“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Don’t play games with me Lucia, it’s too late for that. Now answer me and don’t you dare lie to me, I’m not in the mood.”
“Why do you want to know? So you can laugh at me?” She was fucking serious.
That really got me to stop and look at her. What an odd thing to say. “Why would you think that?” This didn’t sound like her usual monotone and there was something off about her come to think of it. She seemed, almost defeated. Something I’d never seen her be before.
She turned and started walking again and for a minute there I didn’t think she was going to answer me. I was ready to bully her into answering when she finally spoke.
“I had a visitor last night. Someone who had the decency to tell me the truth.”
“What, what visitor?”
“It doesn’t matter.” We were in a little copse of trees hidden from sight and I stopped and turned to her again.
“It matters to me, now tell me what you’re talking about. Who visited you?” Her words weren’t making any sense, but what’s new. I had to shake her to get her to answer and when she did I was left lost for words.
“Your mother’s personal assistant. She couldn’t even bring herself to do her own dirty work so she sent her lackey. Or maybe it was your idea.”
“Lucia, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Would you please explain.” I was starting to get a bad feeling in the pit of my gut but I needed her to say the words.
“She’s been spying on us, on me. Your mother put her up to it. She saw us, yesterday. I tried telling her that it didn’t matter. After what you said I’d made up my mind to leave, even though I was still stupid enough to doubt my decision. But after she showed up it just made me see that that was the best decision all around.”
“What did she say?” I was pissed beyond words. How had I not known this was going on right under my nose? I’d been so careful not to show my hand. To always be circumspect where she was concerned. I thought I’d done a good job of hiding my feelings from everyone, but I forgot that my mother knew me so well.
6
“She said that your mother was very displeased with my behavior. That I was making a fool of myself running after you. A man who is way out of my league.” I listened to her, to the hurt in her voice and wanted to smash my fist into something.
“Go on.” I’m sure there was more to it. That wouldn’t have sent my girl running, she’s more the type to spit in the enemy’s eye than tuck tail and run. “Tell me all of it Lucia.” I turned her face up to mine so she could read the seriousness there.
I’d been so busy with my own worries I hadn’t seen that I’d left her unprotected. I never once suspected that my own mother would spy on me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. There was a lot at stake here. Things that my mother puts a lot of stock in.
She would see any entanglement with someone she deems beneath her as a blemish on the family name. Things like love and passion aren’t very high on her list. She’s more into duty and holding up the old family name.
“She said that if I didn’t leave she’d sack my parents. Just throw them out on the street. I can’t let her do that.”
“And what’s this about me laughing at you. Where did that come from?” She clammed up but all it took was me pulling her body close to mine and wrapping my arms around her, holding her captive.
“She said that that’s all I would ever be good for. A passing fling for you to distract yourself with before you marry the little princess. She said that men like you have been playing with girls like me for centuries, and that all I could ever be to you is something for you to laugh about with your friends.”
“That’s total bullshit. I can’t believe you fell for that shit. And by the way, you, are my little princess, the only one.” I could see those words stymied her as was evident by the open mouthed look she gave me. I was a little surprised by them myself but it was the truth. I’ve never felt this tender towards anyone else in my life.
“Close your mouth love, you’ll catch flies.” I’d planned on spending the day with her here, but this called for immediate action. “Come, I’m taking you home.” I took her hand and led her out of the stand of trees, headed back the way we came.
“Listen, I have some things to take care of so I might be gone for a little bit. Don’t you go running off anywhere, if I have to come after you again it won’t be pretty. Understood?”
For once she wasn’t quick with a comeback, just nodded her head and let me lead her back to the Rover. I didn’t say anything more to her as we drove back to the estate, but holding her hand seemed to be enough to give her comfort. At least one of us was. I was mad as fuck but hid it well. I won’t take this out on her, better I save it for the one who deserved it.
I can’t believe it had come to this. That she thought she had the right. And to send someone else to do it, that was a fucking slap in the face, not only to me, but to Lucia. She’d sent a young girl running towards hell, but I doubt she’d even care.
As mad as I am at my mother and her meddling shit, I was madder at myself for not protecting Lucia. This is just the kind of shit I was trying to spare her from. The fact that my mother sent her fucking servant to confront my woman didn’t sit too well and she would’ve known that I wouldn’t react well to that.
So what had she intended? That I’d never find out? Was her plan to get rid of her before I had a chance to see her again? The thought of her being lost to me, of her out there in the world somewhere where I couldn’t see her, hear her; feel her.
Not only that, but had she left she would’ve done so not only thinking that I regretted what happened between us, but also believing that she meant nothing more to me than a fuck. It was enough to make me want to throttle my own mother.
No matter, by end of day I’ll have taken care of this shit once and for all. I should thank my mother for making this shit easy. She knows better than to pull the lion’s tail. Now she’d forced my hand and what little give I had in me was now gone. If she was devious enough to try to destroy the woman I love, then she can damn well deal with the consequences.
I took her back to the cottage she shared with her parents, not bothering to hide as we pulled up outside. I went around and let her down, took her hand and walked her to the door. “I’ll be back for you later. Do not open this door to anyone until I get back and for fuck sake don’t listen to anything anyone has to say.”
I kissed her defiantly just in case anyone was watching before turning and walking away. I pulled out of her driveway but instead of going next door I headed back into town. I called Helen on the way and told her I needed to see her. As usual she sounded pleased, but there was no real excitement in her voice at the prospect.
Had I really been willing to spend my life like this? Married to a woman who only saw marriage as a duty? I suppose it’s hard to expect someone who’s always been sheltered from the real world to act any differently.
Like me she’d been raised to believe in a certain way of doing things. I guess it’s due to my time in the marines that I see things a lot differently these days. Where I’d learned that the world was about more than wealth and prestige, she was still steeped in that old world bullshit.
Nothing wrong with afternoon tea parties and balls. Yes those things still do exist. As well as lady days at the races here and abroad. My mother still goes to Ascot for heavens sake. And though I still admire some of the old pastimes of eras gone by, I have no tolerance for the snobbery my so called peers live by.
Those social walls have been tumbling down for decades now, what with intermarriage and new money. But there were still some diehards, like my mother who would fight to death to keep the status quo.
I pulled up outside Helen’s family home. It wasn’t unusual for people our age to still live on the family estate until we were married off. Helen was a social butterfly who worked for her family’s corporation as their charity liaison.
I put thoughts of her away as I made my way to the door. The butler answered and led me into the study where she was waiting for me. I saw as soon as I walked into the room that she was expecting to talk wedding.
There were magazines and scraps of material spread out on the table and if that wasn’t enough, the smile on her face said she thought I had finally come to officially ask for her hand in marriage.
“What a lovely surprise.” She gave me her cheek for a kiss which I gave before moving away quickly. It wasn’t so much that I was uncomfortable as much as it was my hatred for what I was about to do. Plus Lucia would have my balls if she saw that shit. She’s almost as possessive as I am.
Now that I was here, finally doing what I should’ve long ago, the deed was no easier to carry out. This day was going to end very badly for two people that I cared for. And how long have you been hurting Lucia’s poor little heart with your refusal to do the right thing? What you’ve always known was the right thing.
In trying not to hurt anyone, I’d only managed to hurt everyone. I see that now so clearly. It would never have worked between Helen and I, not after accepting my feelings for Lucia. I knew that all along, even when I fought it. What a fucking mess.
I paced the room while she called for tea, always the lady of the manor. I can’t imagine Lucia doing such a thing. She’d more likely challenge visitors to some kind of race or other show of prowess. Something my own mother would see as unladylike. But I see it as her free spirit. She’d never stand on ceremony, but will always do what brings the most joy; it’s one of the things I like best about her. The thought made me smile and helped ease the band across my chest.
I’d much rather that I be the only one to suffer here, but barring that, no matter what, she was not to be hurt. I’m not ashamed either to say, that I’d see them all suffer, before I let her have one more moment of pain.
I waited for the servant to bring the tea tray in and leave again before asking her to sit. “Why don’t you have a seat Helen?” I took a seat across from her on the couch while she sat on an armchair. It’s always been like that, only now did I notice these things where before they never mattered.
Except for that one night I’d slept with her to prove something to myself, we’ve always acted like nothing more than friends. There were no soft stolen touches between us, no special looks as you’d expect between lovers. Not like there is between Lucia and I. Shit, I can barely keep my hands off her even when I know it’s for the best. Before I’d let my eyes do the touching, but now I no longer have to. I just have to put this shit to rest once and for all and I will be free to have my woman in any way I choose.
There was no other way to do this, other than to get straight to the point and let the chips fall where they may. I expect tears and recriminations, I should be so lucky if that’s all I get. “There’s no easy way to say this. I know you’ve been waiting a long time but, I can’t marry you.”
Her look of surprise wasn’t feigned. It was safe to say she hadn’t seen that coming and I couldn’t help but wonder why. Why hadn’t she been the one to call this shit off long ago, when I kept evading and putting it off? Why had she put up with my obvious disinterest?
“I don’t understand. This is something we’ve both known was in our future since we were old enough to walk. I’ve spent the last ten years waiting for you…what’s going on?” There was no real hurt in her voice. She might as well be discussing a missed dinner date.
“You can’t really be that surprised Helen. I never pegged you for a fool. You have to have known. All those times I put off even talking about a wedding. Why do you think that was?” It was becoming very clear to me as the words left my mouth. Didn’t she have any feelings beyond making her mom and mine happy?
When the woman I love told me she was leaving I damn near lost my mind. This woman, who’s supposed to love me, want to spend the rest of her life with me, couldn’t even muster enough emotion to be pissed.
“I thought it had to do with the war and all that silliness. I never thought you wouldn’t keep your word.” The anger was evident in her voice now. Good, I prefer anger to hurt. And I didn’t miss her comment about the war being silliness. Lucia rides my ass for every little detail, which I always refuse to give her.
She still shows a real interest, and can hold her own in a conversation based on what’s reported in the news. Helen acted like I was off playing toy soldiers or some shit. What was that she said about me breaking my word?
“I never gave my word now did I? If I’m guilty of anything it’s of just going along with the plans our mothers have made for us. But not once have I ever asked for your hand in marriage.” I’ll take the rap for a lot of things but not that.
“Is there someone else, is that it?” I played around with the idea of not telling her the truth. I knew that once I did she would blame Lucia and the fault was not hers. But on the other hand, it won’t be long before everyone knew where my affections lie so what was the point in keeping silent now?
“Yes, there is.” Now there was hurt, but I believe it stemmed more from losing something she thought was hers, than from any real feeling of love for me. If Lucia had ever told me there was someone else in her life I would’ve lost my shit. That’s how I know that the woman sitting across from me, bore me no real love.
“Who is she?” The hurt had been replaced by venom, and still I didn’t get the sense that any of it came from a place of love or even jealousy. How had I never seen this in her before? Or maybe I had and had just not cared enough. She had more the look of a spoilt little girl who wasn’t getting her way, than a woman who was losing the man she was in love with.
There was no point in hiding the truth from her. Something else everyone was going to be aware of before long was that Lucia is indeed my woman. The only one I will marry, ever. “It’s Lucia.” She didn’t seem as surprised as I’d expected and once again I realized I hadn’t been as careful as I’d thought.
“You’re fucking her, is that it? Is it so much better fucking the help than someone of your own class?” Whoa, where’s the lady with the finishing school manners? I don’t think I’ve ever heard her swear before. But now wasn’t the time to dwell on that shit. I didn’t want her believing that shit she’d just spouted. If she thought that, who knows what others would believe.
“I’ve never touched her.” She snorted in disbelief. Something else I’d never seen or expected from her. She left the teapot and moved over to the bar. What the fuck!
She gave me a look over her shoulder as she mixed a martini.
“You expect me to believe that? Anyone can see the little slut is hot for you. Always following you around like a little lost puppy.” I let her have that one because she was upset and I am the one at fault here for not manning the fuck up before now and putting an end to this farce. But I wasn’t going to allow her or anyone else to besmirch Lucia like that. The truth is she’s worth ten of all of them combined.
7
She took a sip of the cold drink before taking her seat again. “So, how did she seduce you?”
“Believe what you will it’s the truth nonetheless. Lucia and I are not lovers…not yet anyway.”
I wasn’t about to discuss my time with Lucia with her or anyone else. It was none of their business. I realized for the first time just how protective I am of her, of us, our… whatever you call what we have.
“Pull the other one Ethan, everyone knows your proclivities when it comes to the opposite sex.”
“That’s precisely why I never touched her. I have too much respect for her.” Wrong fucking thing to say Ethan. I saw the truth of that written plainly across her face. I’d hurt her when I hadn’t meant
to. Fuck!
“Oh I see, so when you took me to bed it was only to show your lack of respect for me?” She stood to leave the room and I could’ve kicked my own ass for my careless words. What’s with me and doing that shit anyway? For someone who’s accustomed to handling sensitive shit I sure do stick my foot in it a lot when it comes to these women.
“Helen I didn’t mean that. You know I would never treat you so shabbily. I just meant to say that… it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can’t marry you. I can’t marry anyone else but her.” There was no point in telling her that when it came to Lucia I wanted only what was best for her. That taking her to my bed while I was still entangled with someone else would’ve gone against everything I am.
“I suppose you can have her as your mistress for a time. But there’s no reason to call everything off because you have a silly attraction for the girl.” She took another sip of her cocktail and I wondered if I’d fallen down the rabbit hole. I wouldn’t even address that shit she’d just said. All I could think was thank fuck I’d dodged that bullet.
She went on to give me all the reasons why we should go through with the farce of a wedding and I let her have her say because I believed I owed her at least that much.
But her every word only convinced me that I had made the right choice. After knowing Lucia, I wanted no part of the cold, loveless existence she was now describing. And to think I’d almost lost it because I was worried about hurting her. She seemed only to care about position and my added wealth, which makes hers look like a pauper’s.
“Look, you’re fighting a losing battle here. The truth is neither one of us made this choice. Our mothers cooked up this idea before we were old enough to choose for ourselves.” She turned back to the room and I felt like less of a bastard.
When Worlds Collide Page 4