Colby's Child

by Patricia Watters

  “It will carry them through hard times and cold winters,” Jason said. “The rest will come with time.” Turning his attention to Lily, he nuzzled her neck, and she grabbed a tuft of hair and squealed. He wiggled his head, and Lily laughed a high-pitched baby laugh...

  Her first true laugh, Jenny realized the same instant Jason did. They looked at each other in startled surprise, and laughed... And the brittle wall between them shattered into a thousand little gleeful titters. Jason kissed Lily’s cheek, bringing on a baby chuckle. “That’s my girl,” he said proudly, then cradled her in his arm and touched the tip of her button nose. Her tiny hand came out to curve around his big finger and he wiggled it, bringing a series of carefree chuckles.

  Jenny watched the interplay between them and wondered what was going to happen to Lily’s world when she was separated from this man she’d taken into her little trusting heart. And although Jason put on a tough facade for the town, she sensed he too would feel a void. Jenny knew her own heart would shatter. Feeling melancholy, she said in a wistful voice, “Will we ever see you again after we leave?”

  The light of laughter in Jason's eyes died, as did the smile on Lily’s face, as if her little heart knew and understood. Jason looked at Lily and said in a solemn voice, “I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think so. No. Probably not." He disentangled his finger from Lily’s hand and passed her to Jenny. “If you intend to take my stitches out before the party, we’d better get on with it,” he said in a brusque voice, then turned abruptly. Lily started fussing and reached for him, but he’d already walked into his bedroom.

  Jenny put Lily down for her nap and went to remove Jason’s stitches. Through the open doorway she saw him sitting on his bed, feet planted on the floor, elbows on his knees, fingers laced together as he waited for her, though his mind seemed far away. Gathering her box with tweezers and antiseptic and cotton and scissors, she went and sat on the bed. Turning to face him, she pushed the hair off his forehead and felt him flinch.

  “I’m sorry, but I can't do this without touching you,” she said. “And since you’ve convinced me that consummating our marriage is not in my best interest you can relax and not worry about my seducing you, if that’s what’s bothering you.”

  “Just get on with it,” Jason replied, in a gruff voice.

  “I’ve never taken out stitches,” Jenny said, “so you’ll have to bear with me.”

  Jason let out a little grunt, but said nothing. Jenny removed the dressing, poured antiseptic onto a cotton puff and pressed it to the wound, then prepared to remove the stitches. “Turn your face to me, Jason, or I won’t be able to do this,” she said, when he seemed intent on staring straight ahead.

  Jason turned, and when he did, his eyes locked on hers. “I hope this doesn’t take long," he said, "because it’s damn hard keeping my hands off you.”

  “I’ll try to be quick,” Jenny replied, then realized her hand was shaking so much she wondered if she could do it at all. Willing herself to be calm, she clipped and removed each stitch, leaving a jagged scar that held together. The task was over and she should leave. Instead, she touched her hand to the side of Jason’s face, turning his head so he’d have to look at her, and said, “Why can’t you just put behind you whatever it is that’s gnawing at your soul and allow me to be a wife to you, and you be a father to Lily?”

  Jason heaved a weary sigh, looked at her long and hard, and said, “Because there's no way on God’s earth I’ll drag you and Lily into my life and into my past. Now, leave it be."

  Abruptly, he left the room.

  ***

  Will Jacobs was the last to arrive at the party. When he stepped through the door, Sarah threw herself into his arms with such force, he had to brace himself to keep from tumbling backwards—while nine brides and several grooms-to-be, including Seth Colby, gawked at them in stunned silence. “I’ve missed you,” Will said, filling the silence.

  “I’ve missed you too,” Sarah said. She took his hand and pulled him over to a quiet corner of the room where they sat talking and nuzzling each other in their own little world. And the chatter and laughter of young men and women gradually returned.

  Jenny looked at Sarah nestled against Will, their fingers laced, their heads together in private chat. She envied Sarah marrying a man who was so open and honest with her, and so eager to make her his lawfully wedded wife in every sense of the word. Then she spotted Jason across the room chatting with Seth and several of the women. Jason had managed to keep up their charade while maintaining his distance, which was for the best. Jenny couldn’t imagine raising Lily in a mining town, and Jason refused to move with her because of a dark past he seemed unable or unwilling to put behind him.

  As she stood watching him, Jason looked at her briefly, then returned to his conversation with Seth, who seemed annoyed with the fuss being made over him by the young women. She doubted if Seth had ever been around eligible young women actively looking for husbands, and she wondered if Jason wasn’t standing beside him to keep him from fleeing. Seth looked on the verge of doing so. He glanced around the room, as if searching for an escape... Or for someone? That’s when Jenny noticed that Cora was missing, and she wondered why. Cora had been anxiously awaiting the party, asking a lot of questions about Seth. But tonight, she was nowhere to be seen. Seth glanced toward the front window, then abruptly left the circle of women and walked out of the house.

  Jason seemed about a heartbeat away from going after him and dragging him back by the scruff of his neck. Instead, he walked up to Jenny and said, his voice irritated, “That boy’s pushing his limits with me.”

  Miffed, Jenny said, “He’s not a boy, Jason, he’s a man, and he doesn’t need you to plan his life for him. Besides, he may not be any more eager to take on a wife than his bro… than other men his age who still want to sow their wild oats,” she corrected.

  “Seth and I don’t share the same past. He has no reason to avoid marriage,” Jason countered her remark.

  Jenny flushed with anger and humiliation. Anger with herself for continuing to dig into a past he wanted left buried, and humiliation at her lack of pride that allowed her to keep digging. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but maybe Seth needs to get out from under the shadow of Jason Colby and be his own man, and I’m not talking about the Jason Colby with the dark past. I’m talking about the man I married, who built a town out of nothing and takes care of the people in it like they matter, and who set his own needs aside to save a woman from rats, and who captured the heart of a little girl who will never know the kind of man he truly is.”

  Jason heaved a weary sigh. “Put him to rest, Jenny. The man you think I am doesn’t exist.”

  “He does until you prove me wrong, if you have the guts to do it,” Jenny said, the glint of challenge in her eyes, that spark of defiance he’d seen the day she’d offered him her wager over the Dusty. And it was almost his undoing. Moments like this made him glad to be in a crowded room. Had she made her challenge behind the closed doors of their bedrooms, he’d be tempted to take her mind off of digging into his past by being the man she wanted in her bed and making her forget everything except being a woman with a woman’s needs, which he’d thoroughly satisfy in ways she’d not soon forget.

  “You haven’t addressed my challenge,” she prodded.

  Her dare prompted a smile. “I was thinking how much I wanted to give you another memory to take back to Iowa, but it would tie you to me forever.”

  Jenny bit her bottom lip, drawing his attention to her mouth—another reminder. “You’d better not make threats like that, my love, or one of us might act on it.”

  If her rueful endearment was meant to temper his desire, it served instead to fan it to a white-hot glow. The desire to touch her was so strong he wasn’t certain he should stay in his bedroom tonight, with only a lockless door to keep them apart. “Maybe I should have a lock put on the door,” he said with candor.

  Jenny raised playful eyes to meet his. “On whose s
ide? Yours, or mine?”

  She was flirting with him, openly, unabashedly. He looked steadily at her. “Take your pick,” he said. “But you’d better be careful choosing which, Jenny, because you’re playing with fire now, and the stakes are high.”

  “Then maybe we should decide it with another shooting match. You once said we should try again when the stakes were higher, when my services would entail more than merely washing your clothes." Jenny's eyes moved down his torso and lingered, and there was no question where her thoughts were directed.

  “I also said you didn’t interest me in that way.” A smile tugged at his mouth. “I lied.”

  “I know. And I told you there was nothing that would entice me to offer you my favors." Jenny smiled a slow, seductive smile. “I also lied.”

  Jason took her hands and brought them to his lips, planting a kiss against each palm. “But you were talking about putting the Phantom mine at stake,” he said, raising his eyes to meet hers. “We’re talking about which side of the door to put a lock on.”

  “I’m your lawfully-wedded wife. The Phantom is already half mine, but only if I walk through that door and consummate our marriage. It seems, my love, that the stakes are still over the Phantom, and that makes them pretty high.”

  Jenny ran her tongue over her lips, leaving them moist and dewy, tempting Jason to take what she was offering in spite of the dangerously high stakes. He laced his fingers behind her waist. “The stakes are high on both sides,” he said. “I stand to lose half-interest in my richest mine. You stand to lose your daughter. I don’t think we need a lock at all, do you?” Words he’d vowed never to say slipped out because the stakes were so high.

  The fire in Jenny's eyes died, replaced by wariness. She backed out of his arms, and her voice trembled, as she said, “Would you really take Lily from me?”

  Jason looked into wide, frightened eyes that cut right to his heart. Still, he needed to convince her not to tie her untainted soul to his dark one. “At the moment I don’t foresee doing that,” he said, fighting the urge to tell her there was no chance in hell he’d take Lily from her. But knowing he had to keep that seed of doubt planted in her mind in order to maintain a barrier between them, he added, “But could you afford to take that chance?”

  Jenny raised her chin a notch, and that little spark of defiance came back into her eyes, a bittersweet reminder of how it could be if life hadn’t turned on him years before. “You’re right,” she said. “There is no need to put a lock on the door. Like I said, there’s nothing that could entice me to offer you my favors, and this time I’m dead serious.”

  She turned and walked away from him, and Jason knew she’d stand by their bargain because this time he had raised the stakes too high.

  The thought that he would remain a husband to her in name only left a painful ache in his chest, like a great fissure opening in his heart.

  ***

  Sarah wore a bridal gown she’d brought with her, and Will wore new buckskins and a top hat. After the wedding they moved into one of the bungalows Jason promised, and to look at them, one would have thought they’d been childhood sweethearts, their love came so naturally. So Jenny was completely taken aback when, just over a week later, Sarah came knocking on her door. “Can we talk, you being a married woman and all?” she said to Jenny, while nervously fidgeting with the ties of her handbag.

  Jenny looked at Sarah’s distraught face and suspected she was disenchanted with the marital act. She’d rushed into marriage unprepared for the intimate side of things, and Will might not have been as sensitive as she’d expected, especially when it came to a young bride’s expectations of modesty. Jenny put her arm around Sarah. “Sit down and we’ll try to sort things out,” she said, to the anxious young woman.

  Jenny sat on the bed, and Sarah sat beside her, eyes focused on her hands as she said, “It’s about what married folks do when they’re in bed.”

  “I suspected as much,” Jenny said. “It’s not so bad after you get used to it, but it takes time. Men can be very insensitive along those lines.”

  “Oh that’s not the problem,” Sarah said. “It’s just that... well... I was brought up to be a lady and there are certain things a lady doesn’t do, or at least shouldn’t want to do." She blushed profusely. "And the things married people do... It’s just that... I never felt anything to compare with it and I swoon and carry on and forget all about being a lady.” She fixed worried eyes on Jenny. “Is that wrong? I mean... When you’re with Mr. Colby, do you forget you’re a lady?”

  Jenny gave a nervous laugh. “It’s not what Mr. Colby and I do that matters,” she said, trying to dismiss the gaping void in her own marriage. “What matters is you keeping your man happy. Men are simple creatures. All you need to do is feed them, keep their house tidy and make them happy in bed." She let out a little chuckle. "And you need never be a lady there. In fact, you can be as wanton as you like. In return, he’ll love you, and protect you, and cherish you, and never be tempted to look at another woman.”

  Jenny glanced up and saw Jason standing in the doorway. She had no idea how long he’d been there, but from the look on his face, she knew he’d heard her last bit of advice to Sarah. ”I’d like to see Lily,” he said, waiting in the hallway for her response.

  Sarah looked at Jenny, puzzled. Jenny shrugged and said to her, by way of an explanation as to why her husband had to ask before entering the room to see his step-daughter, “It’s Lily’s nap time, but as you can hear, she’s not napping.” Cooing drifted from Lily’s room. “Go on in,” she said to Jason. “I know she’d like to see you.”

  The dark look on Jason’s face lifted as he strolled toward Lily’s room. “There’s my girl,” he said. His words were met by gleeful baby squeals and laughter.

  Jenny felt a stab of guilt that she’d restricted Jason’s visits with Lily to brief moments when others were present. And Lily had been as fussy and fretful as the last time Jenny kept Jason from her. But ever since Jason threatened to take Lily, she felt a need to sever the ties between them. If, in a weak moment, she allowed Jason into her bed—or she climbed into his—sealing their marriage in the eyes of the law, he might one day take Lily as his own, if only to fill the void he’d feel once they left for good.

  Sarah gave Jenny a rueful smile. “Now that I know what’s fittin’ for a wife, I’ll leave you to your husband.” She hugged Jenny and left.

  Jason emerged with Lily in his arms. At four-and-a half months, Lily held her head erect, and as Jason carried her into the room, she grabbed his mouth and he nibbled on her fingers while making growling noises, which drew from her bubbles of laughter. “The big bad wolf’s here to eat you up,” he said, nuzzling her tummy and eliciting a squeal. Then he turned her upside down and she laughed with glee.

  “You’d best not hold her like that,” Jenny said. “You’ll upset her stomach.”

  “Alright, sweet thing, we’ll do as Mama says.” Jason sat on the bed and put Lily on his lap. Lily patted his face, and said, “Dada.” Jason looked at Jenny, but instead of the joy they’d shared with Lily’s first laugh, he saw resentment with Lily's first word. “Mama’s peeved, princess," he said. "You might want to learn to say Mama next.”

  Jenny folded her arms. “Do you really think it’s wise to let her get so attached to you, since you won’t be a part of her life after we go?”

  “She’ll forget about me as soon as you leave,” Jason said, lifting Lily’s foot to where she could look at it. “Until then, I see no harm in her getting used to a man’s attention. Maybe someday you’ll find a good step-father for her.”

  Jenny stared at Jason unblinking, then saying nothing, turned toward the window. When Jason saw her covertly swipe a finger beneath each eye, he set Lily on the bed and walked up to stand behind Jenny. “Lily doesn’t know what she said. It was baby babble.”

  Her back to him, Jenny replied, “You really don’t get it, do you?”

  “Well, maybe not. Do you suppose you cou
ld help me out a little?”

  Jenny turned, tears glistening. “Do I mean nothing to you?”

  “You’re everything to me,” Jason said, “But we can’t be a family and you have to come to terms with it. I brought you here to get Lily away from rats and keep you from the likes of Jack Bishop. There were never any promises beyond that. Our marriage is a means of keeping you and Lily safe. There can’t be anything more.”

  “Do you think it matters to me what you did when you were young?" Jenny cried. " If you killed someone, you would have had a reason. If you got trapped into something you couldn’t get out of, it no longer matters. But you won’t talk, and I don’t know why.”

  “That’s the way it has to be.”

  Lily started fussing. “She needs to be fed.” Jenny picked her up and lowered herself into the rocker, but instead of opening her bodice to nurse, she looked up at Jason and said, “Please leave. I’d like some privacy.”

  Jason looked at her distraught face, so changed from the first time he’d found her sitting in the rocker, eyes closed, humming a little tune, Lily contentedly suckling at her breast. And that was the image he’d hold, not what he saw now. And all he could think was, he was the reason for her unhappiness, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Jason intercepted Jenny in the hallway. “Here’s a copy of the report your husband received on the Dusty before he bought it.”

  When he handed the document to Jenny, her eyes fixed on a deep cut on his arm. She took his hand and moved his arm close so she could examine the gash. “When did this happen?” she asked, studying a gaping wound that had only just begun to heal.

  “A few days ago," he replied. "It’s nothing"

  “This isn’t nothing, Jason. It’s very deep, and it should have been stitched.” She looked up at him. “Why didn’t you come to me for that?”

  He looked steadily at her. “The last time you stitched me up I was filled with whiskey and smelling lemon balm and doing things you didn’t try to stop, and I damned near took you as my wife the way I want to. I’m still not sure I didn’t.”