Forever Love

by Chelsea Landon

  I fall asleep at some point. When I wake up we’re in Jackie’s driveway and Macy has her arms wrapped around Jackie.

  I make my way over to them, my hood pulled up over my head. I stand near Landon when he asks, “So, what happened?”

  “She almost overdosed on Vicodin.” There’s a pain to my heart right then knowing I take that shit daily. I also know where I get it and think maybe, that might be where Alexa got it. Maybe. “She just kept saying she wanted the pain to go away and be able to sleep without thinking of Steven.”

  My heart hurts the more she talks.

  I know that feeling.

  I know what it’s like to just want to sleep without thinking.

  “Is she okay?” Landon asks.

  Jackie nods. “You guys should go see her.”

  Macy gives Jackie one more hug. “Thank you for calling us. We’re going to go check on her.”

  I look to Landon as Macy walks toward the truck. “Can I come with you guys?”

  He nods and offers me a wink, his way of trying to tell me it will be okay.

  I’m not so sure. Nothing feels like it’s going to be right again. Between Cash and me fighting, and now Alexa, and now looming silence when I look at Macy, everything feels wrong.

  It’s been a year since I’ve seen Alexa around campus and now, when I step foot inside the hospital room, I wished I would have made more of an effort. She looks awful. Skin and bones, her face pale but cheeks flushed from the tears. I know that sadness but in reality, I have absolutely no idea. I haven’t lost what she lost. And what I have lost is my own fault.

  Landon and Macy are downstairs getting something to eat in the cafeteria. Macy already went in there. Landon refused to. He hasn’t faced Alexa since the day of the funeral when we left that football field.

  I kiss her cheeks and sit beside the hospital bed with her my hands holding hers. “I’m so sorry.” I tell her, crying.

  She says nothing at first. Embarrassed maybe but as the minutes pass, she realizes that I’m still her friend. I’m that same girl who used to braid her hair and stay up all night with her when she wanted to talk like the night she lost her virginity to Steven.

  “What are you doing here?” It seems like a silly question but Alexa asks it nonetheless.

  Why wouldn’t I be here for her?

  And then I think, it’s obvious over the years why it seems strange for me to be here. I’ve never reached out to her. Never. Not since prom.

  “I wanted to be here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  She looks out the window.

  “Are you okay?”

  That’s a dumb question, Madison. She just tried to kill herself. Of course she’s not okay.

  “Am I what?” Her eyes don’t move from the window watching the snow fall.

  “Okay?”

  “I’m tired of hearing that.”

  “I bet you are.”

  “You didn’t have to come.” She says, fidgeting with her IV, and then looks at me. I feel her pain right then. “And you look like shit, Madison.”

  The corner of my mouth curves as I try to comb the knots in my hair with my fingers. “I know.”

  “Tell me something, Madison.” She pauses and catches my stare. “Why do you do what you’re doing? Why do you want to forget?”

  I shrug. There’s no answer good enough for her.

  “I wanted to forget. I want out of this pain. When I close my eyes, I see him and that’s all I wanted was to close my eyes for a little while.” Alexa admits. “But my body won’t let me. My heart died a while ago but my body… it’s hanging on. I have a reason. What do you have?”

  She’s right. She’s absolutely right.

  Alexa turns back to the window. “They have me on a twenty-four hour suicide watch. Do something before this is you.”

  I tried to put myself in Alexa’s shoes. Losing Steven. It’s not the first time I’ve done this either. I do it a lot. Try to imagine the life I’m wasting.

  How would I have felt if I would have lost Cash?

  I would have been like I am now. In reality, I’ve lost him. Not by accident either. I had the chance to change it and didn’t.

  “Where did you get the Vicodin?” I ask her.

  Only she avoids my question. I know exactly where she got the pills.

  Alexa seems to know exactly where my mind was going and that it’s on Cash. “What are you doing, Madison? He’s alive. You’re alive. And he loves you. So much. But you’re constantly breaking his heart for no reason. If you don’t see a future with him, end it.”

  I know what she’s doing. It’s the same thing everyone does. They want me to see what I’ve done to Cash. Like I don’t know. Like I don’t hold myself responsible for that night, and now what I’ve done to the boy who would never leave my side.

  I fucking know it.

  It’s why I avoid it.

  But…

  This could be me right now. This right here. This girl in this bed on a twenty-four hour suicide watch all because she was swimming with a memory she couldn’t drown.

  Was she trying to make me see that?

  Yeah. She was.

  “I don’t want to blame you for what happened that night. But I do.” Her eyes hold truth. “I blame you and I blame Landon.”

  “You should.”

  She watches me carefully pushing her red hair from her face and then drops her hand to her lap. “Don’t do what I do. Don’t give up on him, or you. It’s not worth it.”

  December 6, 2013

  When we get to Canby, I stay away from where I know the girls are. At the hospital. I want to see Alexa but I can’t be around Madison right now. There’s no way. So I stay back at Steven’s house with his mom, Jackie. It’s been since last summer since I’d seen her.

  “What happened?”

  She’s referring to my appearance. “Hmmm. Well, I met a drug dealer, threw a chair through a window and this,” I point to the stitches above my eye, “that’s where Landon shoved my head into a locker.”

  I figured she’d get mad.

  So I thought.

  Instead she starts laughing. “And I hear you guys just secured a bowl game?”

  “Yep.” I nod. “December thirtieth we play the Texas Longhorns in San Antonio.”

  “And Heisman Trophy contender too?”

  I smile. She knows everything. Jackie was always that mom at every game keeping track of all of our stats for us.

  We start talking about Alexa, she knows I haven’t seen her yet. “What did she take?”

  “The doctor said they found Vicodin in her system and alcohol.” Jackie gives me a pained expression. "I went to Steven’s grave to talk to him and found her. If I hadn’t, she would have died.”

  “Do you know where she got the Vicodin from?”

  Jackie shrugs. “I’m not sure. She said some guy at school.”

  Some guy? My jaw clenches.

  I know who that some guy is but I can’t tell Jackie that right now. That’s the last thing we need to get into.

  After some small talk, she looks at me. “You should have seen it coming.” Jackie says. “She’s barely hanging on, just like Madison and Landon. You and Macy are the strong ones. You have to show them the light or they’re just blinded. They’ll cover their eyes. But you, you can’t shine without a little darkness.”

  Jackie is wise beyond her years. Steven had that. What she’s telling me, the looks I’m getting, they’re all Steven.

  I won’t sit here and tell you that it hasn’t crossed my mind that Madison would kill herself. It has. She could easily be Alexa right now and that scares me more than it should.

  “You need to be there for her.”

  “For Lex?”

  Jackie tips her head. “Her too. But I’m talking about Madison.” He face twists in what looks like pain. “She looks awful, Cash. She looks worse than Alexa.”

  I know that. I’ve seen it.

  Madison looks like hell these da
ys and it’s part of the reason I can’t look at her.

  I can’t because it’s been a downward spiral that I watched on the sidelines, like a fan at one of our games, and I did nothing about it.

  That hurts.

  I want to say fuck Madison but I’ll never say that around Jackie. And there’s still the issue of despite everything she’s put me through, I still love her damaged heart and her tortured soul.

  There’s no way around that for me.

  So I don’t say anything.

  “I know you two haven’t had the easiest relationship but if you love her, and I know you do, say something before it’s too late.”

  Too late?

  Just thinking that possibility isn’t easy.

  I feel the stab as the words hit my heart and I imagine it for a moment. What would I do if she did overdose?

  I would… die. There’s no way around that. I can’t live in a world that she’s not part of.

  I’m at Jackie’s house for another hour looking through old photo albums of Steven over the years that she shows me every time I’m over there. It’s hard to see but it makes her feel better and if that’s what she needs from me, to do this each time, then I can be that little bit of solace for her. It’s the least I can do.

  I head back to my dad’s house around the block. He’s remarried now. I was six when my mom died in a car accident. I don’t remember much about her but I remember how she smelled. Like cookies.

  Sometimes when I walk into my childhood home, the house he built with her, I still smell those cookies and smile like she’s there.

  Dad married Julia about five years ago but she’s been around since I was eleven. I really like her but I’ve never been able to call her mom. I just can’t. It seems weird to me to call someone mom who’s not really your mother.

  As soon as I’m inside the house I go up to my room and set my bag on my bed. It looks the same as it did when I left it in August. I usually spend the summers here for a short time and work with my dad. He owns his own accounting firm and though I’m not good with that shit, it’s a summer job and gives me some extra money.

  I open my bag and pull out a couple hoodies and jeans. I throw my Ducks hoodie on and then find my gray hat I like with the lime green Oregon logo on it.

  As I stand there in my room and watch the sky turn lighter knowing the snow is on the way, I hear heavy breathing and the drooling of my favorite little monster. I smile when I feel the tug on my jeans and reach down to pick her up.

  “How’s my girl doing?”

  Bentley smiles at me reaching for my hat. She says something but who knows what that might be. It’s more of the baby noise I can’t understand just yet. Sadly, I don’t get to see my ten-month-old little sister very often. It’s a relief that she remembers me though.

  “How are you, pretty girl? Keeping out of trouble?”

  I don’t expect her to talk but she starts saying something and acting like I should know. I hear a knock and Julia appears at my door. She smiles taking in the sight of us. “She misses you when you’re gone.”

  I set Bentley down on my bed and sit beside her. She goes through my entire bag digging out clothes and the football I have in there. “I thought she would forget me.”

  “She’ll never forget you, Cash.” Julia sits down beside Bentley. “Every Saturday afternoon she’s glued to our television.”

  “He watches my games?” Julia knows who I’m referring to.

  “He never misses one.”

  I don’t know why but it surprises me that my dad watches my games. He wanted me to play for LSU or even Florida State. Never for the Ducks. Wasn’t even on his radar. He didn’t think I’d get the attention I needed to go pro playing for Oregon. It wasn’t about going pro for me it was about being with my friends. I almost let the scholarship go after the accident but I was committed at that point and I never back out of a promise.

  I went because Steven would have wanted me to go.

  I think Julia can see how tired I am and what the last month has done to me. “Are you okay? I heard about Alexa.”

  Looking down at Bentley, she’s handing me a hat so I take off the one I have on and put the one she gives me on top of my head, all the while she’s giggling like we are sharing a secret between just the two of us. She does this two more times before I answer Julia, it’s my way of stalling. I’m not okay.

  “No… it’s just been a rough month.”

  “I can tell.”

  I’ve never given Julia the credit she deserves. I’m curious as to how she even puts up with my father but she’s a good woman and I know I’ve never given her a chance to be a mother to me, though she’s been a better parental figure than my dad has been over the years.

  I don’t do much that day. I know I should be over at Jackie’s or checking on Alexa but I also know that if I go over there Madison and Landon will be there and I can’t do that just yet.

  Instead I watch TV with Bentley and get introduced to her favorite show. Bubble Guppies.

  Just being with her all day lifts the ease in my chest. I feel guilty the whole time. The reason I came back was for Alexa and I hadn’t done that.

  December 7, 2013

  “Are you seeing Macy?” Julia asks when Macy leaves that morning. She came into my room while I was sleeping and crashed the sleeping in party I intended to have.

  “No… she just needed a friend.”

  She did need a friend. This whole thing hasn’t been easy on any of us and Macy feels so much. She can’t help but feel too much at times. I also had to apologize to her after the night I got in a fight with Jay. I was a dick to Macy and that wasn’t cool. She did nothing wrong.

  My phone vibrates in my jeans. I pull it out and look down at the message. It’s from Macy telling me they’re releasing Alexa from the hospital and to meet them at Jackie’s house.

  I don’t like that.

  I don’t want to see Madison or Landon but I know I have to.

  I tuck my phone back in my pocket and smile down at Bentley before leaving. I give Julia a hug before grabbing my wallet and keys and head down the street to Jackie’s house.

  They still live in the same house they did when we grew up. They remodeled it a few years back but on the outside it’s mostly the same. Every time I pull up to it I think Steven’s going to come out with those bright eyes and goofy smile.

  Josh, one of Steven’s three older brothers, comes outside when he sees my truck pull up. He looks and acts just like Steven. It’s bittersweet to see yet helps me remember my friend.

  “Hey, man, nice game against Washington.”

  I hit the button to my alarm and lock my truck and then glance over to see Landon’s truck parked in the driveway. It makes my stomach knot but I push that aside and smile at Josh. “Thanks. You catch the game?”

  He nods walking with me to the door. We step up on the porch, his hand reaches over and pats my back. “I did. It was strange to see you fumble the ball.”

  He had to mention that.

  Ass.

  I laugh it off but I don’t like that he had to point that out. Sets my mood off for the night.

  I don’t say much more because when I get inside the house I see Alexa laying into Landon. At first it’s surprising because I would have thought that she would be weak from recovering. Here she just took enough Vicodin the other day, enough to kill a horse, and now she’s fine.

  Physically.

  Mentally, I would say she’s far from that. They had put her on a twenty-four hour mandatory suicide watch and then allowed her to go home after that.

  I’m betting Landon wishes they would have kept her longer. It’s almost entertaining to watch.

  Almost.

  Looking at Landon, it’s clear that nothing Alexa says to him right then can make it any worse. He’s already been so hard on himself that he doesn’t know the difference.

  Alexa shoves him, her tiny fists connecting with his chest. “Just because you’re fucked up,�
� she then motions to Madison who’s standing against the wall next to Macy, “or she’s fucked up, doesn’t mean we’re not, you selfish bastard. I’m tired of seeing you two like this! It doesn’t mean that Cash and Macy aren’t dying inside either. We’re all fucked up forever.”

  That statement washes over all of us. I feel it. It needed to be said and finally, someone did, and it took an act of desperation like attempting suicide to bring this to a head.

  Landon looks at me. Only me. And then walks out. I know where he’s going. Finally.

  I give Landon a couple hours. I sit and talk with Alexa in the other room and never look in Madison’s direction. I can’t.

  I give my attention to Alexa and hold her while she cries against my chest. I don’t say anything right now because I think saying anything at this point isn’t what she wants. She’s having a hard enough time facing reality without Steven. She doesn’t need another “I’m sorry.” What she needs is her friends reunited so we can help each other heal.

  What she needs most was buried three years ago but maybe the broken pieces of us all can reconnect to form one whole. Who knows, all I know is that what we have going on right now is most definitely not working.

  So I hold her like I did that night. Just hold her. Somehow that seems to be what she needs at this moment.

  It’s nearing sunset when I leave Alexa at Jackie’s house. Never once did I look at Madison. It wasn’t easy. When I get to the cemetery, it’s quiet. There’s no one there and it’s a relief. I don’t want to see anyone. It’s clear by the jersey laying on the headstone that Landon’s finally been here. For once I’m proud of him.

  I’ve been to Steven’s grave about ten times since he died. Mostly after big games. We talk a lot. Well, I do, but if he was here, I imagine him talking to me. He would. I tell him about the Civil War game and how close it was. I tell him about Alexa and that I’m going to keep a better eye on her.

  I had no idea she’d dropped out of school six months ago. If I hadn’t been so caught up with everything else, I would have noticed. I would have been there for her if she needed me.