I huff, “That’s too much work.”
September 24, 2013
“Labs are due at the start of next class.” Professor Smith yells above the noise of the students shuffling out of class.
I’m last to leave class and when I step out into the hall I run directly into Alexa. The world around me freezes and I get hit with a wave of nausea. I’ve barely seen or spoken to her in these last three years. She hates me, she hates all of us, and I don’t blame her. I’d hate the world if my forever after was taken from me too.
“Uh…Hey.” I stumble over my words.
Alexa looks down and fidgets with her fingers. She looks horrible and I hate that. She doesn’t deserve to look like this. She used to be full of curves, gorgeous red hair, pale skin with freckles sprinkled over the top of her nose and the prettiest pale green eyes I’ve ever seen. Now, she’s lost so much weight, she’s skin and bones, her clothes hang off of her. She looks like the twelve year-old Alexa was before she hit puberty. She’s living through hell and my heart breaks for her.
I never see her with anyone. I loved her, still do, she’s like a sister to me but yet I never have the balls to face her. To go to her and demand she starts living again. To keep her head held high like Steven would want her to but who the hell am I to say these things to her when I can’t do the same. I’m a coward. I’m lost and trying to find my way too.
“How are you doing?” I try asking a question hoping I get some kind of response.
It’s awkward standing here with her. I’m uncomfortable. I know she has to be too. I feel like an idiot. ‘How are you doing?’ real smooth Macy, real fucking smooth. She’s a fucking mess. Her life has been destroyed.
Alexa looks up, surprising me, but just shakes her head and walks away without a backwards glance.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, pissed at myself, pissed at her, pissed at the whole world. The memories start to bubble to the surface as I silently remember Alexa screaming. If I let them bubble over they’ll suffocate me and I can’t have that. I’m barely breathing on my own right now.
I take a few deep breaths pushing the memories away. I put one foot in front of the other and remind myself that I’m still living for a reason and Steven would want me to keep living. Keep pushing forward when all I want to do is crumble.
Landon is waiting for me just around the corner.
“Hey,” he greets me.
“Hey,” I look around wondering if he noticed Alexa walk past him but if he has he’s not letting on about it.
Landon nods his head towards the doors, “You ready?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
As we continue down the hall I see Cash walking towards us with Saylor right alongside him. My palms start to sweat a little because it’s always a little awkward when Landon and Cash are near each other.
The past few minutes were hard and I can’t handle much more.
God, let me hold my shit together long enough to get through this awkwardness.
Cash winks and high fives me as he passes. I laugh nervously as Landon mumbles something beside me. Cash did that as a dig to Landon but I also know that he can’t ignore me and never will. He doesn’t care that Landon was there beside me.
I pray every night that Cash and Landon will start talking again one day. But with every day, every month, every year that passes it just makes the chances of them mending things that much harder. I love them both and I need them in my life one way or another.
Landon and I walk silently to our classes. I don’t know what to say so I say nothing. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to stop talking to Cash just because they don’t talk anymore. We aren’t in grade school. Landon talks to Madison and he knows how I feel about that but I don’t say a word. I have every right not wanting him talking to her since he almost had sex with her on our damn prom night. I squeeze my eyes shut for a second in annoyance at myself allowing, hell, for forgiving him. Landon did cheat on me with my sister in some ways. I let him get away with it. I turned a blind eye because he’s all I have left of my old life. The life I want back. He’s my other half whether he sees it or not. I don’t try to run his life and tell him he can’t talk to my sister and he isn’t going to tell me I can’t talk to Cash.
We stop in front of the door to the lecture hall where my next class is. I want to say something to Landon but what do I say? I’m sorry I talked to Cash? I’m sorry you hate it? I’m sorry you went to my sister when we were all suffering in one way or another? Yeah, no I’m not apologizing for that.
Landon leans forward and barely brushes his lips against my forehead before turning in the other direction heading towards his class. That stings but I brush it off because I have to. What choice do I have?
My life is exhausting. I feel like I go to battle every day and some days I wish I had the balls to just say fuck it all and move on. But I can’t. I don’t know how to move on without them in my life. Losing what little we are all holding onto is not a sacrifice I’m willing to make…so I deal, I fucking deal the only way I know how, just like Alexa does with her avoidance of us all, just like Cash does by his devotion to my sister, just like Madison does with her fucked up existence and her drug use, and just like Landon does with the walls he erects to keep those who love him at arm’s length and his need to always smoke weed and drink.
September 28, 2013
“Does this look okay?” Heather, my roommate, for the last three years asks.
Heather can pull off any look she tries. She has the perfect complexion, something I wish I had. She can wear bright colors and look like she spent all day tanning. She can wear dark clothes and not look washed out. She walks out in a pair of black skinny jeans that are ripped up her thighs with a super tight, hot pink halter top paired with matching hot pink heels and she looks utterly flawless. Her short raven pixie hairstyle makes her look sleek and fabulous. I envy those girls who can pull off the flawless look. Heather is that girl and I love her like she’s family. She’s more of a sister to me then Madison has been.
“I’m envious.” I pout.
She puts her hands on her hips and cocks an eyebrow. “Stop that. You have no reason to be envious. I’d kill for your ass.”
I laugh and turn back to the mirror and finish applying my makeup. Heather picks up the curling iron and starts helping me curl the ends of my hair. I’m not getting fancy for the party because I doubt I’ll even stay that long once Landon arrives. We’ve barely spoken since I high-fived Cash in the hallway a few days ago. I decided to go for casual, it’s not like I’m trying to impress anyone. I can’t handle having to please anyone else. I wear my favorite pair of worn jeans that have a fancy design on the pockets with a tight flannel shirt…so tight I have to leave the first few buttons undone in order to give my boobs room and I decide to wear my dark brown knee high boots that match my shirt.
When Heather and I are ready we head over to Austin’s house where the party is being held. Austin’s a tight end on the team. It’s a little bit of a walk but since we’ll both be drinking there is no way we were driving. The walk is good for me anyway. It’ll give me a chance to clear my head a bit. Preps me for what I know will be a battle.
We get about halfway there and Heather senses my uneasiness. “So, the boys won today?”
“Yup.”
Heather kicks a rock down the sidewalk. “Who’d they play?”
“California Golden Bears.”
I’m being short. I don’t mean to but I really don’t want to talk about the game. The game I should have went to but figured it was better I didn’t since I knew Landon wouldn’t want me there.
“The score?”
“Sixteen to fifty-five.” I look over to Heather and lift an eyebrow. “Where are you going with this?”
She looks up to the sky still walking along, “Why didn’t you just go to the game? You never miss one.”
I shrug.
“Macy,” Heather says in a warning tone.
I sig
h, “Because Landon and I aren’t exactly speaking.”
Heather eyes me waiting for me to continue. I shrug, “Cash high-fived me in the hallway when I was with Landon.”
She starts laughing, she laughs so hard she bends over. “Are you fucking kidding me? What? Are we in grade school?”
I smile, “I thought the same thing.”
Heather links her arm with mine, “Girl, what are we going to do with you? You can’t live with him and you can’t live without him.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
People are spilling out onto the porch of Austin’s house when it comes into view. We could hear the bass and people yelling and laughing from a few blocks over. We’re walking past Austin’s neighbor’s house when Heather nudges me. Some guy is pissing on a tree for the whole world to see. Two girls barely dressed are lying on the front lawn with Solo cups littered all around them.
Heather grips my arm a little tighter knowing I’m about to bolt. “Don’t. Break out of that damn shell of yours and keep your head held high. You didn’t do a damn thing.” I relax, just a little bit. “If you don’t show, Landon wins. Is that what you want?”
“Are we playing football now?”
She stops walking and causes me to stumble a bit. “Macy…”
I roll my eyes, “No, I don’t want him to win.” He always wins though.
She smiles, “Good now put a smile on that pretty face of yours and swing those hips when we walk in that door.”
I glare at her.
She smirks, “I bet you ten bucks Landon talks to you within twenty minutes if you do what I say.”
I raise my eyebrows, “You’re serious.”
She drops the smile and steels her face, “Do I look serious?”
I laugh, “My mother makes that face.”
A shock of horrible flashes on Heather’s face, “Better your mother then grandmother.”
We both start laughing and push through the crowd on the porch. It’s wall-to-wall people. Some are dancing, some are huddled in corners, a few are playing beer pong and the rest are standing around talking. Heather and I make a bee line to the kitchen needing a beer to make it through this damn party.
A hand on my hip causes me to falter. I quickly turn around about ready to lay into the loser for touching me when Cash winks at me and has his hands up in surrender. “Just me, Mace.”
My shoulders sag in relief.
I lean over and place a kiss on Cash’s cheek. “Congrats on wining today.”
Cash smiles, “Thanks, I didn’t see you at the game though.”
I’m a little shocked that he even noticed that I wasn’t there. I didn’t think I mattered that much to him or anyone for that matter. “Oh you know, just staying clear.”
Cash looks around before turning to look back at me. “I figured something was up. Landon was off his game today.”
Good, serves the bastard right.
I fidget with my hands, “Yeah, well I figured it was for the best. I think he needs some space.”
One of the guys from the team, I can’t ever remember his name, comes over and hands Cash a beer. Cash takes it from him and gives it to me. “I can’t drink that shit tonight.”
My brows draw in confusion, “Everything okay?”
Cash waves me off, “Yeah, yeah. Just some shit I’m dealing with plus we’ve got a pretty big game coming up next weekend.”
I spot Heather in the kitchen looking around for me. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later?”
Cash nods and walks off towards Saylor and a few other guys.
When I reach Heather again she looks down to her watch, “I’ve got four minutes left in this bet. We need to make our rounds.”
I roll my eyes as she takes my hand and we make our way around the house. We say hi to a few people as we pass by them. Heather looks over her shoulder, “You better be swaying those hips.”
I laugh, “You’re fucking crazy.”
She laughs right back, “You bet that fine ass of yours I am.”
A shiver goes right down my spine and I freeze. “A fine ass you do have.” The sound of his voice charges the electricity flowing between us. I hate that he has this hold over me.
I turn to face Landon. I don’t know how to respond to his comment so I wait for him to say something else. He reaches for my hand and brings me closer to him. I go because that’s what I do. He whispers in my ear, “I missed you today.”
I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. “I didn’t think you’d even realize I wasn’t there.”
“You know better than that, I always see you.” Landon says, “And I’m sorry for being a dick.”
I lift my head and stare into his eyes gauging his sincerity. I know Landon knows I always go to his games but I never knew he checked to see if I was actually there.
He bites back a smile, “I’m sorry.” He mouths.
I give him a little smile because that’s what I do. I always give into Landon Hayes. He’s my weak link. My heartbeat. My soul mate.
Heather clears her throat behind us. When I turn around she has her hand out. I shake my head and dig into Landon’s back pocket pulling out ten dollars. He’s paying for this.
“Told you.” She says winking and leaving Landon and I standing there.
“Want to explain that one?”
Landon pulls me into his arms. He’s so warm and comfortable. “Not a chance in hell.”
He laughs and I feel his chest vibrate.
I huff, “She bet me that you would be talking to me within ten minutes of showing up.”
“That’s it?”
I close my eyes and lean my forehead on his chest. “She may have mentioned something about me swaying my hips.”
Landon groans, “Don’t listen to her, ever.”
I lift my head. “You only do that shit when I’m with you. If not, I can’t promise not to beat the shit out of every guy who looks at you.”
My Landon is back for just the briefest of moments but it’s enough to give me a slight hope that one day, someday, we’ll find our way back to each other.
Landon and I gravitate to the kitchen away from the thumping of the music. He’s telling me about the game and what I missed. I let him tell me because I just want to hear him talk, I just want his attention, I don’t want to share him. I don’t tell him I watched every second of it on T.V.
Things for the moment are back to normal with Landon and I. Whatever the fuck our normal is, I guess. There is no denying our attraction for each other but there is a mountain between us. I want to go down one side while he wants to go down the other.
Landon’s eyes go cold and his body stiffens.
Someone clears their throat behind us and I mentally scream because I know it’s Cash. And here I thought things were going so good.
I turn in Landon’s arms and he brings my back flush against his chest.
Cash looks directly at me never even acknowledging Landon, “I’m outta here. I’ll talk to you later.”
I feel cold, something’s wrong. “Alright.”
When Cash steps around us he bumps Landon’s shoulder so hard his back hits the wall. Landon pushes himself from the wall, visibly pissed with Cash and throws his arms in the air, “He’s lucky I don’t kick his quarterback ass!” He yells loud enough for Cash to hear, but it doesn’t stop Cash or even cause him to turn around. In typical Cash fashion, he holds up his middle finger before disappearing into the crowd.
I push back on Landon’s chest, “Settle down, he didn’t mean it.” Then I nod my head in my sister’s direction.
Landon grips my arms and moves me from his embrace. “I don’t give a fuck if he can’t handle Madison. Maybe he should just leave her the fuck alone and while he’s at it I wish he would fucking leave you alone too.”
Landon storms off before I can even get a word out. People are looking at me, me, not him. Landon Hayes, number ten, wide receiver can do no wrong around here. Fuck that. Cash a
nd him are the ones with the issues.
I’ve learned my lesson years ago with Landon. When he’s pissed just let him go. He just needs to cool off, work whatever the hell is wrong out and then he’ll come back around. I know deep down inside that he isn’t coming back anytime soon. He walked off towards the stoners who are hanging out back. He’s promised me over and over again he was done with that shit but clearly he isn’t.
Jet Johnson, a tight end from the team, gets up from his seat and gives me a little nod. I smile and take the seat he just vacated.
“You know you aren’t the only one who deals with that shit, right?” he asks me.
No, I don’t really know because Landon doesn’t talk about much of anything with me. “Well, that makes everything all better, huh?” That came out a little bitchier then I wanted it to and I know he was just being nice but I’m fucking tired of this shit. He’s pissed and I didn’t even do a damn thing.
Jet smiles, “They could be fist fighting every day.” His smile widens. “Now that’s something I’d pay to see.”
I try not to laugh but it’s either that or cry right now. I finish my beer hoping that Landon will come back before I’m finished. It’s a long shot but whatever.
My eyes land on my sister across the room. She’s standing there with that guy Jay I’ve heard about. She looks uncomfortable as he gets closer and closer to her. I watch the two of them wondering what in the hell she’s doing with him. He’s bad fucking news.
Jay reaches for Madison’s hand and they disappear into the crowd. My sister is a fucking idiot. I need to get the hell out of here.
I stand and toss my cup in the trash can. “You leaving?” Jet asks.
“Yeah, he’s not coming back.”
He nods because he knows too.
Heather is sitting on a couch on the other side of the room. I make my way over to her and she tries to look behind me.
I shake my head, “Will you leave with me? I don’t want to walk home by myself.”
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