Forever Love

It’s not forced. It’s just him.

  I know that being happy shouldn’t be so hard.

  It’s supposed to be easy, falling for forever and living inside someone else.

  Then life happens and the ugly creeps in to suffocate you. It’s like a crack in a windshield. At first it’s just a chip and then over time it spreads across the entire windshield. Before you know it you’re looking through the cracks just to see. You know they’re there and you see them every day. There’s no hope for them just magically disappearing no matter how hard you try to look around them. If anything, they’re a reminder the crack was there to begin with. A weakness.

  But if you replace that windshield, are those cracks gone forever?

  I don’t think they are.

  I have cracks down deep in my soul that I know will always be there.

  I walk back to my parent’s house. My tears haven’t stopped by the time I get there and I pray everyone is asleep so I don’t have to face anyone.

  When I sneak through the back door, my dad is up, sitting at the kitchen table staring at a glass of water and a magazine I was sure wasn’t holding his attention.

  He’s waiting for me.

  I want to pretend I don’t see him, walk right past him, but he doesn’t allow it.

  “Did you talk to him?”

  “Who?” I stop in front of him and sit across from him.

  “Cash. He called to make sure you made it home.”

  The corners of my mouth twitch into a small smile as I wipe my face free of tears. “Yeah.”

  Dad nods and then gives me that look. The one all fathers get right before they’re about to give you some advice in the form of a life lesson. He gestures to me with a wave of his hand. “Where do you get the money to maintain this habit?”

  My heart pounds, I get defensive. “Why does it matter?”

  He doesn’t like that. “I won’t keep paying your tuition and have you waste away the education on drugs.”

  I know what made me think no one back home wouldn’t notice. At school, it’s less shocking. Here, my parents haven’t seen me since the beginning of September. My appearance has a little more of the shock and awe effect, I suppose.

  Dad stands from the kitchen table and rubs my back. “I love you, Madison. Very much.” His lips press to my forehead. “Don’t forget how many people do.”

  I haven’t. Sometimes that’s the problem.

  When my head hits my pillow that night, my eyes drift closed. Maybe it’s that I’ve gotten a little off my chest, or that I’m finally being honest with myself that I have a problem. Whatever it is, sleep comes for a little while.

  December 8, 2013

  When I wake up Sunday morning, I’m staring at the picture of me and Macy I had on my nightstand. It’s the night before Steven died. Beside it is one of Cash and I after the game while we were on the field. He’s sweat-soaked and all smiles. And so am I.

  I can’t remember the last time I smiled like that. I want to go back to those moments in these pictures.

  “You have to want to believe there’s good in this world.”

  My eyes shift to the one of Macy and me again. I want to believe we can fix that too.

  I’m not sure how to talk to Macy. Maybe that’s been my problem all along. Deciding how to say you’re sorry is that easy. She’s my twin so you’d think it would be easy for me. Despite knowing everything about her, I’m having trouble even knowing how to start this conversation. It’s two words that really need to be said but just the words mean nothing if they’re not followed by something more.

  When I show up at Jackie’s house that morning with Alexa, I know Macy is in there. I find her in the kitchen with Jackie making cookies.

  Alexa pushes me forward. “Here’s your chance to fix this. Don’t let this go. She needs you too.”

  I stand in the hallway. Macy hasn’t said a word to me, but something in the way she’s watching me lets me know that she feels this too. It’s time.

  I nod outside wanting to give Jackie a moment alone with Alexa. I’m also hoping that maybe that nod might open the door to our conversation that needs to happen.

  It’s cold when we step outside, a breeze picks up when we step on the porch. We sit down on the front steps, the concrete colder than the air. My chest feels heavy, my skin burns and I know I need something, but I’m resisting. I have no drugs left on me and I don’t plan on getting anymore. I can’t. For him and for her but mostly, me.

  When I look out at the grass the light dusting of snow shines and sparkles under the sunlight that creeps through the clouds.

  I’m still not sure what to say after five minutes, so I start simple. “I’m sorry.”

  Macy draws in a deep breath, her arms wrapped around her waist. “I know you are, Madison.”

  “I’m sorry that I chose him that night and broke your trust.”

  She says nothing.

  Three minutes go by before we speak again, this time it’s Macy drawing me in to her words. “I hate what you’ve done to yourself. I hate that Steven’s gone and that Alexa wants to be. I hate that you’re slowly killing yourself. But mostly,” she pauses and waits for my eyes to find hers. When they do, we’re both crying. “I hate that I’m letting you do it.”

  I reach for her, wanting her warmth to comfort the pain that is shaking my soul right now. I’m crying so hard my entire body trembles next to hers. I know what she means. Ignoring a problem is just as bad as creating one. We’ve all ignored it in our own way and caused the problem to grow even bigger than it was before.

  “Can you forgive me?” I ask, my face buried in her hair as I hold myself against her.

  Macy pulls back and cups my cheeks. “I’m going to try. You need me.” She gestures to my appearance. They all do. “I can’t stand seeing you like this. I need you, Madison. I need you to get better. I need you off the drugs.”

  I’ve never been so relieved to hear those words.

  I also know we have so much more to talk about and there are things that need to be said. Right now.

  Macy knows that too. “I hate that you turned to Landon. And I don’t want to hate anymore. I’m exhausted.”

  “He was just there, Macy.” I pull away from her completely but keep my body turned toward hers. “Haven’t you ever been curious… about Cash?”

  Her eyes are distant, her cheeks flush and I know she has been. “Yes,” she admits. “I have.”

  “And?”

  “I would never act on it.” She sounds defensive.

  “But you thought about it…”

  She nods. “Yes.” And then it dawns on her what I meant. “I suppose the reason I didn’t act on it is because Cash is different. Cash wouldn’t ever let anything happen.” She frowns. “Landon on the other hand acts before he thinks.”

  “He loves you, Macy. Only you.” Her chin shakes when I say those words, like she doesn’t quite believe them but wants to.

  She knows that but the past is sometimes hard to forget and actions harder to forgive.

  Though nothing lasts forever, I’m beginning to understand I had that chance, a memory, a moment to begin with.

  Some don’t even get that.

  December 8, 2013

  Things change quickly sometimes. They say in the blink of an eye. I believe that.

  I’ve experienced that.

  Never did I think that five days ago I would be in a car with Landon and Madison and not want to knock their heads together.

  Now here I sit with all of them on our way to the beach.

  Steven’s parents still have that house on Cannon Beach they bought when we were kids. I’m not sure why but they gave us the keys this weekend and told us to go there.

  I fall asleep on the way there, on Alexa’s shoulder, Madison on the other side of her. When we pull into the pebble stone driveway, we all sit there waiting to get out but none of us make the move.

  Alexa pushes on my forehead and laughs. “You drooled all over my shirt, Cash.�
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  I squeeze my eyes shut and try to wake up when I hear laughter from the front seat. “I don’t understand. He drools so much.” Macy says, and then catches herself. I doubt anyone knows I slept in her bed once. She looks to Landon and then Madison feeling like she should explain. “He was drunk one night and I didn’t know what to do with him so he slept on my bed. Fully clothed.” And then she giggles. “Well, I was fully clothed, he had no pants on. And he peed on my plant.” She’s talking and getting herself in deeper and I can’t stop laughing.

  I’m laughing so hard my shoulders are shaking and I can barely breathe. Neither can Alexa and Madison, only Landon is just shaking his head, but grinning.

  “Never mind.” Macy sighs and gets out of the car stomping off toward the house with two bags of groceries.

  December 9, 2013

  It’s entertaining to me watching Macy get all riled up. It’s like picking on your kid sister. I make my way back to the kitchen where Macy is. She’s in there already making some hamburger patties for later.

  “What are you doing?”

  She rolls her eyes. “What does it look like?”

  I watch. She’s mutilating that meat. “Looks to me like you’re handling meat.”

  She wants to laugh. The corners of her mouth twitch up. “You’re such—”

  “A child?”

  “Yes.” She points at me with her hamburger covered hand. I cringe because the idea of raw meat repulses me. “Where were you when I was talking in the car? You could have helped me out. I sounded like a fucking idiot.”

  I shrug. “It was funny. Seriously though, I came in here for a reason. I’ve got an idea.”

  “Oh no.” She laughs, relaxing a little. “Are you going to show me your penis again?”

  “No. Shut up.” I push her shoulder lightly and then smile, gesturing towards my penis. “Unless you want to.”

  “No.” Macy crosses her arms over her chest after washing her hands, but can’t keep the smile from her face.

  “Alright, so you’re always saying you want to do something that you’d never have the guts to do, right?”

  She knows me too well. “Within reason, Cash.” Macy reaches for the bowl of meat, wraps some plastic wrap on it and then places it in the fridge.

  “Don’t be a pussy.” I glare because she’s not even considering my plan.

  “Shut up…” she rolls her eyes but she wants to know. Her hands fidget with her cell phone and then she glances up at me, still waiting for her to come to her senses. “Fine.” Again, she rolls her eyes. “What’s your plan?”

  I’m pretty proud of myself as I say the next part. “Sing the national anthem at the bowl game.”

  “What?!” her eyes bug out.

  “You heard me. I talked to Coach last week about it and he said it could be arranged.”

  She wasn’t even considering it. “I can’t do that.” Macy shakes her head starting to walk away. She gets to the sliding glass door and watches Madison and Landon walking with Alexa. Landon has his arm around her, holding her close to his side.

  I stand next to her, my hands buried in the pockets of my jeans. “You have an amazing voice, Macy. You can do it. And Landon would have no idea.” I give a tilt of my head out the window. “Imagine his face when he sees you come out center field.”

  She does, for a moment and I sense my victory.

  “See.” I wrap my arm around her. “I’m a genius.”

  Another eye roll before she reaches for the door to join them on the beach. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

  I chase after her only to have her start running from me. “Give me hope at least!” I yell. “I’m proud of myself!”

  The cool air hits me as I run down the beach and catch up with everyone. Macy is smiling when I knock her ass on the ground for running from me. Landon tackles me for doing so.

  When he’s off me, we’re laughing and teasing each other, giving each other shit about it being a weak hit. It feels good. It feels like old times. I’m not even sure how either. You spend years building up this wall and it’s strange that by one weekend, it can crumble.

  We’re all standing around on the beach, an easiness in the air when Alexa comes up to Landon and me. It’s clear they’ve been talking since the night she yelled at him but it’s none of my business and I won’t ask about it.

  “Let’s build a fire.” Alexa says, when I put my arm around her.

  I pull her into my side, hugging her. “Great idea.” I pretend to limp. “But have Landon get the wood. My leg hurts.”

  Landon, who’s taking off his shirt and hauling Macy over his shoulder, laughs and grabs his junk. “I got wood alright.”

  Alexa rolls her eyes. “It’s like he’s still seventeen mentally.”

  “Oh, believe me.” Macy says, her breath labored since her belly is pressed into his shoulder. “He’s definitely still seventeen.”

  Madison shakes her head and tosses a log on the fire pit. “Mentally he’s more like four.”

  When we’re by that fire, music playing, we’re fairly quiet. None of us feel the need to fill the silence with words. The Griffins’ friends who live next door stop by and make conversation with us. The fire cracks, draws my eyes near it. That’s when I see Madison, the lights flickering on her face and I want to hold her like I used to.

  She looks like she’s barely holding on here but there’s a light there I can’t ignore. A hope for more.

  When she sees me, she smiles. I nod up the beach and she smiles again, so I stand and reach for her hand. When we start walking, our hands drift apart and I bury mine in the pocket of my jeans.

  I don’t know where any of this will take us and I know I said I can’t be her friend. All or nothing, right?

  But I just… I have these memories of this girl and I can’t forget them. I hold them deep inside like someday maybe I might see that girl again.

  I still see her now. She’s right here beside me. Though she may be struggling, she’s there and fighting for herself. Finally.

  It’s weird to think that the last time we were on this beach, we were holding hands and in love. Now I’m not sure what this is.

  I know I love her.

  I know that I want to hold her hand and never let go.

  I want to feel the warmth of her touch and never see the darkness that’s surrounded us for so long.

  The sun’s setting to our right as we walk down the beach. The wind picks up and Madison tries to control her hair but it doesn’t work. She laughs when it slaps me in the face.

  It’s her laugh that gives me a beat right then.

  A hopeful one because I can’t remember the last time I heard it.

  I stop when I hear the sound and she looks back at me.

  She smiles.

  December 10, 2013

  I tried to get help my sophomore year of college when I knew the road I was heading down. I showed up to therapy sessions drunk just to get through them. That’s when I knew I wasn’t ready.

  I attempted rehab once. Checked myself right back out three days later. I tried to get away from it, just stop doing all drugs and not drink at all. Then I’d wake up sweating and feeling like my skin was peeling off. For a while I didn’t think I would ever be able to do it. Now it’s been four days and I haven’t had anything but that beer with Cash.

  So what changed?

  What makes this time different?

  This beach. These people. They make the difference.

  I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. But if I don’t get help, who’s to say there will be a tomorrow.

  Landon looks at me, his eyes so sad I feel their pain. “I told my dad I got kicked off the team.”

  “How’d he take it?”

  Landon shrugs. “Surprisingly well.”

  “We gotta get sober.”

  He nods, his eyes on his footsteps as his bare feet sink into the cold sand. Water hits my feet and I feel like I’m sinking a little. “I know.”

 
; “You know… or we’re gonna try?”

  “We’re going to try.” He looks over at me, watching my reaction as he says the next part. “You need to stay away from Jay. You know he gave those pills to Alexa and Macy. And he’s asking about Cash. I can’t… I hate seeing you like this and I don’t want to see something happen to him either.”

  My stomach knots when I look over at Cash standing beside Alexa and Macy, laughing with them.

  “I know.”

  “You know… or you’ll try?”

  “I’m going to. There’s no trying about it. I have to…” I gesture towards them and toward Alexa now standing knee deep in the water looking up at the sky. “If not for them, for me.”

  I wonder what she’s thinking right now. Can she see him? Does she feel like he’s with her?

  Landon sighs putting his arm around me. “I feel like he’s with us, here. Like he made us all come together.”

  My eyes find the sky. I want this. I feel like now, I finally want this.

  We miss you, Steven.

  Later that night I find myself on the beach walking with Cash. Something I would have never thought three days ago would happen. And now it feels like it used to feel.

  His shoulder bumps mine every so often, light touches but I feel the warmth radiating from me. I laugh when my hair keeps hitting him in the face. “I forgot how windy it gets here.

  Eventually Cash puts his arm around me, his body relaxed but I can tell this isn’t an arm around me where he thinks we’re together. He’s just here right now.

  For me.

  For us.

  For all of us.

  I’ve heard people say you choose who you fall in love with. I don’t necessarily believe that. You fall, and you fall hard, sometimes for the wrong person and everything you do to make it work is just that. You lie to yourself that you’re okay, when you know you’re not.

  Then there are things that go right, parts that feel so natural you wonder what the hell the problem even is.

  That’s love right?

  “Is it too late for us?” I ask, killing the silence when we’re a half-mile from the fire pit near the rocks we used to play hide and seek behind.