Forever Love

  “Are you seeing her?” I have no right to know this but I ask anyway.

  Another bitter laugh, but this time he takes a nervous drink of his beer. “I didn’t even finish. You disappeared behind that door and I left and threw up in the bushes like a fucking pussy.”

  We’re quiet, and then he’s demanding answers all of a sudden.

  “I want you to say something.” His voice carries drawing my eyes to his, only he won’t give me the chance to look at him, really look at him. “I want you to tell me why? Why wasn’t I good enough?”

  “It was never that you weren’t good enough, Cash. It was that… I don’t know.” I don’t have an answer for him. At least not one that makes sense. He deserves so much better and I can’t even begin to describe the ways I’m not good enough for Cash. Still, I’m here, hoping he might see past that.

  “Why did you do it?” He asks, holding back emotion he doesn’t want me to see, or I don’t deserve to see anymore. I’ve ruined what we had and I know that. “What made them better than me?” He doesn’t look at me when he speaks and I’m glad he doesn’t because I can’t take his blue eyes staring back at me, demanding to know the truth. He has every right to demand the truth from me.

  It takes me a minute to reply and he hands me a beer, which surprises me but I take it anyway because he’s offering. My stare is on the field that captures our innocence and holds it captive. It’s buried deep under those white lines and green grass. Right now, in this moment, I miss Canby and this place and the feeling it gave me. Fresh cut grass, bloody knuckles and dirt soaked knees, blue eyes that promise in the backseat, a crowd roaring with anticipation of what the Kings of this school gave us. A small town hanging on these boys of Fall. It’s the chill of the night huddled in our hoodies with Bryant, Hayes, and Griffin last names plastered over them. Proud as we were, we never thought that feeling would be lost forever.

  Nothing lasts forever.

  Now what was I left with?

  A pain so deep I didn’t think I deserved anything but this remorse, this despondency, this bloody fucking misery. I’m left with feeling like I won’t make it one hour let alone one day. I’ve done that to myself.

  I’ve done that to him.

  “It hurts to look at you, Cash.” I finally say, still staring at those painted white lines on bright green now peppered with a light snow cover. “You blind me.” My head hangs at my admittance, the beer in my hand evident I haven’t changed much. “So I drink. And I get high. And I hope that I don’t see that light anymore. I see darkness and there’s so much of it I think that I live in it. I do drugs, I get so lit there’s no way back down because when I’m down there, it’s so cold. It’s unbearably lonely. It’s where I should be.”

  “You broke me.” He says. “You’ve constantly given me hope where there’s nothing. You did that.”

  “I know.”

  “When did you first fuck Jay for drugs?”

  I know exactly what he’s referring to.

  “Freshman year…”

  Cash nods, and looks the other way shaking his head. He takes a moment and when he speaks again, I know just how badly it’s hurting to ask this right now. His voice breaks right along with another piece of his heart. “Who else?”

  “I don’t really remember.”

  He considers that for a minute. “From my team then?”

  I don’t blame him for wanting to know this but it’s hard because I know it’s going to hurt him to hear this.

  “Jet and Colton. Maybe others.”

  He turns his head and looks over at me. “You’re the reason Jet broke up with Chrissy, aren’t you?”

  “I’ve destroyed a lot of people, Cash.” My voice is as dejected as it should be. “I’m not proud of it.”

  “And Landon?”

  “I never had sex with Landon.”

  “But you wanted to?” His eyes fall away.

  “No.” I shake my head immediately.

  “Have you ever wanted to?”

  I think about it, for a moment and then give him an honest answer. “The high me has wanted to. The normal me? No. Never.” He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look my way. But then I’m curious. “Have you?”

  “Have I what?”

  “Had sex with anyone else besides Bethany?”

  He stares at me and my heart beats faster anticipating his answer. “No. I tried. I wasn’t lying when I said I was a broken piece of shit. I’ve tried so many times and I can’t.”

  “And Macy?”

  He shook his head. “No.” His answer was immediate which makes me feel better.

  “Landon said that you she sent you a text that made him think you were together.”

  “It was a joke. She wanted to send a text to Landon that said she missed his dick. So I said I wished someone would send me one like that. So she did.”

  I laugh though it’s not loud, because that’s exactly the shit drunk Cash would find entertaining. I should have known Macy would never go for Cash anyway. She’s better than stooping as low as I did.

  Cash sniffs and takes another drink of his beer before standing. He takes the bottle in his right hand and then sends it flying toward the trash can at the end of the bleachers the sound of glass hitting metal echoes around us. His eyes stay on the field as he stands, higher than me in so many ways. The sight of him looking over the field takes my breath away. He deserves to be out there with the lights of the field shining down on him.

  “So you couldn’t face me, and turned to them?” He speaks as if he’s speaking to no one in particular as he stares at the field.

  “Not exactly. I was avoiding you. So I turned to them. I turned to anything that would make me forget. But I could never turn away completely. You were always there, giving me hope, giving me the last sliver of light I had.”

  We’re silent again, the only sound is our breathing mixing with the steady snowfall. I’d forgotten how quiet it was out here at night.

  “Cash… I miss you.” I tell him again, wondering what he’s going to say next. I’ve hurt him so much that I know nothing will ever be the same between us. I’ve wrecked this beyond repair but he needs to know how I feel. “Can we… ” I can’t even say it, his presence is too much.

  He sighs and sits back down beside me and this time our shoulders touch. Reaching forward he grabs another beer from the six-pack. He offers me another but I shake my head. It’s pounding so bad I can barely see.

  “I wish I could say that I don’t miss you.” He says, bringing the beer to his lips taking a slow drink. Turning his head, his eyes travel the length of my body, taking in what he clearly does miss. “But I do. I can’t go back to what we were, Madison. And I’m sorry but I can’t be friends either. It’s all or nothing with me. If you give me a moment, I’m wanting a minute. If you give me a day, I’m gonna want a decade.”

  “So what does that mean?” The pain I feel right now is unreal. Withdrawals have nothing on this feeling.

  “It means…” he pauses, he doesn’t want to say it. But he does, and it burns like the acid of my tears falling. “If I can’t have all of you, even the broken parts, the forever dark parts, I can’t do it.”

  “So that means what?”

  He says nothing.

  “I can’t even think without you.” I shake my head bringing my hands to my face, my fingers to my lips. “I feel like I’m trying to fill this hole and it’s not an option. I can’t make myself not love you. I’ve tried.” I tell him through tears I can’t seem to control right now. My nerves rail, my mind reels as I yell, “I’ve tried!”

  At the tone of my voice, he lifts his head searching for truth in my words. “And so have I!” He gasps and struggling with emotions raging through him. “I’ve tried to not love you. I’ve tried to hate you. And there was a time when I thought I did.” Cash looks at me, his eyes searching mine. With what he’s met with, he sees it. He knows. “You need to get some help. Give it a legitimate try. Make an effort for yoursel
f.”

  “And then what?”

  He’s caught off guard a little by my instant reply. “And then…” he pauses and stares at the field for a while, leaving me hanging. “I can’t even begin to explain the way I hurt for you. It’s something that never goes away. It’s here in my gut, deep, it’s just so fucking overwhelming for me. I think of what you’ve done to yourself and everyone around you, and it makes me sick to know what you did. It hurts to know you’re killing yourself. I was right there. For three fucking years I was at your feet waiting for you to see I would do anything for you. Anything.”

  I nod because forgiveness from a guy like Cash is earned. It’s something I might never have.

  “I know.”

  He knows that’s not what I want to hear and my tears break his control a little. “I don’t know, Mad.” He shakes his head, tears falling, biting his shaking thumb nail, and I see just how hard this has been on him. Three years. Three fucking years I’ve ripped his heart out over and over again and now I expect him to let me do it again?

  It’s not fair.

  It’s anything but right. I can’t do this to him anymore. I can’t do it to anyone.

  So I stand, the movement slow and shaky, much like my mind.

  “I’m sorry.” The words seem inadequate but I say them anyway. “I’m so fucking sorry I’ve done this to you.” I sob into my hands and turn away. I can’t take it. I can’t do this to him anymore.

  I’m a foot away when I hear the scrape of his shoes on the metal bleachers as they squeak and he’s grabbing me by the waist. I’m pulled into his hard embrace. I turn, wrapping my arms around his neck and bury my head in his neck and hoodie.

  It’s that smell.

  The one I miss so fucking much.

  The one I’d die for just to smell the rest of my life.

  It’s Cash.

  When Steven died, I was sure that pain, that guilt would be something that would hurt worse than anything I’d ever experienced. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. I knew that someday, somehow there would be a pain worse than that.

  This.

  Him.

  This forever we’ve let slip through our fingers because of me.

  This pain is so much worse because we did this.

  We let this happen. It wasn’t an accident.

  My body shakes as I cry in his arms. At some point, I don’t even know how long I’ve been crying but I know why. I’m crying for him, for Steven, for Alexa, for Macy, Landon, and me. I’m crying because life handed us something we couldn’t handle and took forever away. I don’t like how I handled it or what I did to everyone around me. That’s on me and I finally see it.

  Cash moves slightly, his arms tightening around me like he’s never going to let go and he buries his head in my neck. I feel the wetness hit my neck and it makes me cry harder when his lips find my heated skin. Though it’s barely thirty degrees out here, he’s the only warmth I need and want.

  It’s the first time in weeks that I’ve felt him this close. It’s almost too much. I gasp and tremble. It’s a natural reaction to have between us. When we’re close, our bodies take over. I know he’s crying and trying to hide that by kissing me. His hands move from my hips to cradle my face. I shut my eyes with the anticipation of his mouth on mine.

  There’s no hesitation.

  None at all as he brings his wet lips to mine.

  It’s urgent and passionate and everything Cash is to me.

  He gasps when he slides his tongue against mine, barely able to breathe but still he can’t stop himself from feeling. Our kisses answer nothing. We shouldn’t be doing this but when you feel too much, it’s only natural. My knees shift on the metal and I raise myself from his lap just slightly, his hands drop from my face, to my hips, he doesn’t want me moving. Grazing up my hoodie under my tank top to the bare skin he hasn’t felt in a while. He moans against my lips and pushes me down on his lap. I slide down his hard erection straining in his jeans. A wave of pleasure shoots through me, this time I moan.

  What are we doing?

  It’s wrong and we both know it because this isn’t the answer. It’s a fucking Band-Aid and we know it.

  Just as I question this, Cash moves his left hand to the button of his jeans and gets them undone. Then he’s working on mine. Is he planning on having sex out here?

  I can feel my tears running down my cheeks and mixing with our kisses. Frustration shakes him, takes his need and sends it flying. He rocks my hips against his and he moves his own grunting when it’s not enough. Pushing me down harder, he’s grinding himself into me like he doesn’t care where this is taking us. He doesn’t care that it’s snowing now, or that this isn’t that answer. He does this a few more times and I know if he keeps it up, I can come like this. It’d be so easy with the friction of our jeans. Suddenly I’m back to these very same bleachers when we were fourteen.

  “Cash…” I moaned against his lips.

  “Hold on, baby.” He said, panting, moving his lips to my neck and into my shoulder as I straddled him. He’s in his football pants and I’m in a tiny pair of cotton shorts. Neither one of us know anything about what we’re doing, just that it feels good to be this way.

  “That feels so good.” I arched my back and rocked against his pelvis feeling his erection.

  Cash threw his head back, the sunlight catching the sweat over his flushed cheeks from practice. His shirt was off, his stomach muscles flexing as moves me on top of him. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

  “I love you…” I whisper against his lips, summer heat surrounding me.

  The memories flood my mind and I start to cry harder at what I’ve let go. No matter what happens, I’ve destroyed parts of him that will never heal on their own.

  He pulls away, panting and gasping for breath and trying to gather himself but he’s crying so hard he can barely get the word out. “Goddamn it, Madison. Fuck! Why do you do this to me! WHY? I told myself to never let you affect me this way again and now look at us, you start crying and I try to fix it. Only I try to have sex with you! Can’t you see how badly you’ve fucked me up?”

  I don’t have an answer because he’s not seeing that I’m the same way. I’ve tried to leave him alone. I want to. I need to. He needs something better but I can’t. He draws me in and holds me captive in ways only he can.

  We’re frozen in time here.

  We always are around each other.

  I’ve seen heartache, I’ve seen death, I’ve been high, stoned out of my mind, drunk on my ass to the point I can’t function. I’ve seen love, I’ve been in love. But there’s never a moment more consuming than the ones I have when I’m looking at these bloodshot eyes and see the promises I’ve destroyed.

  “What do you want to hear, Cash?” I sob pushing away. “That I’m fucked up? That I have a drug problem? That I go through a bottle of vodka in a week sometimes? That I fuck my drug dealer so he gives me more? Do you want to hear I’ve gone through a gram of coke in a week sometimes or what I do to get it? Is that what you want to hear?”

  He doesn’t want to hear any of that. In fact, is sets him off.

  “Don’t you see… you’re fucking struggling, Madison!” His posture turns violent and shaking, consumed in thoughts he can’t control. “So I’m struggling. And you turned to Landon, or Jay, or Colton. Never me. Why not me? Goddamn it,” His palm hits the bleachers in annoyance, “WHY?”

  “Because!” I shout turning away but then I face him because he needs to see this. “I never wanted you to see how bad it had gotten. I thought that if you saw that side you’d want nothing to do with me.”

  His eyes penetrate mine with honesty. “That’s not true. I would have been there for you.”

  I feel like he’s going to say more, yell more, scream, but he doesn’t and his breathing evens out. He sighs.

  Nothing.

  I wait.

  He’s trying to help me now. It’s in his nature even if he doesn’t want to care. “You know, it was never
your actions that gave you away and told me what was going on. It was your eyes. They were drowning that night. I watched you when the paramedics took Steven away as we sat there on the street. It was as if that night, that moment took away the light in them. And I haven’t seen it since.”

  It takes me a minute, and then I give him some truth he’s deserved for years. I look at the snow as I talk to him. “I was nine years old when I knew my life would never be the same. I knew, I just knew when I opened that little note that said check yes or no, that I would never be far from you. I can’t tell you why I did what I did. All I know is that while I wanted to be dead, wanted to trade places with Steven, you were what kept me alive. Just when I was drowning completely, you were the breath I needed at three AM.”

  The thing was, I was never alone in all this. I had Cash. All I had to do was look for him.

  His brow scrunches as he speaks. “Don’t you see though, this is so much worse than watching Steven die. With him it was instant. I knew when I saw him, when I lifted up his shirt there was no saving him. With you, it’s been years of this shit. You fucked around on me. You used me. But I let you. Now this,” he gestures to my appearance. “It’s sickening to see you this sick and I feel like I let it happen.”

  “It’s not like that, Cash.” I’m trying to make him feel better.

  “It is like that. And you’re not entirely to blame for that. All you had to do was look my way and I followed.”

  I start crying again. And I don’t want to. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be able to stop.

  He stands and reaches out to cup my cheek, but somehow, I know this is a goodbye for now. Not a goodbye forever. I feel it in the warmth of his touch and the way his eyes soften when he looks at me.

  “Madison, you have to believe. You have to want to believe there’s good in this world. When you do, maybe then you can love yourself enough to give that love to someone else.”

  He hesitates for a half a second and then walks away. When he’s at the end of the bleachers and standing on the snow covered grass, he gives me one last look and smiles.

  He smiles.