I’m not sure how long I sit out here by myself enjoying the peace and quiet while sobbing like a baby, until I get an unexpected visitor.
“Hey,” Nathan says as he climbs inside the treehouse. I’m not even sure how he fits in here anymore, but he somehow manages and sits down across from me.
“Hi,” I mumble through my tears. I wipe my eyes feeling slightly embarrassed. I’m surprised to see him of all people out here.
“How you holding up?” he asks, piercing me with his beautiful blue eyes.
“Not good,” I tell him truthfully.
“I’m sorry about Brynn,” he says kindly. I guess in death people tend to be nice, at least in his case. I’m thankful because I’m not in the mood to be put down or yelled at.
We sit in silence for who knows how long.
I finally find my voice to ask him, “Why are you out here?”
“No one could find you and when I saw the treehouse I thought maybe you would be here,” he says with a small smile.
Did I just see Nathan smile at me? Couldn’t be, I must be losing my mind after all.
“Oh,” is all I say.
“Look O, I know we’ve had our past problems, but I would never wish for you to go through what you’re going through right now,” he says sweetly, shocking the hell out of me.
“And here I thought you wished me a life full of pain and misery,” I retort.
“Ouch, damn, I guess I deserve that.”
“And so much more, you really were an asshole to me and for no good reason,” I tell him.
“No need to talk about that right now. I just wanted to check and see how you’re doing,” he says changing the subject.
“How do you think I’m doing? How am I supposed to be doing? My best friend was killed by a drunk driver. I can’t get her back, she’s gone forever,” I tell him as the tears start falling down my face again.
“Shit,” he mutters, and moves beside me pulling me into his side.
I let him, because I’m too tired to fight. Deep down all I truly want right now is for someone to comfort me. Someone who can take away this enormous hole that has been punched right thru my heart straight down into my stomach, even he would do right now.
I cry onto his chest and he holds me to him, rubbing my back to try to console me.
After what feels like hours, but was in actuality probably only twenty minutes or so, I stop my crying fest.
“Sorry about your shirt,” I tell him pointing to the wet spot I made.
“Don’t worry about it, you ready to head back inside?” he asks.
“Not really, but I don’t think I have a choice.”
He goes ahead of me down the ladder and waits for me to get down to the ground. As he walk inside with me, he never says another word.
The majority of the people are gone. Only Sophie, Chad, Brynn’s parent’s and cousins, Sawyer, Megan, and my parents are inside.
“I need to speak to you two now,” my mom says brashly. She heads down the hall to my dad’s study.
Nathan and I look at each other, both confused.
We follow her into the study.
“What’s wrong mom?” I ask curiously.
“I need you two to sit down, please,” she says sounding urgent. We do as she asks and sit on the couch.
“Mom, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?”
“Liv, I’ll explain, please, I just need you two to sit and listen, okay?” she says looking between the two of us.
We both nod our heads, waiting for her to continue.
“Shit,” she says surprising me because she doesn’t usually curse, “I need you two to know we never thought you two would run into each other again.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask confused, looking at Nathan, who looks just as lost as I am.
“You two were so young, you had your world at your feet,” she starts to say.
“Mom…”
“Liv, please just hear me out, then you’ll understand,” she says nervously.
I nod my head.
“You two were so close as kids, and Nathan, when your family moved away it crushed Liv. She cried for weeks. She was so excited when she could talk to you on the phone. I kept in contact with your parents, as you know,” he nods his head; “your mom told me you would skip practices just to talk to Liv. Your dad needed you to get your head in the game if you had any chance of making basketball a career,” she says shaking her head.
“I don’t understand, mom?” I say, looking even more confused.
“Nathan’s parents and your dad and I talked, and we thought it was in the best interest of both of you to stop your contact with one another. That way Nathan could focus on basketball and you could focus on your schooling and activities,” she says with watery eyes.
“So you and my parents lied to us?” Nathan asks confused.
“Yes, we told you when you called that Liv wasn’t here, and your parent’s told you the same. It started getting harder because Liv wanted to call all hours of the night to talk to you, but we wouldn’t let her. Eventually, we told her you had a new best friend and didn’t want to talk to her anymore, the same thing your parents told you about her,” my mom says as a tear rolls down her cheek.
“Why?” I ask, as a tear rolls down mine. All this time he hated me, because of lies our parents told us.
“You two were young, we figured you would never run into each other again, let alone attend the same damn college. We wanted you to grow up and be successful, not always worry about what each other was doing. Liv we live here, in Pennsylvania, Nathan moved to Michigan. It’s not like it was the next town over,” she says looking apologetic.
“So you thought it was best to lie to us? We were kids,” Nathan yells.
“I know and I’m so sorry, it all happened so fast and then things with Nevin, we just couldn’t figure out a way to make things work,” my mom says sadly.
“Wait, what about Nevin?” I ask even more lost.
Nathan just looks at me, his eyes full of sadness.
“You don’t know?” he says piercing me with his blue eyes.
“She never knew Nathan,” my mom interrupts.
“Never knew what? What happened?” I yell at the two of them.
My mom looks at Nathan before speaking, “Nevin got cancer a few years after they moved to Michigan.”
“What?” I ask as my eyes fill up with tears. Little Nevin, the boy we picked on and made eat worms, how could he get cancer?
“That’s why I left school last year,” Nathan says, breaking me out of my memories.
“Is he alright?”
“He’s getting there. He’s in remission now.”
“So he had cancer for how long?” I ask.
“He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past six years,” mom says, surprising me that she knew and kept this from me all this time.
I stare at Nathan, not able to find any words.
“But he’s alright?” I ask through shaky breaths.
“Yeah, he’s doing much better, that’s why I’m back at school,” Nathan says looking relieved.
“Why did you keep that from me?” I yell at my mom.
“Sweetie, your father and I were trying to protect you. We already lied to you about Nathan, how could we spring it on you about Nevin? We couldn’t do that to you,” she says through tears.
I’m so mad at my mom, yet sorry I wasn’t there for Nathan through such a hard time.
“Nathan, I’m so sorry, I would have been there if I’d known,” I say as more tears fall.
He stands and starts pacing the room.
“Mom, can you give us a few minutes please?” I ask, as I stand up, anger, confusion all racing through my mind.
“Sure sweetie. I’m sorry to both of you. If I would have known what would have happened, I wouldn’t have kept you two from each other,” my mom says solemnly and walks out of the room.
“Are you alright?” I ask as Nathan conti
nues to pace, running his hands through is shaggy blonde hair.
“Hell no, I’m not alright. Shit, I was a fucking asshole to you and you didn’t even do anything wrong. Fuck,” he curses again, “…shit I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been treating you.”
“You didn’t know either,” I reassure him.
“Doesn’t matter, I still shouldn’t have treated you that way,” he says as he comes up to me and pulls me into a hug.
We stay in our embrace a few seconds longer and then head back into the living room.
Sophie eyes me nervously; surprised that Nathan and I haven’t beaten the crap out of each other. I give her a shy smile and sit down beside her. Nathan goes over to sit beside Chad.
We all talk for a while longer and then everyone leaves, allowing me time to talk with my parents.
“Baby girl, I’m sorry we went along with that stupid plan. We thought at the time it was the right thing to do and we were wrong,” dad says pulling me into a hug.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and I’m not sure I can even think straight right now.
Between my best friend’s funeral, Ryan wanting to transfer schools to be with me, finding out Nathan and I were lied to for years, and about Nevin getting cancer, I’m not sure I can take anything else.
I go to my room and pass out from exhaustion.
Chapter Twenty-One
I spend the rest of the week at home and then head back to college the following Thursday. My parents insisted on driving me back, but I just wanted the peace and quiet of driving by myself. Luckily, they relented.
I ended up going through Brynn’s room with Jill and packing some things up and taking some pictures and mementos of my best friend.
It was hard and refreshing at the same time. Jill and I talked about good memories of Brynn, as we looked at the things in her room. Crying was inevitable, but so was laughing and enjoying the great things Brynn brought to our lives.
Her funny charismatic personality is like no one I’ve ever met. I am so thankful to have had her in my life and that I was able to call her my best friend. She was there for me when I needed somebody the most and for that, I will be forever grateful.
The long drive back to school has allowed me to look at my life and realize what’s important and what’s not.
I think I went through the five stages of grief through the long car ride. I think back to how I felt when in the hospital, when the doctor told me my best friend was never coming back. I didn’t cry right away, the shock set in, and then came the guilt.
I still feel a bit guilty, because if I would have gone with her, she would be here today, loving and living life. Unfortunately, that’s not my reality anymore.
After that, the anger set in. I screamed through tears as I’m driving, yelling how mad I am at her for not calling me to come get her. For trying to walk home in the first place. I’m not mad at her though, I just wish things would have happened differently.
Next came the depression. I wouldn’t eat, could barely sleep, and didn’t want to do anything with anyone. I’m thankful that Sophie wouldn’t let me continue in that downhill spiral.
Next came acceptance. This is the step I’m still working on. I know my best friend is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. Going through her room with her mom is giving me the ability to realize how lucky I am. I have had great people in my life and though Brynn’s gone, she has forever made an imprint on my life.
The closer I get to the sorority house, I can feel myself smile a little and feel happy about it. I know my best friend’s looking down on me, probably cursing about Nathan, but that’s another issue all its own.
Nathan, how does one even know what to do with that? I guess we are friends now, although I’m not quite sure.
Walking into the sorority house feels surreal. The girls are all standing around watching me, like I might break or something.
“Hey,” I say as I enter and head towards my room.
“Hey, how was the drive down?” Sophie says from the doorway. At least someone doesn’t think I’m going to break like a piece of glass.
“It was good, I think.”
“Well that’s good,” she says as she plops down on what used to be Brynn’s bed, “So, you and Nathan seem to be alright. Care to share what happened there?” she says smiling.
“We talked, we found out we were lied to as kids, which is why he hated me. Now he knows I never lied to him. I guess we’re okay now,” I say looking unsure.
“You know he wants you right?” she says with a giggle.
“What? Yeah right, he wanted to murder me is more like it,” I tell her to set her straight.
“Oh no, why do you think Brynn and Megan set up that stupid truth or dare game a few months back? They thought maybe he would open up, but being a dickhead, he didn’t.”
“I remember that night well, and it was actually a great night, until the morning came,” I say, reminiscing about that night.
“He stares at you, like all the time,” she says a little too excitedly.
“I think you’re reading way too much into this. He just started talking to me the other day, things aren’t going to magically change between us,” I say, thinking honestly about it.
Would I want Nathan to want me? Hell yes, he’s gorgeous, well when he’s not being an ass, and I knew him for years growing up.
“Have you heard from Levi?” Sophie asks changing the subject.
“Nope, not a word,” I say, not surprised.
“Wow, what a douche,” she says as she shakes her head.
“We aren’t dating or anything, it was just sex. He doesn’t need to call.”
“Umm…yes he does. There’s really no reason for him not to call Liv,” she says, like I don’t know she’s right.
Yes, I get we are friends with benefits, but we are friends, and he should have called, instead he’s avoided me.
“Honestly, it really doesn’t matter, I don’t care,” I say, telling her truthfully.
“Is that because you have your eye on a certain someone?” she says, as she raises her eyebrows up and down.
I start to laugh, “No, I have no idea what you’re thinking,” I say feigning ignorance.
“Sure you don’t,” she says laughing, then gets all serious, “Have you talked to Chad?”
“Not since the night at my house after the funeral. He didn’t really talk though.”
“I saw him yesterday and he doesn’t look so good,” she says with a sad face.
“I’ll talk to him. I know it’s just as hard for him knowing she’s gone.”
“I think it’s more than that,” she says surprising me.
“What do you mean?”
“He always seems to be in an angry mood; he’s ready to punch anyone who gets in his way, something’s off.”
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow and see what I can do.”
“You don’t have to talk to him, I was just curious if he said anything to you.”
“No, him and I need to have a sit down,” I have a feeling I know how he’s feeling more than I care to admit.
“Okay, well if you need anything let me know,” she says looking around at Brynn’s things.
“What?” I ask, knowing that Sophie wants to say something.
“Do you want me to help you pack her things up?” she says sadly.
“No, that’s okay. Depending on how my conversation with Chad goes, I may ask him if he wants to help. I helped Jill, Brynn’s mom, go through her bedroom already, and it was kind of refreshing,” I say with a smile.
“That’s good. If you need or want my help, just let me know. We are going to order pizza and watch movies tonight if you want to join.”
“Not tonight, but thanks Soph.” I tell her as she leaves my room.
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling again. I look around the room and see all Brynn’s things and decide I might as well see Chad now, no sense in waiting.
Within minutes,
I’m walking out the door and down the street to his house.
I walk up to the door and decide to knock. Brynn always walked right in, but I feel out of place doing that.
It takes a few moments for someone to answer the door.
“Hey O, come in, what’s up?” Nathan asks.
“Is Chad here?” I ask nervously.
“He is, but you might not want to talk to him today,” he says with a solemn face.
“I need to actually. Can you get him or take me to him?” I ask, sounding a little more confident.
“Yeah, come on,” he says as he starts heading down the hall to Chad’s bedroom.
Nathan knocks on the door, but there’s no response.
“He’s in there, he’s been ignoring everyone lately,” he says looking apologetically.
“It’s alright. I’ll try,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and then walks down the hall.
I knock a little harder, but still no response. I try the door knob and it turns. I’m hoping like hell that Chad’s not naked, because that’s not a sight I want to see.
“Chad?” I whisper, though I’m not sure why.
“Leave me alone,” he says through muffled sobs.
“It’s Liv and I’m not leaving until I talk to you.”
“Then say what you need to, then leave,” he states.
I use my cell phone to find a small lamp and turn it on. I look around, his room is a mess. Clothes everything, papers thrown all over the place, and pictures on the floor.
“Chad,” I say sitting on the edge of his bed, “talk to me.”
“Liv, fuck, I’m sorry,” is all he says and shoves his face back into the pillow.
“Sorry for what?” I ask, knowing exactly why he’s apologizing.
“You lost your best friend because of me,” he says as he sits up and pierces me with his eyes.
“No, I didn’t Chad.” I tell him staring him in the face.
“If we wouldn’t have argued, she wouldn’t have left, she wouldn’t have been walking home, and she wouldn’t have gotten hit,” he says as tears stream down his cheeks.
“You want the blame game, fine, I’ll play. She begged me to go out that night and I refused. So how is it not my fault? If I would have gone along, I would have been there, she wouldn’t have walked home, she would have stayed and drank with me.” I say with anger and sadness.
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