“Liv, just throw some clothes in a bag and you can stay with us at the hotel,” she says softly.
“I want to stay the night here mom,” I tell her through more tears.
“Honey, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” she says rubbing my back.
“I need to, please?” I say, though it sounds like a whisper.
“Fine, but we will pick you up later on,” she says not looking happy with my decision.
It’s already going on 7:30 a.m., I know I won’t be able to sleep, but I just want to be alone.
I head inside the house. I’m not surprised when a bunch of the girls run up saying how sorry they are, asking if there’s anything they can do.
“I just want to be left alone for now, “I say through tears as I drag myself to my bedroom, the bedroom I shared just last night with my best friend.
I crawl into Brynn’s bed and sob into her pillow. It smells of my best friend, my best friend who I’ll never get to laugh with, cry with, and argue with.
I pull the picture of us off her nightstand and hug it to my chest and continue to cry.
Before I know it, I’m being woken up, and I see my mom sitting on the edge of the bed with red puffy eyes.
“Sweetie, we are going to head back, dad and Frank are going to drive your car and I’m going to drive you, me, and Jill back home. Do you want to pack a bag, or do you want me to do it for you?” she asks sadly.
“I’ll get it, just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready to go,” I say as I get out of Brynn’s bed.
“Jill’s waiting in the car, she couldn’t come in here, so I will keep her company while you get packed,” she says before heading out my bedroom door.
I stare at my closet, what the hell do I pack. How long am I planning on staying at home? So many questions and yet I have no answers.
I throw a bunch of clothes and under garments in a bag and grab the picture I was holding when I fell asleep and head out of my bedroom.
“Liv,” Soph says with red puffy eyes, “I’ll be up on Monday. If there’s anything I can do let me know,” she says as she pulls me into a hug, tears rolling down her cheeks.
I just nod my head and hug her back, then make my way down the stairs and out the door without talking to anyone.
I crawl in the backseat with my stuff, never saying a word.
The drive back home takes forever. I spend my time staring out the window, watching life pass by.
My mom tries to hold a conversation with me and Jill, but it’s useless, neither one of us wants to talk.
By the time we get home it’s going on 11 p.m. I hug Brynn’s parents before heading inside my house. I head inside, up the stairs and straight to my room.
Looking around the room I see all the pictures I have of me, Brynn and our friends from high school. They are everywhere; my desk is covered with pictures of Brynn and I since we were around ten and up. I look at each one before anger takes control and I throw everything off my desk, mad at the world.
I’m mad at Chad for fighting with her; I’m mad at her for not calling me and trying to walk home, but I’m mostly mad at myself, if only I would have went to the damn club with her, she would still be here.
She promised she’d never leave and yet she’s gone.
I sit on my floor crying big, fat, ugly tears. I would give anything to have my best friend back.
The next two days are a blur. Mom and dad check on me, but it’s pointless. I’m not hungry, I’m not in the mood to hang out, I don’t want to talk. I just want left alone, so they let me alone.
I turned my phone off, it wouldn’t stop ringing. I get it, people are worried and want to help, but you can’t help, you can’t change the outcome. All I want is to be left alone. Is that so much to ask?
I’m lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling when there’s a knock on the door. I choose to ignore it, hoping whoever it is will go away.
“Hey,” Sophie says as she peaks her head in my door.
I nod in her direction.
Her eyes are still puffy and red showing she’s been crying a lot. I understand, she knew Brynn better than all the other sisters, other than me, of course.
Sophie doesn’t say anything, just lies on my bed beside me, staring at the ceiling.
I’m not sure how long we lay like this, and eventually she speaks up.
“What the hell do you do in this town? I saw nothing but freaking farms,” she says, causing me to laugh for the first time in days.
“What, you mean you don’t go cow tipping in Chicago?” I ask with an actual smile.
Soph starts laughing, “Hell no, where I live there’s no farmland.”
“Well you are missing out,” I tell her with a laugh.
“Somehow I highly doubt that,” she says looking all serious.
“Don’t knock it till you try it, or you could always go four wheeling or fishing,” I say surprising her.
“Seriously? I never took you for the redneck type,” she says with a laugh.
I start laughing a full out belly laugh, “Soph, I’m kidding, I don’t do those things. I do normal things, movies, mall, hanging out, and parties.”
“Oh, well I think we should do something. Show me around this tiny town you live in,” she says looking hopeful.
“My mom sent you didn’t she?” I ask, seeing where this is going.
“She’s worried and so am I, but I seriously want to see what you have in this town. When we came through, I didn’t see much of anything,” she says.
“Soph, I’m not really in the mood to go anywhere,” I say, hoping she lets it go.
“Please Liv, you need to get out of this room, you’re kinda starting to smell,” she says, waving her hand in front of her face.
“Shut the hell up,” I say with a laugh as I whack her in the face with a pillow.
“No, seriously, you can tell you haven’t showered in a few days,” she says with a smile.
“You aren’t going to take no for an answer are you?”
“No, I’m not. So go get showered and then you can show me around,” she says as she gets up from my bed and starts looking around at the pictures in my room.
“Can we not have a crowd?” I ask quietly.
“Just you and me, now go shower,” she orders.
I mouth a “thanks” and head into my bathroom to get showered.
After getting a nice hot shower, I throw on black yoga pants with a hoodie and sneakers. I throw my wet hair up in a bun and am ready to go.
“You’re wearing that?” Sophie asks looking me up and down.
“Yea, what’s wrong with it?” I ask, eyeing my outfit.
“Are you taking me cow tipping?” she asks matter of fact.
I laugh, “No, I’m not taking you cow tipping.”
“Then change, because that’s what it looks like,” she says as she starts opening up my dresser drawers. She throws a pair of jeans, and a tee-shirt on the bed, “put that on,” she demands.
I grab the clothes and change into the jeans and tee-shirt and throw my hoodie on over top of the tee-shirt.
Luckily, Soph doesn’t say anything about it. I put a pair of chucks on and head towards the stairs.
“Hey honey, are you hungry?” my mom asks, looking relieved.
“We’ll grab something when we’re out, but thanks,” I tell her, knowing I have no plans of eating anything.
“Oh, alright,” mom says as she comes up and hugs me, “Liv, I love you and I am here for you sweetheart,” she whispers in my ear.
I look up at her, and I can feel the tears start to fill my eyes, “I know mom, thanks,” I say before giving her another hug.
I say bye to dad and walk out to my car with Sophie.
“I’ll drive,” Sophie says out of nowhere.
“And where are you going to drive to?” I ask in a mocking tone.
“Umm, good point, never mind,” she says as she gets in the passenger side.
I drive through t
he tiny town and point out the high school, elementary school, the town square, and few shops we do have here. I show her the hotel as we pass it.
“Yeah, that’s the only hotel in this tiny town,” she says with a laugh.
“Sure is, how do you know that?” I ask surprised.
“That’s where we’re staying,” she says sadly.
“Oh, that makes sense.”
“So where do you want to go eat?” she asks.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“When was the last time you ate?” she says intently.
“Earlier today,” I lie.
“No you didn’t, your mom told me you haven’t eaten in three days,” she says calling me out.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Liv, as your friend, I’m telling you that you need to eat, even if it’s something small.”
“Fine,” I say giving in. The last thing I want is to argue about food when I know I need to eat something. “Could you eat pizza?”
“Sure, that sounds good,” she says with a smile.
I drive to the only pizza shop in our town, park, and get out of the car.
We order and sit in a booth. I see a few people in the shop, but not really anyone I know, thank goodness.
“So, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Sophie says nervously.
“What’s up?”
“Are you planning on coming back to school after err...everything?” she asks looking solemn.
I hadn’t really thought about it, just figured I would go back. I still need my college education.
“Yeah, I’m coming back.” I say quietly.
“Good, because I wanted to see if you would room with me for the rest of the semester?” she asks, looking hopeful.
“What? You room with Megan,” I say surprised.
“Megan and I talked and we think it would be good to change things up a bit. So would you consider rooming with me when we get back?” She says, staring at me.
I just stare back, not sure what to say.
“I don’t want to be rude Sophie, but I want to stay in my room,” I say truthfully.
“I figured as much. I could move into your room,” she says like it’s no big deal.
“Umm…could I think about it?” I ask nervously.
“Yeah, sure. I talked to Lindsay and she said they aren’t moving anyone in with you, unless you say it’s okay. I just thought…well never mind,” she says with a weak smile.
“They didn’t move Brynn’s things out did they?” I ask frantically.
“No, no they didn’t touch anything. Your mom said something about you and her doing that when we go back down.”
“Oh, okay,” I say and then luckily our food gets here. We eat in silence.
Do I want another roommate? No. Would it be wise to have another roommate? Probably not, especially with how I’m feeling right now.
I’m thankful we finish our pizza without visitors. I drop Sophie off at the hotel and head home. I park and start to walk towards the door and then see the treehouse.
I climb the ladder and sit inside the crazy old treehouse I’ve had since I was a little kid.
This use to be Nathan and I’s clubhouse, it was where the cool kids hung out, or so we told ourselves. Once he moved, it took me a while to go back inside until Brynn gave me no choice. She bitched at me and told me to grow a pair, at ten years old. Just thinking of the things she would say and do, makes me laugh.
Damn, I miss you Brynn.
Brynn’s funeral is in two days, not that I’m looking forward to it. Jill asks me if I want to go through her bedroom and take anything I’d like. I don’t want to take anything; I want my best friend back. I want Brynn to yell and bitch at me and tell me to grow a pair.
But she can’t because she’s not here, she’s dead.
The next two days are a blur. I don’t do anything except stay in my room and grieve. I’m not in the mood to do anything. I know I should, but I just feel empty.
I haven’t turned my cell phone on yet and I don’t plan on it either. Today’s the day I’ve been dreading, my best friend’s funeral.
My parents and I are going early because it’s a closed casket due to the severity of the accident, but being like family, Brynn’s parents are allowing us to see her one last time.
My parents don’t want me to see her like this, but I have to. She would see me and say goodbye if the roles were reversed, which I wish they were.
I don’t wish for her to mourn my death, but if things were reversed, it would mean she’s still living, which is what I want.
We make our way into the funeral home and it’s quiet. There’s a curtain pulled in front, hiding her casket, so if people were to show up they wouldn’t see her or us.
Jill and Frank are looking down in the casket, crying. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, but I have to see her, she’s my best friend.
My parents inch me forward, but I stop them.
“Can I say goodbye to her by myself? I ask, barely above a whisper.
“Sure, my mom and dad say as they make their way to her casket beside Jill and Frank. Both of my parents are crying and I know this is going to be the hardest thing I ever have to do, but I need to do it on my own.
After a few minutes, Brynn’s parents and mine walk towards me. Jill pulls me into a hug and sobs onto my shoulder, I give her what comfort I can. What else can I do?
“Are you sure you want to do this on your own sweetie?” my dad asks.
I nod my head yes and the four of them walk out allowing me to see my best friend by myself for the last time.
I slowly make my way up to her casket, not prepared for what I may see.
I make myself look down at her and am shocked by what is lying in the coffin. This is not my Brynn. The cuts, bruises, the girl that’s lying here doesn’t even look like my best friend.
There’s so much make-up on her that she looks like a porcelain doll. I was expecting her to look a lot worse, but in a way she still looks like my best friend just with too much make-up on.
I start crying instantly, not prepared to say goodbye.
After a few minutes of talking to her lifeless body, I tell her, “I’m not saying goodbye to you. We promised no goodbyes. I will see you again, so you better be waiting for me. I love you Brynn, you will always be my best friend.”
I wipe the tears that continue to stream down my face and make my way out to my parents. I pass the Pastor who closes the casket, preparing for the service ahead.
I come out from behind the curtain and am surprised to see how full the room already is. The service doesn’t start for another forty-five minutes, but the room is packed with people waiting to come inside.
I take my seat beside my parents.
At the gravesite is where it hurts to stand. Watching her get lowered into the ground is the worst part to see.
My eyes can’t cry anymore. No more tears will come. I just stare at the box as it goes further and further into the ground.
Everyone around me is sobbing. I see Nathan, surprised he came this far, but then again, it was his best friend’s girlfriend. I also see Ryan, I figured I would, he got to know Brynn when we were dating. He gives me a sad smile and I know he knows how hard this is for me.
After the service at the cemetery, people are all heading to their cars. My parents are hosting the reception following the funeral. Brynn’s parents have enough on their plate with burying their only daughter.
I slowly start to follow my parents to the car when Ryan walks up.
“Liv, I’m so sorry about Brynn,” he says as he pulls me into a hug. I let him, too tired to do anything else. I sob into his shirt, still not believing she’s gone.
I don’t say anything, just cry, and Ryan lets me and holds me tightly. Ryan says something to my parents, I can’t understand through my sobbing.
After a few minutes I get my tears under control and look around to realize everyone is gone, including my parents.
“Ryan, where are my parents?”
“They went home, I told them I would bring you back,” he says.
“Oh,” is all I can say.
“Liv, if there’s anything I can do let me know. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but know you’re not alone,” he says as he kisses the top of my head.
“Thanks Ryan. I just want to go home now, please.”
“Sure, let’s go,” he says as he leads me to his truck, he opens the door and lets me in before making his way around to the driver’s side.
The drive back is quiet and I stare out the window.
“Liv, I was thinking of transferring to UNC next semester,” he says out of nowhere.
My head whips so fast, I’m sure I’ll be in pain tomorrow, “What? Why?” I ask confused.
“I was serious about proving to you that I love you and that we can work. I know what I did was wrong and I will forever be sorry about it, but I promise you, it will never happen again,” he says sincerely.
“Wh-what about football? Your scholarship?”
“I’m gonna see what I can do about those, but if not, then I’ll go to college and not play football,” he says, like it’s no big deal.
“Ryan stop. You can’t, football is your dream and so is USC. There’s no reason for you to transfer schools.”
“Liv, you are my future, it’s what I want,” he says with piercing eyes.
“No Ryan, I-I’m sorry if you think I mislead you, but we aren’t getting back together. Not now, not ever. I don’t think you should transfer schools.”
“I think it would be easier if I went to the same school, then you could see how we are meant to be together,” he says hopeful.
“It won’t be easier Ryan, because nothing’s going to change. You need to stay at USC and play football and move on with your life.”
Thankfully, Ryan pulls up to my house and I hop out before he has a chance to say anything else. I can’t think about what he wants, I can’t think about anything right now but grief I feel over losing Brynn.
Sitting at my house while this reception or wake or whatever the hell you want to call it is happening, I can’t help, but wish I was somewhere else.
After about an hour of listening to people talk, I decide I need a breather and sneak out the door and head to the only place I know I can get my sanity back…the treehouse.
Never Say Goodbye Page 21