I let Heather comfort me until the half time show is over and the boys come back out on the field.
Cash finally found Landon in the third quarter and was able to complete a pass that scored them another touchdown. At the end of the third Cash was able to hand the ball off to Holden and he scored another touchdown right as the quarter ended.
Heather and I got to our feet cheering them on.
“See, I told you. They always seem to play better in the second half.”
Heather sits back down and grabs her stomach again. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”
I laugh and bump her shoulder with mine when Declan turns to her and blows her a kiss.
I turn and stare at Heather in shock. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
She blushes.
“Heather?”
She looks away briefly, “We may or may not have hooked up recently.”
My jaw hits the floor. I didn’t see that coming. Declan is the complete opposite of Heather’s type.
The crowd groans. The Ducks fumbled the ball and the Cougars ran it in for a touchdown. The score is now forty-eight to thirty-one.
“You’re giving me the details after the game.” I tell Heather, watching as Cash drops back in the pocket looking around to see who’s open.
“Nothing to tell really. We were at a party, one thing led to another, I went back to his room, he kicked Jet out, we went at it and I left.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“Have you talked to him since?”
She laughs, “Is this twenty questions?”
I look away embarrassed.
“No, I haven’t seen him since.” Heather answers.
I look over at her, “How do you do that?”
Heather laughs again like I just asked a funny question. “I’m sure you can figure that part out, Mace.”
I roll my eyes, “Smartass.” I watch the ball sail down the field and one of the Cougar’s players bats the ball away from Landon before he could get his hands on it.
“Oh, shit.” I hear someone behind me say.
Oh shit is right. Landon grips the guy up, they were helmet to helmet, exchanging words I’m sure, before a player from both teams broke it up.
“Temper much?” Heather snorts.
“You have no idea.” Landon runs back to the team and they huddle up again. “What I meant was how do you sleep with him and then not talk to him for a few days? Don’t your feelings get involved?”
Heather regards me for a minute. She’s thinking about what to say to me. How to answer the question so I’ll understand it. “Landon slept with other girls, right?”
I nod.
“Did those girls mean anything to him?”
I shake my head. “He said that no one mattered but me.” I look away. “I don’t know if that’s true though.”
Heather smiles sadly at me. I hate that she pities me. “Well, it’s the same for me. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m here to have a good time. I’m leaving my emotions out of it.”
I let that sink in for a few moments. She doesn’t put her emotions into it. She doesn’t feel it. She doesn’t let it. She’s just having a good time. Is that how Landon thinks? I know he’s messing around with Madison even if he says that he’s not. I know they’re still friends and they hang out a lot. I’ve even seen him countless times over the years flirting with other girls at parties. I’ve watched him tease girls when he doesn’t know I’m in the same room as him. Hell, I’ve seen him kiss a girl or two right in front of me.
Does he leave his feelings out of it like Heather does? Does he numb himself with them? I know he doesn’t care about them. He sees right through them. I see it in his eyes. The only time he’s not looking through someone is when he’s with Madison and me. My stomach turns. My sister. It makes me sick to think that he can find comfort in her. He finds comfort in me too and he tells me it’s only ever me he feels but why can’t I be enough? Why can’t he just see me?
Fuck.
Why am I still with him? Why can’t I be strong enough to walk away? Hell, why can’t I turn my feelings off and just live my life the way he is?
“You okay?” Heather asks nudging me in the side.
I blink a few times clearing the tears away that were doing their damndest to form. “No. I’m never okay.”
Heather’s sad eyes meet mine. “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, Mace.” Heather hugs me to her side. “I’ve told you before. Play a game he understands.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough.” I whisper and I’m not even sure she heard me with the cheers from the crowd.
“You are, Macy. You don’t see what I see. You’re stronger than most of us here.”
It’s then that I let a single tear fall. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated. I feel sacked.
Heather and I don’t really talk the rest of the game but she finds little ways to comfort me. She knows I’m hurting. She knows that she opened up my eyes and I’m seeing things in a different light. I’m seeing things through the darkness. I’m seeing things that Landon sees. I’m caving. I’m locking my feelings away. It seems like it’s the only way.
Take what I have now or leave it.
I barely paid attention to the rest of the last quarter but the Ducks won sixty-two to thirty-eight.
Word travels around that there is a party at Tim’s house tonight. Heather and I walk back to our dorm after the game to change and get ready but my head is a mess and I need to clear it. When we get back to the dorms I feel like the walls were caving in around me.
“I’ll be back.” I say to Heather and slip my shoes on.
Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. She just got out of the shower and she’s standing in our room in a towel. “Are you going to the party?”
I nod because I know I will. “Yeah. I just need to clear my head.”
“Mace,” Heather whines.
“I’m fine. I promise. I just have to get some air.”
She sits on her bed, “I didn’t tell you that stuff earlier to fuck you up. I’m sorry I brought Landon into it.”
I shake my head. I’m not sorry she did. “It’s not that.” I open the door and step into the hallway before she can say anything else. I didn’t mean to make her feel like shit but now I’m confused.
After walking around for a while I head back to the dorms to get ready. I stayed out long enough that I knew Heather would be at the party by now.
I get dressed although I don’t even know why I’m really even going to this party. No, that’s not true. If Landon wants to mess around, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my feelings off like he does? Like Madison does?
I decide to wear the short jean skirt that Landon loves and the flowing black off the shoulder top and a pair of black boots. I sweep my hair up into a messy bun and leave a few strands of hair out. I apply just a little makeup and I’m ready to go in twenty minutes. I grab my light jacket with the hood since it’s raining and I’m out the door.
The walk is short to Tim’s. When I get there the party is in full swing. Holden is out on the front lawn talking to a bunch of the guys from the team. I look around and don’t see Landon.
“Hey, Macy,” Declan says as I walk past the group.
He’s talked to me a time or two but he never went out of his way to say anything to me before and it takes me a few seconds to catch up.
“Hey.”
The rest of the guys turn to look at me. Holden, who is by far the best looking one of the group in front of me, smirks. He nods his chin in a greeting.
I smile and look back to Declan. “Landon in there?”
Declan’s eyes fall to the ground and gives a little nod. A shiver comes over me and I wrap my arms around myself needing the warmth. The protectiveness.
“Thanks.”
I walk away and I hear one of them say, “Landon’s a fucking idiot.”
I step into the house and m
y eyes take a second to adjust to the darkness. The bass of the song matches the thump in my chest. I walk into the living room and stand behind the couch looking around for Heather or Landon, hell, even Cash at this point.
My eyes scan the room.
My hands rest on the back of the couch.
My heart is hammering.
I can feel the room shifting.
My body leans against the couch.
My hands grip the back of the couch tighter. They’re cold and clammy.
I spot Heather in a corner talking to a few girls. She doesn’t see me just yet.
I see people flowing in and out of the kitchen with their cups full of beer.
My breaths are coming in shorter pants.
Then my eyes spot the number ten jersey. I see his lean body; I would know that body anywhere. I let my eyes roam down his body. I gasp when I see a pair of tan legs wrapped around his waist.
The music fades.
My heartbeat stops.
All the air from my lungs rushes out.
Landon has some girl pushed up against the wall. His hand is on her thigh under her skirt.
Landon must feel my gaze burning into the back of his head. He turns and his eyes land on me. I let the anger take over. I replace it with the heartache he is causing. He’s cut me deep, so deep.
The memories of prom flash through my mind.
Landon moves his hand and her legs fall from around his waist. I see her lips moving but Landon turns and walks away. He’s not hearing her or maybe he’s ignoring her.
I need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t let him near me. I open the front door and step outside. It’s raining harder. Declan, Holden and the rest of the guys are now standing on the porch.
“You okay, Macy?” Declan asks.
It sounds muffled like he’s talking through a tunnel. I look up to the sky. It’s dark like my mood, like my life. Without answering I start running down the stairs towards the street. I pull the hood of my jacket up shielding myself from the rain, the cold, but it doesn’t faze me. The bitterness from the cold slips into me and starts to crystalize the blood pumping through my body aiding me in shutting the emotions off, the torment of what I’ve seen, an image that can’t be unseen. How would he feel if these roles were reversed? If that was Holden or Will who had my legs wrapped around their waist, their hands up my skirt. How dare he…how fucking dare he?
A car coming down the street heading in the direction I’m going lights up the street. I step into the street. The car slams on its brakes as they spot me. I take off when I hear the door to Tim’s slam shut. I dash across the street towards the park that I passed on the way here. My heart starts pounding. I hear the swooshing in my ears. Fuck! The park is dark and eerie, somewhere I shouldn’t be by myself. I know this but I go anyway.
Landon catches up to me, “Macy.”
I don’t stop running. I go quicker, needing to flee.
“Macy, stop.” The wind picks up and pushes my hood off my head.
I spin around, my eyes narrow, body taut, ready for a battle. I start to shake my head. “You stop, Landon. Just go back to whatever her name is. Do you even know her name?”
He tries to look innocent. “I wasn’t doing anything.”
I fold my arms across my chest and laugh dryly, “Yeah, it didn’t look like you were doing anything. Did you feel how wet she was? How wet you made her from just giving her the time of day?”
I’m livid. He’s a fucking idiot if he thinks he can tell me he wasn’t doing anything.
“Yeah, she was wet. So what? Does it hurt you to know I made her wet?”
He wants to be the cocky asshole that he is to everyone else. Well, fuck that. Turning away from him I start to walk away. I take a few short steps and Landon blocks my path.
He nods towards his truck, “Let me take you home. You shouldn’t be walking out here by yourself.”
I shake my head, “Fuck you. I’d rather be out here in the rain then be anywhere near you.”
Landon nods, agreeing. “You hate me that much?”
I scrunch my nose up in disgust. “I hate you more than you will ever know, Landon.”
He smirks, “Good, we’re getting somewhere.”
I try to step around him but he blocks me again. I try again when he reaches forward grabbing me around my waist. I try to bat his hands away but he lifts me off the ground and throws me over his shoulder.
I pound on his back screaming, fighting, to get down. “Put me down or so help me God, Landon.”
We reach his truck that is parked just a little bit away. He opens the passenger side door and places me on the seat. I try to get up but Landon pins me with a look.
“I’m not going anywhere with you.” I repeat for what seems like the hundredth time.
Landon slams the door shut and walks around the truck. I reach for the door handle and open the door. I swing my legs over the seat and I’m about to hop down when he grabs my arm stopping me.
“I’m taking you home.” He says coldly. He puts the keys in the ignition but doesn’t start it. Turning his head to the side he takes me in.
My body trembles and I run my hands up and down my legs. “Let’s go. Take me home so I can get out of these soaking wet clothes.”
“I’ll show you wet.” Landon mumbles under his breath.
I gasp, my eyes finding his, and I see the seriousness in them.
“In your dreams.” I huff and sit back adjusting my shirt. I try to hide from him. There is no hiding though. Landon sees the hurt, the pain, the darkness. Landon leans over, his body like a magnet, and slips his hand around my neck. I don’t move, don’t pull away. I should but I don’t.
I tremble. I hate that he has this control over me. I thought after my pep talk to myself earlier that I would be able to check my feelings but I should have known better. Landon has a spell over me.
He places a hand on my knee and kisses me. His tongue slips into my mouth as his hand inches up my thigh.
Stop him Macy. Don’t let him do this.
Landon reaches my panties and pushes them aside. I can’t do this.
I push Landon’s arm. “You can’t do this after you just had your fucking hand up that bitch’s skirt, Landon.” My words burn him. I’ve never told him no when it came to anything sexual before. “If you want some go back to that piece of trash. You seemed to have been having a good time with her. You weren’t thinking about me.”
He doesn’t answer me at first. Just stares into my blue grey eyes that used to be so light, so carefree. But he dimmed them, damn near darkened them.
“You, Macy. It’s always you.”
I suck in a breath, shocked by his admission. “I wish I believed you, Landon.”
He nods, “I wished you did too.”
I sit there in my seat, quiet. I’m contemplating everything he just said to me and I’m pissed at myself for giving into him, for allowing him to give me that little bit of pleasure. Pissed I let myself feel. The power he has over me regardless of how fucking angry I am at him is almost overwhelming. I yearn for what was, yet I’m reduced to being satisfied with what we are.
I reach for the door handle. I’m about to run. I have to get away from him or I’ll just let him take me home and let him have his way with me.
Landon stares straight ahead when he says, “You running to Cash now?”
This time it’s me who smirks, “Maybe I am.”
His eyes train on the street lights casting the tree shadows over the hood. “Are you fucking him and not me?”
Huffing and shaking my head I open the door. I turn my body so my legs are dangling over the seat. “I’m fucking whoever I want, Landon. The dead fish that you seem to be isn’t quite doing it anymore. At least Cash is about something. At least he’s trying to live his life.”
And then I’m sliding out of the truck and running down the street back towards the party.
The rain has fizzled to a mist. As I approach Tim’s house I see
Declan wrap an arm around Heather and they go back inside. I don’t want to ruin her night after probably ruining the game for her earlier. I don’t want to go home yet either so I sit down on the front steps.
A little while later I spot Cash out front. He sees me and a warm smile presents itself. He’s exactly what I need tonight. A friend.
“You okay?” He asks bumping into my shoulder.
When he asks it’s like a dam opens up. “I’m going to kill Landon. I hate him so much sometimes.”
Cash looks scared, like he doesn’t know what to say to comfort me but he doesn’t need to say anything, him just being here is enough.
“I know of a party!” He says a little too loud. Cash is well on his way to being drunk. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s a riot. And it’s exactly what I need.
We go three houses down to another party. A party I know Landon’s not going to be at.
Cash gets us beer and we sit down on the steps that lead upstairs. My mind drifts back to Landon and Madison on prom. It’s always that night for me. It’s a memory that will never go away.
Could that have been Cash and me in that closet finding comfort? Could I ever turn off my feelings enough to be with Cash like Landon was going to do with Madison?
“Do you ever think about us together?”
Cash looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and at this point I think I have.
I shrug. “What?”
“Me and you?”
I nod.
“No,” he answers a little too quickly. “Never.”
I shouldn’t be surprised by his answer but it hurts a little bit. I’m just like Madison in appearances. Why couldn’t he think of me like that?
“Oh.” I roll my head side to side feeling like an idiot.
“Well, fuck, I didn’t mean it like that, Macy but it’s the whole bros before ho’s thing.” Cash throws an arm around my shoulder trying to soften the blow. “I just meant that you’re like my sister in so many ways that it would be weird to think of you as anything else.”
Saylor, Cash’s roommate, and Austin, another teammate of Cash’s, find us and we start doing shots. We’re carrying on having a good time when my phone beeps. I pull it out of my pocket and see it’s a text from Landon.
Forever Love Page 31