Forever Love

by Chelsea Landon

  Late in the third quarter we’re huddled. Cash calls the plays and we break.

  “Hut, hut.” Cash yells.

  The ball snaps and I take off down the field outrunning my opponent. I turn, my hands open waiting for the ball that I know will land there any second.

  It never comes.

  Cash gets sacked so hard his head bounces off the ground and his helmet flies off. I look for Colton wondering where the fuck Cash’s block was. He’s lying on the ground without a soul near him. He should have been there. I don’t take my eyes off of him.

  He climbs to his feet and jogs off to the sidelines. I follow behind him because I want to know why he wasn’t there defending Cash in the pocket. I do get a glance in Cash’s direction. He’s telling the trainers that he’s fine, he’s not though. They put him on a stretcher and cart him off to go get checked out.

  The number two backup quarterback, Brian, runs out onto the field and we all follow. I’ll have to deal with Colton after the game.

  When we all got back to the locker room I went straight for Colton. That stupid fuck knew exactly what he was doing when Cash got rocked. He should have blocked that guy, it’s the only one he had to worry about.

  Colton has his back turned away from me when I come up and shove his back. He turns around ready to fight. “You wanna finish this now?” he cocks an eyebrow. “Why are you so pissed? I thought you hated him. Who cares if he got rocked out there tonight? His cocky ass deserved to be roughed up a little.”

  I get in his face and shove my finger into his chest, “He’s not cocky for one thing. He’s better than all of you cocksuckers combined. Better than any of us are and you just put his entire career in danger, asshole.”

  Colton backs up a step, “Again, Landon, why do you care?”

  He doesn’t understand, none of them do. “Because he’s worth it and that’s what matters.” I take a step back shaking my head. There is a crowd that has formed around us and everyone is just watching and waiting for the explosion. It’s not coming though. Colton isn’t worth it, none of them are.

  October 15, 2013

  Madison and I have a Statistics test that’s coming up. She calls and asks if I want to study with her. Of course I do. I’m falling behind in that class and can use any help I can get.

  “Want to pick up a pizza and meet me in my dorm?” Madison asks as soon as I answer the phone.

  Groaning I answer, “What time?” I don’t really want to go over there because I don’t want to run into Macy in the hallway but whatever.

  “A half hour?”

  I roll out of bed, “Yup.”

  I quickly get a shower and leave to go pick up the pizzas and go to Madison’s.

  I make one quick pit stop to pick up beer after I got a text from Madison reminding me to get some because what’s pizza without beer? I didn’t need a reminder because she never asked for the beer, she didn’t really need to though, I know she doesn’t have any money.

  “You really do love me, don’t you?” Madison says as she opens the door for me.

  “Funny, Madison.”

  We’re sitting on her bed with our back against the wall and the pizza box lays between us.

  “I just don’t get it,” I groan, “She’s like my fucking mother at times.”

  I see the hurt in Madison’s eyes. “You know what I don’t get…I can’t blame Macy for hating me. But what hurts the most is that she forgave you and not me. I don’t get it.”

  “Did you sleep with Madison?” Macy asked as we sat on her bed the next day after the disaster that prom was.

  “No, I didn’t have sex with Madison. Alexa walked in before that happened.” I answered honestly.

  “Would you have if Alexa didn’t walk in?” She said through a cry.

  I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already had but I can’t lie to her either. Instead of answering her, I just nod my head.

  Macy gasped before a strangled cry escaped her. “Why Landon? Why are you running to Madison instead of me? Why?” She cried.

  I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. “You’ll never understand, Macy.”

  “And Madison does?”

  I nod, “She understands the pain.”

  Macy pushed me until I was almost falling off the bed. “I was there too. I saw the whole fucking thing happen and there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done to stop it. It was an accident, Landon. An accident. You didn’t burn him on purpose with that joint. You didn’t swerve the car into an oncoming car to get back at anyone.”

  I know that there is a slight chance that I didn’t cause the accident because the guy driving the other car was drunk. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.

  “If I wasn’t smoking, I wouldn’t have dropped the joint. Steven would still be here!” I yelled back frustrated that she doesn’t understand. “See, this is why I run to Madison.”

  Macy just cried and I let her. I didn’t comfort her because she had every right to be mad at me. After a while she settled down.

  “I don’t want to lose you too, Landon.” She said with a scratchy raw voice.

  She didn’t realize that she already had but I don’t tell her that. If she needed me to be able to cope then so be it. It’s all I could do to make this a little bit better for her.

  “Will you go to sleep with me?” She asked while yawning.

  I didn’t answer her but I did lie back in her bed with her. She wrapped her body around me. “Please don’t leave me?” She said sleepily.

  Before I even had a chance to answer her she was fast asleep.

  Madison hands me the joint back that we are smoking. I inhale and ask Madison something I’ve always wanted to know. “Would you have let me?”

  “Let you fuck me?”

  “Jesus…” I laugh. Madison is always so blunt about things. I love that she keeps it real and doesn’t try to add the fluff all the time. “You’re so fucking crass.”

  “So…” Madison shrugs, clearly avoiding my question. By the way she’s staring at her hands, she doesn’t want to answer it, or she’s thinking about something else entirely.

  “Answer it.”

  “Answer what?”

  I roll my eyes. “Stop avoiding the question.” I need the answer. I stone my expression. “Would you have let me?”

  Madison thinks for a second and I’m curious what she’s going to say next. It could be anything knowing her. “I probably would have let you stick it in.” I shake my head, she’s fucking kidding around. “But then I would have stopped you.”

  “Oh man,” my head falls back against the wall with a thud as I laugh, “that would have totally sucked for me.”

  I wonder what would happen if I did have sex with Madison. We’ve had so many opportunities that had we really wanted to, we could have.

  I’m not lying, I have thought about it. She’s so different than Macy that I wonder.

  That’s all I ever do though. Wonder.

  I can’t bring myself to do anything more because she’s not Macy.

  I would have done just that too. I would have taken anything she would have given me that night. It’s what I did. Madison is one of the very few people I trust completely. She understands me on an emotional level that I don’t let others see. She knows me almost as much as Macy does. The only difference is that Macy gets the physical side. People may see me around campus and at parties with other girls but they don’t know what happens between them and me. Only I know. Yeah, I’ve kissed other girls, I’ve felt them up, I’ve stuck my hands down some of their panties but that’s all that has happened. The second I get close to going further Macy flashes into my mind and it’s like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on me. And whether I want to admit it or not, Macy has my heart wrapped around every possible side of her so much so that no one will ever be able to separate us.

  October 17, 2013

  I met Jay at our normal spot before heading over to the party. I could have bro
ught Madison along with me but she needs to stay the hell away from him.

  When I arrive Jay isn’t here yet so I lean up against the tree and out of the rain to wait. I adjust the hat on my head and then pull my hoodie up.

  The quiet of the night is interrupted when I hear someone whimpering. I glance around wondering where it’s coming from.

  “I told you I wanted my money.”

  Jay. I stay hidden in the shadows, out of sight, and listen.

  “I’m gonna get it for you. I just need a couple more days.” The kid begs.

  “And I told you no.” Then suddenly I hear Jay’s fist connect with the kid’s face. “Tomorrow, that’s all you get. Don’t make me come looking for you.” He follows that with another punch and the kid cries out.

  Freshman year when I first met Jay I knew he was bad news. I knew then not to fuck around with him, never to get in too deep with him. I was walking to my dorm one night after a late class and heard the cries of someone getting hit repeatedly, an eerie sense of déjà vu overtakes me because this is exactly what I just heard again. I walked around the side of the building and stopped in my tracks. Jay was standing over some guy who was curled up in the fetal position. He brought his arm up; in the light it looked like a pipe of some kind. He slammed it back down against the guy’s side and he screamed out.

  Not wanting Jay to think I’ve heard what’s happened I slip my headphones on but don’t turn the music on. I pull my phone out of my pocket and look busy looking through it when he approaches.

  Jay stands before me and I look up in surprise. “Hey, man.” I greet him keeping my tone nice and even not giving away that I know he just beat the shit out of some kid.

  He doesn’t answer me, never does. Jay hands me what I asked for in my text and I reach into my pocket and pull out the money I owe him. I never owe him, ever.

  Jay tucks the money in his right pocket and pulls out a napkin or some shit from his left and wipes his bloody knuckles off.

  “You gotta leave Madison alone.” I blurt out before I even realize what I’ve said.

  Jay stops wiping his hand but doesn’t look up. He never does, it’s beneath him to look someone in the eyes. No one is good enough for Jay. He laughs bitterly, “What are you, her fucking boyfriend?”

  “Fuck no, I’m not her boyfriend.” I try to laugh it off. Damn this guy makes me so uncomfortable.

  “If you know what’s best for you, Landon Hayes, you’ll mind your own fucking business.” He throws the napkin on the ground and walks away without another word.

  Well, that went fucking great. I just pissed a drug dealer off more than he already was. Awesome start to the night.

  October 17, 2013

  I haven’t seen Landon, except in passing, in weeks. We exchange an occasional text, nothing too deep. There is a wedge between Landon and me after I told him that he stole my heartbeat that last night with him. He threw my words back in my face telling me that he didn’t steal something I just keep giving him over and over again.

  Well, screw him. I don’t think I can try anymore. I’ve given him everything hoping he’d come around and want me as much as I want him but clearly he’s blind. I can’t keep trying. It cracks my heart every time I let him in and this last time hurt the worst. I can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

  “Hey, Macy,” Will McDaniel says as he takes a seat next to me in class.

  I smile politely when all I want to do is give the world the finger. “Hey, Will.”

  Will is a really nice guy. He’s adorable in a nerdy sort of way. Tall and skinny, his dark brown hair sticks up all over the place. His brown eyes shine through his dark rimmed glasses that rest on his perfectly straight nose. He normally dresses in a button down shirt that he always has tucked into his jeans with a pair of Converse. His assignments are always done on time, never misses a class and most of the time he has his nose in a book.

  “Did you finish your assignment?” he says eyeing my books.

  I nod, “Pretty much.”

  He goes to take a seat next to me and almost misses the chair. Will’s cheeks flush and I want to laugh, have to stifle it in fact because I know it’s not appropriate. “How about you?” I know his is done; it’d be a cold day in hell if it wasn’t.

  He goes to tap his pen on the table but it flies up in the air nearly hitting the guy in front of us. The control I had on him almost missing the chair and now this, well, I can’t help but to start laughing and Will’s cheeks are blazing red with embarrassment.

  The guy in front of us turns in his seat and glares right at Will. Poor guy starts shaking but before Brent or Brian says anything I speak up. “Sorry about that.” I smile sweetly hoping to distract him.

  He nods once, “No problem.” He hands me the pen then turns around.

  I reach over and slide the pen across to Will. “Thanks.” He mutters under his breath.

  Our fingers graze each other’s and Will quickly pulls away like I’ve burned him. I tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and look away to the professor standing at the front of the room. What the hell was that?

  The rest of the class passes in a blur. Will and I keep exchanging glances but not saying anything else to each other. When class is over we walk out together. We’re walking down the stairs and he trips over his shoe laces but thankfully catches himself before falling over face first. I’m not sure I can hold back the laugh if he does something else because I’m barely containing it now.

  Will looks up at me and I lose it. Like stomach clutching, bent over belly laughs. His glasses are sitting crooked on his nose and his hair seems more of a mess now than before class started.

  “Are you alright?” I ask between laughs.

  He adjusts his glasses and wipes his hands down his jeans. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

  We walk out of class and down the hall but Will’s steps falter. I glance back, “What’s the matter?”

  Will looks past me and I follow his direction. Landon is walking down the hall towards us. When I turn back to Will he’s gone. He’s nowhere in sight. What. The. Fuck?

  Sighing, I continue walking. As cute as Will may be he’s a little weird. The closer I get to Landon my palms start to sweat and my heart sinks into my stomach. I’m not sure if I should stop and talk to Landon or keep walking and act like he’s not there.

  Landon stops in my path.

  Thankfully, I don’t have to make that decision.

  I don’t look up at first and he doesn’t talk until I do.

  “You coming to my game Saturday?”

  I shrug, “Do you want me to?”

  Landon studies me for a second, “Yeah, I guess.”

  I roll my eyes, “You guess? No I’m not coming.”

  Landon raises an eyebrow.

  I sigh. Of course his mind would go there.

  Landon shifts his weight to his other foot, “I want you there.”

  “Okay.” I answer simply. It’s all I needed to hear.

  He tips his head to the side, “Okay, you’ll go?”

  “Yes, Landon, I’ll be there.”

  And I mentally curse myself. Why can’t I be strong enough and not cave into him. He hasn’t spoken to me in weeks and the first thing he asks of me I practically fall to his feet in obedience.

  Landon tilts my chin up and places a lingering kiss on my lips that make my knees go weak.

  “I’ll see you Saturday.”

  I blink and try to settle my heartbeat. When I open my eyes he’s walking away with yet another piece of my heart. One I most assuredly just handed to him on a silver fucking platter yet again.

  October 19, 2013

  Heather and I go to Landon’s game against the Washington State Cougars. It’s perfect football weather, the sky is clear and it’s around sixty degrees or so. The football players are wearing their pink helmets, cleats and socks for Breast Cancer Awareness month. After tonight’s game they are planning on donating some of the equipment to help raise funds for
a basketball coach who passed away a few years ago that used to coach at the University of Oregon.

  The stadium is packed tonight. Sitting in the stands you can’t help but get caught up in the excitement of the game. I’m dressed in jeans, sneakers, a hoodie and my number ten jersey on top to show my support for Landon. My hair is swept up to keep it out of my face since it’s a little breezy.

  “What changed your mind about coming to Landon’s game?” Heather asks taking a sip of her drink.

  I shrug, “He asked.”

  She gives me those ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ eyes. “Really?”

  I nod, “Yeah. He stopped me in the hall after class and asked if I was going to his game.”

  Heather shakes her head and looks around the stadium.

  The Ducks aren’t having a great first half. They fumble the ball three times but manage to score twenty points in the first quarter and another fourteen in the second. They’re winning thirty-four to twenty-four.

  Holden is playing his ass off tonight. He’s kind of pulling this team along for the first half.

  “Jesus,” Heather says. “Is it always this intense?”

  I laugh because it is. “Most of the time. They’re not playing a hundred percent just yet. They’re more of a second half team so just wait.”

  Heather grabs her stomach. “I need a Tums or something.”

  I laugh. There are days when I needed one too. Watching Cash get sacked and when he was carted off of the field on a stretcher was one of those days. I’ve watched these boys get sacked more times than I can count so that part doesn’t faze me anymore.

  “I’ve been watching Landon, Cash, and even…” My eyes tear up just thinking about him.

  Heather wraps her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. “It’s alright.” Heather says soothingly.

  I know it is, it’s the way it is. It’s not fair that he was taken from us but we’re here and we’re breathing. I should be thankful for that but it doesn’t lessen the pain. Years later it hasn’t lessened it. I still wonder when this will ever get easier.