I looked at the woman as if she had asked me if I wanted to jump into a pit of snakes. The fear must have been apparent on my face because Renee almost physically flinched. Did I want to meet my son? Of course I wanted to see my son. How could I not? That wasn’t the question. The question was: should I meet him? What damage would be done? Would the pain and misery that I seemed to wear like a shroud be passed down the bloodline to my son? He should be protected. He could be the one honestly good part to survive me of this world. He didn’t need to be tainted by association with me. In the end I convinced myself of a thousand reasons why I should have said no. A hundred thousand logical, practical reasons, but in the end I found my lips saying four simple words. I couldn’t help myself. They just came out.
“Of course, I do.”
Renee looked at me strangely as if trying to reconcile the information she was seeing on my face with the words I had said. It took her what seemed like an eternity before she responded.
“He’s through there.” She pointed towards a door to my left.
I had faced down armoured tanks with less fear than that simple wooden door. It took everything I had to walk calmly over to the door and open it. Renee’s eyes never left me. The expression on her face was difficult to discern; she was obviously concerned for her son, but she needn’t have worried. I wasn’t going to hurt the boy. But there was something else behind her eyes too, something elusive. I couldn’t figure it out.
Beyond the door was a smaller room that had been converted into a TV room. A large TV dominated the far wall and a series of small couches surrounded the rest of the room. The TV was showing early morning superhero cartoons. I vaguely remembered watching the same kinds of shows when I was his age. My son was sitting with his back to me, facing the TV, engrossed in the show. I could probably have burst through the door with an explosion behind me and the kid wouldn’t have budged an inch. I smiled thinly. I had been the same.
I couldn’t see much of my son from this angle, other than the back of his head. He had dark hair like mine. I moved around to one of the couches, careful not to disturb the boy. I slowly sat down, noting that boy still hadn’t acknowledged my presence. From this angle I could see more of my son and my breath caught in my chest as I finally saw his face.
There was no doubt about it; in the profile of my son I could clearly see my father’s face. The curve of his nose and the weird expression on his face when he was concentrating was the spitting image of my father. I could see Renee in there too: the twisting curl of his lips was his mothers’, but the real evidence was in the eyes. He had the Wills’ eyes, deep blue irises that seemed like they were made from ice. He had my father’s eyes – he had my eyes. He was my son. Not that I had any doubts, but now I knew it to be true. I had expected to see some similarities between myself and the boy, but I hadn’t expected to see my father. I curled my hands into fists as I sought to get my emotions back under control. I couldn’t afford to break down into tears now.
The sound of laser gun fire from the TV rose to a crescendo. The heroes appeared to be involved in a massive fire fight with an overwhelming army of aliens.
“They’ll all survive you know,” my son commented to me. “They always do.”
He seemed disappointed by this fact. He wasn’t expecting an answer from me, merely informing me of the story. He’d obviously seen this before - the TV was hooked up to a DVD player. This made sense; I doubted that any of the major television networks were still active, even this far from the war.
“I’m Ethan Wills,” my son continued, never taking his eyes from the TV. “What’s your name?”
My heart caught in my throat again; I hadn’t expected he would have my surname. I also didn’t know how to respond to his question. Should I lie, should I tell the truth? I had no idea. Before I could respond, the boy had moved onto a different question.
“Have you seen this show?” Ethan continued. “It’s not very good, but it’s my favourite. We can watch something else though, if you want.”
He gestured towards a pile of DVDs stacked up next to the TV. All the while his eyes never left the TV. The fire fight was almost over and Ethan had been right - it looked like the heroes would all survive.
“I think I’ve seen this before,” I murmured. “But we can watch whatever you want.”
Ethan finally took his first look at me. It took everything I had not to flinch as his small features turned their gaze upon me. He inspected me for a few seconds before an explosion happened on the TV, drawing his attention back to the screen.
“Are you an army man?” he asked curiously, noting my uniform.
“Not anymore,” I replied, trying to keep my tone light.
“You’re wearing the costume,” he accused.
“I used to be,” I amended quickly. The boy didn’t miss a beat.
“Oh?” Ethan murmured as if this was only mildly interesting. “Did you fight in any battles?”
“Yes,” I whispered, hoping like hell he would change the topic.
“Is it like it is on TV?” He gestured towards the screen.
“No,” I murmured.
“I didn’t think so.” Ethan smiled to himself as if he’d just figured out something very clever.
“What’s your name anyway?” Ethan asked suddenly. “You never answered before.”
“Devon,” I murmured. “My name is Devon.”
This seemed to stop the boy in his tracks. He turned from the TV to stare at me, his small face twisted as I could see the suspicion forming in his mind. I immediately cursed myself. Why had I given him my real name?
“My daddy’s name was Devon too,” Ethan began. “But he’s dead. He died in the war.”
“I know,” I gasped. Those two words were all that I could force from my lips. Every fibre of my being wanted me to proclaim myself as the kid’s father. I wanted it so much it hurt. It hurt more than anything else I’d ever experienced, but it wasn’t about me. What would it do to this kid if his father returned, only to run off again? It could destroy him, and I wasn’t going to risk that.
“Oh?” Ethan smiled sadly. “Did you know him?”
“I knew of him,” I lied quickly.
“What was he like?” Ethan paused the TV. “Mummy said that he was a great man.”
Did she now? I knew that Renee would be listening in on this conversation from behind the door. I could almost make out her shadow through the gap between the door and the floor. She remained silent, but I could tell that she was there.
“He was,” I began, “and he loved your mummy very much. I think he would have very much liked to have met you.”
“I wish I could have met him too.” Ethan mused. “Mum talks about him sometimes.”
“Does she? What does she say?”
“Just that I’m a lot like him,” Ethan explained. “Though she usually only says that when I’ve been naughty.”
I smiled as I imagined the boy’s childhood. It didn’t seem so bad; he looked almost normal and that wouldn’t have been easy to achieve during these times. It wouldn’t have been easy on Renee to raise a kid during a war. It wouldn’t have been easy to keep him safe from the war raging around them, yet somehow she had done it.
“How did he die?” Ethan’s small voice cut into my reverie.
“He went to war.” I sighed. I didn’t know what else to say. In way I had died.
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” I agreed as I rose to my feet. I wanted to spend all day with the kid, watching stupid cartoons, but I knew that if I did I would come clean and that wasn’t right. The boy deserved the illusion of a loving father who had died during the war, not the truth. I needed time alone to think, to reassess my plans. For the first time in my life I began to make plans, not around what I wanted, but what would be best for another. It had been a long time since I had thought this way.
“Are you going?” Ethan said. “We could put on a different video.”
“Yeah, I’ve got to go Kidd
o,” I murmured, “but I’ll be back.”
“Oh, okay.” Ethan smiled. “I’ll be here.”
“Sure.” I smiled.
“Devon? You knew my father right?” Ethan called out as I moved to go. “Am I like my father?”
I tousled his hair as I moved to the door. “You are what is best of him. You remind me of him a lot. He’d be proud of you I’m sure.”
“That can’t have been easy,” Renee murmured softly as I closed the door. “He’s only just started asking about his father.”
“He’s a good kid,” I replied for want for anything better to say.
“He’s like his dad,” Renee said with a twisted smile. “He drives me crazy at times.”
“And no sign of the Mana?”
Renee shook her head. “No, and I had definitely manifested by his age.”
“I didn’t manifest until I was eighteen,” I reminded her.
“Yes, but you weren’t surrounded by mages,” Renee retorted with a smile. “It wasn’t until you met me. You should have manifested long before you did. You were a time bomb waiting to happen.”
“Yeah,” I replied with a grin. “I’ve often wondered about that. Are you saying that you sparked me?”
“Who knows?” Renee replied. “Not intentionally anyway, but what’s to say that we didn’t meet on a tram in Melbourne all those years ago, before that night in the nightclub, and that I didn’t rub off on you?”
“Makes as much sense as anything else,” I agreed, not particularly liking our detour down memory lane.
“What are you going to do now?” Renee whispered. She had sensed the change in my mood.
“I don’t know,” I said softly. “This changes everything.”
“Kids have a way of doing that,” Renee replied dryly.
“You’re sure he won’t manifest?”
“No way to know for certain,” Renee shrugged, “but it’s not uncommon for mages to produce non-mage kids.”
“Uncommon?” I prompted. The Mana was passed down through bloodlines. I knew as well as Renee did that it was incredibly unusual to find mages who didn’t have mages for parents. My own father had the potential to become a mage, but had burnt out during childhood and never manifested the power. Maybe Ethan would be the same.
“It’s been known to happen,” Renee amended.
And that was the crux of it. Was I prepared to bet my son’s life on that gamble? Ethan was the progeny of three of the most powerful mage families known. It was probably arrogance to include my own family within that list, but both my sister and I had become powerful enough to challenge the old masters. Ethan’s grandfather was Marcus Devereaux, son of the Primea, and his great grandfather was Victor Whittlesea. No, this boy could not possibly be anything but a mage. I knew it. I knew it with every fibre of my being. It was inevitable. But we still had time, the boy hadn’t manifested. Victor would have no interest Ethan until he did. We still had time. I could wait. For the sake of my son, I would wait.
I didn’t have to wait long.
* * * * * *
Seven hours and forty-three minutes. It wasn’t fair how little time I had had, but I deserved no less. It’s funny how things work out. I had made the decision to stay with Renee and Ethan, to help them as best I could until the time came, but I thought I might have years. I certainly hadn’t expected it to happen the second night I was there. I hadn’t told Renee of my plans. I hadn’t even really formulated them myself. We had just begun dinner. It had again been a small meal of vegetables from the garden. Perhaps meat was hard to come by.
“Do you grow all this yourself?” I murmured, before placing a piece of broccoli into my mouth.
Renee nodded. “We grow all our own food. There is farmland for miles in each direction.”
“Do you often eat out here?” I continued. I knew that I was asking stupid questions, but I was desperate to keep talking.
“Normally we eat as a family.” Renee smiled. “But tonight, for some strange reason, everyone else has found something else to do.”
“Strange,” I commented.
“Isn’t it?” Renee agreed.
“Renee…” I began, but she cut me off.
“Don’t,” Renee snapped.
I stopped in my tracks. For a single second we stared at each other and our defences were down. I could see through her anger, through her pride, and I could see the woman I remembered – the woman who had loved me. I was sure she could see past my shields. She could see the things I had done. They must have been reflected in my eyes. She must have seen the evil I had become. And yet, as I looked at her, I could see that it didn’t matter. She knew me, she didn’t care what I had done. She loved me anyway. She still damned loved me.
“Say whatever it is you were going to say,” Renee finished lamely.
“I was going to say thank you,” I murmured softly.
I don’t think she had expected that. Her eyes flashed, and in a second her defences were back in place. I could see nothing through the stone wall that she had erected across her face.
“Do you think…” I began.
“No,” Renee stated. I hadn’t managed to get out what I had been going to say, but I didn’t need to. Renee had never needed me to say what I was thinking. She had always known.
“I don’t think it could have worked out any differently,” Renee whispered sadly. “As much as I once thought it could have.”
“No,” I agreed. “I was too young and too obsessed with my own power to listen to anything anyone said. Had you told me you were going to have my child, I probably still would have left. I would have promised to return, but we both know how empty a promise that would turn out to be.”
“I should have gone with you,” Renee murmured. “But I was angry and you seemed determined to kill yourself.”
“I was,” I muttered. The truth of it seemed plain to me now. There was no denying it. “You were right. Had you come with me, you would have been swept up in this, and our son…” I couldn’t finish that thought.
We stopped and stared in silence at each other for the next few minutes, but it wasn’t the same. Our walls were up. Nothing was getting through. I desperately wanted to lower my walls, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how.
“Do you still love me?” Renee whispered. With those five words she found a way to break through my defences. She shattered them. Before I could answer, Renee continued. “I hated you. I hated you for so long. I hated you for being weak, for leaving me, for a hundred reasons. I hated you right up until I saw you talking with our son. You didn’t tell him who you were. You did what was best for him.”
“It’s not about what I want,” I murmured. “It’s never been about me.”
Renee’s eyes were hard. “And because it’s not about you, you will leave him again. I can see it in your eyes. You’re not here for your son. I don’t know why you’re here. The war has brought you here and the war will take you again. Don’t you understand? It’s always been about you. You and your decisions. It’s never not been about you.”
“What kind of father could I be?” I said, discarding my previous plans of staying in that moment.
“His.” Renee’s words were cold.
She was right, of course she was right, and unfortunately I never got to reply. I never got to tell Renee how much I longed to stay with her and my son.
“Renee, come quick!” May burst onto the balcony. Mana flared in both Renee and me as if preparing for an attack. At first I had assumed it was an attack, as May was responsible for the defence of the estate - but it was worse than that. May led us back into the house and towards one of the bedrooms. She flung open the door to a child’s bedroom. Renee pushed past me to go to her son, who was thrashing under his covers.
“He’s got a fever,” May gasped. “And…”
She let that sentence go unsaid. Upon the boy’s chest were small particles of Mana. It had begun. The boy was wracked with feverish spasms and his sheets had almost been pus
hed onto the floor. Renee wiped sweat from the boy’s forehead and tried to keep his spasms from sending him falling from the bed.
“Renee, we can’t be here,” I murmured, but she ignored me.
The particles were forming in the centre of his chest and slowly moving outwards. They were faint but clearly visible. It was a testament to Ethan’s future power that the particles could be seen so clearly so early in the process. Judging by the way the Mana was forming, he was going to be powerful indeed. I wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or not.
Renee was desperately trying to follow the path of the Mana on the boy’s chest almost as if she thought she could eradicate the process before it began. She wouldn’t be able to stop it without causing Ethan harm. She murmured the words “No, no, no, no” like a mantra as a new particle formed. I doubted she was thinking rationally right now. She knew as I did that her grandfather would now take an interest in our son.
“Renee!” I snapped. “We must leave. It’s dangerous!”
“I know!” Renee snarled as she tore herself away from her son. “Don’t you think I know that?”
While he was in this state, any exposure to Mana could possibly be fatal for the boy. When my sister had manifested, I hadn’t known what was happening and I remained close. It had almost killed her; it was only when she was taken to hospital and I had been unable to tend her that she recovered. I hadn’t known any of this at the time of course, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with my son.
“We will need a nurse,” May whispered from the doorway. “Someone who can care for him while he’s feverish.”
“Where’s the closest hospital?”
“There’s a medical facility in town…” May began, but she didn’t have time to finish her sentence - I’d already teleported out.
It didn’t take me long to find the hospital, although the word “hospital” was pushing the term. I teleported into the alley at the side of the building and made my way around to the main entrance. It wasn’t a large building, but it had the Red Cross sign displayed on the front door. It would have to do. I burst through the doors and into the foyer in fury, the door almost exploding with force as I passed into the waiting room.
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