Forever Love

  I nod and attempt to get up. Madison grabs my hand, it’s a life line for us. “It’s alright, Madison.” It’s a lie. Nothing will ever be the same.

  One moment changes everything.

  One day can ruin forever.

  That one day changed us forever.

  Three Years Later

  September 18, 2013

  A game.

  The quarterback has a lot of choices and choices that are made on the field are rarely perfect.

  So he decides which play to pick ‘cause he wants to make another touchdown. He wants to put the points on the board for the fans to see.

  But when he makes that call to run the play he thinks is best, he will no longer have control over the outcome.

  Those decisions will be made for him.

  He will be part of something bigger than himself.

  He will be relying on ten other players who have eaten, slept and breathed these plays for weeks. The team knows the plays better than their own dicks. Cash is amazing with the way he sees the whole field and fits the ball into tight quarters. He's got a strong accurate arm, can get himself out of trouble, and has mobility and rare poise for a kid who's only seventeen. I've never seen him lose his head on the field. Ever. And I doubt I ever will.

  Then, the snap is called and everything is set in motion.

  I take off sprinting down the field, outrunning my defender.

  Everything is quiet. I hear nothing but my own breathing.

  In the end zone, I turn at just the right second, and the ball lands perfectly in my hands.

  I look down to my hands and smile. We did it again. We won another game making us state champions.

  Cash comes running towards me as I throw the ball to the ref knowing damn well I’m going home with the game winning ball tonight. He leaps and I catch him mid-air, “We fucking did it again. We fucking did it, Landon!”

  “Landon, man,” Colton kicks my hand that is hanging over the bed. “Your fucking alarm has been going off for twenty minutes.”

  I glance over to Colton pulling on a pair of sweat pants, “Let’s go, man. We’re going to be late to strength training and if you’re late again Coach...” He stops talking midsentence.

  Coach would bench my ass if I show up late again he doesn’t need to remind me.

  Jumping from the comfort of my bed and into reality I grab a pair of sweats off the floor and pull them on. Colton Myers is one of our tackles for the Oregon Ducks. He’s a cocky asshole but we get along well enough. Not like we really have a choice since we live together. He thinks we share a mutual hate for Cash but he couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ll never tell him that though, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

  “Let’s go.” I say pulling a t-shirt over my head. It smells like sweat and dirt but I don’t have time to find something clean. I really need to fucking do my laundry.

  Twenty minutes later we meet up with the rest of the team in the state-of-the-art gym thanks to our proud sponsors. This is not exactly what I feel like doing this morning with a hangover but whatever. I’ll just sweat the alcohol out of my system and be ready to do it all over again tonight. It’s what I always do.

  Colton spots me, he’s rambling on about meeting up with some girl tonight, I’m not really paying attention to him. I rarely do. My attention is on the burn in my arms, it’s keeping the voices in my head quiet, at least for now. I hate those damn voices.

  “Are you going out with that girl again from the other night? What the hell was her name again?” Declan Collins, another of our tackles, asks.

  Colton looks around before answering him, “Madison.”

  The mention of Madison’s name catches my interest. I don’t stop pumping the weights up and down but I do listen. What the hell is Madison doing with a guy like Colton?

  Declan nods, “That’s right but wait…isn’t that Cash’s girl?”

  Jet pipes up from the bench next to mine, “Who fucking cares, the girl fucks like an animal,” he throws his head back groaning, “and she sucks dick like you wouldn’t believe.”

  I squeeze the bar a little tighter my knuckles turning white. Colton and Jet bump fists and laugh. I want to say something, I should say something but I don’t. Cash isn’t my concern anymore.

  Everyone knows that Madison is screwing around behind Cash’s back but he either doesn’t seem to care or he hasn’t figured it out yet. Honestly, I think it’s that he’s avoiding reality. I know if I was in his shoes I’d be avoiding reality too. He was planning on proposing to her the night we won the state championship in high school. Until…

  Saylor, who’s watching us in the mirror pipes up. “You guys need to be careful. Cash is right over there.”

  Colton gives him a disgusted look. “Who the fuck cares man? He’s a tool.”

  Saylor laughs setting down the weights then turns to walk towards us. He’s a big guy, probably close to 250 and 6’4”. Removing his hat he runs his hands over his dark hair and then replaces it. “Yeah, Colton, he’s a tool that just so happened to save that game for us last week where you were tripping over your feet every other play and Jet here couldn’t make a catch to save his life.”

  I want to laugh. I really do but I don’t. Instead I just keep lifting.

  “So set us straight then.” Jet pushes Saylor’s wide shoulder. “Is he just that dumb that his girl is fucking around and he doesn’t know?”

  “I don’t know, man.” Saylor’s not giving up the details on his boy and I respect that about him. “That’s not my business.”

  “Well, give us something here.” Colton says. They’re like a bunch of fucking girls. “Are they still fucking around with each other? I never see them together. I never see him with anyone. Dude’s probably gay.”

  Saylor rolls his eyes and sits down at the bench beside me. “He’s not gay, assholes. He probably gets more pussy than the both of you combined. And he leaves at least once a week at three AM and I know for a fact he ain’t going to the gym. He’s with Madison.”

  Jet and Colton don’t seem to give a shit and that doesn’t surprise me in the least. Madison is fucked up and this is what she is doing to cope.

  I need to get the hell away from this conversation. I don’t need any more drama in my life. I create enough of it myself. With shaking arms I give one last push up and place the bar in the rack and lock it in place.

  I reach for my water and towel, I shouldn’t say anything, but I do, I just can’t hold back. They don’t seem to understand that Cash and Madison have a long history. I smile at Jet and Colton. “What’s entertaining is that you two act like she actually gives a shit about you, much less remembers your dicks the next day. She never will.” Is all I say before I walk away not even giving them a second glance.

  There is one treadmill open in the long row of them, its right next to Cash. I need the exercise. I need the exhaustion so I step up on the machine. I place my water bottle in the holder and my towel on the hand railing. I feel Cash’s eyes on me so I turn my head in his direction. He stares coldly at me for a second before pushing the stop button and getting off the machine.

  Nice.

  We haven’t spoken in years. At least not off the field. I dig into my pocket and pull out my iPod and earbuds. Finding a fast, heavy song I crank it up and then turn the treadmill up as fast as it will go. I should start out slow but I don’t. I need to run the hell away from Cash, Macy, Madison, that night, everything. The voices keep following me though, no matter how fast I run, they are faster and louder than the music I use to drown them out.

  After my afternoon practice I meet up with Jay Lucas in the quad just after nightfall. It’s a secluded part, dark and off the walkways so no one can see. Jay’s the drug dealer I’ve been buying from since freshman year. Jay is a tall lanky guy covered in tattoos from head to toe. He has these eyes that look right through you like you aren’t worth the same air he breathes. Jay is not someone you ever want to double cross.

  Jay gree
ts me with a nod, never meeting my eyes. Our greetings are minimal, less is always better, especially with him. “You got my stuff?”

  Jay reaches into his pocket and pulls out the dime bag. It’s only enough for one joint. I can’t risk being caught with more on school grounds.

  I slap the money in his hand and with my free one I take my weed. Jay and I give a curt nod and he’s off until he gets another text from me.

  I put the weed in the front pocket of my jeans and turn and head for my truck. I drive over to the stadium parking in the furthest spot in the lot and cut the engine. Campus Police know my truck since this is my usual parking place so they leave me alone. It doesn’t take me long before I have the joint in my hand, taking the first puff and hold it in my lungs for as long as I can. Once I feel the burning, I slowly let it out as smoke fills the cab of my truck. I reach over and turn up the radio, the beats of “Am I Wrong” by Nico & Vinz flow through the speakers. I laugh, the song title fitting the setting.

  Yeah, I am wrong but so fucking what.

  Reaching under the seat I pull out my bottle of whiskey. Unscrewing the top I put it to my lips and take a swig. The voices in my head quiet with every passing minute. Short lived, but I’ll take the solitude however the fuck I can get it.

  I don’t hear Alexa screaming, “Steven!”

  I don’t hear Macy saying, “Did you have sex with my sister?”

  And I don’t hear Cash saying. “We will never be bros again.”

  At least I don’t hear these things until tomorrow compliments of this bottle and this joint.

  As I sit there with my head against the seat, I think of Macy. It’s where I should be right now instead of here, trying to numb pain that’s overwhelming me. I miss my girl. Well, she’s not really my girl. I’m not sure what we are anymore and most days I don’t care. I think that’s why I almost fucked Madison that night at prom. Madison is different in everything else but she looks like Macy. She doesn’t make me try to feel anything like Macy does. Madison and I share the same blame for that night and Macy doesn’t understand that. She can’t relate to what it feels like to kill your best friend. I shouldn’t have been hanging out of the sunroof, I shouldn’t have been smoking and carrying on. I wouldn’t have caused the accident.

  “Goodies” by Ciara comes on the radio and the rush of memories hits me right in the fucking stomach and I’m tossed back to the night of senior prom.

  Why am I here? I don’t belong here.

  Those people made me sick. Look at them. Nothing fazed them. I hated how everyone was so happy and content with their lives. You know those houses with the shingles all messed up on the roofs with the gutters dangling, barely hanging on, with the cracked windows, and the summer grass up to your knees? While just down the street are those houses with the perfectly landscaped yards, freshly painted houses and expensive cars parked in the driveways? I was that roof on the forgotten house down the street. I was those broken shingles. I was that cracked window. I was that puddle that formed from the gutter hanging from the house. I was drowning, while she was that beautiful rose blooming down the street.

  Macy’s eyes went wide. It’s the song that was playing on the radio that night. I held her close to me when really I wanted to get the fuck out of here. All I heard was Alexa screaming and Macy and Madison crying. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Madison run from the room. I looked around. Cash was talking with Coach Mitchel. He either was not paying attention to the music, which was nearly impossible or he’s chosen to tune it out as the memories of that night plague him as well.

  Macy leaned back and looked up to me with tears in her eyes, “Landon,” she took a shuddering breath. “Do you hear it?”

  Goosebumps broke out across my body, she remembered that exact second of the night that changed our lives forever. She pictured the dark, visualized the scene of the accident.

  “I’ll be back.” I told Macy, not looking her in the eyes. I couldn’t, I was barely holding on right then and I knew if I looked at her and saw the pain I knew was there I’d lose it.

  I think I knew where Madison had gone when she ran from the room; she was looking for an escape just like I was. After I checked some classrooms I came across the janitor’s closet.

  I knocked on the door and after a few seconds it opened and Madison was before me. The pungent smell from the weed she was smoking invaded my senses. Smoke floated between us, the constant ache seemed to fade just a little. It’ll never go completely away but it seemed manageable when I was drunk and high. Madison and I shared a bond that others didn’t. Or maybe it was guilt we shared that we simply confused as a bond? They didn’t cause the accident. We did.

  The only way I could survive day- to-day was to smoke, to drink, the sounds away.

  The bass of the hip-hop song pumped in the background. I smiled at Madison as I pushed off from the wall. Finally, everything was quiet and all I heard was the sound of our breathing. I swayed at first, I was drunk, numb. I twisted around and started dancing, shaking my ass to the beat of the music and chuckled. I was working it, doing the butterfly and all kinds of crazy shit. I fell backwards against the brooms when I tried to spin around once more. Madison laughed so hard she snorted. It was exactly what I was trying to do.

  I stepped forward. My left hand reached out to touch Madison’s hips as she moved and brought her against me. She wasn’t mine to touch, but I did anyway, testing a boundary that should never be tested. I touched because it was what I wanted right then. Fuck everything but that. I knew what I was doing when I leaned in. She did too. You can’t tell me we didn’t know and have me believe you.

  My mind faded, it was like looking through fog, trying to breathe in the thickest of smoke and see through the darkest of nights. I didn’t want to see right now. I wanted to be blind. Lock me in that broken down house; make me lie on the floor. Make me cold. Make me anything but alive to feel.

  When I blinked, it was Macy with me and then it just as quickly fades back to Madison. I could have stopped right then and nothing would have changed. It was just a kiss. But what did I want? What did she want?

  Madison gave me what I was looking for, the peace and quiet. She’d let me lie on that floor. She didn’t asking for anything in return. Just let me take what I wanted in the moment.

  Everything seemed different. It wasn’t the normal sweet tasting kiss. The high and alcohol was really messing with me. I wondered if Madison felt it too. My tongue moved against hers. I grunted, pushed her small delicate body against the wall.

  She groaned and pushed down against my leg harder. I gripped her ass in my hands, and raised her up so her legs were spread. Pressing forward, my erection dug into her. The newness, the anticipation, all of it sent a jolt through my body, a shiver I felt run down my spine. One I hadn’t felt in a while. We both gasped, her hands flew to my chest tugging at my tie and white dress shirt. I helped her out, my lips never breaking from hers.

  “I have a condom… ” I whispered, gasping for breath.

  Please don’t tell me to stop.

  Don’t.

  She didn’t say a word, her body started to shake. My hands fumbled to find the condom in my pocket but there wasn’t much hesitation on my part. She wasn’t stopping me either.

  Some rationality hit me then.

  Fuck. Stop, Landon. Don’t. Think of Macy. Think of Cash.

  My body wouldn’t listen. I wanted this. A way to cope. A way to forget for a second. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to feel something and I was sure this was the answer.

  Madison’s body shook against me. “Landon…” she pushed against my shoulders. I didn’t stop. Instead I pressed against her harder trying to make her see.

  There was a click in the distance; my head turned as I looked over my shoulder and stepped away.

  Alexa.

  Fuck!

  I was soaring and then quickly faded. I was extraordinarily wrecked beyond forever. I crashed in the darkest of darks. I lost the only little bit of lig
ht I had left.

  Wrecked.

  Destroyed.

  Shattered.

  “Goddamn it!” I punched the wall and quickly pulled my pants up to go after Alexa. Madison followed behind me.

  We ruined everything that was barely holding up.

  We stepped out of the closet and came face-t0-face with Alexa, Cash and Macy.

  “I NEVER want to see you again, Madison!” Macy’s voice echoed through the hallway.

  My eyes meet with Macy’s when the severity of what we’d done had set in. I’d broken her, what was left anyway. The tears streamed down her face, I did that. I put those tears in her eyes again. I thought that was the last straw with us. How much more could I break her, screw her life up? I looked down, my shirt was ripped and my tie was gone. My head went to my hands, I fucked up royally. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to forget for just a little bit. I saw that just those few minutes might have caused me to lose my forever, my light.

  I looked to Cash, he was shaking his head. He blinked and stared at me. I hated the look he gave me. I touched his girl. His. Not mine.

  Madison, who was standing beside me, took a deep breath; I could feel the trembling of her body from even a foot away. “We need to talk, Macy.”

  “No. Actually, we don’t need to talk because we’ve done nothing but talk these past four months yet nothing has changed. Nothing!”

  Madison’s eyes flickered to Cash’s before she looked back to Macy. “I know, and I’m sorry! I know that I hurt you and I hate myself. Just tell me what I need to do. How can I fix this?”

  “You can’t! You can’t fix anything you’ve done!”

  I slid down the wall, brought my knees up to my chest and dropped my head. Everything around me fell apart. I shut down, it was the only way.

  I couldn’t deal any longer.

  I’ve ripped those gutters off that house. I tore the door off the hinges, broke the windows and set the grass on fire.

  She’s right. We can’t fix anything we’ve done. Macy forgave me after that night as if it never happened. In reality, she forgave me before it even happened. That’s just Macy though. She wasn’t ready to lose the only piece of us we had left. I should have ended things right then and there between us but I couldn’t. I’m a selfish asshole.