for helping with the party prep. I know Rebecca appreciates it.”

  We glance over to where Xander’s wife is standing, by the dessert table, scooping cookies and candy and other treats onto plates for a bunch of little kids. Her dark blond hair is pulled into a no-nonsense ponytail, and her small frame looks lithe and fit in capris and a sleeveless pink shirt.

  Xander’s riveted at the sight of his wife, and I can’t help the small twinge of jealousy I feel when Rebecca looks over at him and gives him a familiar, warm smile. They met in college and fell in love fast, getting married only six months into dating. Instead of James’s early medical problems causing issues in their relationship, it forged them stronger together.

  I want that connection, that love so badly. With Lauren.

  “She coming?” Xander asks me, and I jerk in surprise. Did he read my mind? He laughs. “You have that moony-as-fuck look on your face.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “I guess. She said she’d be here.” We’ve barely talked in the last several days or so, and it’s been hell avoiding her. I feel like a part of myself is missing. This pain has to get better.

  “Have you told Lauren how you feel?”

  “This might not be the best place to discuss the topic,” I warn him.

  James goes running by in front of us, holding an empty paper plate clutched in his fist. Behind him, the family golden retriever, BooBoo, is inhaling a tomato that slid off James’s plate.

  “You need to tell her,” Xander continues. “You two should just be honest and open up, and you’ll work it out.”

  Not likely. I put a hard stop on that in the bar’s office. I told her flat-out that I wanted to be just friends. So basically I lied through my teeth. But I’m not interested in being her sex buddy, not when I want it all. I won’t settle for less, and Lauren won’t give me more than her body. It’s better this way.

  “Ready to grill some burgers?” I ask him, not-very-subtly changing the subject.

  We go to the grill, which had already been heated up, and I unpack the burgers and dogs, lay them out on the slats. It’s not exactly rocket science, so I let my attention wander around the bustling crowd in the backyard. Lots of my family members—cousins, uncles, aunts. It’s good being home. I missed my family.

  “Lauren!” I hear Rebecca say. She crosses the yard, and the crowd parts for her, giving me my first glimpse of Lauren in days.

  Initially, all I see are her legs. Fucking long, curvy legs, in the shortest damn skirt I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s almost indecent. My dick instantly perks up, despite my efforts to will it back down. She has on a pink tank top that clings to her breasts—it’s not as scandalous, but it has my blood pumping hard.

  Fuck.

  I tear my gaze away and stare back at the grill. Flip burgers, try to focus on the searing sizzle of the meat. But my body is homed in to hers; I can sense where she is behind me even without looking.

  “So, Lauren’s here,” Xander observes drolly. “I’m gonna go say hi. You should too. Take her inside and make her feel welcome. But not on my bed, asshole.”

  I shoot him a withering glare. “I’m manning the grill. Go ahead and be a good host.” I need a minute to compose myself, to stop the roaring lust that awoke in my system. This is a kid’s party, for fuck’s sake. Not the time for me to think about shoving that skirt up, pushing her panties aside, and plunging my fingers deep in her cunt.

  My cock pounds against my zipper, wanting to be freed.

  “Cole,” a soft voice says from behind me, and all my skin becomes hyperaware of Lauren’s presence. A light, flowery perfume wafts in the air. It’s hard to not breathe the scent in.

  I take one more moment to compose myself, then turn around. “Lauren. Hi. Thanks for coming.” We’re only friends. We’re only friends. We’re only friends. I chant this to myself about eight million fucking times. If only I could erase the last few weeks from my brain, it would be all fine.

  And yet…I wouldn’t, even if I could. Stupid as it might be, I don’t want to forget what happened between us. Even for a little while.

  Lauren inches closer, peering up at me. Her lips are parted ever so slightly. “How have you been?” Looking down at her, I can see the small lines of stress around her mouth, between her brows. Her eyes are shaded, and she has bags under them. She’s stressed, even more than she was on Monday.

  My heart lurches in sudden concern. “I’m fine. You?”

  She shrugs one pale shoulder. “Busy.”

  Silence stretches between us for a painful minute. I clench the spatula to keep from reaching out and touching her creamy flesh. Being near her makes my craving all the more vivid, painful.

  She reaches up and tucks a strand of hair in the loose braid flopped over her shoulder. Keeps her fingers on the end of the braid, fidgeting. Swallows, gaze skittering away then back to me. She’s nervous.

  “There’s beer in the fridge inside,” I tell her. A drink will help her relax, I’m sure. I turn back to the grill quickly to remove the burgers and dogs from the slats onto a plate. When I get the food loaded up and spin back around, she’s gone.

  The tension in my chest tightens. Fuck. Now she probably thinks I was trying to dismiss her. If we’re going to be friends, we have to knock this awkward shit off and stop dancing around each other. This isn’t the place to talk about it, but I have a feeling a talk’s going to come soon.

  In the meantime, I hand the food platter to Xander, who’s been moving through the crowd and making conversation. Then I head inside, through the side door leading to the kitchen. A few women are shuffling around in here, getting out buns for the burgers and hot dogs, slicing tomatoes and onions, wiping snotty
kid noses.

  “You looking for Lauren?” my cousin Suzanna asks. She’s Mom’s brother’s oldest daughter. “She went in the back, down the hallway.”

  I nod my thanks and go down the carpeted hallway. Peer in each room as I pass. No sign of her. The door at the end, Xander’s bedroom, is cracked open, so I step inside. There’s a splash of water coming from the en suite bathroom, and a familiar small sniffle on the other side of the closed door.

  I close and lock the bedroom door behind me to give us a few minutes of privacy without any kids barging in, then go to the bathroom door. Rap on it. “Lauren. Come on out.”

  The sniffling stops, and there’s a pause. “I’m fine, Cole. Thanks. Go rejoin your family at the party.”

  “Come out right now, or I’m coming in.” It might not be the time for The Talk, where we delve into what happened between us and why it all went off the rails, but it’s clear we need to say something to break this ice. This shit isn’t going to cut it anymore.

  More water splashes, and she doesn’t answer.

  I give her to the count of three, then turn the knob and come in.

  “Cole!” she spins around, eyeing me. A small gray hand towel is in her hands, and under her eyes are streaked a bit with mascara. The whites of her eyes are red-lined, her lush lips quivering. She presses them together. “I’m…fine. Sorry. I’m— I know things went really badly between us, and I want us to be friends again. I want it so badly. It’s just all messed up right now.” She draws in a shuddering breath and drops her gaze to the ground.

  I reach out and stroke her bare upper arm, unable to stop myself from comforting her. It’s clear she’s really tortured about this. Regardless of anything else, I know she loves me as a friend, and this is hurting her, too. I pull her into my arms, wanting to ease some of her sadness, and she melts against me.

  “Shh, we’ll work it out,” I tell her, rubbing small circles on her back.

  My attempts at comfort seem to have the opposite effect on her, though. She drops the towel on the floor and grips my shirt at the back, clinging to me with an agonized deep sigh. “I…I… This is so awful,” she says against my shirt, her body shaking in my arms. “I’m so sorry I fucked everything up. I’m sorry, Cole. I miss you so much it hurts.”