Forever Love

by Chelsea Landon

  The living room has a huge flat screen and it leads into the dining area and off of that is a long wraparound porch. Macy and I used to go out there and watch the sun set. It was always perfect.

  The five bedrooms were upstairs and each has its own theme. There was one bathroom in the hallway and one in the master suite. The half bath was downstairs. In the master bedroom there were high ceilings and it had a loft that overlooked the living room. Jackie used to tease us and tell us she would know if anyone was having sex and not to try it. She couldn’t hear anything because I know for a fact Madison and Cash and I’m sure Steven and Alexa had sex in there. Macy and I never did though. We always had sex in the hammock or out of the beach when everyone was sleeping.

  December 9, 2013

  Everyone is down walking along the beach but I stay back. I need to make a phone call to my dad. I was a pussy and couldn’t talk to him about this face-to-face.

  “Hello?” My dad answers on the second ring.

  “Hey, Dad,” I clear my throat. “You got a second to talk?”

  I hear shuffling around in the background and mom asking who was on the phone. Dad tells her and then I hear a door click shut.

  “What’s going on, Landon?”

  I sigh and drop down into a chair on the deck. “I fucked up, Dad.”

  He takes a deep breath, “Tell me what happened.”

  I unload the story about taking the drug test, failing, the school taking my scholarship and not being able to play in the Bowl game. When I finish it’s so quiet I’m sure he hung up. I left the part out about Macy thinking she might be pregnant. I’m not trying to give him a heart attack.

  “I’m not letting this stop you, Landon.” I hear him scribbling something down. “I’ll file for an appeal as soon as I can but only if you get help, Landon.”

  I’m stunned, “You’re not angry?” I thought he would be fucking pissed.

  “I’m not happy about this. We didn’t raise you this way but you’ve got too much talent to waste. You’re a good kid with a good heart. Forgive yourself.” I let his words sink in. He doesn’t think I’m a fuck up. My dad still truly cares about me. “You’re dealing with losing your best friend, kid. I don’t agree with it but what can I do? We tried to get you the best help we could but you wouldn’t take it so your mother and I sat back and just let you do your thing.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “I love you, kid.”

  I haven’t told him in a long time that I loved them and actually felt the emotion behind it. “I love you too, Dad.”

  Later that night Macy and I are lying on the sand near the fire pit trying not to freeze our asses off. I tried talking her in to going inside with everyone else but she wasn’t feeling it.

  “It was pretty cool what we did tonight to remember Steven.” I say into Macy’s neck trying to keep my nose warm.

  “Yeah, it was. I think it was good for all of us.”

  “Yeah, it was.”

  Macy’s eyes look like diamonds against the flames of the fire. In a way she’s my flame and I’ll always gravitate towards her. She’s the sun after the rain but she doesn’t get that with me. My heart is like the desert though, it never sees the water.

  She reaches over and places a hand on my arm. “What are you thinking about?”

  I waggle my eyebrows, “The hammock. Want to give it another try? See if we still have it?”

  Macy rolls her eyes, “I know I’ve still got it but I don’t think you can hang.”

  “Ahh, you got jokes I see.”

  She winks.

  I roll onto my back and stare up to the sky. It’s a clear cold night with the stars shining brightly. “I didn’t treat you right, Macy, not the way I should have.” She’s quiet. “I took your love for granted. When you gave me your virginity our sophomore year I didn’t realize then what you were sharing with me.” I huff. “I should have loved you more but I didn’t take the time. I didn’t realize what was right in front of me.”

  Macy crawls over and lies against my side and holds my hand.

  “See,” I try to smile but it fails. “I should have done that. I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” My throat feels tight.

  “Landon, you are. This is you and I love you with your flaws and all. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here.” Macy squeezes my hand. “I’ve been holding on hoping that one day you’d see me again. You’d come back to me.”

  “My light. You’re my light in the darkness.”

  Macy’s eyes glass over. “Landon, I’m all out of tears. I’m crumbling and for once I need you. I. Need. You.”

  I roll over and kiss her with no hesitation. “I’m here, baby.”

  I rest my forehead on hers. “I love you, Landon.”

  All the fight leaves me, I am no longer angry. I am nothing without Macy in my life and it’s taken passing through the gates of hell to get to this point. “I love you too.”

  I lie back and Macy lays her head on my chest. We’re quiet for some time.

  “Are we okay?” I ask.

  She sighs, “We’re always okay.”

  “Well, that’s a problem.”

  “I’m just thankful I have you. All the other shit can be worked out.”

  That night Macy and I slept out in the hammock. We never did find out if we still have it but I know we do. That night wasn’t about that. It was about us finding our way back to each other. It was about finding my forever light.

  December 10, 2013

  I loved waking up this morning listening to the waves crash onto the shore but most of all finding myself in Landon’s arms. I get up early that morning and cooked everyone breakfast. I couldn’t pass up the chance to use the kitchen again. Now we’re all walking down on the beach. Cash and I have fallen back behind the rest of them.

  Cash bumps into my shoulder. “You’re gonna do it, right?”

  I don’t answer him because I don’t know. I don’t know if I can sing in front of thousands of people even if it is for all of us in one way or another.

  “I’ll talk to coach when we get back.”

  I glance over at Cash, “I never said I’m going to do it.”

  Cash smiles, “But you never said you weren’t.”

  I walk away without another word. He knows I’m going to do it. I’m doing it for all of us.

  December 14, 2013

  After my first final, Will and I walk out together. I asked if he’d like to go to lunch. The look on his face told me I might be leading him on but I need to let him down as gently as possible. I still want to be friends with him but nothing more.

  We grab our lunches and take a seat at one of the empty tables. I tap my straw on the table pushing the paper back on it. I stick it in my cup and take a sip.

  Will is watching my every move. He reminds me of a skittish cat. He goes to take a bite out of his sandwich and it just falls into his lap. It’s like the thing weighs a ton and he couldn’t hold it up anymore. I laugh because I can’t help it.

  “Damn.” Will mutters. He stands and brushes the lettuce and tomato off his pants. The mayo from his sandwich just so happens to land right on his crotch. It just makes the whole situation funnier. I can’t even raise my hand to give him a napkin because I’m laughing so hard.

  Finally, after five minutes of continuous laughing I calm down enough to hand Will my extra napkins.

  I wipe under my eyes. “You okay?”

  Will looks my direction and smiles. “I love hearing your laugh.”

  I blush and look away. This is going to be a harder let down then I realized.

  Will sits and tries his soda and I can see he’s holding it pretty tight since his finger tips are white. “So,” he starts as I look past his shoulder. “How did you do on the final?”

  I take a deep breath. The longer I wait the harder it’s going to be. “Will,” I clear my throat. “I didn’t bring you to lunch to talk about finals.”

  “Uh-huh.” He says like he already knows what I�
�m about to say.

  “I’m just going to come out and say it. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I need to make sure we’re on the same page.” I take a deep breath again. “We can only be friends, Will. It’s all I can offer. I know we shared that lap dance and it was…good and all but that’s where it has to stop. It can’t happen again. And I’m sorry about your glasses too.”

  I brace myself not knowing where this is going to go.

  Will takes another sip of his soda before setting it down. “I understand. I figured after that awkward dance that we were better off as friends. Honestly.”

  I sigh in relief. I decide to joke around and keep the mood light with us. “You know you like my moves.” I say laughing.

  He throws his napkin at me. “Yeah, you’re right. I think we should try again.”

  This time I throw the napkin back at Will and groan. “Will.”

  He holds his hands up in surrender. “Just kidding,” he smirks. “Thanks for talking to me about this though and not just avoiding me. I understand that your heart belongs to Landon.

  “My girl gave you a lap dance?” Landon says scaring the shit out of the both of us.

  Will’s eyes are as big as saucers. He’s looking all around until Landon steps out from behind him with a smirk of his own on his gorgeous face.

  “I…uh…” Will stammers.

  Landon puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “Relax, man.” Will doesn’t. “Just keep your hands off my girl from this point on and we’ll be okay. Got it?”

  I thought Landon would be pissed if he found out about the lap dance. I mean it wouldn’t have been right. His lips have touched their fair share of half the girls here on campus.

  Will nods.

  The rest of lunch went well. Landon and Will were actually joking around with each other by the end of it.

  I’m glad that’s over with.

  Landon and I are hanging out in my room after our last class of the day. He’s got his head in my lap and I’m running my hands through his hair.

  Landon is restless. “I’ve got something I need to talk to you about.”

  I nod and keep running my hands in his hair. “I’m definitely suspended and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes. It’s mandatory.”

  I knew this would happen deep down. Landon has been struggling for so long it was only a matter of time before he cracked.

  “I also lost my scholarship.”

  That got my attention. “You should have known that was going to happen.” I should have known too but hearing him say it makes it real.

  “I did.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  Landon sits up and turns towards me. “Dad is paying.”

  My eyebrows go up in surprise. Landon’s parents were always a little hard on him but they did it to push him, to make him a better person. “He is? Is he pissed off?”

  Landon sighs loudly. “Yeah, he was but he said he wasn’t going to let my talent go to waste. He was going to appeal it and see what happens.”

  Later that night I run into Madison. We walk to the nearby coffee shop and grab a cup of coffee. Things are still a little strained between us but it’s getting better. I haven’t completely let her in and in this moment I need my sister so I try. I just pray she doesn’t throw it back in my face.

  “So,” I run my fingertip around the lid of my cup. “I think I might be pregnant.”

  Shock registers across her face and then it’s gone. It is a shock. No one would suspect it would be me who would get pregnant. I’m the one who always thinks things through.

  “Did you take a test?”

  I shake my head. “No, not yet but I will in a few days. I want to give it just a little more time because it started but it was really light and then stopped.” I take a sip of my coffee. “Maybe I’m just stressed out and it’s messing with me.” I wish it were true but I’m not so sure.

  Madison watches me for a few moments. “Well, if you want I’ll go with you.”

  I smile letting her know that her offer means a lot to me. “No I just want to wait just a little bit longer.”

  She nods. “I’ll be here, Macy, when you’re ready.”

  Madison and I finish our coffee and we talk about what we’re going to be doing for Christmas. I’m leaving in the morning to go home. It’s not something I want to do right now, not with my sister, Landon, and Cash staying behind but I need to be there for Alexa. The three of them will be home in the next few days.

  December 27, 2013

  My drug and alcohol classes are set with a little help from my Dad. He made a few calls and set everything up for me. It was one less thing on my plate that I didn’t have to worry about. I’ll start them about the same time classes start back up. The season will be over so life will be a little less crazy. He’s also started my appeal. I’m not sure if it’ll do any good but it’s worth a shot.

  I feel like shit that I’ve let so many people in my life down, myself included. If this appeal goes through it will be the best thing for me. It will me my little slither of hope again at making it in life and not being a fuck up.

  The morning Macy left campus for winter break she stopped at my door after I sent her a text asking her to.

  Macy knocked before she pushed my bedroom door opened. She stepped in and shut it behind her. When she looked over at me her eyes go directly to the whiskey and weed that’s sitting next to me on the bed.

  “It’s not what it looks like.” I defended myself.

  She nodded and came to stand in front of me. I pulled her down onto my lap. “I need you for this part.”

  She wrapped her arms around me. “Whatever you need.”

  I looked towards the bathroom and nodded. I didn’t have to say that I wanted to dump it all because she stood up and grabbed the stuff and walked into my bathroom.

  She put everything in the sink and leaned on the door near the toilet. “You have to do it, Landon.”

  She was right. I had to be the one to do it.

  I started with the whiskey first. I unscrewed the lid and tossed it in the trash and watched as every ounce emptied out. I flushed it and then grabbed the baggy of weed. I opened it and tossed the weed in the toilet next. I stopped with my hand on the handle. I looked over to Macy. “I’m sorry I chose this over you, Macy.”

  She smiled sadly.

  I flushed the last of my drugs away. I feel bare, exposed that I have nothing to hide behind now. I’ve got to deal with everything head on. I’ve got to rely on myself from here on out if I’m ever going to do right by Macy again. Even our could-be baby. For Steven. For all of us.

  “I love you, Landon.” Macy said.

  “I love you too.”

  I went home to Canby for Christmas. It was quiet for the most part. I felt lost. I’ve been numb for so long I forgot what normal feels like. I’ve been getting high for years. It calms the storm within me.

  Macy and I slept together every night that I was home last week. It was the only way I could sleep. Not having something to relax me every day is leaving me with some anxiety. My biggest fear is that I won’t be enough for her. It’s not the darkness that scares me anymore; I’m used to that. It’s the light. It’s her.

  Back at school I’m sitting on the bench in the locker room lost in my own world. I know I’m not playing in the Bowl but I’m still part of this team and I’m not leaving them high and dry. So I’ve been practicing with them every day.

  Cash comes in and claps me on the shoulder. “You want to have a beer tonight? Just one?”

  I shouldn’t but one won’t hurt me. Plus, I’ll be with Cash and I know for a fact that that’s all he’ll let me have.

  “Yeah.”

  “Wanna go to Taylor’s?”

  Cash and I change and make our way to Taylor’s. It’s time I come clean with Cash. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”

  He nods, “What are you going to do?”

  “My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can
stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity reports showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be less if I appeal. My dad appealed.”

  “That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”

  “I suppose.” I hate that I’ve done this to my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t. “I’m not going to the game.”

  Cash frowns at me. “Why not?”

  “It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”

  “You did.”

  It’s the truth.

  “What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send the team?”

  He’s got a point and I nod. I don’t answer him though. Cash has always been straightforward with me. He doesn’t bullshit. He flipped the tables and now I see it from his point of view and I know then that I’m going to that game. To be there for him and my brothers.

  December 30, 2013

  San Antonio, TX

  Valero Alamo Bowl

  Being back with the team seems a little unreal and nightmarish at the same time. I didn’t want to go and I don’t feel like I should even be here surrounded by them. I didn’t think I deserved to go but after Cash talked me into it and pointed out that I was still a part of the team whether I was suspended or not I thought it was best to support my team.

  Coach was actually proud of me.

  “It’s about time you got your head out of your ass, son.” Coach Lander says with a smile, trying to put me at ease.

  I put my hands up letting him know this wasn’t all me. It wasn’t me at all. I would have never done this without Cash. “Well, if it wasn’t for Cash giving me a pep talk… I wouldn’t be here.”

  He waves his hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. You’re coming around, Landon, that’s all that matters. We’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Next year is a whole new season. You’re biggest season ever. NFL scouts will be watching your every move. You’re always in the limelight but hopefully with your appeal it will be overlooked.”