Beyond the Wide Wall: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 2)

by Michael James Ploof

  Caressa glanced at the poisoned glass. She suddenly bent at the waist, gasping.

  McArgh cocked a brow at her.

  “I must eat first,” said Caressa, taking up the large silver spoon that McArgh or her women had likely plundered and scooping up some stew.

  McArgh watched her eat, still holding the princess’s wine glass. “Take your time,” she said, sipping leisurely.

  Caressa was starving, and she forgot her dilemma for a time as she ate the hot stew and bread. She ate until her aching stomach was satisfied, and graciously accepted the laced wine from the captain.

  “What should we toast too?” said Caressa, having thought of a plan to “accidentally” spill the wine.

  McArgh grinned. “To your health, princess.”

  Caressa nodded and raised her glass. She gave a small cry and let it fall through her fingers. It splashed on her nightgown before crashing to the floor.

  The captain shot back her entire glass of wine in one gulp and eyed Caressa knowingly. “Why do you play these games?” she said, surprising Caressa by picking her up out of the chair and crunching through the glass with her big boots before tossing the princess on the bed.

  “Please,” said Caressa, elbowing herself back against the headboard. “Surely we can work something out.”

  “You come to my chamber as a guest and try to poison me?” said McArgh. “And now you want to ‘work something out’?”

  “Wait,” said Caressa, holding up a hand as the captain began crawling toward her.

  “I hope you don’t mind the boots. The only thing I don’t do in my boots is sleep.”

  “My father might pay you handsomely, but if I am harmed—”

  “Don’t worry, love. I’ll be gentle. Now let’s get you out of this stained nightgown.”

  Caressa stopped the captain’s big hands at the hem of her gown, but she was easily overpowered by the bigger woman, who forced herself on top of the princess and kissed her deeply.

  “Stop!” said Caressa, gasping.

  “I like it when you play hard to get.”

  “I’m a virgin!”

  McArgh stopped, raising her head from between Caressa’s cleavage. At length, she smiled. “Even better. Do you know how hard it is to find an unmarried princess who is still a virgin?”

  “Are you sure you want to make an enemy of Magestra?” Caressa asked, grasping for straws as she tried to push away the captain, who was kissing her neck. “Wouldn’t you rather have an ally?”

  “We’ll talk about it later,” McArgh mumbled, moving her head lower.

  Caressa grabbed her by the hair and pulled the woman’s head up to look at her. “We’ll talk about it now!”

  McArgh grabbed her wrists and pinned them down on the bed, looming over Caressa.

  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do as I please.”

  “I’ll give you one hundred reasons,” said Caressa. “My father’s armada. You touch one hair on my head…or anywhere else, and I will tell him to hunt you down to the ends of the earth. If you survive the battle, you will be hung in the city square, and your head will adorn the gates of the castle.”

  “I’ve been threatened with worse,” said McArgh, leaning in. “And, if you for some reason, disappear…well then, no one will be the wiser about my involvement. Or have you forgotten that no one knows you are here?”

  “Release me and bring me where I wish to go, and I will see that you become the pirate queen of the Golden Gulf!”

  “Hah. You are in no position to make such promises.”

  “You are mistaken. For I am betrothed to Prince Beuford Winterthorn of Vhalovia. He is a sniveling simpleton of a man, though he has his father’s favor. The king is old, and will see perhaps another five winters if he is lucky. Once I am queen of Vhalovia, I will be the true power in the south. Release my friends and me, and I will see to it that you become the pirate queen.”

  “How, exactly, would you do that?”

  “I would convince my husband to begin a massive campaign against the pirates of the southern seas. Along with my father’s armada, we will wipe them out, or at least send them packing. Once the void is created, you will fill it. There will always be a pirate king, or queen, of the Golden Gulf, so it is in my interest to befriend such a person.”

  “So that you can control me?” said McArgh, scowling.

  “I do not assume to be able to control you, mighty McArgh. I suggest a partnership, one that will be quite beneficial to both of us.”

  The captain studied Caressa’s eyes, and finally nodded before letting her up. “Your offer is intriguing,” she said, taking a newfound interest in the princess, one that kept her eyes from wandering. “There is more to you than I first thought. I must say, however, that waiting five years for the king to knock off is a long time indeed.”

  “You will have that to look forward to for now. In the meantime, I shall pay you handsomely for the use of your ship.”

  “Where is it that you and those fools are so keen on getting to?”

  “West, as fast as you can make this ship go. After that, I will give you further instructions.”

  McArgh squared on her. “Sorry, princess, but I ain’t taking no blind orders from you. I got to know what I’m getting my girls into. And my payment depends on you not running off and getting yourself killed. There ain’t nothing west but sea monsters and worse.”

  “We are on our way to intercept friends west of the Wide Wall.”

  “Friends?”

  “Yes, friends.”

  “Why, pray tell, do you have friends west of the Wide Wall? And why would a princess set out to help them hersel—you don’t have the support of your father on this, do you?” McArgh suddenly realized. “What are you up to?”

  “My friend has found himself in a rather unique predicament. I must reach him before…that is all.”

  “Him?” said McArgh with a raised brow. “A lover, perhaps?”

  “No…nothing like that, just a good friend is all. Do we have an agreement or not?”

  McArgh moved to the bar and gestured to the table. “Please, finish your meal. We shall talk some more about it.”

  Chapter 6

  Pixie Roundup

  Murland awoke the next day to the sweet smell of incense riding on the breeze. He came to dreamily and found a pink-cheeked lass staring at him. Beside her stood a giggling blue bear.

  “Good morning Mister Wizard,” said the lass, handing him a pipe. “Compliments of Captain Ripps.”

  Murland accepted the pipe, hoping that this was the same wonderful pipe weed that he had smoked the night before. He tasted it and smiled, letting out a long puff of multi-colored smoke.

  “Thank you,” he said, handing it back.

  “Please, keep it. It is all yours.”

  He smiled back at her, feeling that he must look like a fool. The way she looked at him made his ears hot, and he laughed like a simpleton.

  “Say, what are those little bears called?” he asked.

  “They’re called rainbow bears. Cute aren’t they?”

  The little blue bear smiled and wiggled his small ears. He gave a playful growl like a cub and Murland laughed.

  “You’re just too cute for your own good, aren’t you?” said Murland, scratching the rainbow bear behind the ear.

  The rest of the companions were similarly awakened, Sir Eldrick by a pair of big-busted women, Brannon by a lithe male elf with black hair braided all the way to his ankles, and Gibrig by a pair of dwarf sisters. Willow awoke and was presented with a large cake with white frosting by a tall ogre with slouching shoulders. Rainbow bears climbed all over her as though she were a mother bear, but Willow laughed through it all, stuffing her face with the cake.

  “Ah, I see that our weary travelers are not so weary anymore,” said Captain Ripps from the opening in the tent. “Enjoy your morning smoke and cake at your leisure, and then join me in the sweat lodge. I believe that it will do you all well to be rid of
your toxins.” He turned, leaning on his cane, and was followed out by the dippies and bears.

  “Well if this ain’t swell,” said Gibrig, puffing on his pipe.

  “I’ll say,” said Murland, remembering the way the maidens had been looking at him. “It’s like a dream.”

  They did as the captain had instructed, taking their time to eat and smoke, before peeling themselves off the comfortable cushions and dressing in colorful robes. As they stepped outside, they saw dozens of dippies rushing to catch up to a wagon being driven through town. An elf on the back of the cart was tossing out sparkling loaves of bread.

  Sir Eldrick caught one and broke off a chunk before passing it back. They munched on the magical-looking bread and made their way to the sweat lodge near the center of the city square. Sir Eldrick knocked on the door, and a long-eared elf lass greeted them with a small bow.

  “Shoes off please, and then follow me.”

  Sir Eldrick glanced back at the others and shrugged. They all took off their sandals and left them by the door. The hallway near the door led to a changing room, where many green robes hung from the hands of naked elves, male and female, who stood like statues.

  “Please, find a robe that suits you and leave your clothes behind. They will be washed and returned to where they were.”

  Sir Eldrick, Brannon, Murland and Gibrig all grabbed a robe and began to undress. Willow huffed, and put her hands on her hips, turning on the elf guide. “I’m not changing in front of them, they’ll fall in love, for Great Turtle’s sake.”

  “Please,” said Brannon.

  “Oh, believe it,” said Willow. “One look at my green ass and you’ll be switching teams.”

  “There are teams?” said Gibrig, looking confused.

  Brannon glanced over at Gibrig, likely with a pert insult in mind, but when he saw the naked dwarf he blurted, “queen’s sake!”

  Sir Eldrick glanced over and chuckled. “Well done, lad!”

  Gibrig glanced down, and hurriedly put on his robe. “I guess it be that humanism made it so big.”

  “You guys are weird,” said Willow, and followed the elf guide behind a screen where she could undress.

  When they were all robed and ready, they followed the smiling elf through a door and into a thick cloud of steam. Murland could just make out the slick and marbled stone of the steam room’s walls. Soon a bench came into view, and Captain Ripps motioned them over with one long, skinny arm.

  “Come, sit with me, enjoy the cleansing,” said the old man, who sat with his robe wide open and legs sprawled out.

  They all got comfortable and sat back, enjoying the heat of the room and the fragrant aroma riding on the steam, quite ignoring the captain’s low-hanging fruit.

  “The outside world is impure,” said Captain Ripps. “It is ruled by money, power, and greed. These things foul the air and the water, seeping into people’s souls and corrupting them with the trappings of the rotting society. Here in the City of the Dead, we do not war, we do not hurt each other. We do not steal or lie, and we do not exclude anyone seeking solace. You are all welcome here, now and forever, whatever your name or story. Welcome home.” He handed Sir Eldrick a water pipe and smiled.

  The pipe went around, and Murland found the burning leaf to be even more potent than the morning’s. He blew out the sparkling smoke and watched as Captain Ripps puffed multi-colored smoke rings into the lazy steam.

  They all began to giggle, all but Willow, who felt nothing from the pipe and was hot and sweaty, stating she just wanted to get out into the fresh air.

  Soon, however, Captain Ripps waved a hand and beckoned them into the next room, where five cushioned tables and five robed dippies stood waiting.

  “Please, make yourselves comfortable,” the captain told them.

  Murland staggered over to the table and lay down on his stomach at the maiden’s beckoning. She rubbed a cool salve on his back and began working it in with strong hands and fingers. Murland moaned, his body tingling all over with sweet sensations of bliss. Pure ecstasy washed over him as the maiden worked his sore and tired muscles with her skilled hands. All the while someone played a harp in the corner, and the steady sound of a small waterfall lulled nearby.

  “I believe that I could get used to this,” said Sir Eldrick with a contented groan.

  ***

  The companions spent the day being pampered, and even Willow began to enjoy herself once she was shown to the mud bath, which she soaked in for more than an hour. They were given small cakes and tea for lunch and then shown to a large pool of hot water, where they soaked and enjoyed the effects of the treats.

  That night they joined Captain Ripps for dinner in his tent, and were delighted to find a small feast waiting for them. Willow noted to Murland that it was the food that they themselves had brought, but he didn’t care. Like the others, he was just happy to get his hands on some real food.

  “How are you enjoying your time here?” the captain asked, smiling at them all.

  “I think I could stay here forever,” said Gibrig with a mouthful of food and bloodshot, glossy eyes.

  Willow did not miss how his words caused the captain to grin. She didn’t like that grin. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she didn’t trust the captain, and he always looked at her with suspicion.

  “It is quite wonderful,” said Brannon. “I have not been treated like that in a long time. I so missed being pampered.”

  “I don’t know why there is so much fear over the Forest of the Dead,” said Murland, and the others nodded agreement. “It is a magical place. If only the outside world understood what it was like here, maybe they would think differently.”

  “The people of Eastern Fallacetine cannot think any differently. They are stuck in a paradigm, and so they are unable to imagine any other. The east, with its rules and rulers and obsession with money, is a soul-sucking world of struggle and toil and strife. Here, we are truly free. And you can be too, for as long as you want.”

  He was looking at Willow when he said it, and the others were smiling stupidly, as though his words had been a lullaby.

  “You make a lot of sense, Captain,” said Sir Eldrick, and he raised his glass of wine.

  “You aren’t supposed to drink,” Willow reminded him. “Remember what happened last time?”

  Sir Eldrick laughed. “Last time I defeated two cyclopes, bedded a fairy queen, and was given a magical sword! Not too bad in my book.”

  Everyone laughed and clanged glasses, all but Willow.

  “Your mind seems heavy,” said the captain, watching her as closely as ever. He twirled his mustache in thought, bushy eyebrows squeezed together like one long caterpillar.

  Willow looked to the others. “We have rested long enough. We must get back on the road.”

  “What’s the rush?” Murland asked. “The road isn’t going anywhere.”

  “He is right,” said Sir Eldrick. “Relax, Willow. We are amongst friends here.”

  Willow left it at that, not wanting to say too much in front of the ever-watchful captain, who seemed much more sober than any of the other dippies.

  When they had finished eating, the captain led them outside, where they were surprised to see nearly half the dippies heading down the road out of the city, each carrying a long-handled butterfly net. Dozens of the colorful bears went with them.

  “Ah, it is time for the pixie round up,” said the captain. He handed them all a net and extended his hand to a waiting dippy. “This is Ruby, she will show you to the forest and explain the round up.”

  “Hello, everyone,” said the dwarf lass. “Come with me. Ye’re goin’ to love this.”

  Gibrig followed her with a stupefied smile, and the others hurried after. The whole group was running toward the woods, skipping and twirling and laughing merrily. Willow wanted to bonk them all on the head.

  “When the moon be out, the pixies play. Scoop one up, and get extra treats,” said Ruby in a sing-song voice.

 
; “What do we do with the pixies after we catch them?” Willow asked.

  “See them big sacks that some o’ us be carryin’? Just give the pixies to ‘em and they’ll keep track o’ how many ye get.”

  “Right, but what do they do with them?”

  Ruby frowned at Willow, seeming to have never wondered about it herself. “Who cares? For every pixie ye catch, ye get extra treats!”

  Willow didn’t like it. Dingleberry was a pixie, and she didn’t like the idea of them being caught like bugs. And what did the dippies do with them?

  The companions followed the dippies into the woods, where a trail led to a grassy glade echoing with the sounds of crickets, cicadas, and katydids. Silver moonlight filled the glade, and lightning bugs blinked in and out as they aimlessly flew through the illuminated clearing.

  “Wait, first the bait must be set,” said Ruby, waving them all down as she herself hunkered behind the tall grass.

  The dippies and bears fanned out around the glade, waiting behind the tall trees lining the clearing. An elf woman danced out into the center of the clearing and poured a sack of something on the ground.

  “What is that?” Gibrig asked.

  “Sugar,” said Willow, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with what they were doing.

  “Yes, it be sugar,” said Ruby, offering her an encouraging smile. “Very good, Willow.”

  “Why sugar?” said Gibrig.

  “Fairies love sugar,” said Willow.

  “They go simply mad over it,” Ruby agreed, “and can smell it from miles away. Watch.”

  The elf lass danced back to the edge of the glade with her empty sack and hunkered down with the others.

  They all waited for five minutes, and then ten, passing around pipes and trying to suppress their giggles. “Look!” said Gibrig when the first of the fae arrived.

  Willow watched the little green pixie as she flew around the clearing, spreading her fairy dust on the tall grass as she passed. She found the pile of sugar and dove right into it with an audible “Yippie!”

  Soon more pixies arrived and joined the first. They came in all colors and sizes, some as small as a lightning bug, and others as large as a sparrow. A great surge of the little creatures erupted from the forest and converged on the pile of sugar. Willow thought there must be hundreds of them, and she wanted to warn them all to fly away. But she never got the chance. A whistle blew, and the dippies all erupted from the grass and charged the pixies, waving their butterfly nets and laughing giddily.