Forever Love

  Heather stands and adjusts her shirt, “Where’s Landon.”

  I look towards the door, “Cash talked to me.”

  “Alright, let’s go.”

  September 28, 2013

  I lost my shit after Cash shoved my shoulder. He was being a prick. Taking it out on Macy wasn’t right but I’m so fucking sick of everything and everybody. I just need an escape. I knew coming to this fucking party was going to be a mistake but I also knew I needed to talk to Macy. It’s not her fault that Cash and I don’t speak. It’s my fault, everything is always my fault. I’m the fuck up.

  I storm off outside needing to cool the hell down. Once the cool fall air hits me I take a deep breath and hold it for as long as I can. I do this two more times but by doing that it sends me in search of the weed I smell. My body craves it.

  “Hey, man.” Jack says to me when I walk over to him. He’s the campus stoner, everybody knows this. He’s the one who introduced me to Jay.

  I give a little nod in his direction as he offers me his joint. I take a hit and hold it in until my lungs start screaming. I let it out and take another hit doing the same thing before handing it back to him. My blood starts pumping slower, my lungs aren’t working overtime and my head starts to clear.

  Looking around I notice a few people staring in my direction, it should bother me but I don’t give a shit. People treat me like I’m a God around here all because I’m a starting wide receiver and I’m having a great fucking season on the team. I hate it. I know in the back of my mind I should worry about these people watching me get high because it could get back to Coach but at this point in time I don’t care. It’s this or beat the shit out of someone. I need this to take the edge off things until I can get home.

  Jack offers me another hit and I take it. I need it. I want it. I crave it.

  “You alright, man?” Jack asks taking it back from me again.

  I pat him on the shoulder, “Yeah, man. Thanks.”

  He nods, “Jay’s here you know.”

  At the mention of Jay’s name things stop. I tilt my head to the side, “Where?”

  Jack nods his head towards the house, “In there with your girl.”

  My face instantly goes red with rage. I can feel it all the way to my bones. Those couple of hits don’t even faze me. Not now. He isn’t talking about Macy though. He’s talking about Madison. No one can ever tell them apart and there isn’t any way he could know that since he’s been out here the whole time I’ve been with Macy in the house.

  I set out to find out what the fuck Madison is doing with Jay at a party of all places. I’ve told her to stay the fuck away from him so many fucking times I feel like a broken fucking record. I push the back door open and look to the spot where I left Macy. She’s gone. I feel bad that I just left her but I needed to cool off.

  I catch Madison out of the corner of my eye and I stalk straight towards her. She’s walking down a hallway with Jay tugging her along. When I reach her, I grab her elbow and give a little tug.

  “What the fuck?” Madison says whipping her head around.

  Jay reaches towards his back but stops when he sees that it’s me. He was probably ready to pull his gun out.

  Madison places a hand on his chest, “Go ahead in the room. I’ll be right there.” She tells Jay.

  Jay doesn’t say a word but stares me down before walking into the room.

  I don’t let go of Madison’s arm, “I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from him, Madison. He’s bad fucking news and he’s going to fucking ruin you.”

  She wrenches her arm back, “You need to mind your own business.”

  I lean back against the wall, “You’re making a huge mistake. Leave with me.”

  Madison looks conflicted for just a second like she wants to come with me but the corner of her lip raises. She steps past me and into the room with Jay without another word.

  I bang the back of my head against the wall. “Fuck!” I yell. She shouldn’t be in there. I shouldn’t have let her go. I know what’s happening behind those doors. He’s gonna get her high, and then have his way with her then leave her there naked and exposed for anyone else who wants their chance with her. She’s gonna let him too because that’s what Madison does. It makes my stomach turn and I bet if Cash really knew, it would completely break him to know what she does and what guys do to his girl. If I were Cash, I wouldn’t be okay with this. There is no excuse, none. Even if the tables were turned and it was Macy, I wouldn’t let her self-destruct.

  I bang my head again before storming out of the party and back to my empty room with my full bottle of whiskey.

  When I arrive back at my dorm I slam the door shut and lock it, locking the world out. I can’t fucking take anything else. Trudging over to my bed, I sit down and run my hands through my hair. I can’t get the mental images of Madison and Jay together. It’s fucked up. She’s fucked up. He’s fucked up. I’m fucked up.

  Why can’t she just see how bad he is?

  I pull open my desk drawer and pull out the bottle of whiskey I have hidden in there. Something drops to the floor but I don’t care right now. I need that burn. I need the numbness. Unscrewing the top, I take a pull directly from the bottle.

  I put the bottle on the floor and reach behind me to pull my shirt off. It’s cool in here, the cinder block walls not offering much warmth but the whiskey does the trick. I toss my shirt on the floor and pick up the picture that fell out.

  It’s Macy and I in Cannon Beach lying in the hammock where we spent most of our time when we were there. Just the two of us together. Macy’s face is slightly pink from spending the days playing around in the water. She has a hand placed on my cheek staring intently into my eyes.

  I swallow hard trying to breathe in deep, easing the pain but nothing helps. My eyes burn like a motherfucker and I rub at them with the back of my hand.

  “Fuck.” I reach down and take another swig, it does nothing but burn so I keep it up until the burn is suppressed and I feel numb.

  I hold the picture so hard in my hand it starts to shake. Where did that girl go, the one who could never wipe the smile off her face? The one with the dreams bigger than life itself? The one with the master plan? That’s right. I fucked that all up. I killed our best friend. I ruined her dreams, wiped the smile off her face in a single night. I’ve ruined my dreams and the dreams of our friends. The fucked up thing is I continue to do it. I tried to stop. I laugh at myself. Who the fuck am I kidding. I didn’t try to stop, I don’t even want to. It’s the only way for me.

  I have to get high and drunk to cope with this shell of a life I’ve created to keep the fucking voices and sounds quiet. It’s my survival. Macy doesn’t need or deserve that. She’s got too much going for her.

  Time passes as I sit here and stare at the picture. Sometime later there is a knock on my door. I climb off the bed and go to open it. I know who it is even before opening the door. It’s Macy, she’s checking on me like she always does when I’m livid the way I was at the party. She’s making sure I’m not still stuck in my own head with my thoughts.

  She’s leaning against the door with her Ducks hoodie and yoga pants on with her hair up in some messy bun thing. I stare at her thinking how adorable she looks when she’s tired.

  “What happened to you?” she asks, never making the attempt to come inside. She’s waiting to see what I’m going to do, how I’m going to react.

  I shrug and open the door wider allowing her to come in. I’m here by myself still, Colton’s at the party and probably going home with that chick he was talking to earlier.

  Macy and I do the same dance we’ve done so many other times. I sit on the end of my bed in only my boxers as Macy strips off her clothes and climbs in behind me. But there’s something else here, I can feel it. She’s afraid I’ve pulled away all together tonight. This is her testing me out.

  She takes her smooth gentle hands and runs them up and down my back comforting me. I wish it was comforting,
I do. But it’s not. It’s complicating things for me. When she knows I’m still tense, she leans forward placing a kiss on my shoulder blade where I have Steven’s name and Jersey number, the same number I have now, tattooed on me. A permanent reminder. My body tenses again, waiting for the memories to hit me full force but nothing happens.

  I reach for her and pull her around so she’s sitting on my lap. I reach up and tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. She’s beautiful, even without the makeup she cakes her face with. She’s pure right now, like when I met her, innocent knobby kneed little girl who ate the frosting off my cupcake in the fourth grade and tried to convince me it was her sister. She’s that same girl who gave me her innocence without question when I didn’t deserve it. And now here she is, giving me another little piece I didn’t deserve. Her.

  Macy reaches up and cups my face staring into my eyes so intently, just like the picture, her naked body pressed against mine. Just like when we were back at Cannon Beach. I close my eyes and lean into her touch.

  “Make love to me,” Macy whispers.

  It’s never ‘fuck me’ with Macy. She’s not that kind of girl. She doesn’t do rough, she loves slow and gentle. My stomach clenches and I grip her hips hard. I shouldn’t give into her but I do. I always will. I do because the way she makes me feels silences things for a bit. She makes me believe there’s more to this life when I’m not thinking about the reality that I live in.

  I nod my head and push her back a little bit so I could free myself from my boxers. Macy’s face flushes as she watches me grip myself. I reach behind her and cup her ass bringing her closer to me. I push inside of her with ease. Her head comes down to rest on my shoulder, moaning at my touch. I grip her hips and rock in and out of her. It’s slow, painfully slow. I’m memorizing it. Just like that photograph and the memories I have of her, I never want to forget moments like these when it’s pure between us.

  Macy runs her hands over my shoulders and into my hair, tugging gently. She knows it drives me crazy when she does that.

  This position is new for us sitting here holding on to each other with everything we are. I know deep down I can’t keep doing to this her. She’ll never leave me, ever. So it’s up to me to push her, push her over the edge and not want to hold on to what we have left. But I can’t make myself do that. I keep saying to myself, even right now, I can change and be good for her. Only problem is I never do. Instead of finding comfort in her the way I should, I find it in a bottle or a joint.

  Or her twin sister.

  I’m constantly turning away from her only to have her turn me back around. I wish she’d leave me, put me out of my goddamn misery.

  It’s times like this—when her eyes lock with mine—that I wish we were fighting instead of this raw emotion between us that fuels the passion we both have for each other. Fighting I can handle, emotions I can’t. I’m weak when it comes to that, to her, I’m the weakest of them.

  I push everything out of my mind and move with determination. It has to be this way. It’s for the best. I throw everything that’s left of me into soul-searing sex between us. My movements becoming harder, faster, my left arm wrapped around her waist, my right on her ass moving her against me. Macy’s panting and gently biting down on my neck and it only fuels my fire and sends me over the fucking edge. Macy’s body tightens around me and I push harder into her chasing my own orgasm, praying she’s close because I’m not lasting.

  “Oh Landon,” she cries out.

  Her body goes limp in my arms as I continue to drive into her. It starts out low in my stomach building rapidly and then it hits like a freight train.

  “Damn,” I grind out still pumping in and out of her slowly as my release hits.

  I rest my head on her shoulder and it’s then that I realize she’s crying. Shit. Was I too rough? Did I hurt her?

  No, that’s all I’ve ever done is hurt her. This is more. This is her knowing there’s no chance for us. Not when I can’t give myself to her in the ways she needs.

  I lift her chin and a tear slips down her cheek. Her next words break that last piece that was holding me together. “You stole my heartbeat.”

  I blink, pulling away from her, and the words come out before I can stop them. “I can’t steal something you give to me over and over again to destroy.”

  She says nothing because she knows it’s the truth but yet she doesn’t give a shit. She’d rather hold on to what we had and not what else is out there in the world, outside of this bubble she put us in.

  A short time later Macy grabs her clothes and starts to get dressed. “Where are you going?”

  She looks at me like I’m stupid and maybe I am. “I’m leaving. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

  I laugh bitterly. “Are you running off to Cash now?”

  Macy stops and turns to me. Anger rolling off of her as she yells, “What the fuck is your problem?” She pushes me back and I fall on the bed. “Why do you always think that? Have I ever given you a reason to believe something is going on between Cash and me?”

  I look away because she hasn’t. I’m just jealous that she still has a friendship with Cash.

  “Answer me, Landon?” Macy pulls her shirt over her head and grabs her purse off the floor. “You can’t answer me, can you, Landon? You can’t because you and I both know that I haven’t.”

  She pulls the door open and storms out.

  Finally, she’s pissed and I hope this time she stays away.

  October 10, 2013

  “Landon, I’m worried about you. Your grades are slipping.” Professor Robinson says when she looks down at the piece of paper in her hand. It’s yet another test I failed. I shouldn’t have but I did. It’s not like I didn’t try studying but Madison had other ideas about halfway through and I got side-tracked with getting high with her. Forgetting about what was important.

  I nod my understanding.

  “I think you need to get a tutor if you plan on passing this class and keeping that scholarship of yours.” Mrs. Robinson gives me a pitiful smile and I hate her for it. She knows about my past. How I’m not exactly sure but she knows. She’d mentioned it one time when she called me down for failing the first assignment.

  “Yes, ma’am.” I say reaching for my test that she’s handing me.

  I run up the steps two at a time so I can make it to my next class on time. Just another thing I need to worry about on top of all the other shit I’ve got going on. And the fucked up thing about it is I can’t even call Macy to help me. I haven’t spoken to her once since that night she told me I stole her heartbeat. I guess in a way she’s right because when I do catch a glimpse of her around she looks fucking horrible. I did that. I caused her to look like death. She has dark circles around her eyes; she keeps her head down unless she’s with Cash. And I can tell she’s not eating, not many would notice it but I do.

  After my last class I head to practice. I’m late, like normal these days. I change out of my clothes and step into my shorts. When I turn, Coach Lander is leaning against the lockers with his arms folded holding his clipboard.

  “Landon.” He greets me. It’s cold and I know shit’s about to get real.

  “Coach.”

  He takes a deep breath and takes a step forward. “Son, I’m know you’re on something.” I don’t acknowledge the truth he just spoke. “Get off, Landon. You’re fucking your life up.”

  I hang my head in shame because he’s right. “Yes, sir.”

  Today, I just need to get through today and then I’ll lay off so I can pass the drug test I know is coming up. Just one more day is all I need.

  October 12, 2013

  We have a game in Seattle against the Washington Huskies. Colton, Jet and I are eating breakfast. I don’t feel like eating much but I know I have to in order to keep up with the game. Colton sits down with a plate filled with eggs, bacon, ham, and hash browns. Jet sits next to him with eggs, bacon, sausage, and hash browns and a big glass of water. I only took as much as I
knew I’d be able to eat which is only some eggs and toast. I’ve been drinking water since I woke up and it’s filling me up.

  We eat in silence lost in our own thoughts of the game. Declan joins us a few minutes later looking like shit.

  “You alright, big guy?” Jet asks.

  Declan nods and buries his head in his arms that are resting on the table.

  I get up from the table without a word and toss the food I didn’t eat in the trash and go back to my room.

  When I get back I pack up everything I need for the game. Something about the game today seems off. I don’t know what it is but something is just off. I try to shake it off on the way out to the bus.

  I sit on the bus next to Colton who is snoring and every time we hit a bump his head smacks the window. He never even budges. I’m reviewing plays of the game from last year trying to find my game plan against them. We’re on a winning streak and I want to keep it up.

  When we arrive we are escorted in by police. We don’t have many fans who travel the hours and miles to watch us play but we do have some diehard ones. They cheer for us as we step off the bus and walk into the stadium locker room.

  Some of the guys are quiet in their zones while others are laughing and carrying on, pushing each other’s buttons to psyche them up for the game.

  I don’t talk to anyone, I need my focus.

  After we suit up we, as a team, walk out on to the field and get a feel for it. We walk up and down, feeling the weather and taking in the atmosphere. When we’re done we head back into the locker room where the dressing coaches and trainers wrap ankles, injuries and talk about other little job assignments.

  Once everyone was suited up and taped up we went out onto the field and warmed up. When we were good and loose we jogged back to the locker room and lined up.

  Cash and Saylor ran out for the coin toss.

  Saylor runs back followed by Cash. We won the coin toss and we’re the receiving team so we get the ball back after half time.